THE phone call
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 83
THE phone call
Hi SR friends,
It's been almost a week since my brother-in-laws picked up my husband & took him away from this town (our home) & his new 'friends'. It's been nearly 2wks since I've spoken with him as he'd been on a speed binge prior to this event.
Me & our 2 little girls are doing well. I feel relatively calm after a few days of hell, pretty educated on addiction now & ready to start moving on with my life & recover myself. I haven't given up hope that he will seek help & come back to us eventually but I'm not going to live in miserable limbo land anymore.
His father called me this morning & asked if he'd called. I said no. To be honest I didn't think I would hear from him for a while & dont really want to just yet. Apparently he was doing really well??? Then, a few hours ago, he called me. It was strange. We didn't have much to say. What's to say? I feel I said it all in the short letter i placed in his clothes bag that his brothers took for him. He asked about the girls & then I said I was meeting a friend for coffee so he would call back later. He hasn't & I don't expect him too. Apparently he hasn't read my letter.
Have I completely over-reacted to this entire situation? Geeze I even involved the police desperately trying to get my car back. Have i lost my mind or wishful thinking that things arent so bad? Is it possible to be injecting meth at least a few times a day for week long binges & be fine after a week of detox?? He has been doing speed binges (~every 2nd week or so) for the last 3months but, in hindsight, I suspect he was dabbing with it occassionally throughout the last 8-12months. Does this make him an addict? I was 100% sure but now I'm doubting myself. Just a reminder, tools missing from garage, suspected cheap fishing car sold & some of my good jewellery missing. I think I just answered my own question!
It's been almost a week since my brother-in-laws picked up my husband & took him away from this town (our home) & his new 'friends'. It's been nearly 2wks since I've spoken with him as he'd been on a speed binge prior to this event.
Me & our 2 little girls are doing well. I feel relatively calm after a few days of hell, pretty educated on addiction now & ready to start moving on with my life & recover myself. I haven't given up hope that he will seek help & come back to us eventually but I'm not going to live in miserable limbo land anymore.
His father called me this morning & asked if he'd called. I said no. To be honest I didn't think I would hear from him for a while & dont really want to just yet. Apparently he was doing really well??? Then, a few hours ago, he called me. It was strange. We didn't have much to say. What's to say? I feel I said it all in the short letter i placed in his clothes bag that his brothers took for him. He asked about the girls & then I said I was meeting a friend for coffee so he would call back later. He hasn't & I don't expect him too. Apparently he hasn't read my letter.
Have I completely over-reacted to this entire situation? Geeze I even involved the police desperately trying to get my car back. Have i lost my mind or wishful thinking that things arent so bad? Is it possible to be injecting meth at least a few times a day for week long binges & be fine after a week of detox?? He has been doing speed binges (~every 2nd week or so) for the last 3months but, in hindsight, I suspect he was dabbing with it occassionally throughout the last 8-12months. Does this make him an addict? I was 100% sure but now I'm doubting myself. Just a reminder, tools missing from garage, suspected cheap fishing car sold & some of my good jewellery missing. I think I just answered my own question!
Orange Lily
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Needingadvice1 
Have I completely over-reacted to this entire situation? Geeze I even involved the police desperately trying to get my car back. Have i lost my mind or wishful thinking that things arent so bad? Is it possible to be injecting meth at least a few times a day for week long binges & be fine after a week of detox?? He has been doing speed binges (~every 2nd week or so) for the last 3months but, in hindsight, I suspect he was dabbing with it occassionally throughout the last 8-12months. Does this make him an addict? I was 100% sure but now I'm doubting myself. Just a reminder, tools missing from garage, suspected cheap fishing car sold & some of my good jewellery missing. I think I just answered my own question!
Wishful thinking won't be shaken from me, either, with my AXBF- but it's wishful thinking and something outside of my control. Same with your situation- it's all in the addict's hands, not our own.
I'm sorry to hear so many of your personal things have gone missing-- it's a hard thing to shake that personal belongings have been taken in the name of addiction. But, they're only material things and the safety of yourself and your family is the most important.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi needing advice.....You did just answer your own question. Sometimes we need to see our own words in writing to truly absorb all we've been dealing with. The reality is it was causing enough chaos that you felt the need to protect yourself and your kids...You felt enough concern to involve the police. There was enough going on that his family felt the need to remove him from the situation. Don't doubt yourself. Given more time the answers will continue to present themselves....in regards to if he's doing well or not. Time will tell.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 62
Causing self doubt in otherwise completely sane, confident, intelligent people is one of the addicts best tools/weapons. You know what the deal is. Listen to your gut and your intellect. Way easier said than done, I know but if you can do this it will save you much more heartache in the end.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
Needingadvise...I'm totally with ur line of thinking on this! U did the right thing and I'm glad u realized it by writing ur post! I don't know much bout the spped question u asked. I'm sry ur jewelry is missing...when they crave these drugs, I've read its much like food and water...a definite NEED!!! Hence the stealing I'm guessing...NOT making it right though of course. I'm glad u have ur lil girls interest first! They deserve that so ur great! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 83
Thkyou everyone you've put me solidly back on my decided path.
If he gets help, real help, & goes into recovery we will talk. Oh & sti & blood tests passed. If not he will not have a life with us.
If he stays a drug user, I almost wish he would remain nasty & difficult all the time. It's much easier to stick with my decision that way & not doubt myself!
And anvilhead11, no I don't want 'that' around us but I feel like I can't just kick him to the kerb just yet. We have 2 children together. I won't be enabling him anymore but if we wants help I will assist (from a distance!).
I have butterflies in my stomach now. I have a bad feeling this is the calm before the storm...
Thx
If he gets help, real help, & goes into recovery we will talk. Oh & sti & blood tests passed. If not he will not have a life with us.
If he stays a drug user, I almost wish he would remain nasty & difficult all the time. It's much easier to stick with my decision that way & not doubt myself!
And anvilhead11, no I don't want 'that' around us but I feel like I can't just kick him to the kerb just yet. We have 2 children together. I won't be enabling him anymore but if we wants help I will assist (from a distance!).
I have butterflies in my stomach now. I have a bad feeling this is the calm before the storm...
Thx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We have 2 children together.
be nice if HE remembered that eh? when he's jamming needles in his arm? off on 1-2 week spinners? instead of stealing valuables to go hawk for dope? if he was like putting up a FIGHT? going to ANY lengths to kick this addiction to the curb and BE a father? not taking your car and leaving you stranded?
be nice if HE remembered that eh? when he's jamming needles in his arm? off on 1-2 week spinners? instead of stealing valuables to go hawk for dope? if he was like putting up a FIGHT? going to ANY lengths to kick this addiction to the curb and BE a father? not taking your car and leaving you stranded?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 83
Yes gfwhoneverknew, one of those big umbrellas with strong metal rods is needed!
Thx anvilhead11, point most definitely taken. I spose all this reading on addiction the past few weeks has made me think calmer about the situation & perhaps justify some of his behaviour, ie. he couldn't help doing those things as he's sick with addiction. Or could he? Is it the drugs or is that just his personality mixed with drugs? Is it possible for an addict to set boundaries for themselves so they don't go too far or is there simply no control? I spose I'm trying to figure out how much slack (if any) I should give. Comments much appreciated!
Thx anvilhead11, point most definitely taken. I spose all this reading on addiction the past few weeks has made me think calmer about the situation & perhaps justify some of his behaviour, ie. he couldn't help doing those things as he's sick with addiction. Or could he? Is it the drugs or is that just his personality mixed with drugs? Is it possible for an addict to set boundaries for themselves so they don't go too far or is there simply no control? I spose I'm trying to figure out how much slack (if any) I should give. Comments much appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
Morning...Icome here w my cup of starbux every morning! um...well my adbf stole etc as well. He's in trouble for it now, his Moms happy that last yr he finally got "real"punishment for all the stuff he's done and always gettin a slap on the wrist! I've talked to her at length and ur question is an awesome one and should b probably another thread!! I don't give my bf ANY slack and neither has the court system which is awesome! I'm w him but absolutely see things rationally and want him to face his consequences. He continually apologizes and feels disgusted w what he's done over the yrs. They know how they hurt people but as they're using its not as harsh I guess. My bf said once the best way to describe it is he felt he was on autopilot the whole time!!
um...well my adbf stole etc as well. He's in trouble for it now, his Moms happy that last yr he finally got "real"punishment for all the stuff he's done and always gettin a slap on the wrist! I've talked to her at length and ur question is an awesome one and should b probably another thread!! I don't give my bf ANY slack and neither has the court system which is awesome! I'm w him but absolutely see things rationally and want him to face his consequences. He continually apologizes and feels disgusted w what he's done over the yrs. They know how they hurt people but as they're using its not as harsh I guess. My bf said once the best way to describe it is he felt he was on autopilot the whole time!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
P.s. from what Iunderstand, their craving for the drug comes from the same part of the brain that tells us we need water and food, for our survival. So, they take n steal but don't think they'd b doing these things if they weren't using.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
NO SLACK. addiction doesn't MAKE people steal, but in desperation to GET drugs, addicts can rationalize and justify all sorts of crazy sh*t. doesn't make it ok. ya know how you hear those stories of a mom being able to lift a car under which her child is trapped due to pure adrenalin? injecting speed/meth is like that, x 10. instant insanity.
you asked if addicts can moderate or control their use? not once the using starts. there is one thought...MORE. ok two, NOW. concern for safety, rational thought, things like jobs, wives, kids, none of that matters. too much of a buzzkill.
you asked if addicts can moderate or control their use? not once the using starts. there is one thought...MORE. ok two, NOW. concern for safety, rational thought, things like jobs, wives, kids, none of that matters. too much of a buzzkill.
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gf, addiction/alcoholism is PROGRESSIVE and the longer one uses the worse it gets!
Anvil and I and lots of others on here speak from experience.
(((((Needingadvice1)))))
NO SLACK, he is incapable of being a parent or a partner at this time, and even if he were to stop today, it would take a good year of him just working on him (and trust me it is VERY HARD WORK) before he might start to be a little bit capable of parenting and maybe a distant boyfriend.
Recovery puts one in a hell that is worse than the one, one was living during their using years. Yes, I know first hand.
If and that is a big IF he does choose sobriety, it will be his ACTIONS not his words that will show you what if any type of program he is working.
Oh, and you are never going 'to figure it out'! Heck I am sober and clean many years now and I still don't understand some of the crap I pulled.
Love and hugs,
Anvil and I and lots of others on here speak from experience.
(((((Needingadvice1)))))
NO SLACK, he is incapable of being a parent or a partner at this time, and even if he were to stop today, it would take a good year of him just working on him (and trust me it is VERY HARD WORK) before he might start to be a little bit capable of parenting and maybe a distant boyfriend.
Recovery puts one in a hell that is worse than the one, one was living during their using years. Yes, I know first hand.
If and that is a big IF he does choose sobriety, it will be his ACTIONS not his words that will show you what if any type of program he is working.
Oh, and you are never going 'to figure it out'! Heck I am sober and clean many years now and I still don't understand some of the crap I pulled.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: May 2013
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Thks guys. Cutting no slack means I'm angry again though. Living in a world where 'he couldn't control himself, he has an addiction' seems easier to deal with it all. Ahh this is so depressing. I don't think he's ready for recovery yet - if ever. Even with my ultimatum I think he'll stay on this roller coaster for a while longer if always
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Not cutting someone slack, does not mean holding the past against them forever, especially IF they are trying to change their lives, end drug use, seek treatment or help for their issues. People with addiction often live in a state of regret, self hatred, shame for things they have done while in active addiction. It actually keeps people in addiction sometimes when they cannot cope with these feelings. They use to suppress the pain. They cannot change the past, all they can do is take responsibility for the mistakes they made, understand why they happened, and try to move forward in a positive way. This often happens gradually during recovery.
I say this based on the experience of myself and my husband. He was addicted to opiate based pain meds, used some benzo, cocaine… and made a lot of mistakes. This was one of the hardest aspects of recovery for him. Addiction can cause a lot of damage to “self”. He has been clean and in recovery for 14 months now. He has worked hard. He went to a 3 month rehab, and still works with a therapist. We did marriage counseling, I did private therapy – this also helped me deal with things of the past, and even my part in some of it. I had mistakes and regrets too.
If you have not read up on what happens from a physiological perspective when a person is in addiction I suggest you delve into this. (stickies at the top of the forum from National Institute of Drug Abuse has lots of links and info) Addiction is progressive and the longer it goes on, and depending on the specific drugs involved – people certainly lose track of reality, lines are gone between right and wrong, the drug use, need for the drug are just as GFWHONEVERKNEW said – moved to the top of the food chain. Anything that comes before it, is a threat. (My husband said sometimes it was like when you get brain freeze from eating ice cream too fast. It hits you and overtakes everything, its all you can focus on as you want to ease that feeling). Even in early recovery, the damage and negative learnt behaviors can take time to overcome.
I think you have to do what is best for your children, and this has to be based on your unique situation. I do not subscribe to the general thought that it takes someone a year to be able to parent a child, or be present and accountable in a relationship due to drug addiction. (If that is the case, they probably shouldn’t work, be responsible for much of anything). This I will also speak to out of experience. My son was an infant when his dad went into rehab. My husband was in rehab and reading parenting books in his off time. When he came home after 3 months, together and with the help of the counselors – we set boundaries related to our child. They were to ensure his safety, and to also make sure that my husband felt comfortable and wasn’t put under too much stress in the beginning. In time, the boundaries changed, were reduced, eliminated. I cannot imagine having kept him from his child for a year just because…. No, it has to be based on your unique situation. In some cases, the drug addiction and recovery may not matter, maybe the person is just not parent material. There are many variables.
Another reason I feel strongly about this is because one of the major reasons people do not seek treatment for addiction is fear of losing their children, their families once the truth comes out. It goes again to shame, guilt, past lies, and pain, and the stigma attached to addiction.
You do not have to have all the answers today. I fumbled and made mistakes along my journey. It would be nice if there was a manual that told us just what to do for every situation, but life doesn’t work that way. I went through a range of emotions with my husband; anger was definitely one of them. Feel it, but don’t get stuck there.
I say this based on the experience of myself and my husband. He was addicted to opiate based pain meds, used some benzo, cocaine… and made a lot of mistakes. This was one of the hardest aspects of recovery for him. Addiction can cause a lot of damage to “self”. He has been clean and in recovery for 14 months now. He has worked hard. He went to a 3 month rehab, and still works with a therapist. We did marriage counseling, I did private therapy – this also helped me deal with things of the past, and even my part in some of it. I had mistakes and regrets too.
If you have not read up on what happens from a physiological perspective when a person is in addiction I suggest you delve into this. (stickies at the top of the forum from National Institute of Drug Abuse has lots of links and info) Addiction is progressive and the longer it goes on, and depending on the specific drugs involved – people certainly lose track of reality, lines are gone between right and wrong, the drug use, need for the drug are just as GFWHONEVERKNEW said – moved to the top of the food chain. Anything that comes before it, is a threat. (My husband said sometimes it was like when you get brain freeze from eating ice cream too fast. It hits you and overtakes everything, its all you can focus on as you want to ease that feeling). Even in early recovery, the damage and negative learnt behaviors can take time to overcome.
I think you have to do what is best for your children, and this has to be based on your unique situation. I do not subscribe to the general thought that it takes someone a year to be able to parent a child, or be present and accountable in a relationship due to drug addiction. (If that is the case, they probably shouldn’t work, be responsible for much of anything). This I will also speak to out of experience. My son was an infant when his dad went into rehab. My husband was in rehab and reading parenting books in his off time. When he came home after 3 months, together and with the help of the counselors – we set boundaries related to our child. They were to ensure his safety, and to also make sure that my husband felt comfortable and wasn’t put under too much stress in the beginning. In time, the boundaries changed, were reduced, eliminated. I cannot imagine having kept him from his child for a year just because…. No, it has to be based on your unique situation. In some cases, the drug addiction and recovery may not matter, maybe the person is just not parent material. There are many variables.
Another reason I feel strongly about this is because one of the major reasons people do not seek treatment for addiction is fear of losing their children, their families once the truth comes out. It goes again to shame, guilt, past lies, and pain, and the stigma attached to addiction.
You do not have to have all the answers today. I fumbled and made mistakes along my journey. It would be nice if there was a manual that told us just what to do for every situation, but life doesn’t work that way. I went through a range of emotions with my husband; anger was definitely one of them. Feel it, but don’t get stuck there.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
allfor - you are missing a really key point here....THIS guy is not In recovery, not even close yet. she just got her CAR back! I think it's a bit early to start touting how we should consider poor him and what addiction does to him and how he just needs time. he pawned items from the household, including some of her jewelry, and then took off and left her stranded with children and no transportation. he's been out of the house a mere two weeks. dude has been shooting up methamphetamine...
please. we aren't here to help or defend the addict. we are here to help those friends and family who have been suffering from the crushing devastation of addiction. we have moms and children left stranded, with no money, under threats or acts of violence...children that hide in their rooms when it gets bad...wives who believe it is THEIR fault. it isn't always advisable to tell them to just hang in there!
please. we aren't here to help or defend the addict. we are here to help those friends and family who have been suffering from the crushing devastation of addiction. we have moms and children left stranded, with no money, under threats or acts of violence...children that hide in their rooms when it gets bad...wives who believe it is THEIR fault. it isn't always advisable to tell them to just hang in there!
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