Donttrusthim

I found out my husband did coke 10 years ago after our first daughter was 3yrs old. And after begging me to stay and promising that he'd never do it again, I trusted him. Since that time, I have had another child (oldest 13 and youngest 7) with him and thought life was good. He's a good dad, good provider, and makes me feel like he loves me. With the exception of his periodic outings with the guys to watch a sporting event, I thought we were in a good solid place. However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that he confessed to Doing cocaine for the past two years. When I later went thru phone records and got his friends to spill their guts, he's probably been doing it for the past 8 years. I feel like he had totally lived a double life. It sickens me to know that my husband knows how to contact a drug dealer, knows the going rate for a certain amount of coke, etc.. Makes me feel like he is a total loser.

I feel devastated. I have told him that I want a divorce but once again has started the begging routine, he has gone to my family and told everyone he has messed up and is begging for me to give him a chance. He has made appts to marriage counselors, and has begged me to go with him. I just don't know if I can do this again only to know I will be hurt again down the road. I just don't understand why he would want I do drugs. I work hard for my family and know i dont need vices to cope with the daily stresses. It doesn't make any sense. The counselor thinks he's bipolar. I have banned him from all of his friends, made him change his cell phone number, made him get off of Facebook, but with all of this, I continue to want to blame everyone else except him because if I truly place 100%of the blame on him--I don't think I will want Him. I honestly think me and my kids (7 and 13) will be fine by ourselves should we proceed with the divorce, but i feel he will be a mess and I will have to continue picking up his pieces for my kids sake. I feel like I wouldn't even want them to visit him unsupervised without random drug test. I just don't trust him.

OneNightAWeek

I only joined here a few days ago. My husband is using cocaine also. I wish he was at the place your husband is at; at least he recognizes there is a problem. Mine does not. Ive always felt like if you admit the problem then you can fix it. Maybe your marriage cannot be fixed after all the years of lies, but hopefully your husband can be.

Donttrusthim

I told him just the other day that no matter what happens, I just wanted him to get healthy for himself and our girls.

He knows all the right things to say, but i can't trust that he is truly sincere. I feel betrayed and that I'm losing myself respect.

FenwayFaithful

You don't trust him and you should no trust him because he cannot be trusted. No one in active addiction can be trusted. Hell even in sobriety especially at first you continue to lie because you are so damn used to it. And there are often stil things you want to hide
Cocaine is incredibly expensive, I assume since he is your hudband he has acsess to your finances? Even if this is not the case he is spending money on something and a lot of it, that could be used for your kids college fund or to pay rent or to do any other number of things that are a far better and vital use of money.
He's put you and your children at risk by doing drugs and assosiating with drug dealers and he's led to you for what seems like the majoirty of your marriage. I don't know how you could be expected to trsut him.
As for all the restrictions you've placed him on...well I hate to tell you this, but it won't stop him from getting high if he really wants to do so. He will find a way without facebook and with his new numbers, he's done is so far despite the risk it carries, so he won't quit now unless he is truly commited to doing so. I have been on both sides, with my EX ABF now in jail and I am an addict myself, so I kind of have a unique perspective.
Being with an addict is hell. Trust is impossible. You can't contrl him. Plain and simple. No matter how much you theratan and restrict and yell, he will use until he decides to get clean. And he needs to get clean becuae he wants to, not because you tell him to, because the only way to overcome addiction is to truly want to becuase it requires a great deal of effort.
You also said you are afraid of what this might do to him if you leave. Well you didn't do this. He did it to himself and now he doesnt want to face the consequences of lying for years. So you are not doing this to him. You do not have a reason to feel guilty and it is not your job to pick up the pieces. I know having kids complicates the hell out of it but kids or no kids he is an adult man and he needs to be the one to take responsiblity and pick himself up. By helping him out of the hole hes dug himself into you will enable him and you will suffer and you should not have to suffer.
So think about you and your kids, you sound like you know whats best. Take some time apart, decide what you want to do and let him straighten himself out, and get his own s*** together because if there is hope for you work things out hes going to have to be sober and clean and able to give you and your kids what they deserve.

FenwayFaithful

Addicts ALWAYS know the right thing to say. And we want to mean it, most of the time we have the best intentions but the road to hell is paved with the best intentions this does not ring more true than it does for an addict. INTENT is one things, ACTIION is a completely different thing. An addict wil say anything to get what he or she wants...you should have heard some of the things my ex goto be to believe, there could have been giant pink elephant right in front of my eyes and he would convince me it wasn't there. Master manipulators. Dont let it fool you. If you he was going to truly change and was truly thinking of you and your daughters then he would not have been using in the first place but thats the problem with drugs, no matter how much love youre surrounded by and important responsibilities there are, the drug becomes the thing that matters more then anything and there in lies the hell of being with an addict

CharlieNoogan

Hmmm... This is the best way to ensure he continues using.

I sense quite a bit of codependence and controlling behavior. You should look into Al-Anon or Nar-Anon to begin your own recovery.

KKE

Did you suspect he'd been using drugs before he confessed? Does he use daily and did he confess to you as a cry for help because he thinks he has a problem or because you caught him out?

zoso77

I see you're new to us. Welcome to the Board.

This is a loaded paragraph, and whether you realize it or not, you're already in a codependent spiral with him. If you think banning him from seeing his friends or making him change his number will bring about the change you'd like to see, it doesn't work that way. He's been doing drugs right under your nose for 8 years. The only way you can stop him from seeing people you don't want him to see is if you trail him 24/7, at which point your marriage ceases to be a marriage.

We're not marriage counselors here, and it's not our place to tell you what you should do regarding your marriage. But our collective experience here is a resource you should pay attention to. So, right now your kids need to be your top priority, and based on that, you need to make what you feel are the most appropriate decisions that are best for them.

You can't fix your husband. No one can but him. The best rule of thumb right now is to assume if his lips are moving, he's lying. And based on that, do what you need to do.

Best,
ZoSo

Donttrusthim

Thanks everyone for the all the advice. this is extremely helpful. We have been in 5 counseling sessions in the last 15 days and the therapist doesnt think that he needs to be in substance abuse counceling at this time (which is weird to me). He said that unless my husband has urges or is struggling because he is really looking forward to doing it and is not, then he thinks he is dealing with more of an impulse/boredom/rush with taking risks, etc... issue. He also thinks he is bipolar and needs to be on meds; and is recommending him to see a phychiatrist. I just dont know enough about drugs to determine what really makes up an addict and if our therapist is full of crap.

I do know that my husband is a tight wad and spending money is not something he normally does. We have a joint account and both of our checks go into the accounts via direct deposit. I usually manage all of the bills, acounts, etc.... I have only found small amounts of money withdrawn from our account like (40 - 60 dollars a month) where he has done cash withdrawals. I dont even know how much this would buy????

He confessed to this after I discovered that he was religiously calling two different indviduals on a regular basis during football game/basketball game viewing sessions at sportsbars. When I told him that I knew something and wanted to hear it from him, he confessed to doing it for 1 1/2 years. He told me that he would give me my answers if I promised to try to work on our relationship because he really wanted to come clean and change. Then I called his other friend and he sang like a lark and told me that he had been doing it off and on for the last 8 years. Needless to say, my husband was very angry with his friend because he felt that he had already told me that he had an issue and he knew that I would have a harder time working with him if he thought I had been using for almost the entire time of our marriage.

You r right regarding co-dependency..... during our last counseling session, my husband told the counselor like he felt that I was like his big sister who was there to take care of him. This made me angry because I told him that he is the man and he needs to take care of me. This whole thing is just twisted. I feel like my husband is a good guy... and would like to beleive that he really wants to get healthy. So, I am trying to work on things with him. But, as I told our therapist, I am very concerned that even if he cleans up for the next year or two. My fear is that he will go back and begin to search his friends out or dealers or whatever... and will do it again. And then I will feel like I have been jerked around again.

Here is my main struggle. I wish he would just tell me that he wants to continue his lifestyle so that I can move on and be done with this. I told him I can make MYSELF and DAUGHTERS happy if I have my thumb on him and keep him on the straight and narrow or I can let it go and wait for him to mess up again and then I have wasted more years in thinking life was great only to find out that he will always be a mess. NOTE: I truly dont want to have my thumb on him and monitor every move he makes only to make our family work. I want him to make his own decisions and I want them to be GOOD decisions. He keeps saying that he wants to change and that he is ready to stop hanging around with the crowd that makes getting cocaine easy. When he said this. I asked why I feel that this time is differnet from the last time. He said the last time, he wasnt ready to give up his friends. He said this time, he knows that these people really are not his friends and is ready to stop hanging around with them.

This is so confusing... because while I do think everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, part of me is hoping that he does want to clean up his act. I just dont know.

Donttrusthim

Also, I told our therapist yesterday and that I know it sounds twisted and crazy, but I am blaming his friends, dealers, sportsbars, etc... instead of blaming him. (again I know this sounds crazy).... But, I know deep down inside, if I blame him 100%, I will convince myself to leave him asap.

The counselor said that for us, this may not be a bad approach to be used on a temporary basis. He compared it to me having almost a Post Tramautic Syndrom Disorder and these can be triggers to set me off. Then later on as I begin to get passed this and begin to dissassociate these things and eventually understand that my husband was 100% to blame.

cynical one

Responsible = YES
Blame = NO

Peacegirl

Hi There-
I don't post often but am on here everyday reading. However, what your therapist told you really struck me and I wanted to let you know my experience. My husband was diagnosed with BP over 10 years ago...was on meds off and on the whole time. They never worked. Only recently when he sought recovery and actually saw a thereapist who specializes in substance abuse were we told that an active addict can NOT be diagnosed. Rule of thumb is that he would have to be sober for a number of months up to a year and re-evaluated. This makes perfect sense if you think about it considering all the behaviors that addicts and people with BP display that are very similiar. He will still display some of these behaviors if he goes into recovery for a while. My RAH hs been clean for 7 months now and I am already seeing some of these behaviors start to lift. Nowhere near gone but big difference.
We sought marriage counseling as well a few years ago and it really did nothing cause he was still using. He should get in a program first before trying to work on the two of you. Check out Alanon for yourself also and this site is great.

Donttrusthim

I was reading through a majority of your blogs and I am having a hard time associating myself with wanting to "stand by my man" or wanting to make "excuses for his behavior".

But, I guess my trouble probably starts from not understanding what an addict really is. Or when a person does drugs, when do they become an addict or if they use drugs period, are they an addict? I know when i was in high school, i smoked pot with my friends at parties and not because I liked it, just something that everyone made me feel like I needed to do to fit in. I also tried cocaine and Acid occassionally as well. In my twenties when i started my career, I knew that I didnt want to do any drugs. For one, because I didnt really like it and 2) I didnt want to jeopardize my career. (And I dont think I would have classifed myself as an addict)

I know that my husband used to enjoy smoking a joint when he was a teenager. If he enjoys the feeling but I dont allow my husband to smoke pot now as an adult, does this make me a controlling person and suffer from codependency? I guess you could swap out the same example with watching porn? I am sure he would enjoy it, but if I dont want him to watch it, does that make me a codependent controlling person.

So, what is an addict? is Doing drugs when your with you friends on occassion and addict? or does it just mean that you think you are still a kid and dont have to be responsible. Is there any information on this?

I think i am confused.

cynical one

Doesn't matter.

We get so stuck on labels. Addict, substance abuser, alcoholic, drunk, junkie, boozer, crackhead, codependent, enabler, codie, etc.

Doesn't matter.

Using drugs, not using, controlling, supporting.

Doesn't matter.

What matters is: I accepted unacceptable behavior and my behavior became unacceptable.

Since I can't and don't want to control someone else's behavior, all I can do is control my own behavior by taking full responsibility and continuing to do the work on me. We are never going to find the answers looking at someone else. We are never going to be happy or content based on what someone else does/doesn't do.
Addiction is what brings us here, but I guarantee with 100% certainty that every single one of us will lose that fight. Why? Because we can't win what isn't ours to fight.

The use of drugs is not the problem, never was. We are our own problem with how we deal with it, how we behave, what we allow, what power we give it and what power we give to others. Until we heal the person staring back at us in the mirror...it doesn't matter.

allforcnm

The first thing I see from your post is “ I don’t trust him”. To me right now that looks like the biggest issue. I will share a bit based on my own experiences as I see some similarities. My husband got started on prescription pain meds through his doctor after an injury. When the doctor & I thought he was being weaned off, this is when my husband up and found a source through people at his office. So I can relate to the feelings you have about “blaming the friends”. It was clearly my husbands decision to get drugs from these people, and begin friendships with them. However in my husbands case & I believe this still… he most likely would have weaned himself off the prescription IF he had not had such easy access to more drugs, right there are work with guys who made it look so normal to him. I am 100% certain my husband at that time would not have taken to the street to look for drugs. As part of his recovery, he had to remove himself from these people. He actually asked for a transfer at work to be away from them. They were the only drug users in his life.

So your husband is on the right track with what he is saying on this. Removing his drug using friends is very important, and it has to be something he is ready to do. If he is doing this, then it is not just words – he is putting action behind the words & that really is all he can do at this point. His willingness to do marriage counseling is also putting action behind his words.

From reading your post it is hard to decipher if your husband is truly addicted. Obviously we cant diagnose here anyway. But generally an addict will often need their drug to function, they will use their drug despite negative consequences happening. The use of the drug becomes engrained in their lives and takes priority. This is often when addicts lie. To protect the drug use, to hide it, to avoid conflict with family or friends. They often feel ashamed that they use, and knowing there is such stigma attached to using, many don’t reach out for help thinking they can stop on their own – allowing them to hide the problem, and unfortunately, many then progress and sink lower into addiction where they cannot get out due to continuous physiological and emotional changes that keep happening. (See the stickys at the top of the forum from National Institute of Drug Abuse for lots of info on this).

My husband knew he was addicted when he tried to stop and could not. His body was physically addicted, and he had created many emotional ties to the drug use. He asked for help, and then he went into a rehab based on private therapy. After that he came home and continued to work with a therapist. These sessions are now his only source of treatment, other than the positive changes he has made in his life.

What I wanted to share however, was that when he was in rehab – they had us start marriage counseling at about 6 weeks. I think it was the greatest blessing to both of us. We continued it for almost a year and are now in a good place again. My husband said that marriage counseling allowed him to open up, and deal with many aspects of his addiction, things that happened while he was addicted. For my husband, the only real consequence of his addiction (apart from shattering his perception of self) was what happened between us. The erosion of our marriage, and this definitely included trust issues. For me it was also a very good experience. I actually agree with your therapist on this situation being close to someone who suffers from PTSD. It is something that my therapist also felt occurs. Right now it sounds like you are in shock, and are questioning the foundations of your marriage, there is no solid bottom, no safe place because it all feels unstable and like it maybe was a lie. You cant trust him & never will be able to again. I felt a lot of these same feelings. I cant say if you will be able to work it out as there are many factors. But, in time I have learned to trust my husband again. It happens slowly, over time. I think the human mind can only process so much at at time. We can only feel and sort of so much at a time. So it takes a commitment. To do this however, you have to begin building on a solid foundation again. You cant move forward thinking that you have to keep your finger on him to know he is in line. In the beginning, I think there might need to be some agreed upon transparency in the relationship ( something to discuss with the therapist maybe) and then in time trust will come as long as he is dedicated to changing his life, and not going back to using, and his old patterns of behavior. (I laughed a bit when you said he told the therapist you were acting like his sister monitoring him, because that is what can happen; the role of spouse falls away, and you don’t want that. If your going to try to make it work, really think about it happening in a way that is healthy for both of you in the long term).

You said the therapist did not feel your husband needs individual counseling. If he is being honest with the therapist about his situation this may be true. My husband did have individual treatment and part of that was CBT – Cognitive behavioral Therapy which is often used for treatment of cocaine addiction to help people deal with the cravings, and patterns of thought. It is always an option for your husband if he continues to have ongoing issues. \I also did individual sessions and found it helpful. It went along well with the marriage counseling sessions because we would talk together in these, and then often I would take away some bit that came from this, and could analyze my part with the help of my therapist. I grew much stronger as person using both these resources.

One of the most important things to remember is you don’t have to have all the answers today. All of your feelings are important, allow yourself to feel them and go through what will probably be various stages of emotion: anger, sadness, fear, confusion, and then maybe anger again, and ultimately hopefully HOPE that is based on the positive change you see happening.