focusonme

Hi. First post and will try to keep it brief. AH and I married 2 years. Young child. Discovered cannibis addiction and was aware of gambling addiction in past. AH is now apparently 1 year clean, he has never apologised and our marriage has fallen apart. I've been excommunicated and get treated like crap at the house. We attended counselling but he managed to make me angry enough to give up on it and then blame me for quitting. We are under the one roof but living seperately. It is not ideal but he won't move out and I am very reluctant to walk away from my home which I had long before I had him. He shows very controlling behaviour but is able to manipulate and twist everything to blame me.

He is blaming me and saying its not all addiction that is the problem in our marriage but won't give his opinion on what else is causing difficulty. Yesterday, I lost the head for the first time in a long time, as we usually don't speak unless it relates to our child, and he said in the middle of it that I should feel lucky as what I went through was nothing compared to what others went through. I am so angry and hurt. He doesn't have a clue what he has and continues to put me through, minimizes the damage done and won't share any information other than its not all addiction.

Is not being able to say sorry still him in recovery? Is this as good as it gets? Is this dry drunk syndrome or still early recovery? Ah

treadingwater

I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like your husband is still in denial and has a whole lot of pride, which continues to further deteriorate your marriage.
Hang in there and don't let his head games get to you....this is just another form of manipulation!!! It is so hard dealing with an addict whether it's your husband or your son.

gfwhoneverknew

Hi...my bf was addicted to oxys etc...he never stops saying I'm sorry for everything so I'm not sure why he doesn't acknowledge what he's put u through?? Has he ever? Does he never apologize about anything in general? I'm sry ur living that way....u said it though...u had the house long b4 him so that says u are independant and that's awesome! U don't deserve to be treated badly by ANYONE EVER!!! Esp... a bf or husband!!

Katiekate

You may also be dealing with a personality disorder.

Needingadvice1

My addict dealt with these same issues, gambling/cannabis, initially & behaved the same as yours. I would react to his seemingly lack of remorse yelling, 'aren't you sorry, when will you admit you have a problem, etc', needless to say it didn't work & I regret those moments as they were pointless & exhausting. He knew it was wrong but couldnt control it. Life continued. Happy when he had no money then arguing when we did. When he had money & didn't gamble, it was tense at home. It was like he felt I should be grateful to him that he was not busting it all on the horse track & I believe he somehow resented me for it. After all I was getting in the way if his addiction & called nagging, controlling, etc. Perhaps your addict shows similar traits. Until he seeks help this is unlikely to change. Going cold turkey does not work. Did you know gambling usually comes hand in hand with a secondary drinking/drug abuse problems to overcome their guilt?

So what do YOU do. The best suggestion I can offer is something big has to change. You move out temporarily on a break, he does or, if not possible, try disassociate yourself from the situation & work on yourself. He needs to get help. If he doesn't, can you continue to live this way?

focusonme

Thanks for the replies. I don't believe my AH has bottomed out but stopped taking drugs when last year when I discovered his usage. He has attended and continues to attend counselling and also attends GA and NA. He talks the talk and comes across very "reasonable" to the outside world but he doesn't walk the walk. I had reason to apply for a protection order in the past and he managed to convince the judge that I was very difficult and talked about all the boxes he has ticked and the judge didn't grant the order.

I have stopped even trying to comminucate with him as he just makes me angry and then I torture myself with my disappointment of behaving insanely. He just laughs at me and tells me its not all addiction but won't explain which is probably just a deflection. He came home once in the past and got down on his knees begging me to forgive him but other than that there has never been any apology. I attended a few of his counselling sessions at his request and on the way home once he asked what living with him was like. He was going straight to work so I said we could discuss it when we had more time in the evening but it hasn't been mentioned since.

He only communicates now via text, partly for record purposes and fear of conflict/challenge and seeing my anger/hurt/sadness. When he does have an odd moment of clarity and asks something I suggest we sit and talk but it never transpires.

He is holding down a full time job and attends his meetings. He never replaced his addiction with anything. He has shut me out completely but yet won't leave. I can see now that all the circumstances of how we got to where we are today is through my sayso as he doesn't take responsibility for anything and I enabled this monster to continue and his response is always "but you said quoting me word for word" and the likes. He is super cunning.

I've repeately told him the marriage is over and I want him to move out and get a reply of "yeah, nothing new there or yeah, I know" and that is all that is offered.

I've sent letter from lawyer regarding seperation and he hasn't even replied to that. I've asked lawyer to send a follow up now but I'm not holding out hope. I don't know what to do with the situation.

In the meantime, I'm trying not to focus on him (hence my name) and attend weekly alanon meetings (no naranon or gamanon locally), attend counselling, have a sponsor, read, read and read on addiction and codependency. I've made huge changes to my life over the last year and am so grateful to have found recovery for myself but its hard to keep going.

Sorry for long post, i'm lost.