Why oh why???
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Why oh why???
Why do I still feel like I would be abandoning my husband if I left him? I know he is a grown man and is very capable of living his life the way he wants. He makes a decent income and will probably live a nicer lifestyle then me (which doesn't bother me in the least anymore).
It's been over a year since I joined SR, I have learned so much but I still feel stuck about leaving him. It doesn't feel like obligation, it just feels mean and cold. I know he would be so hurt and that really bothers me. I do not feel at peace about leaving him...yet.
To make matters worse, I had a good friend of mind say to me today "at least he is trying, this isn't easy, give the man a break, he is good man who adores you." I didn't say anything back but my head was ready to explode so I quickly got off the phone.
Compassion makes me feel weak. I liked it better when I felt angry. If that make sense to anyone.
Secretly, a part of me is waiting for him to make me mad so I can pack up my car and drive away. Let him figure out how to pack up the house and all it's belongings. He can give it all away at this point, what I don't know or see wont hurt me. I would rather rebuild from scratch anyway.
It's been over a year since I joined SR, I have learned so much but I still feel stuck about leaving him. It doesn't feel like obligation, it just feels mean and cold. I know he would be so hurt and that really bothers me. I do not feel at peace about leaving him...yet.
To make matters worse, I had a good friend of mind say to me today "at least he is trying, this isn't easy, give the man a break, he is good man who adores you." I didn't say anything back but my head was ready to explode so I quickly got off the phone.
Compassion makes me feel weak. I liked it better when I felt angry. If that make sense to anyone.
Secretly, a part of me is waiting for him to make me mad so I can pack up my car and drive away. Let him figure out how to pack up the house and all it's belongings. He can give it all away at this point, what I don't know or see wont hurt me. I would rather rebuild from scratch anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Here's what I'm wondering - why doesn't your H feel bad about wanting you to stay with him? You feel bad about maybe hurting him if you leave but I don't hear about him feeling bad about wanting you to stay in this dire situation with him.
The reason I say this is one of the things that happened when I told my STBXAH (he's a binge drinker so I told him during a sober period) I wanted to live separately was that he told me that I was right, he was a disaster and I deserved better. The one thing that did for me was it really did give me compassion for him - we both knew at that point he had a disease the disease was winning and he wasn't ready to do what it took. I don't hate my AH at all - I just can't live with the disease, and our split has been overall amicable.
I dunno...I just feel like you're doing all the feeling bad and no one's feeling bad for you or taking care of you (including you). I mean separating doesn't mean the marriage is over even, it means "for us as a couple right now it's better and healthier (financially and emotionally) to live separate".
Maybe I'm way off in these thoughts this is just what comes to me when I read some of your posts.
You'll know when you're ready - it's all up to you, and we're here to support you the whole way.
I do know this - and this is from a friend of mine who went through a regular divorce (no drugs or alcohol involved) - she said "you're ready to go when you don't have anything more to say". So you don't want to yell or get angry it just is what it is and you're ready for you. Another friend of mine also divorced and told me he was ready when his STBXW crossed "certain lines that cannot be uncrossed." In my marriage the first has definitely happened - there isn't much left to say - now the second hasn't happened so in 5 years if I meet up with him and he's 5 years sober hey who knows...but for now there is nothing left to say but an amicable goodbye to my AH. I'm not saying it's not hard - IT IS - there are good memories (heck he even has some good moments in the present) but despite that I know this is the right move.
The reason I say this is one of the things that happened when I told my STBXAH (he's a binge drinker so I told him during a sober period) I wanted to live separately was that he told me that I was right, he was a disaster and I deserved better. The one thing that did for me was it really did give me compassion for him - we both knew at that point he had a disease the disease was winning and he wasn't ready to do what it took. I don't hate my AH at all - I just can't live with the disease, and our split has been overall amicable.
I dunno...I just feel like you're doing all the feeling bad and no one's feeling bad for you or taking care of you (including you). I mean separating doesn't mean the marriage is over even, it means "for us as a couple right now it's better and healthier (financially and emotionally) to live separate".
Maybe I'm way off in these thoughts this is just what comes to me when I read some of your posts.
You'll know when you're ready - it's all up to you, and we're here to support you the whole way.
I do know this - and this is from a friend of mine who went through a regular divorce (no drugs or alcohol involved) - she said "you're ready to go when you don't have anything more to say". So you don't want to yell or get angry it just is what it is and you're ready for you. Another friend of mine also divorced and told me he was ready when his STBXW crossed "certain lines that cannot be uncrossed." In my marriage the first has definitely happened - there isn't much left to say - now the second hasn't happened so in 5 years if I meet up with him and he's 5 years sober hey who knows...but for now there is nothing left to say but an amicable goodbye to my AH. I'm not saying it's not hard - IT IS - there are good memories (heck he even has some good moments in the present) but despite that I know this is the right move.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
LMN, I'm probably the last person you would want to take advice from but I say this with the best of intentions. I too feel the same way about my son as you do about your husband , in that I don't want to give up on him no matter what. I never felt anger towards my son and maybe I should have but never really could. It's just not in my nature and maybe that's a flaw....being too forgiven. Maybe this is part of letting go and maybe not. All I know is that I have to go with what my heart tells me. Maybe it's the same for you. Hugs coming your way.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband has told me several times he understands if I leave and that he knows I didn't sign up for this but I can still see the pain in his face. It breaks my heart when he looks at me and says "why, why can't I get this?" I can see the fear in his eyes.
After all this time, I STILL don't know how to care about me without feeling selfish a lot of the times. Heck, some people would even be willing to live under a bridge with their loved ones, I wouldn't and that makes me feel bad about me.
After all this time, I STILL don't know how to care about me without feeling selfish a lot of the times. Heck, some people would even be willing to live under a bridge with their loved ones, I wouldn't and that makes me feel bad about me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Years ago…
I was talking to a friend of mine and she said he would stop the world the for me, he takes good care of everyone, provides for the kids, we have a nice home, never forgot my birthday or any day important, knows the little things that are important to me … And she said the same thing, if he would only just **** me off, be mean, scream, hurt me, anything so I could hate him.
I just laughed because I knew exactly what she was talking about.
Really do you need to hate him, will that help? And if it does what would it help you do get better or stay sick?
Again nothing is about him. What do you want to do … watch your motives, try to remove any worry and fear from the mix because it complicates the issue….you get no medal for staying, none for leaving either. And the only thing that will even make sense is if you keep working on just you, then no matter what choice you make today the future will always hold great promise.
Why would you be abandoning him if you left? My view has changed in that area. If I have to leave it will be because I need to for me, and it won’t negate the past, or deem the years as wasted. It will be because it was time to shift the path, as this one wasn’t lighting me up anymore….
In the scope of it all, today is just that today … tomorrow is a new day, it will be as good or as bad as you make it. It will also be as complicated as you make it. And you don’t need him to **** you off to leave …
It is ok to not be ready to make a decision.
It is ok to love him, … just not that icky I am way in denial love …
It is ok to accept him as he is …
It is ok to be ok with the decision you wish to make …
It is no one else’s business how you choose to live your life …
You are NOT stupid. I do think you are learning and have been. I do also think you are expecting to much at times for yourself and worry too much about what others think you should do … work that one out ok, it is important. Remove the addiction, even more important. Cause hell are the drugs worth all that power given away?
Have you talked to your therapist about how torn you are? Maybe that will help you.
Are you still journaling, that might help too.
A little over a year…come on, think about it. You didn’t get here overnight, just like he didn’t. The sick thinking, well that for everyone tends to be way before the actual … oops I am an addict or I am a codie. So it takes time, the learning is like a house being built, each row of brick dependent upon the layer before. And in this madness we tend to be working from the dirt on up. So it takes a while…
Be patient with yourself.
I was talking to a friend of mine and she said he would stop the world the for me, he takes good care of everyone, provides for the kids, we have a nice home, never forgot my birthday or any day important, knows the little things that are important to me … And she said the same thing, if he would only just **** me off, be mean, scream, hurt me, anything so I could hate him.
I just laughed because I knew exactly what she was talking about.
Really do you need to hate him, will that help? And if it does what would it help you do get better or stay sick?
Again nothing is about him. What do you want to do … watch your motives, try to remove any worry and fear from the mix because it complicates the issue….you get no medal for staying, none for leaving either. And the only thing that will even make sense is if you keep working on just you, then no matter what choice you make today the future will always hold great promise.
Why would you be abandoning him if you left? My view has changed in that area. If I have to leave it will be because I need to for me, and it won’t negate the past, or deem the years as wasted. It will be because it was time to shift the path, as this one wasn’t lighting me up anymore….
In the scope of it all, today is just that today … tomorrow is a new day, it will be as good or as bad as you make it. It will also be as complicated as you make it. And you don’t need him to **** you off to leave …
It is ok to not be ready to make a decision.
It is ok to love him, … just not that icky I am way in denial love …
It is ok to accept him as he is …
It is ok to be ok with the decision you wish to make …
It is no one else’s business how you choose to live your life …
You are NOT stupid. I do think you are learning and have been. I do also think you are expecting to much at times for yourself and worry too much about what others think you should do … work that one out ok, it is important. Remove the addiction, even more important. Cause hell are the drugs worth all that power given away?
Have you talked to your therapist about how torn you are? Maybe that will help you.
Are you still journaling, that might help too.
A little over a year…come on, think about it. You didn’t get here overnight, just like he didn’t. The sick thinking, well that for everyone tends to be way before the actual … oops I am an addict or I am a codie. So it takes time, the learning is like a house being built, each row of brick dependent upon the layer before. And in this madness we tend to be working from the dirt on up. So it takes a while…
Be patient with yourself.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Just like an addict you're not done until you're done. They can come up with one more reason to use, we can come up with one more reason to stay.
You can continue to torture yourself trying to force the issue, or you can just accept what is, until you are ready to find a different way.
You can continue to torture yourself trying to force the issue, or you can just accept what is, until you are ready to find a different way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Why do I still feel like I would be abandoning my husband if I left him?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If you decide to stay, if you can't bear separating for a while, then if you stay, it will be unfair to resent him, to feel anger toward him, and to ask him for those things which he cannot give. It will be unfair to blame him for your unhappiness.
So if you stay, you will need, I think, to really hit the meetings and have a sponsor and a counselor, because Detachment will be your challenge and your goal.
So if you stay, you will need, I think, to really hit the meetings and have a sponsor and a counselor, because Detachment will be your challenge and your goal.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it just feels mean and cold. I know he would be so hurt and that really bothers me.
or is it, maybe he won't be that hurt when you leave and you are afraid to leave and then find that out??? most often we really don't stay to prevent THEIR hurt as much as we do to prevent our own. and we choose the uncomfortably familiar rather than the unknown. THE TRUTH.
or is it, maybe he won't be that hurt when you leave and you are afraid to leave and then find that out??? most often we really don't stay to prevent THEIR hurt as much as we do to prevent our own. and we choose the uncomfortably familiar rather than the unknown. THE TRUTH.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Well, in true Codie fashion, I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks or gone to any meetings lately. I went right back into victim mode and black and white thinking. The little voice in my head tells me I am wasting my time because nothing is getting better. I am not getting better. Still feeling stuck in the same spot and feeling more and more depressed. It's not him, it's me and I can't seem to get out of my own way lately.
I am embarrassed that I haven't made much strides. I know what other people think of me shouldn't matter, but it still hurts me when I hear the disappointment in their voices. I hate losing their respect. Funny, because I probably lost it a lot longer then I realized.
Heck, this is just the internet, no one really knows me and I feel embarrassed posting about how weak I still am. I truly thought I had come further then I have.
I am embarrassed that I haven't made much strides. I know what other people think of me shouldn't matter, but it still hurts me when I hear the disappointment in their voices. I hate losing their respect. Funny, because I probably lost it a lot longer then I realized.
Heck, this is just the internet, no one really knows me and I feel embarrassed posting about how weak I still am. I truly thought I had come further then I have.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it just feels mean and cold. I know he would be so hurt and that really bothers me.
or is it, maybe he won't be that hurt when you leave and you are afraid to leave and then find that out??? most often we really don't stay to prevent THEIR hurt as much as we do to prevent our own. and we choose the uncomfortably familiar rather than the unknown. THE TRUTH.
or is it, maybe he won't be that hurt when you leave and you are afraid to leave and then find that out??? most often we really don't stay to prevent THEIR hurt as much as we do to prevent our own. and we choose the uncomfortably familiar rather than the unknown. THE TRUTH.
But I know I am not uncomfortable with the thought of him being with someone else. BUT, maybe the unknown still does scares me.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
who said anything about him being with someone else????
This time when he picked up a new white key chain, he claims he did it for him and only him. (and I know that's the only way to do it).
Time will tell!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by cynical one
Ditto what Chino said. You can abandon puppies or children. To abandon a grown ass man is to see him as less than or not capable.
And OT. OMG a helicopter just flew about 30 feet outside my window. WTH?
And OT. OMG a helicopter just flew about 30 feet outside my window. WTH?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Well, in true Codie fashion, I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks or gone to any meetings lately. I went right back into victim mode and black and white thinking. The little voice in my head tells me I am wasting my time because nothing is getting better. I am not getting better. Still feeling stuck in the same spot and feeling more and more depressed. It's not him, it's me and I can't seem to get out of my own way lately.
I am embarrassed that I haven't made much strides. I know what other people think of me shouldn't matter, but it still hurts me when I hear the disappointment in their voices. I hate losing their respect. Funny, because I probably lost it a lot longer then I realized.
Heck, this is just the internet, no one really knows me and I feel embarrassed posting about how weak I still am. I truly thought I had come further then I have.
I am embarrassed that I haven't made much strides. I know what other people think of me shouldn't matter, but it still hurts me when I hear the disappointment in their voices. I hate losing their respect. Funny, because I probably lost it a lot longer then I realized.
Heck, this is just the internet, no one really knows me and I feel embarrassed posting about how weak I still am. I truly thought I had come further then I have.
============================================
you AREN'T weak.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
LMN, right now you are "in between". You are not quite "in" your marriage and have set a pain blocking barrier, which is healthy, and you're not quite "out" of your marriage as conflicting emotions are keeping you tied.
"In between" is an okay place to be. It's not weak or stupid, it is a place where we rest a while to get a clearer perspective of where we have been and where we want to go...and then we set a plan on how to move forward or stay in peace.
"In between" gives time to heal from the hurt of the past before facing the unknown of the future.
Now...out come the steel toed bunny slippers...you don't have to do this alone. Try heading back to meetings, talk to your therapist and pray a lot, trusting that all these things will help you gain clarity.
In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. Live one day at a time, embrace the joy and process the pain.
You WILL be okay, whatever you choose. Poo on friends or family who don't understand. Take care of you first, that is all you need to do.
Hugs
"In between" is an okay place to be. It's not weak or stupid, it is a place where we rest a while to get a clearer perspective of where we have been and where we want to go...and then we set a plan on how to move forward or stay in peace.
"In between" gives time to heal from the hurt of the past before facing the unknown of the future.
Now...out come the steel toed bunny slippers...you don't have to do this alone. Try heading back to meetings, talk to your therapist and pray a lot, trusting that all these things will help you gain clarity.
In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. Live one day at a time, embrace the joy and process the pain.
You WILL be okay, whatever you choose. Poo on friends or family who don't understand. Take care of you first, that is all you need to do.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by cynical one
Just like an addict you're not done until you're done. They can come up with one more reason to use, we can come up with one more reason to stay.
You can continue to torture yourself trying to force the issue, or you can just accept what is, until you are ready to find a different way.
You can continue to torture yourself trying to force the issue, or you can just accept what is, until you are ready to find a different way.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The one common thing I keep hearing from people who have left is "I wish I had done it sooner."
Hearing this over and over is making me very anxious to make a decision. In the end, everyone I know eventually left so I am not sure why I am prolonging it? I just don't know!!
Hearing this over and over is making me very anxious to make a decision. In the end, everyone I know eventually left so I am not sure why I am prolonging it? I just don't know!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
The one common thing I keep hearing from people who have left is "I wish I had done it sooner."
Hearing this over and over is making me very anxious to make a decision. In the end, everyone I know eventually left so I am not sure why I am prolonging it? I just don't know!!
Hearing this over and over is making me very anxious to make a decision. In the end, everyone I know eventually left so I am not sure why I am prolonging it? I just don't know!!
You'll figure out what you need to do when you need to do it....whenever that is....whatever that is.
gentle hugs
ke
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