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-   -   The "I don't know" 's (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/298499-i-dont-know-s.html)

pravchaw 06-21-2013 08:04 AM

The "I don't know" 's
 
Conversation with marijuana addicted son mostly devolve into "I don't know", "I don't know" on his part and frustration on my part. This would apply to questions like, what do you want to do with your life? to why do you keep on losing your cell phone (he has lost 2 in the last 3 months)? Any plans for the weekend? Meanwhile days turn into months and years.

While I have learnt to not show my anger :c004: (no use) but have to learn how keep my :a213:.

How do you manage to communicate with your addicted loved one? Is a complete cut off the answer?

sojourner 06-21-2013 08:18 AM

Hi Pravchaw:

Conversations are hard. If you want to chit-chat, try not asking such loaded questions. I do not struggle with addiction, but I would probably answer similar to your son to the examples of questions you gave above because the underlying goal of the questions is to "get in my case."

If you are wanting to discuss a heavy topic like the concerns you have for your son, still don't ask questions but instead try making just statements. "I see you have lost 2 phones in the last 3 months." Then just wait. If he responds, say something like, "Oh."

Hang in there. It does not seem like a complete cut-off is necessary, but timing and phrasing are everything.

DG0409 06-21-2013 08:32 AM

Just my view as a marijuana addict myself, and not quite an answer to your question. But I wanted to share in case it helps.

When you ask, "What are your plans for the weekend?" the honest answer is probably that he is planning to smoke a bunch of dope. If he doesn't have any, his plans are probably to get some. He probably knows that this answer is not going to be one which you are pleased with, so "I don't know" lets him avoid giving you the honest answer, which you wouldn't like anyway.

As far as the cell phone, if he knew why he lost it or where it was, he wouldn't have lost it. (Either that, or if he's desperate for money, he could be selling/trading them for drugs.) You can install apps on any of the new smart phones that will let you get the GPS location of the phone if it gets lost (either from another phone, or by logging in online).

"what do you want to do with your life?" When you're a marijuana addict, what you REALLY want to do is smoke weed. Nothing else really matters. A job is just to get money so you can smoke weed. Friends are just people you smoke weed with. He knows you don't want the answer "I just want to get high all the time", so he says, "I don't know"

Honest communication with addicts isn't possible because they will lie to protect their addiction. Every single time.

Your son probably knows that your are not OK with him being a marijuana addict, so he is not going to be honest about it with you. (I'm not trying to imply that you should be ok with it or anything, just trying to explain why son isn't open and honest.)

How old is your son? Why are you concerned about what happened to his phone? (I am guessing because you paid for it. If that's the case, I simply wouldn't buy him another one if he shows he is unable to care for them.) Then you don't need to care that he can't keep track of one. If he really wants a cell phone, he could get a job and pay for his own. He probably wouldn't lose it then.

AnvilheadII 06-21-2013 02:03 PM

maybe try more open ended statements versus questions? if you asked me what i want to do with my life i'd probably say I Don't Know too!!! try to make it more about SHARING...oh gosh, i saw the funniest thing on my way home today. Wow that was an amazing hockey game the other night. Oh your Aunt Bertha says hi.

KKE 06-21-2013 03:06 PM

I work with young people and sometimes we provide them with possible answers or we try to name feeling for them to help them e.g. I can see you're struggling at the moment, I'm wondering if perhaps you are feeling anxious or frustrated? Another one we do for our young people is ask them to rate certain feelings on a scale of 1-10 which to date I have never had a young person that doesn't answer e.g. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being really calm and 10 feeling extremely angry where would you put yourself? I always find can open communication.

Chino 06-21-2013 03:52 PM

As my son approached adulthood, I noticed he didn't ask for my advice as often and he didn't confide in me as often, either. His actions let me know he kept his own counsel, had healthy boundaries and I chose to respect them. He doesn't answer to me. I still don't ask him anything personal to this day. I mind my own business.

I did the exact opposite with my recovering addict daughter :/

pravchaw 06-22-2013 07:47 AM

Dear All, :tyou for the good advise. I found it very useful.

I should have been more honest in my earlier post. On reflection sojourner is right, I do have an ulterior motive for initiating conversations with him, which is to "get in his case." I want to know what is going on with him (is he using? how much? is he trying to cutback/ quit? Is he planning to go to college? Get a better job than an hourly labourer?) While I have let go of our earlier more clumsy attempts to control (monitoring his movements., searching through his stuff etc.) he still dominates my thoughts. I guess, its I who needs a life! He should probably be asking the same questions of me (except the cell phone part).

DG, thanks for reminding me that

Honest communication with addicts isn't possible because they will lie to protect their addiction. Every single time.
In favour of my son - its probably better he say's "I don't know" than lying every time.

Chino 06-22-2013 10:06 AM

Your honesty with yourself will continue to help heal you :)


Originally Posted by pravchaw (Post 4030516)
I guess, its I who needs a life! He should probably be asking the same questions of me (except the cell phone part).

My daughter asked me what I would do with my life, when I was done getting her squared away. She was sincerely asking the question and that stung even worse. I'm doing my best to have fun these days.

DG0409 06-25-2013 10:18 AM


Originally Posted by pravchaw (Post 4030516)
In favour of my son - its probably better he say's "I don't know" than lying every time.

I kind of hate to say this, but I think "I don't know" is a bit of a lie still.

But we'll forgive him for it as what he probably means to say and doesn't have the life experience to realize it's ok to say to his parents is simply, "Sorry, but I don't care to share the answer to that with you."

It took me a long time to realize that I could just say, "It's none of your business, mom." It was a wow moment for me. :c029: Once I finally did that when my mom was prying too much though, she stopped asking about things that aren't her business.

I think you're on the right track thinking about your life plans and what you are going to do this week. Very insightful that you mentioned he should be asking you those things.

pravchaw 06-25-2013 05:22 PM


"It's none of your business,."
Actually he said that to me. I hated it but kept quite. The next day he said "I don't have any grocery money, Dad". I said "its none of my business son".

Justfor1 06-25-2013 05:47 PM


Originally Posted by pravchaw (Post 4036377)
Actually he said that to me. I hated it but kept quite. The next day he said "I don't have any grocery money, Dad". I said "its none of my business son".

The fact that he tends to use on Fridays and then seems to run out of money is troubling. Is it possible that he has progressed to harder drugs? I recall he stole his grandmothers ATM card & that is a sign that he needed drugs very badly.

DG0409 06-25-2013 07:43 PM


Originally Posted by pravchaw (Post 4036377)
Actually he said that to me. I hated it but kept quite. The next day he said "I don't have any grocery money, Dad". I said "its none of my business son".

LOL. Love your response to the request for money! Well done.

pravchaw 06-26-2013 09:54 AM


The fact that he tends to use on Fridays and then seems to run out of money is troubling. Is it possible that he has progressed to harder drugs? I recall he stole his grandmothers ATM card & that is a sign that he needed drugs very badly.
Scary thought - but possible but I think not, his marijuana addiction is very strong. I have read that over the years marijuana strains (esp the hydroponically grown available around here) have become very high in THC (active ingredient of marijuana). He drinks as well so between mj and alcohol its quite a big problem as it is. Any signs I should be looking for if he has progressed to harder stuff?

He got paid yesterday and as expected promptly took off and moved back to his rented room. We will tell him this week that he is not allowed to overnight with us any more. If he is broke and hungry I do not have the heart to deny him a meal, currently.:15:

GardenMama 06-26-2013 11:38 AM

Not to add to your scary thoughts, but I was clueless and thought that my daughter was just really tired when she'd fall asleep in mid-sentence or sitting at dinner and her head would kind of bob and nod...Heroin.

A meal? Of course. You are starting to figure out what your boundaries are and that is to be commended! Being a parent of a young addict is so confounding. Keep up the good work. Peace.

Justfor1 06-26-2013 12:57 PM

Look for little pin hole size eyeballs and nodding out for heroin or opiates. Marijuana is considered a "gateway drug" by some and my experience I have seen many heroin/cocaine addicts begin using weed first. Running out of money within a day of getting paid is not a good sign. The cost of marijuana is usually not terribly expensive.

DG0409 06-26-2013 02:18 PM


Originally Posted by pravchaw (Post 4037490)
Any signs I should be looking for if he has progressed to harder stuff?

Nope.

There are lots of signs, but none you should waste your time looking for.

You can't cure it and can't control it, so what good would it even do if you thought you'd found signs of it?

GardenMama 06-26-2013 03:00 PM

I get what you are saying in terms of hard & fast 12 Step practice, DG, but he is a parent and his son is a young man...many of us were so shocked and felt stupid and duped for not knowing the signs.

pravchaw 06-26-2013 05:41 PM

I have not seen any of those signs yet but thanks for the tips. I don't want to be duped again. He has been smoking mj since he was 13 and I only clued in about 21/2 years ago when he started flunking university.
DG I get what you are saying, I need to let go with love. Thanks for the reminder.


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