SoVeryTired

The past year has been absolute hell. Found out my son at age 21 started using herion. I caught hiim shooting up in my bathroom (not the first time he used). A haunting memory that will NEVER leave my mind. He went through detox twice and a 30 day inpatient rehab in December 2012 and in less than a week of being home began using again. I have thrown him out only to let him back in. It just seems either way, whether he is home or homeless I worry constantly. I keep asking him if he had a bad childhood or what did I do wrong or did someone do something too him. Crazy I know but I just don't understand why. He was a good kid. Played sports, had good friends; now I don't know who he is.

I try and think of different ways that I might be able to reach him. Nothing works. He is living with me again and doesn't seem to be as bad as before but I know he is still using. I find myself a prisoner in my own home as I don't trust him and many things are locked up. I get upset with my close friends who have NO idea what I am going through as they are not or have not gone through it tell me to "throw him out".

All I know is that I feel completely at a loss, helpless and just don't know what to do anymore.

mayabee

I am so sorry. My son is an addict and, although his drug of choice is meth rather than heroin, I understand your heartbreak. I have found Nar-anon meetings a great spurce of support; families and friends of addicts understand your situation as others cannot. It is great that you are reaching out here at SR but hope you will also consider attending some meetings. The first time I walked into a Naranon meeting I was terrified but the face-to-face contact with people who really understood was such a comfort.

cynical one

I'm not a mom but just wanted to welcome you since it's late and most have retired for the evening. I'm sure the moms will be on in the morning to welcome you and share their experiences. In the meantime I do have a lot of information for parents in my blog if you want to read more. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......although I'm sorry for the reason that brings you here.

I am the mother of a recovering addict. It's easy to get caught up in the guilt of "what did I do wrong". Unfortunately, addiction is an equal opportunity disease. It doesn't discriminate. Being brought up in a good home...... athletic......smart...... rich......none of that matters to addiction. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it.

Those are hard words for a mother to digest.

I hope you stick around. Ask questions. Read. Learn. There's a whole posse of Mama's here on SR who know exactly how you're feeling. Many of us have found a path to serenity whether our addicted (adult) child continues to use or not.

You are not alone.....

gentle hugs
ke

lizwig

Hello soverytired. I am also a mom of a meth addicted son. I feel like I could have written your first paragraph. I also wondered if I had missed something because such an amazing young man wouldn't possibly subject themselves to something as horrific as this without there being more to the story. My son has always said there isn't. I believe they simply did not respect the pure devastation these drugs are capable of. The unfortunate truth is until your son decides for himself that he wants recovery no amount of effort on your behalf will make much difference. He knows you want him to stop....this was a very hard concept for me to grasp. I kept thinking my situation was different and if I just said the right thing at the right time it would be the catalyst he needed. 5 years later I have now opted to take the focus off of him and put it towards helping myself. Whether he chooses to stop or not I deserve to live a life with some measure of serenity in it. I have found that again but only after walking through al-anon doors 8 months ago or so. We have no nar-anon in my area. It has helped immensely. If nothing changes nothing changes. Welcome to the board but I wish you never had to seek us out. Now that you have...keep coming back. Lots of great support here too. Big hug to you tonight. admitting we need help its hard.

EJG123

Hello SVT,
I have a 25 yr old daughter who is a heroin addict. My D is a great kid too- kind and bright enough for full ride scholarship and completing her degree while working and struggling through addiction, treatment, counseling, and legal issues. I have lost track of when she started using heroin but it was a few years back and she might have been 21 also. It was torture for years because we had a front row seat to her addiction when she lived with us. She was not herself. Finally, I recognized that I needed to have boundaries. I had to have a home where I felt safe and I did not feel safe with her in my home. For a long time after she moved out, I was a wreck. I worried myself sick although it was an improvement over having her home. She had an apartment and job, but lost both it in short order for the same behaviors that made it impossible for her to live with me. Then she stayed at a shelter and her situation became more unstable. Her life is still a wreck but it is her life and she knows I will be here when she is ready to get her life back in order. Pulling myself back together wasn't easy but support from family, friends, this forum, and Alanon helped. Please reach out for support. There are more of us than you know because these drugs are pervasive.

BeavsDad

The more you read and learn here, the more you'll see that trading in your front rows seats for some a little farther back (not allowing him to stay with you when he's using) allows for a least a glimmer of serenity in your own life.

I was scared to death of the "what-if's" when I had to kick my son out.

There was some relief though. Because his addiction wasn't in our faces 24/7, we were able to decrease the overall stress levels a bit, remove all the "eggshells" and regain some footing.

I was able to set some meaningful boundaries and learned to detach from his problems. I learned to place way more value on action instead of words.

I've slipped a few times, but for the most part I've stayed the course.

Keep reading.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello dear, I also have a heroin addicted son. he is ALMOST out of jail and preparing for inpatient rehab. His troubles with heroin started 3 years ago, he lost everything, car job girl family and friends. He literally has nothing left. So now, his choice and HIS choice only is what is next? I have forged a new relationship while he has been in jail and we have seen some pretty amazing miracles happening with his father and him. At this point, I know only God can help JJ. I love him and I will visit in rehab, but he has to put the work in. For me, there came a day where I couldn't stand to have JJ in my presence, that was the bottom for me. I let him go, he was arrested, homeless and near crazy several times before he threw himself at the police and asked to be arrested so he could get away from the pull of the drug and the lifestyle. Nothing I could have said or done would have changed that. It is the HARDEST thing you will ever do, but if you let them run to the end of their rope, there really is no other place or direction for them to go. Trust in HP and regain your hope and joy in life. It is very hard to walk in faith when you see them high sitting in your living room.
Hugs,
Teresa

pravchaw

Hello SVT, Welcome to SR. I am a dad of 21 year old son who is addicted to Marijuana. He also flunked out of college. I had to evict him a few months back to keep my sanity.
There are lots of caring people here and parents who have been there done that. In the last few months I have been here I have grown a lot and now understand that the addict will only change when they are ready. The onus is on us to change. I know easier said than done. But you will find practical advise here on problems big and small.

avondale

How do you post a new post

gfwhoneverknew

Hi soverytired!! I've learned a lot from my bfs Mom. She's had to deal with my bfs addiction to oxys etc. For ten yrs! She spent time in denial which she admits to me cuz she just didn't wana face her beautiful son was doin this!! She's cried to me with such desperate tears. I can say ur son HAS to wana get clean!! If he doesn't, then the lies etc keep going!!! My bf wants recovery now and has said never before has he ever wanted it. There is a time they want it all to stop, so hopefully ur son has one soon! Hugs...

havehope

Another mom here to welcome you to SR. My daughter is the addict and I too wondered what I did to cause this wonderful bright talented girl to turn to drugs. I too walked around on eggshells in the house worrying I would cause her to use again. My family was held captive in our house by my daughter; but the thing was I was allowing that to happen. Once she moved out and I had the locks changed the remaining family members could breathe again and go on living. This is a journey that unfortunately we are each going through. We will reach OUR bottom at different times and become ready for a change. I am sorry you are going through this, but glad you found this site. It has been my rope so many times. Praying for you and your son.

lizwig

Hi Avondale, "New thread" button on main page that lists all the different posts....it's on the left right above where the posts begin. Hope this makes sense. welcome to the board!

SoVeryTired

WOW!!! I am touched by all of your posts and words of comfort. I am in awe that I have felt so alone for a long time as I never spoke to anyone except my few close friends who have no idea the dynamics of my son the addict and the walkin on "eggshells". As I have read all your posts the tears flow as if I am reading my story about my son in other parents stories. I am not the only one. Before I found this site I really thought this was it... I'm going to loose my mind, have a nervous breakdown... Feeling that everyday this madness is never ever going to end. Although I am in the early statges of being on this website I feel slightly comforted. But at the same time I just never ever ever thought my son would ever become or be a drug addict. I have to get pass the heartbreak and face the facts. My son is a drug addict! It is such a helpless feeling.
Thank you for sharing.. I'm still processing it all. Thank you!

Ilovemysonjj

Dear SVT, your lightbulb has gone off and now you can begin to accept your reality. None of us ever imagined we would have a drug addicted child, and for ME at least, I was in such denial and shame that I couldn't face what was right in front of me. Addiction's best Ally is our denial. I also learned a lot about "Terminal Uniqueness", in which I thought I was different from everyone else's addicted relationship. If you haven't already read Cynical One's blogs, there are posts specifically for the things that family members can do to help addicts. Also try searchig here on SR for blogs or articles related to "terminal uniqueness" as they really helped me see my own downfall which was to deny the reality and my actions were all around "making this go away!".
We are all here walking with you.
Hugs
Teresa

PresentTense

SVT- Another mom here. My daughter is also a drug addict. I used to argue with her about not telling me something that I just knew must have happended in her past to cause the devastation of her addiction.

She told me every time I confronted her that nothing had ever happened (trauma, etc.). Just wrong choices. Over and over. I didn't want to believe her because deep down I thought that if I could take the blame for something that happened which caused her addiction, maybe I could control it. If it was somehow my fault, maybe I could even cure it...

That's the twisted thinking that threatened to drive me crazy. Kindeyes posted the saying that turned the tide for me. "We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it." I heard that at my first AlAnon meeting and have repeated it to myself thousands of times.

Keep reading and posting. I have gained so much understanding from this site. It is a comfort and joy...

gfwhoneverknew

SVT...just wanted 2tell u that I know a few people very intelligent that have experimented in all sorts of drugs...and NEVER got addicted to them!! My bf on the other hand also very smart but in his case and w opiates, got extremely addicted!! I don't know why some people get addicted and others get the out of jail card and walk away w no addictions but ONCE they want help and can fully embrace it, it can work out! I know of some very successful people who at one point were drug addicts! There's hope for ur son and my bfs Mom once finding out her son was dating me just "knew" I must b also an addict but to her surprise I'm not nor do I even smoke!! She's ecstatic now I'm in his life becuz I'm the only positive influence there for him. He wants to b cleanw his heart now and one days will ur son! I believe having a support group for ur son is helpful when he is able to embrace it! xoxo

SoVeryTired

I am so thankful that I was referred and found this site. I have gained strength in the posts from others. This quote in particular " You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it". This has really clicked the switch in my head. I know that I haven't hit "my bottom" but reading all your experiences is... I just don't have words. I no longer feel like I am suffering alone. Thank you!

lizwig

SoVeryTired...when I dragged myself into al-anon for the first time and heard that phrase...it brought me so much comfort. I was unable to sleep for any decent length of time back then and this phrase became my mantra. I would repeat this over and over, my version of counting sheep. To this day, it snaps me back to reality when I hear it. I'm so glad you've found comfort here. I feel the same way. It is so painful to watch someone you love suffering as our children are...knowing full well they have to make the decision to want change. You might enjoy the daily inspirational guide..."The Language of Letting Go". It's by Melody Beattie, who also wrote "Co-Dependant No more". Both really good. I am amazed how the daily one seems to speak to exactly what I need to hear on any given day. It's a great way to center myself first thing. Hang in there, I'm glad you aren't feeling so alone. You are surrounded by people here who truly understand what you are going through. Big hug.