First Post - sad wife
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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First Post - sad wife
Hello. I posted on Newcomer and they said to maybe post here also. This is my first post as I found your site today. I've been reading here and makes me feel like it might help me to reach out to others. Will try to keep it simple but please ask questions if I don't say enough. I'm going to change a few details for privacy also. I'm married to my best friend. We have been together 3 years. Married for only 5 months now. I love him, we have a good life, he works very hard, the one hiccup is that every week like clockwork on Friday he will come home after going to the bar with friends. The drinking isnt seeming out of control, but he comes home high on cocaine. He buys it for the weekend and uses Friday night and Saturday. Then he comes down on Sunday and is ready for work on Monday. Friday he comes home and is upbeat, always excited to take me out to dinner and he gets very romantic. It's usually a good night except part of me questions if it's real. Saturday he will use during the day, and by Saturday night he has changed. He becomes aggressive, sexually charged up, and sometimes mean to me. It's the opposite of Friday and I always feel like I'm some object to him, to just take what he wants. I've told him my feelings over and over while he is high, and all he does is threaten to leave and go find another object, or asks if I want him to buy someones affections instead of giving it to me. How I dont love him, begins to say he thinks Im cheating on him and thats why I try to push him away. I think he means all of it too when he says it. A few times he has left and I know he has ended up at a local bar. I could t stand it and would go there after him. Now it's all routine and I've quit arguing. By Sunday he is in a tired, bad mood and if I try to talk to him, he never seems to recognize anything I say is a problem. He feels I overreact, says he needs to let off frustration from his tough work week, he loves me and needs me, and is sorry if he makes me feel unloved, but that I need to loosen up. he will quietly stay in the house all day. I dont think I can live like this much longer. Sometimes I want him to cheat on me so I have a reason to leave him, and then I hate myself for thinking this. He is a good man, and kind to me, generous, all through the week he is everything wonderful, but it's like he turns into someone else one day a week. I now feel anxious when the weekend comes. I want him to realize he has a problem and see what is happening. Please if anyone can help tell me how to get through to him.
I had been reading some on relationship sites, and The other day I watched a Dr Phil show. I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet.
I've read on cocaine and I know it is responsible for making him like this. I wonder how it can change him this much, because there must be some part of him that is open to it, or maybe the drug is that powerful, dont know if it matters. I also dont know if he is addicted, but i know he has a problem for sure. thoughts all appreciated.
I had been reading some on relationship sites, and The other day I watched a Dr Phil show. I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet.
I've read on cocaine and I know it is responsible for making him like this. I wonder how it can change him this much, because there must be some part of him that is open to it, or maybe the drug is that powerful, dont know if it matters. I also dont know if he is addicted, but i know he has a problem for sure. thoughts all appreciated.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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OneNightAWeek - welcome to SR, sorry you had to come here. This site has helped me a whole lot when I first left my AH w/ 2 young kids and pregnant w/ our third. Your story hit me b/c that is how my AH was and probably still is. He would be pretty much wonderful the whole week and in general. Fridays were the best. it was almost as if he was working to earn a prize - a prize being that he gets to "hang out" on the weekend. Cocaine was also his drug of choice (as far as I know). I ended up feeling like myself and the kids were the chores. the chores to be completed, so someone can enjoy themselves afterwards. Except that I didn't like being "a chore"; I wanted to be the enjoyment and it never happened for me. not really sure where my story is going, just merely wanted to welcome you and let you know that a lot of people here understand.
I, too, was a sad wife when I left (over 2 yrs ago), but now at times I appreciate the fact that I have had the strength to do what needed to be done. I still have many struggles ahead of me and a lot of work to do, but now I at least try to invest my time in myself and my amazing kids, instead of wasting it on someone who will never make me his number one priority.
stay strong. hugs and hope to you. keep posting and reading; it does get easier.
I, too, was a sad wife when I left (over 2 yrs ago), but now at times I appreciate the fact that I have had the strength to do what needed to be done. I still have many struggles ahead of me and a lot of work to do, but now I at least try to invest my time in myself and my amazing kids, instead of wasting it on someone who will never make me his number one priority.
stay strong. hugs and hope to you. keep posting and reading; it does get easier.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thank you for sharing your story, YES that is how my husband is also. He is wonderful all week, I mean it is good. And even Friday despite knowing he is high, he is wonderful and sweet and makes me feel so special. But then the drugs pass a certain point and he turns into someone who I dont like. It is only hours that he is like this. But it stabs me in the heart every week. It hurts so bad to see him like this, to feel what happens between us. And then he slowly comes out of it, and my husband returns. But he cant see how much it hurts me, scares me. He thinks it is all nothing. Thank you for sharing that you had the courage to leave and take your kids and are doing alright now. I dont know what I want yet, still have hope I guess, maybepart of it is my not being strong enough. I am going to work on this part and maybe it will help me see more clearly what I want.
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Welcome! I'm sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.
Dealing with addiction is incredibly challenging - Glad you are realizing the impact it is having on you and your self image. Perhaps while you are learning and thinking what would be best for you and rebuilding your self confidence, you could consider getting out of the house when he is acting out in the ways that cause you to feel demeaned. You can't make him stop and he will just try to turn it around on you, but you can choose not to witness his bad behavior.
Keep reading and posting - there are so many here who have similar experiences they can share.
Dealing with addiction is incredibly challenging - Glad you are realizing the impact it is having on you and your self image. Perhaps while you are learning and thinking what would be best for you and rebuilding your self confidence, you could consider getting out of the house when he is acting out in the ways that cause you to feel demeaned. You can't make him stop and he will just try to turn it around on you, but you can choose not to witness his bad behavior.
Keep reading and posting - there are so many here who have similar experiences they can share.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi there , and welcome.
You are very articulate, you know what is going on, and you know how to express it.
Anyone who heard that coming out of your mouth would get it.
Anyone who doesn't is probably doing drugs or recovering from doing them. It's like a cycle. This cycle is a problem, it's making a devoted loving wife miserable. It's breaking down the relationship, he needs to look at it, he won't , until he has to. In the meantime, please, get educated about addiction, look into co dependency.
If you can, get to an alonon meeting, or a counselor, and tell them your story.
You can overcome the side of this that confuses you, and makes you crazy.
So glad you posted, please keep posting.
You are very articulate, you know what is going on, and you know how to express it.
Anyone who heard that coming out of your mouth would get it.
Anyone who doesn't is probably doing drugs or recovering from doing them. It's like a cycle. This cycle is a problem, it's making a devoted loving wife miserable. It's breaking down the relationship, he needs to look at it, he won't , until he has to. In the meantime, please, get educated about addiction, look into co dependency.
If you can, get to an alonon meeting, or a counselor, and tell them your story.
You can overcome the side of this that confuses you, and makes you crazy.
So glad you posted, please keep posting.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 64
OneNightAWeek,
He is accusing you of cheating and getting specific about how he could cheat.
But only makes those comments in the heat of the moment?
He does not have sexual control around you.
And he goes to the bar without you.
And he knows you depend on him.
Sorry, but that sounds very fishy.
Other things sound terrible too.
If we assume he doesn't cheat, he has still broken his vows in the way he treats you.
You don't deserve it at all.
It probably seems different because he is a weekend user, but I'll bet the more experienced posters here (not me) think it requires action.
He is accusing you of cheating and getting specific about how he could cheat.
But only makes those comments in the heat of the moment?
He does not have sexual control around you.
And he goes to the bar without you.
And he knows you depend on him.
Sorry, but that sounds very fishy.
Other things sound terrible too.
If we assume he doesn't cheat, he has still broken his vows in the way he treats you.
You don't deserve it at all.
It probably seems different because he is a weekend user, but I'll bet the more experienced posters here (not me) think it requires action.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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you don't NEED a reason to leave...you can make that DECISION any time. for any reason.
the coke makes that aggressive sexual stuff happen...i'm a former crack addict as is my husband and we did some seriously intense over the top stuff - like there isn't a section in the adult videos for! stuff that he has said there is no way he could do again unless we got an 8 ball.....
his use will start to spill over from the weekends....it probably already has an d you don't know. he may get to the point where snorting is no longer good enough and start smoking it. at which time i would hope you had moved 5 states away. you do NOT wanna mess with a cokehead...as long as he is doing coke, he can not be a fully present partner TO YOU. when he's high and all horned up....said gently...if you weren't there.....he'd likely find someone else.
the coke makes that aggressive sexual stuff happen...i'm a former crack addict as is my husband and we did some seriously intense over the top stuff - like there isn't a section in the adult videos for! stuff that he has said there is no way he could do again unless we got an 8 ball.....
his use will start to spill over from the weekends....it probably already has an d you don't know. he may get to the point where snorting is no longer good enough and start smoking it. at which time i would hope you had moved 5 states away. you do NOT wanna mess with a cokehead...as long as he is doing coke, he can not be a fully present partner TO YOU. when he's high and all horned up....said gently...if you weren't there.....he'd likely find someone else.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Your Saturday night experience is very close to sexual abuse. It is very troubling, the supercharged libido coke is giving him (I have read that coke addicts can perform intercourse for hours and sometimes they do not orgasm, just a constant aggressive compulsive "friction" for hours, and an obvious abusive situation to the woman underneath).
Coke is a psychological addiction and coke addicts do not need to use the way heroin addicts, or severe alcoholics, do in order to prevent physical withdrawal. There is no physical dependence. So, coke addicts can go greater periods of time not using. Then they go on a run for 2-3 days or more. Others here know more about this from experience. But it is important you not be confused that he is not an addict because he is using only on weekends.
If using drugs is messing up his marriage, and he still continues to use in spite of the obvious negative consequences in his home life, then he is an addict, in my opinion.
And it is quite likely he will start adding heroin to the mix, to counter the crash from the coke, as his addiction progresses. This is called "speedballing."
You will not be able to find the right words to make him stop. Words do not stop an addiction. Consequences--terrible ones-- create sober people. Love, support, forgiveness, faithfulness.....do not. If an addict can figure out a way to dominate his partner, keep the money coming in and a place to crash, and continue using drugs up to his eyeballs, he will do it.
My advice is to separate from him and get a counselor. He will not hear you. He does not see you. No matter how great he is Monday through Thursday.
Coke is a psychological addiction and coke addicts do not need to use the way heroin addicts, or severe alcoholics, do in order to prevent physical withdrawal. There is no physical dependence. So, coke addicts can go greater periods of time not using. Then they go on a run for 2-3 days or more. Others here know more about this from experience. But it is important you not be confused that he is not an addict because he is using only on weekends.
If using drugs is messing up his marriage, and he still continues to use in spite of the obvious negative consequences in his home life, then he is an addict, in my opinion.
And it is quite likely he will start adding heroin to the mix, to counter the crash from the coke, as his addiction progresses. This is called "speedballing."
You will not be able to find the right words to make him stop. Words do not stop an addiction. Consequences--terrible ones-- create sober people. Love, support, forgiveness, faithfulness.....do not. If an addict can figure out a way to dominate his partner, keep the money coming in and a place to crash, and continue using drugs up to his eyeballs, he will do it.
My advice is to separate from him and get a counselor. He will not hear you. He does not see you. No matter how great he is Monday through Thursday.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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ONAW, welcome. I had refrained from commenting on your thread because it hit SO MANY triggers of what I experienced with my XA.... He is exactly the same as your husband, cocaine mixed with alcohol is his DOC, he only uses on Fridays and Saturdays (that I knew of - I have no idea if he was scoring other nights of the week), he is very highly functioning (has a house, holds down a steady job to the point of being a workaholic {now I know why he works so much yet always seems to be behind on his bills, because he has a very expensive habit to support}, works out religiously).....and this has been going on for about 25 YEARS. From what I understand, he gets TWO 8 balls every Friday to use BY HIMSELF Friday and Saturday and then he 'crashes' all day Sunday - lays on the couch, sleeps, doesn't eat, depressed, won't answer phone calls/texts, and then is ready for work on Monday.
I also can very much attest to the 'aggressive' sexual behavior exhibited by someone high on coke. As Anvil stated, NOTHING is too crazy, too off-limits, too taboo. And as EG mentioned, our 'sessions' went on for a couple hours (at which point, I was ALWAYS left bruised, battered, sore and (please forgive me for being so graphic) sometimes bleeding. It would take me several days to 'recover' from the soreness/bleeding and a week for the bruises to fade. And YES, they treat you like an OBJECT, and nothing more, during it. We are simply something to be used however they want and strictly for their pleasure. I used to think, "Wow, he really wants me," because most times he would be 'on me' as soon as I walked in the door (and sometimes, he would be waiting behind the door, in the dark, to pounce on me before I even got the door shut - it was...disconcerting....to say the least). But I now realize that it wasn't ME he wanted, it would have been ANYONE who was willing to drop everything to run over there and satisfy him in his hyper-sexual state.
I'm not implying at all that your husband doesn't love you, or that he is exactly the same as my XA. After all, we were not married and in his eyes, we weren't in any kind of 'committed' relationship, so our situations differ in that area. But I just wanted to share my experience from the sexual side of a relationship with a coke addict, since that is primarily what our relationship consisted of, because I think in that respect, the behavior is very similar. And I just wanted to let you know that my XA has lived with that pattern of cocaine use for 25 years, and I don't see him EVER stopping, or at least not anytime soon.
(((HUGS)))
I also can very much attest to the 'aggressive' sexual behavior exhibited by someone high on coke. As Anvil stated, NOTHING is too crazy, too off-limits, too taboo. And as EG mentioned, our 'sessions' went on for a couple hours (at which point, I was ALWAYS left bruised, battered, sore and (please forgive me for being so graphic) sometimes bleeding. It would take me several days to 'recover' from the soreness/bleeding and a week for the bruises to fade. And YES, they treat you like an OBJECT, and nothing more, during it. We are simply something to be used however they want and strictly for their pleasure. I used to think, "Wow, he really wants me," because most times he would be 'on me' as soon as I walked in the door (and sometimes, he would be waiting behind the door, in the dark, to pounce on me before I even got the door shut - it was...disconcerting....to say the least). But I now realize that it wasn't ME he wanted, it would have been ANYONE who was willing to drop everything to run over there and satisfy him in his hyper-sexual state.
I'm not implying at all that your husband doesn't love you, or that he is exactly the same as my XA. After all, we were not married and in his eyes, we weren't in any kind of 'committed' relationship, so our situations differ in that area. But I just wanted to share my experience from the sexual side of a relationship with a coke addict, since that is primarily what our relationship consisted of, because I think in that respect, the behavior is very similar. And I just wanted to let you know that my XA has lived with that pattern of cocaine use for 25 years, and I don't see him EVER stopping, or at least not anytime soon.
(((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support and helpful information on this site.
I also was a sad wife. My husband's DOC was meth. Many times on Fridays after work he would use and this would be followed by a horrible weekend of arguing, lying, etc., so I know the anxious feeling you get when the weekend approaches.
If your AH doesn't recognize and admit he has a problem, it will be very difficult for him to stop. You deserve to have a loving husband everyday of the week. You cannot control what he does and, despite what he says, it is NOT YOUR FAULT he uses drugs. It is his CHOICE.
You cannot have a strong, healthy marriage when drugs are part of the picture. Living with an addict can make us question our own sanity and make you second guess yourself about everything. The addict knows this and uses it to his advantage. Please read the stickies posted on this forum and keep coming back for support. You are not alone.
Hugs
I also was a sad wife. My husband's DOC was meth. Many times on Fridays after work he would use and this would be followed by a horrible weekend of arguing, lying, etc., so I know the anxious feeling you get when the weekend approaches.
If your AH doesn't recognize and admit he has a problem, it will be very difficult for him to stop. You deserve to have a loving husband everyday of the week. You cannot control what he does and, despite what he says, it is NOT YOUR FAULT he uses drugs. It is his CHOICE.
You cannot have a strong, healthy marriage when drugs are part of the picture. Living with an addict can make us question our own sanity and make you second guess yourself about everything. The addict knows this and uses it to his advantage. Please read the stickies posted on this forum and keep coming back for support. You are not alone.
Hugs
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Thank you to everyone. I was feeling guilty for coming on here and writing what I did. But to find several people understand and share they went through something so close helps more than you know. Everhopeful721, what you are sharing is very close to my experience and I have also been bruised both body and mind, not that it was the intent of my husband, but what difference does that make really when he wont listen and cannot get it through his thick scull while he is high on these drugs. The frustration I feel cant even explain sometimes. All the words about how much he loves me and cares, and all that he does for me, and all the while not hearing what I am saying and what I am feeling. Ive marched out and drove away in the car only to have him call hours later like it will all be ok, Ive went into the bedroom and cried and he ignores me. Im discovering more that something has to change and I will figure out what.
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to answer the question, no my husband didnt use drugs when we met. he has never been a problem drinker or anything. This all started well hints of it a couple months before we married but I thought it was occasional use because he was stressed out. Its been a problem with the weekend for about two months now with him getting aggressive as his use continues into saturday. I have not been around drugs and dont know a lot about them except I have been reading some lately. I dont know what an eight ball is, but I know my husband sniffs his drug because he gets an inflamed nose, runny nose. a normal person that would be enough to make you not even use a drug like that.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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An 8 ball is, I believe, 3.5 grams of cocaine. My XA also snorts, and I believe he may have a perforated septum (a hole in the lining of his nose) from it. His nose didn't usually run, but it was ALWAYS stuffed up and he uses a lot of nasal spray. And I agree with you that it was never his 'intent' to hurt me, it is just how he acts under the influence of such an awful drug, very aggressive, very rough and very intense.
And please don't ever feel bad or guilty for anything you post here! That's what is so great about this site - you can share and vent with people who understand exactly what you're going through, but keep your anonymity at the same time. Please keep coming back to post, vent, ask questions, etc. We're all here for you and we really care!!
And please don't ever feel bad or guilty for anything you post here! That's what is so great about this site - you can share and vent with people who understand exactly what you're going through, but keep your anonymity at the same time. Please keep coming back to post, vent, ask questions, etc. We're all here for you and we really care!!
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I wonder if it were only "hints" of a problem because maybe you weren't living together yet? An active addict doesn't like having a witness, and will use words...many words and gestures of "love" as a smokescreen.
I, too, lived with Jekyll and Hyde. I thought I could love Jekyll enough to leave Hyde behind. But Hyde loved cocaine (crack) more than Jekyll loved me...and he just couldn't give it up.
My boundary became this...I do NOT want crack in my life. I finally had to leave him to uphold that simple but dead serious boundary.
I am very happy to not have crack around anymore. Unfortunately...or maybe, after all is said and done,fortunately, that means him too.
I, too, lived with Jekyll and Hyde. I thought I could love Jekyll enough to leave Hyde behind. But Hyde loved cocaine (crack) more than Jekyll loved me...and he just couldn't give it up.
My boundary became this...I do NOT want crack in my life. I finally had to leave him to uphold that simple but dead serious boundary.
I am very happy to not have crack around anymore. Unfortunately...or maybe, after all is said and done,fortunately, that means him too.
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Originally Posted by Vale 
Package deals suck. The best mate in the world is no
bargain------if addiction is in the bundle.
bargain------if addiction is in the bundle.
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As is the norm, he came home last night after work and had gone with a couple friends for drinks, and to pick up his weekend drugs. Everything was ok last night and today so far. In fact he has been home all day and is doing what he always does, working on projects here and although I dont see it I know he is continuously getting high through the day. Ive been around him today and can see his personality shifting and he is agitated and a little short with his comments like he is angry. A normal person you could say it is because he is tired working at home on his day off (we had a house built, and still have work to do on it. Have contractors for part of it, but some things he wanted to do on his own) but its more than that IT IS THE DRUGS taking over my husband. I wish I could leave now only until tomorrow. The sick part is as I was telling on the other forum I feel like if Im not here he would be at risk for driving while high, maybe going to a bar, cheating on me while in this state, God only knows what. But it is sick to feel that way I know. I cannot monitor him like a child and sacrifice myself to keep him protected. In some ways that is what Im doing. My head spins trying to know what is right. Will get through it.
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Its hard to articulate but he cannot see what he is doing to himself, and that is the most frustrating of all.
oh honey, he KNOWS. he is not some helpless child flailing in the deep end with arm floaties. best friends treat each other like best friends...they do not suddenly turn on them with bitter, scathing anger.
you may take those vows seriously..but vows are made between two...and he isn't showing that those vows mean much at all....to him. he made his vows to the dope. that's what we do, us addicts. we sell our soul. cuz that is the price....to keep using. and the thought of NOT using is unimaginable.
he is using now, today. in the home you share. with you there. and doesn't CARE.
oh honey, he KNOWS. he is not some helpless child flailing in the deep end with arm floaties. best friends treat each other like best friends...they do not suddenly turn on them with bitter, scathing anger.
you may take those vows seriously..but vows are made between two...and he isn't showing that those vows mean much at all....to him. he made his vows to the dope. that's what we do, us addicts. we sell our soul. cuz that is the price....to keep using. and the thought of NOT using is unimaginable.
he is using now, today. in the home you share. with you there. and doesn't CARE.
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