BB89

I just got home from dropping my exabf at the airport. He is going to a rehab in Florida for who knows how long. At least a month, maybe longer.

He used once about 2 weeks ago after being clean for 6 months. He got himself kicked out of his 3/4 house last week for missing curfew while being on restriction and was homeless for a few days. I refused to let him stay with me and I am so proud of myself for that. I do have to confess that I gave him money though. He had promised a friend to pay him 50 bucks a night to let him sleep on the couch... but of course he didn't have the money. I payed his friend the 100 dollars my exabf owed him so he could get his things and leave. I'm not proud of that but I am still happy I didn't let him come to my house. He had nowhere to go so he chose to go back to rehab.

Anyway, it's over. I told him if a year from now he finds himself still clean and committed to his recovery, he can find me but I'm making no promises to wait for him. I'm not riding this roller coaster anymore. He has lost everyone. I can only hope he can get himself together this time. I wish nothing but the best for him but I'm letting him and our relationship go. I wish I felt more relieved than I do right now. I'm not exactly sad, but I'm not happy either. I feel pretty numb. I keep waiting to cry. The tears begin to form but never fall. It's as if my eyes refuse to cry another single tear for him and just suck the tears right back up. I have been slowly preparing myself for this moment for awhile now but I know it will still take more time to heal and let go of all the dreams I had for a future that included him.

I have a wedding to go to tonight so that should be interesting. There's nothing like watching a couple so in love, committing themselves to each other for eternity on the same day you breakup with your boyfriend...but I REFUSE to have a bad time. I WILL enjoy myself if it's the last thing I do. Thankfully I never invited him to be my date, I asked a friend instead.

Well, today is the day I move on with my life. It's going to be a good day.

Spinner-007

I want to say a lot of things, but the thing I think on my heart the most is you couldn't have done a better thing for yourself.

I'm married to an unrepentant addict/alcoholic, and am at the end of this marriage.

So Whenever I read about someone who isn't married but in a relationship with an addict, I want to scream into this blog to just cut and run.

Leave, run as fast and far as you can and don't look back, and don't even wait around them.

I know its my own situation that makes me say this, but i assure you and everyone else reading this, the relationship and recovery doesn't get better by saying 'I do'. Throw in kids(we have 4), and it just makes it oh so much more fun.

Adding all the work that marriage to a non-addict takes, then throw in all the fun that goes with dealing with an addict, I just can't sit by and leave you without any level of assurance that you've done the absolute best thing for yourself.

So you're still most likely at this wedding at this time, and I am only thinking, wow...you got out!

Just like the rain washing down on Andy as he escaped Shawshank, I imagine your hands are high, face to the Heavens and the rain refreshing your body and invigorating your soul.

Oh, to be you just for tonight.

I hope you laugh out loud tonight, and dance like you never danced before, your feet on clouds, and the man you're dancing with is the best looking one there at the reception(I'm a guy, but damn, I just love happy endings!).

Dance one for me, won't you?

gfwhoneverknew

I'm truly sorry u had to break up but it was already broken or rather he was w addiction! I'm proud ur gonahave a great time at the wedding and I hope he finds sobriety! I honestly hope my bf can as well but ur story sounds like it could very easily happen to me...hugs to u!!

terryr97

Sounds kinda like what I just posted. For me I just got sick of waiting for my exab to get recovery but then I'd wait for the other shoe to drop all the time. I know I'm no where near ready to have a new relationship thanks to trust issues with my ex, but I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for him any longer. Good for you! Hope you enjoyed the wedding. And, yes, its hard to see others in love but so has what we've been through and we survived.

BB89

The wedding was a blast! It was a long time friend of mine that got married so it was so great seeing so many old friends I haven't seen in years. I had such a wonderful time and it was exactly what I needed.

Thank you all for your encouragement. I'm so sorry that any of us know the pain of loving an addict. I know I have made the best decision for me and I will be ok. It's going to be awhile for me also to even think about getting in another relationship but that's ok. One day at a time.

eveewonder

BB89 Awesome you had a great time! Congratulations!!! Your emotions may jump around for a while but that is ok and normal. Kind of like going through the grief process. Maybe it won't happen to you but if it does don't be worried. So glad you are free. I hope to never encounter another relationship with an addict. To me addiction = pain and heartache.

Baloo

BB89, you did great! Enjoy it and keep it up!

BB89

Thank you

theotherhalf

I def envy you..my break girl is in a sober house and wants space...all I want to do is get back together with her....I see everything on here about being in the program for a year before any relationships start but in my mind I bug out about her 13 stepping even though she swears shes in there for her...I wish I could find that strength to cut things off...were on a break and she still calls me about every other morning and when she said we would see each other this weekend then flaked out I swore I wouldn't answer her call this morning...I hit decline...then....called back....ugh....lol

BB89

Theotherhalf, I've been where you are... EXACTLY where you are. It's not easy. It took me working on myself and setting boundaries to gather the strength to even think about walking away. My boundaries were crossed on more than one occasion before I finally hit my breaking point.

Please just take care of yourself, learn as much as you can about addiction and keep coming here. Everyone here has so much wisdom and understanding. I can tell you for a fact that, if I had not found this place, I would still be drowning in my ex's addiction.

theotherhalf

thanks for the support...ive started going to coda meetings...two so far but its a start....and im going to go to nar-anon this wed. i know its gonna take time and patience..either of which i feel i have lol....but im hoping thats what the coda will help with....its nice to know though that im not alone...my boundaries have been crossed over and over again and i never thought id be in the shoes im in now...

Diva76

I really admire your strength...
It is so hard to walk away from someone you love....
I said a very similar thing to my ex-boyfriend almost two years ago....
No, I'm not as distraught as I once was, but I do still miss the healthier version of him....
I hope things work out for the two of you, but from what I can sense already, you seem like you are going to be just fine with or without him....

And, that's a GOOD thing....

All the best,


Linda

BB89

Thank you, Diva. I'm pretty sure I too will miss the healthy version of him for a very long time. Unfortunately, I don't know if I will ever see that version of him again. I want nothing more than for him to be clean, happy and healthy but I have a terrible feeling that he is still not done. I really hope I am wrong but only time will tell.

theotherhalf

have you been going/gone to any nar-anaon meetings? im going to my first one tomorrow

eveewonder

Missing them is hard. Sometimes I think it is actually just some fantasy I miss. I will take things day by day. Perhaps if my ex ever gets well our paths will cross but that is very unlikely at our age and I really hold out no hope ... One day at a time

Diva76

Sometimes, I think I miss the fantasy, as well...
We crossed paths as adults, so if we got married, he would have been marrying his crush from Middle School and I would have had my "Fairy Tale" Wedding...

My ex is 36 and I'm 37, I don't know how old you are, but I tend to feel the same way you do in terms of him ever wanting to effect a change for the better...

We spoke about a year ago and he treated me like a total stranger...
As hard as that was for me, it proved that I made the correct choice by removing myself from the situation...

As difficult as it may be for all of us, we are so much better off allowing them to do there thing while we move forward with our own lives.....

Diva76

You are welcome, my friend...
I have no doubt that you will miss the healthier version of him...
The fact that you're grieving at all shows me that you're confronting your feelings head on, instead of numbing them with alcohol...

I understand exactly what you mean about wanting him to be happy, healthy and clean...

I remember telling my boyfriend the very same thing-and that was regardless of whether we were together or not....

After speaking to him a year ago after going no contact for 6 months, it didn't even sound like him...
So, like you....I was also left with "that terrible feeling"

But....it is through my own recovery process that I can allow myself to acknowledge my feelings about the situation and do the next best thing for myself and that would be to detach myself from "that terrible feeling"

Remember to keep in mind, that no matter how badly you feel about your boyfriend's problem, he's going to continue doing his thing no matter how you are feeling....

I once learned that we cannot control our thoughts but we can choose how we wish to respond....

By doing this, over time, it has helped me to view the situation from a much healthier perspective...

While it may be true that alcoholics distort reality, I think co-dependents can also be guilty of doing the same....

Several months ago, I wrote a post entitled, "Romanticizing the past, anyone?"
At the time I wrote this post, to give myself a much needed reality check for how "great" my relationship was...

I continue to admire your strength....
Doing the right thing can feel impossible at times, but...
in the end it will all be worth it....

All the best,


Linda

BB89

That couldn't be more accurate. I held onto him for so long because I chose to see only what I wanted. When I woke up to the reality of the situation, I was better equipped to view it objectively and act accordingly.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to miss him but that, just because I miss him, that doesn't mean that I should be with him. I miss a lot of things from my past that have no place in my present or future. I no longer want a future with him. It breaks my heart but I know that even if he does whole-heartily embrace his recovery, too much damage has been done. I don't want to go back there.

I dropped him off at the airport so that he could catch a plane to Florida for rehab. I have no idea if he got there or if he actually entered treatment but I'm not worried about that. A few times I have thought about calling his phone just to see if it's on but I have resisted the urge. Like you said, Linda, he is doing whatever he wants to be doing right now and me worrying about it will not change a thing.

Theotherhalf- I still have not been going to Nar Anon meetings like I should be but I do come here every day. I also read and work the steps on my own. There is a lady that I work with who was married to an alcoholic. She has been some what of an unofficial sponsor to me.

broken101

[QUOTE=BB89;4036640]
I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to miss him but that, just because I miss him, that doesn't mean that I should be with him. I miss a lot of things from my past that have no place in my present or future. I no longer want a future with him. It breaks my heart but I know that even if he does whole-heartily embrace his recovery, too much damage has been done. I don't want to go back there.

I dropped him off at the airport so that he could catch a plane to Florida for rehab. I have no idea if he got there or if he actually entered treatment but I'm not worried about that. A few times I have thought about calling his phone just to see if it's on but I have resisted the urge. Like you said, Linda, he is doing whatever he wants to be doing right now and me worrying about it will not change a thing.
QUOTE]

I know this feeling all so well. I still sometimes miss my ex. Very rare that I do but I do. But no matter what or how well or perfect he may get there is already to much damages done to go back. It will be unfair to me and also to him to have to live walking on eggshells. I am ok being by myself after 6 months.

When I heard he had a new woman in his life the first thing I wanted to do was get in touch with her and warn her about him but then I said its not my place to do so and she will find out herself in time beside that I was afraid that he will threaten me if I do. And I know because I was once in her shoe his ex before me contacted me and warned me about him and I never listen only made me believe more what he said she was crazy. What he does and does not do is none of my business anymore.

I posted the lyrics to this songs as it was helpful in my recovery.


"A Little Bit Stronger"


Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.