OneNightAWeek

I was looking for some thoughts on enabling. I was watching a Dr Phil show this week and it had a lot about enabling on there. I then looked some at his website. His show was about parents who were enabling their twentysomething daughter by giving her money, a car, and things like this.

I am a wife. My husband makes his own money, has his own car and I dont enable him like this at all. But I learned from Dr Phil that you can enable by staying silent and not speaking up when the persons drug use affects you. My husbands use has affected me, it is affecting our relationship. I have spoke up but it has been at the wrong times like when he was high or coming down.

I was wondering if others could share things that are enabling behaviors that maybe I have not yet learned about. Im not covering for him, he hasnt ever been in trouble, it is still very much only between us. I havent told anyone like family or friends, but is that enabling? They dont have reason to know unless I need to tell them and dont only to protect him? Trying to learn. Thank you.

feelNhelpless

Hi ONAW, this is my first post here and i am in the first stages of the next step that you are talking about..

My wife is addicted to pills, and it is starting to come to a head. I have started to confront here about her addiction and it is not going over well. She kicked me out of the house the other night. I had enough of the fighting, and it was doing no good because she was constantly on pills. in the last two days she has been on such a binge that she ended up emptying our bank account to the tune of around 2500.00.

She is so mad at me for, her words "putting her business out there for everyone". I took my 2 yr old daughter to my dad's house to get away. When she found out she said some of the most awful things to me. I want to be there for her to help but at this point she is going to do what she wants. I am the devil incarnate in her eyes and she is rationalizing her using by saying I have forced her.

Getting back to your question, I feel that the only thing that will put his use in the light is to tell the family, but that creates resentment and is a Pandoras box.
I don't know if I will recover what I was once with my wife but the fact the everyone knows is comforting to me in a way.

pravchaw

I believe enabling is covering for them or taking over their responsibilities or rescuing them from the full consequences of their behaviour and addiction. I myself am slowly learning this lesson. I have now lived with the knowledge of my son's addiction for nearly 3 years. It is only in the last few months did I finally start to get it.

sojourner

Hi ONAW: Welcome to SR!

You ask some good questions. So it looks like you recognize that you are not enabling in the way Dr. Phil brings up, but you are wondering if you are in some other ways.

I'm no longer married to someone using substances. In fact, I am no longer married. So I'm afraid I would not be able to offer much. You have already realized that timing is important. I think I read somewhere that addiction is a 3-part circle. One part is being high, the next part is immediately afterward which has the self-shame, self-promises, regrets, etc. The next part is preparing to get high (agitation with the world, arrogance, victim mentality, etc.) So maybe you could just step back and watch your husband in those phases, and then maybe in that you could see the best timing to start a conversation about your concerns.

But living with a substance abusers, addicts, etc., is too much for most of us. We become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. So I would definitely advise you to start going to Al-Anon meetings for the ongoing support you need. Starting to bring your concerns up to your husband in a mature and non-enabling way is in itself going to cause stress in your marriage, so going to meetings is going to help you in that regard. And also come back here. There's lots of ESH here.

Good luck! God bless! God is good and loves each and every little one of us including you and your husband!

tjp613

The quick and dirty definition of enabling is doing something for another that they are capable of doing for themselves. (Conversely, "helping" is doing something for another that they are incapable of doing for themselves.)

So, if you aren't lying and covering for him or paying his bills then how else might you be enabling him?
- By allowing illegal drugs in your home
- By allowing him to be in your home while he's high on drugs
- By assuming financial risk
- By sitting in silence when you are in pain because of his drug use
- By staying when you really want to leave
- By declining social invitations or vacations because you are afraid of what might happen if he gets high

....I think you get the idea. This is not to say that you simply should be "bitching" at him more often (LOL). You only need to look at your own boundaries and value system and see where you are compromising them in order to protect his addiction. Does that help?

One perspective that has helped me is to ask myself this question: "If this person was anyone but my child/sibling/spouse, would I allow the behavior in my life?"

atalose

Doing something for another that they should do themselves.

Making excuses for the individual’s behavior ,covering up to hide what is really going on.

Calling them in sick to work when they are just hung over.

Ignoring behaviors that should have repercussions.

Accepting the unacceptable.

These are just a few…………

BunnyNest

Yes, exactly. Living or loving someone with an addiction can slowly eat away at our normal boundries. We start to accept things that we would never have accepted prior to this relationship.

I am still shocked at what I accepted. I was so caught up in reacting, that I didn't even see it.

OneNightAWeek

thank you to everyone who has replied so far. I wont reply to each of you individually but it is helping me to figure out what I need to work on. I have a another post that tells more of what is going on, but I wanted to pull out this question and hoped for more replies. again thank you.

His pattern is that he is wonderful excpet on Friday nights for about 2 months now he goes out after work with friends from work. They go to the bar, he drinks some but he is not drunk and thats not the problem. He gets high on cocaine. I could even deal with that beause he comes home and is alright. He is happy, and upbeat and romantic and we then go out to dinner and its all ok. But he gets enough drugs that he keeps takign them on Saturday and by night he is changed. He is agressive, not nice to be around usually.

This is where I am enabling him I think. Im putting up with his behavior. I am having sex wiwth him when i dont want to because he is manipulating me and saying things like he thinks Im cheating on him because I dont want him, or he will go out and pay for what he wants, or find someone else. I let him do all this. I allow myself to begin getting anxiou on Thursdays. I ignore that he is home on Saturday, and while he is working at home he is also getting high, I dont see it but he is. On Sunday then he crashes all day and feels bad. I put up with this. I isolate on Sundays, feel sorry for myself, cry, stop going out or having people over. Its things like this I am enabling him with, and I talk to him but its mostly been when he is high, or coming down and sick like. This week I talked to him on Wednesday and feel like he understood. He said he wont bring drugs home tonight. My stomach is in knots already. I didnt give him any ultimatums just a please and here is why. and he agreed but still denys that its as bad as I say. I told someone else, Im learning now and this question helps me understand more and look at patterns.

He works, and makes money. We own our home together, he has his own car. He never misses work, he only uses when he has this downtime and its only me and him. Im not enabling in anything like this. Its only by putting up with his behavior. I have to make changes starting with me.

EnglishGarden

I was married to a literature professor who was severely alcoholic and also abusive, and he, too, never missed work (in fact, his students loved his classes and many of them had crushes on him), he owned a lovely well-decorated vintage home when we met, he had a dog and a big fish tank and he kept two cats as well for his preteen daughter who visited on weekends. He dressed beautifully. And every week, he took a 4-hour class in Kung Fu which he'd been a student of for years, all through the alcoholism.

I married him not knowing he could not control his drinking (had we dated for at least a year, I would have figured it out, I think, but it was--as are many relationships with alcoholics--a whirlwind romance). We looked like we were happy and healthy, to the outside world.

But he drank and drank hard, at least one night a week, and when he did, he became darker than dark, he was mean, he always teetered on the edge of domestic violence. The only upside to his loss of control over alcohol is that he always drank until he passed out, and then, thank God, he was silenced. No longer roaming the house like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining."

If I had known that this would happen exactly the same night of every week, exactly and predictably, and had I thought I would have to stay in the home and wait for it and endure it, I believe I would have had a breakdown from the dread and the build-up of intolerable fear. But his drinking episodes were random. I did not have to watch the sand fall through the hourglass.

Please let us know how you are doing as you deal with your situation. And for your information, the hotline for domestic violence is 800-799-SAFE.

If, when, he starts craving, he will start an argument with you. He will blow up and either he or you will end up leaving the house. Getting you gone: that will be his agenda. Alcoholics, all addicts, do this when someone is standing between them and the drug. Whatever the argument is about, whatever he says about you--and it will be critical and probably shocking--is part of his agenda.

This may not happen. If he's not an addict, he will walk away from the cocaine because his wife has told him that using it makes him aggressive and unreachable.

But if he is a coke addict, this is the way it will be.

So have a plan, if it goes down that way.

LoveMeNow

So true. I just experienced it. My husband was a few months clean and working a program. Suddenly, it was like a light switch went on. He was careful not to be verbally abusive but his attitude changed. He apologized, talked his sponsor, made amends etc. only for it to happen again. I then asked him to leave because I refuse to be his scapegoat. If he wanted to use, I wasn't going to stand in his way. Go do what you want and I mean it.

I assume he did because he picked up a new white key chain, is doubling up on meetings and meeting with his sponsor often. Although, he has not had to go though withdrawals, he has reset the clock.

tjp613

FYI, this is the very definition of emotional abuse...in case you don't recognize it. This is a red flag and, of course, it often leads to other types of abuse. English Garden is right to provide the hotline number to you.

OneNightAWeek

Ive been thinking about what you wrote. The thought of telling either set of parents scares me to death. It would open up something awful for all of us, but it may come to that. I can understand why it would be comforting, because I feel like Im keeping a secret sometimes from my family. thank you

OneNightAWeek

English garden, Tjp, Lovemenow Thank all of you for what you wrote. I wanted to let you know that things seem better today but not perfect. He went out like usual after work and he came home after getting high. He gave me a little hard time about how he only bought half as much and would only use a tiny bit this morning so he wouldnt be beat down. Last night was fine. Today I think he did use like he said. He is not gettin worse like he usually does as the day goes on and I think he did not buy as much. But he still used today and I thought he wouldnt and I dont know what that means, but I dotn understand still about the way the ups and dows fully work with the amount he takes. Not making excuses for him. Today has been ok. He has been talking about how he wishes he would have just let the contractors finish some of these jobs for our new house, and I told him I thought it was a good idea. He called to talk with them about what he wants done and maybe will get that ball rolling. He suggested we go out and do something I wanted today and its been a good day. I dont know if it means anything really, but at least it gives me a break and I can think maybe and not go through the same routine this weekend.
I feel scared though because I think this is bigger than what I am seeing right now and I dont think he is even aware. I hope he makes it through the whole weekend now. He did tell me that he didnt want to have any leftover from what he brought home friday because he might be tempted to use it during the week and he seemed to know that was a bad idea. I dont know.

I also havent told any of my friends about this. One knows we have had some mild problems but thinks its only an adjustment phase. Maybe it is, feel like I dont know much right now. Hope all of you have a good weekend. I appreciate your help.