feelNhelpless

I found this forum after searching for a what to do next solution, and it has been great reading the stickies and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.

So, I am a husband of a stay at home mom who is an abuser of pills. Any and every pill that enters the house it hasnt mattered. This has been going on for a couple of years. At first I had no idea, she constantly felt bad, had to go the doctors because we thought there was something serious going on. We went to every species of doctor you could imagine. Looking back I now know that she was shopping for any prescription she could get.

At first the biggest excuse was that she couldnt sleep, she worked as an ER nurse for a long time and worked the overnight shift. Her claim was that because of working this night shift she had a hard time adjusting to a normal schedule. The excuse made sense for awhile. Well then it went from taking the pills to sleep to taking the pills and staying up all night. After we had our daughter the excuse became that she liked staying up late because it was her time alone where she could clear her head. The problem was that I would often find her past out on the couch with an ice cream cone melting in her lap.

The escalation to taking the pills and no an internet shopping addiction has taken this to a new level that is financially going to destroy our once happy family. There is so much more that I want to say, need to say, need to ask, but I just got a phone call from her and I need to have some quiet time to process.

I guess the biggest question i have is: How can I have her removed from my house if she has no job? We are both 38 yrs old, can I have her forced into treatment without getting the courts involved? I am in too deep now and the only option is to understand that my mariage is over and try to salvage my wifes life and future..

I hope everyone has a blessed night.

catlovermi

Welcome to SR, FeelNHelpless, sorry to hear of your circumstances, but you are among folks who know exactly of that which you speak.



First, it's not uncommon for addicts in the health professions fields to become addicted on the job where they have access to painkillers and other medications. It could have been the addiction, and not the night shift, that was the root of the behaviors.

Second, while you are legally married, you are legally responsible for any debts or liabilities incurred by a spouse. You would also have difficulty disrupting residence of a legal spouse. Laws vary according to location, but it's a very good idea to seek legal counsel to know your legal landscape when your financial future is at stake, and also the well-being of any children.

There is a wealth of information in the "sticky" posts, which are the ones at the top of the list of topics when you come to the forum. There is also invaluable face-to-face, local support for folks like you in a nearby al-anon or nar-anon meeting, where you will learn tools to deal with an addict in the family.

More folks will be along shortly.

Sending support and encouragement. With the right help, you CAN get your life back to sanity again, regardless of what your wife chooses to do. Al-anon can help you navigate the minefield.

CLMI

lizwig

Good Morning, I'd like to welcome you to the board. I know the strength it takes to finally reach out about a loved ones addiciton so I wanted to acknowledge you for finding your way here. Powerlessness is an awful feeling. I spent literally years trying to convince myself if only I said the right thing it would make all the difference. It never did. It just prolonged the inevitable. What did make a HUGE change for me was when I took the focus off of my adult son and his addiciton and turned it onto myself. I began reading every book I could find on addiciton....and forced myself to attend an al-anon meeting (we have no nar-anon meetings in our area)....I have attended every single Thursday since. It has absolutely saved my sanity. It is amazing to me how a room full of strangers can immediately relate on some level to every.single.word.you.say. I felt like my situation was so unique. It wasn't. I would really encourage you to attend if you are able. I believe once we acknowledge WE need to be restored to sanity...help is available to us...whether our loved ones continue using or not. You are safe here...people understand your struggle....but I will say the face to face of a meeting is incredible. Also keep coming back here! So much insight and collective wisdom from countless caring people. Sending you strength today...I"m sorry you are dealing with this.

BeavsDad

You might not be able to kick her out real quick, but you can split the finances so she can't waste anymore of your money.

melis

I'm new here too, and while I don't have much in the way of advice, I can say that you are not alone. That knowledge has been very comforting for me today and I hope it is for you too.

feelNhelpless

Thank-you all for the kind words and support, it has been chaos the last couple of days and I feel like I am losing my mind... The arguing goes in circles, it is obvious that she is fighting some very strong inner demons.
She says our relationship is over and that she wants a divorce. She tells me that it is all my fault and that I have crossed a line when I took our business and broadcasted it out to everyone.

In one sense I feel like I should comply with her wishes and make this happen, but I end up in tears. Sobbing uncontrollably...The thought of having to break up our family over this makes me so sad. Part of me knows it would be for the best but I still Love her very much and I love my family. I just want it all to be a bad dream but I realize that it is a living nightmare and I need to let the cards fall as they will.

I don't know how to be proactive with this, it just seems easier to let some time pass and see what happens, but how long do I wait...

I just don't know, and I am very sad. Everytime I look at my daughter I want to cry. I want to be able to raise her with my wife but it just doesn't seem that will happen.

Once again thank-you everyone..I am going to start reading some more...

wiscsober

FeelNHelpless

I am a male and I attend Alanon....I would recommend that you seek out a program called Naranon which is for family and friends of drug addicts....a quick google search will give you a wealth of info.

I can not give you any legal, financial, or health advice. I strongly suggest approaching experts locally.

SR is an instrumental part of my recovery....I read a lot....probably post too much...but I have learned and used much of the advice.

You will hear of the 3 C's

This is for you and your child....I'm more concerned about your welfare....when living with addicts family members become sick themselves and need to get in to some type of recovery.


You did not cause your wife's addiction
You can not control or change it
And you can not cure it.....

My best to you....please stick around SR....you have helped me tremendously tonight

LoveMeNow

Last year, I finally woke up to the fact my husband was an addict (pills) and what that meant. I remember crying in bed and praying this was all a bad nightmare too.

Since last June, he has been working on his recovery and it has been a long year with many relapses. He was finally doing better when he then broke his arm and needed surgery...playing in NA softball game of all things. His addiction was lit back up.

I still struggle with my own future decisions, a little over a year later. None of this easy. Please don't try to do this alone.

pravchaw

Probably, not a bad idea. Disengage with her and when she calms down (and is not high), suggest to her to get treatment. Her demand for a divorce is emotionally driven. I think you need to control your emotions even though its a very difficult situation. Try to get counselling and attend Nar-anon if you can.

lizwig

Feelinhelpless...something to keep in mind when dealing with addiction... it likes people who will enable it. When we threaten or do something that encroached upon the total control addiction needs it often flares up in an attempt to persuade us we should probably back down. It took me a long time to recognize this with my son. When I switched things up his behavior amped up almost immediately. I expect it now so wouldn't be a bit surprised by it. I think her addiction is asserting itself to you right now. It's calling your bluff. I hope this helps.

Vale

lizwig wrote:

I think her addiction is asserting itself to you right now. It's calling your bluff.

(truer words were never spoken)

feelNhelpless

wow, no doubt the confrontation has ramped up the behavior, hate, discontent, and depression.

I have been reading non-stop for the past few days, both the posts on this forum and various sites concerning drug addiction, and now i guess shopping addiction has to be included, and it has helped me keep my strength/sanity. It has also increased my resolve to help her.....

With that said I think it is time to get professional help for both myself and my family. She is starting to totally check out from everything, and what has me worried is that she is showing signs of neglecting our daughter and her son. I can just see it in her eyes when she looks at our little girl. She is detaching from her. She is a stay at home mother, how can I trust her to be there for our little girl. I have no doubt that she would never intentionally hurt her, but how can I know that she isnt just going to let her run around un supervised while she buries her head in whatever.

I thought about talking to her about both of us going to see an addiction counselor/marriage counselor, but I think at this point she is so deep that she wouldn't even hear it. I am definitely going to go and talk to someone with my daughter and hopefully my stepson this week. I need to figure out how to talk to my 12 yr old step son about the disease that is affecting his mother. Should I try to find a doctor like a psychiatrist or is there a specialist that would be better.

Thank-you all for the helpful responses and support

feelNhelpless

How does everyone deal with the arguing and accusations coming from their addicted loved ones?

I try to ignore and not respond, I just bite my lip because I feel that by responding to the questions I am somehow legitimizing the argument.

But, do I need to change and always correct the lies. Every now and then I will call her out but then that leads to her raising her voice and saying even nastier things.

Should I just walk away, or should I attempt to get through to her.

I would just like to hear how other people deal with it.

Thanks

Needingadvice1

You're doing really well to ignore it. I couldn't help myself most the time. I would argue back & get myself all worked up. There was no point to this. He never relented, the lies continued & I could never get through. I think he lies so much now hes started to believe them. or maybe its easier to make up nasty things about us to take the heat away from them? I also HATE fighting into of the kids. It's no good at all. Holding your tongue is the best option I think.

Actions speak louder than words. Temporary break? Have you involved her family? Your family? Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I tried to 'manage' the situation myself for way too long. So much has happened for me in the last 2 weeks just because I spoke to his brothers, my mum & 2 good friends. Their support (& SR support) has done wonders. Make a plan & act on it when you think you're ready

lizwig

Hi Feelinhelpless...I wish I had some advice for you in dealing with partners...I don't. My son is why I am here. I know others will be along to share their thoughts with you but until then wanted you to know I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. Is it possible for you to take the kids and yourself to a family member's house for a few days...or a hotel? The more her addiction is "outed" the more crazy things are likely to become. Call the police if you need to....for her safety as well as your own. Ugh...it just seems so Damn unfair sometimes.

lizwig

Meant to include you may want to start a new thread with your question as the topic so it doesn't get overlooked. Just a thought. Hang in there.

eveewonder

I'm sorry you are going through this. No doubt about it ... it is heartbreaking, painful, tragic and just the absolute worst. You can go through it and you are not alone. Focus on yourself and your children. You can't change your wife at all. You are powerless and helpless against this disease. She has to want to change and to make the commitment. It can happen and is possible but it is on her. We are all here for you. We have all been touched by this beast.

Natasia

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's about as tough as things get.

A few things said by others that I particularly agree with-
- See a professional, and attend some meetings. Keep reading.
The more information you have, the better.
- It's better to talk to your wife when she's not high (if there is such a time).
- I know that you care for her, and want a future including both her and the kids,
but it's imperative that you remember that the kids need to be protected from
what she's doing to herself, to the greatest extent legally possible, and that you
deserve the same protection. That's almost undoubtedly going to mean getting
the kids into therapy, and, if your wife can't or won't change, getting them out
of the situation.

I say this as someone who grew up with a severely mentally ill mother. She wouldn't seek treatment, and my father couldn't bring himself to force the issue. In those days, it was basically unheard-of for a father to get custody of children in a divorce; he didn't divorce her. As a result, I grew up knowing only chaos and upsets. If things don't change in your home, this may seriously affect the kids for many years.

Obviously, I'm not a professional. Take what I say with a grain of salt. But do, please, give it some thought. My heart is with you all, and I wish you the best.

pacificsunrise

feelNhelpless,

welcome to SR and sorry to hear about your situation. just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. reach out and get help for yourself and your daughter and stepson. your wife can help herself, but only if she chooses to.

it is up to you to be the responsible adult and provide your children with adequate care and environment to grow in. sorry, don't mean to sound so scientific. what I am trying to say, though, is the fact that addicts are not capable of being responsible parents. whether they mean to or not is irrelevant, but safety of your kids comes first. not sure how old your daughter is, but as a mother of 3 little kids, I would not leave them in the care of an active addict. a person under influence is often unpredictable, at best.

I know that you are going thru a lot and don't need any additional burdens. i apologize if i sound uncaring towards your wife. i do care. however, she is an adult and your kids are not. they count on you to keep them safe and make sound decisions for them.

stay strong and take care of yourself. hugs and hope to you and your family.

lilyB2013

This was one of the hardest things for me to face and understand. I absolutely know how you feel- you know they're high, and they throw every excuse at the wall to see if it sticks- including you and your sanity and feelings.

To be honest this portion took the most patience and the most inner peace of the entire ordeal with my AXBF. I learned by going to CODA meetings that the only person I can control is myself- and if I truly believe I am a good person, then I am. Didn't matter what the AXBF screamed at me, I could control how I internalized it and how I reacted.

I wish I could say it was easy- standing there as I was called every horrific name under the sun and being pressured to feel worthless was terrible. But finding inner balance, letting go, and believing that you will make the best decisions for you and your children will go a long way.

Keep coming back- we are all here for you.