My Husband relapsed - Help me please

Old 06-26-2013, 07:59 AM
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Post My Husband relapsed - Help me please

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and I knew he had a drug problem in the past but knew he could not be with me if he did drugs. He has been drug free for 6+ years until this Friday when he disappeared for 6 hours and took $320.00 from our account and got high on cocaine. When he came home he was remorseful, crying, begging me not to leave him, not to take our daughter away, even becoming suicidal thinking that I would end our marriage. I love him, but I am so angry at him and hurt. I don't understand why he did this after all this time.

I want him to get help, and he says he needs to talk to some one but we don't have insurance. I think I need a support group too. He is leery of NA, says it didn't help him in the past. But this was years ago before he had a wife or children.

I don't know what to do or where to turn. We live in Palm Bay, FL and I am so confused as to what is available to us locally or even where to turn.
Please help me.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:07 AM
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My suggestion would be for you to find support. Nar-Anon is for friends and family of addicts but if there are no Nar-Anon meetings in your area, Al-Anon would be a great alternative.

You can't tell him or convince him that NA could help him if he doesn't believe it will....but you can find support for yourself. It is possible to find serenity whether the addict continues to use or not.

Time always reveals more. You will soon know if this was a short term relapse issue or if he has fallen into full blown addiction.

I have a dear friend whose husband has 25 years clean from cocaine addiction. HIS advice to his wife is.....if I ever use.....even once.....take immediate action to protect our finances. I think that's a good suggestion.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:16 AM
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I cancelled his bankcard and changed all the passwords that night so he couldn't continue to take money out and buy drugs. Thank you for your advice.
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Old 06-26-2013, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by kfhhappy2772 View Post
I cancelled his bankcard and changed all the passwords that night so he couldn't continue to take money out and buy drugs. Thank you for your advice.
While this is good if he wants to use cocaine then he will find money to use. It doesn't matter what is available to him in the FL area. He will find a way to get cocaine or switch to another drug for a buzz. The best thing to do is to take care of yourself.
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:54 PM
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There is a Nar-Anon meting that would be for you I think this would be your area :

Meeting Number:
- Meeting Name: "Courage To Change"

Immanuel Lutheran Church
2655 SW Immanuel Drive
Palm City, FL
United States

Meeting days and time

Tuesday: 7:00PM

Here is the link in case this, is the wrong one Starting a Meeting (FAQs) | Nar-Anon Family Groups look on the right to see where current meetings are.
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:03 PM
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Time will tell what this relapse means in terms of his recovery, but it does not undo the effort that your husband has put in to be clean all these years. Its excellent that he wants to talk to someone. Use of NA is only one option and if he isn't embracing it, that's ok. Personally I would suggest he tries to look into some type of counseling to help him get to “why” this happened now. Also, you can get help in finding local resources in your area through this link:
Find Substance Abuse and Mental Health Treatment
Please note that there are often sliding scale, or payment plans available even when working with a therapist but it is something to inquire about up front of course. If not listed, your local hospital or family doctor may be able to provide help also.

From National Institute of Drug Abuse on Relapse: Multiple - and often interactive - factors can increase the likelihood of relapse. These are some of the commonly cited precursors:
• drug-related "reminder" cues (sights, sounds, smells, drug thoughts or drug dreams) tightly linked to use of the preferred drug(s) can trigger craving and drug seeking
• negative mood states or stress
• positive mood states or celebrations
• sampling the drug itself, even in very small amounts
The motivation to seek a drug, once triggered, can feel overwhelming and sometimes leads to very poor decision making: the user will pursue the drug, despite potentially disastrous future negative consequences
As for YOU, read up on ‘enabling’ if his use should happen to continue. Exactly as you did; remove access to funds to protect your family. There are stickys at the top of this forum with lots of info also. Your husband has a good chunk of time, so he should have some ideas how to get back on track. Whatever he was doing was working, until “something” happened to change it. He has to figure out what that was now. I know it is scary, but try not to panic. Time will reveal more.
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:25 PM
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Kfh...I'm actually impressed he came home and was able to be open and honest w u and to me, that's impressive! He wasn't hiding it from u and yeah.he slipped but he told u right away and didn't try n sneak it past u! He's embracing speaking w someone about it and he already spoke to the most important one about it, his wife!! Now he can talk to a professional! Even though ur angry Istill feel its important to lethim know u appreciate his honesty while u may not appreciate what it was about! Hugs..
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:53 PM
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I wouldn't be too impressed with the "confession", the being missing for 6 hours and the missing money was a fairly easy clue to figure out what was going on. Also, the link provided above...like most government websites it's pretty useless in the real world. SAMSHA doesn't include the local no-cost options available for treatment.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:28 PM
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Well i did not mean to imply I was very impressed. He didn't lie about what he did and was forthcoming with his wife and apologetic for his actions.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by gfwhoneverknew View Post
Kfh...I'm actually impressed he came home and was able to be open and honest w u and to me, that's impressive! He wasn't hiding it from u and yeah.he slipped but he told u right away and didn't try n sneak it past u! He's embracing speaking w someone about it and he already spoke to the most important one about it, his wife!! Now he can talk to a professional! Even though ur angry Istill feel its important to lethim know u appreciate his honesty while u may not appreciate what it was about! Hugs..
I think you are right on this. Many husbands try to lie and cover up using. He could have very easily made up a crazy excuse (even though it may have been obvious he was lying). The fact that he came forward and admitted it, showed remorse, and said he needs to talk to someone is a BIG step. I think it also shows that there is good communication between husband / wife. Good communication and family support is important in terms of recovery IMO.
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Old 06-26-2013, 09:06 PM
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Be careful of the bar you set. When we start to compromise our core values, we begin to lose who we are. What becomes our norm can become very unhealthy. Addiction effects all those it comes in contact with.

Cynical One has a lot of great information in her blog. Her advice is always dead on, although she used to anger me, lol, because I was in deep denial and didn't want to accept my reality.

Welcome to Sr. As always, I am sorry for what brings you here.
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Old 06-27-2013, 12:02 AM
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Oops. Should have included this info for you when I gave you that resource:

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is pleased to provide this on-line resource for locating drug and alcohol abuse treatment programs. The Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator lists:

•Private and public facilities that are licensed, certified, or otherwise approved for inclusion by their State substance abuse agency

•Treatment facilities administered by the Department of Veterans Affairs, the Indian Health Service, and the Department of Defense.


SAMHSA endeavors to keep the Locator current. All information in the Locator is completely updated each year, based on facility responses to SAMHSA's National Survey of Substance Abuse Treatment Services. The most recent complete update occurred on April 16, 2012 based on data collected as of March 31, 2011 in the National Survey of Substance Abuse Treatment Services. New facilities are added monthly. Updates to facility names, addresses, telephone numbers, and services are made weekly, if facilities inform SAMHSA of changes.

For additional advice, you may call the Referral Helpline operated by SAMHSA's Center for Substance Abuse Treatment:
•1-800-662-HELP (English & Español)
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:17 AM
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Thank you all for your opinions and information. Both views have valid points and all of you agree I need to take care of myself first. I will be attending a local support group ASAP and my husband has contacted The Center for a Drug free living to set up counselling. They offer one-on-one therapy on a sliding scale. I have found this site invaluable and will continue to visit here as a means of support as well. Thanks again.
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by kfhhappy2772 View Post
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and I knew he had a drug problem in the past but knew he could not be with me if he did drugs. He has been drug free for 6+ years until this Friday when he disappeared for 6 hours and took $320.00 from our account and got high on cocaine. When he came home he was remorseful, crying, begging me not to leave him, not to take our daughter away, even becoming suicidal thinking that I would end our marriage. I love him, but I am so angry at him and hurt. I don't understand why he did this after all this time.

I want him to get help, and he says he needs to talk to some one but we don't have insurance. I think I need a support group too. He is leery of NA, says it didn't help him in the past. But this was years ago before he had a wife or children.

I don't know what to do or where to turn. We live in Palm Bay, FL and I am so confused as to what is available to us locally or even where to turn.
Please help me.
Welcome to the Board. I realize I'm a bit late in responding to this post. Every week, a new member comes to us finding themselves in similar straits to where you are. So, the good news is you're not alone here. Not by a long shot.

You mention how you're hurt by his actions, and you don't understand why he's done this. He's done this because he's an addict, and when someone's in the throes of addiction, the only thing that matters is drugs. Not spouses, not children, not parents, siblings, friends or any adult responsibilities. The priority is drugs and acquiring them by any and all means necessary. It wouldn't surprise me if he's been using all along and he's managed to keep it from you really well.

You have every reason to be upset. But right now, you need to keep your wits. I'm pretty certain there is an Al Anon or a Nar Anon meeting that is local to your part of Florida. I would attend one with your eyes and ears open, for the information and wisdom shared at these meeting can very well help you keep your sanity, regardless of whether your husband uses or not.

Further down the thread, you mention you cancelled the bank cards and changed the passwords. This won't stop him, you know. Keep an eye on your valuables, like jewelry.

Be safe, and let us know how you're doing.

ZoSo
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:42 PM
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ZoSo, thanks for the response but I refuse to believe he has been using for the last seven years. As another post said, his fall should not diminish his past years of sobriety. Plus we are so financially strained, and always together, that his addiction wouldn't have been hidden easily. Money and opportunity have to be there and he has had neither. And we don't have valuables, we're too poor for that. But I will find a meeting and he is going into therapy at the Center For Drug Free Living. I have to believe we'll make it.
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Old 06-27-2013, 10:14 PM
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I understand Zoso's thinking. If your husband was in full blown addiction when he met you and then quit drugs a few months later so he could be with you....it's difficult to believe that he suddenly gained control of the cravings and the psychological compulsions and the denial and the addict mindset. The studies on addiction just don't support this kind of instant turnaround in the name of romantic love. I think if he did make the decision to quit seven years ago, it would have been a lot messier and a lot more painful for you both.

So something just doesn't sound right. Something's just not right, there's a missing piece, it seems. So my advice is to be prepared for more revelations.

Talk therapy will not work, in my opinion, because addiction is not controlled by the part of the brain that makes rational and values-based choices.

You are starting a long walk on a difficult road. Get all the support there you can find. It is important your eyes remain wide open and that you make no assumptions about his drug history for now, even though you feel very sure. You could be right. But those who have been in close relationship with addicted partners know that usually there are secrets one never would have imagined.
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Old 06-28-2013, 12:50 AM
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Originally Posted by kfhhappy2772 View Post
ZoSo, thanks for the response but I refuse to believe he has been using for the last seven years. As another post said, his fall should not diminish his past years of sobriety. Plus we are so financially strained, and always together, that his addiction wouldn't have been hidden easily. Money and opportunity have to be there and he has had neither. And we don't have valuables, we're too poor for that. But I will find a meeting and he is going into therapy at the Center For Drug Free Living. I have to believe we'll make it.
That is wonderful news that he found some 1:1 treatment.
I hope it goes well for him.
Im actually a proponent of individual therapy because that is what my husband used, and he is doing great. He still has a therapist for maintenance and see's him a couple times a month. My husbands primary drug was opiate based pain meds started through prescription, but he also had a run of cocaine. For us, we handled his addiction as a medical condition and that meant private therapy; talk therapy, training in behavior techniques to prevent the use of drugs. (Part of this was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy often used in cocaine treatment).

From National Institute of Drug Abuse: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is an effective approach for preventing relapse. CBT is focused on helping cocaine-addicted individuals abstain—and remain abstinent—from cocaine and other substances. The underlying assumption is that learning processes play an important role in the development and continuation of cocaine abuse and addiction. These same learning processes can be harnessed to help individuals reduce drug use and successfully prevent relapse. This approach attempts to help patients recognize, avoid, and cope; that is, they recognize the situations in which they are most likely to use cocaine, avoid these situations when appropriate, and cope more effectively with a range of problems and problematic behaviors associated with drug abuse.
So differences in opinion, but reading the small bit that you wrote I don’t see anything “suspicious” that would lead to me believe he has been using for years and hiding it. It does happen. Looking back often there are signs like: husband being gone a lot from home, or hiding out in a man cave with the door locked, big changes in his mood ups and downs, missing money, missing items, bills not being paid even when there was supposed to be money to pay them, money for new car tires - yet no new tires were bought… you get the idea. I think its good to be aware and think about it, but I wouldn’t start playing guessing games.

Going to send you a p.message with a few links might be helpful.
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Old 06-28-2013, 02:00 PM
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Im pretty new here too, but my husband has been using cocaine for a few months only on the weekends. His use was obvious to me from the minute he walked in the door. And then on Sundays he would not use to get ready for work on Monday and he would be exhausted and laying on the couch. I am finally realizing that my husband needs to talk to someone about this before he loses total control. I am thinking about going to see someone even without him to help me figure out what I need to do if it continues. We had a talk and he promises to stop, but its too early to tell if it will happen. I think you have the right idea believing you will get through this together. I am in no way ready to think otherwise about my husband.
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