Being in the police
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 83
Being in the police
Hi everyone,
Feeling terrible at the moment, really terrible.
So since the last post (let speed addict husband uneasily back into the house), my addict was sick & miserable for the first week. He opened up a little, I said not much & tried to be supporting. We had a few good days but there were many moments where he would snap & be really nasty for no reason.he started gambling again, even though we have no money. I was furious to find out on Tuesday morning he had gambled $450 on my credit card. Being on maternity leave with no money coming in, every penny counts! So we had a huge argument & he took off to buy cigarettes. I haven't seen him since. Of course he took our one & only car. He has no phone & I haven't heard from him.
Yesterday me & our 2 babies caught the bus to the shops for food. There was no bus home so we began the 45min walk home when I bumped into an old friend of my addict who offered us a lift. After polite chit chat I asked if he had seen my addict. He said yes & did I know he was injecting speed. I said yes. He said, 'why are you still here!!'. Today he came to see me again. He said he had not been able to stop thinking about me & the girls & the danger we are in & wanted to explain. He said my addict comes round at all hours of the night for water (?). Looking for a mix or something. He also said he's sold his iPhone, fishing car (which I suspected but of course my addict lied about), the welder from our shed, etc. I checked the shed & it's true it's gone. I went inside & checked my jewellery box. My one possession of any value ($4000 24 carrat gold jewellery) is gone! My dad brought me that when I was a kid! I heard him snopping in there the other day & he said he had found ants??? This 'friend if his' also said he went to where ge was staying & he is very dirty with his needles & they all share. My addict promised me he wasn't stupid & he would never shàre. He also said their were 2 junkie females there with him and only him. My addict denied any funny business to the 'friend' and got angry when questioned. Why is this guy telling me all this?? Is he really a good samaratin? He guarantees my addict has cheated on me & said I don't understand the drug world. he didnt guve specifics. i never thought my addict would cheat on me. His 'friend' was not sleazy in any way & said his only mitive was to tell me the truth so I would get out of danger. He is worried I will get a disease!!
So I called the police. They can't do much as we are in a relationship but they have an alert on the car. I didn't give them the drug story but they assumed. When they see the car they will immediately pull him over & bring me back my car. I'm trapped at home. They also offered me a violence emergency restraining order but I declined just for now.
I then told my mum after months of me keeping this to myself (except for you helpers!). She's obviously worried. She raised the question of what will happen whe they find the car & it's full of drugs & needles. He will go to jail. So now I feel terrible. I know I need to run now oh & go to a doctor. I can't believe his done this!!! I called his dad to let him know i'd called the police. he encouraged me to do this the last tume he stole the car but has gone a little funny now ive actually called. I've been talking to him the whole time but no1 is doing anything about it.
Feel terrible. I love him or 'loved' him. He obviously doesn't care for me.
Pls tell me I've done the right thing??
Feeling terrible at the moment, really terrible.
So since the last post (let speed addict husband uneasily back into the house), my addict was sick & miserable for the first week. He opened up a little, I said not much & tried to be supporting. We had a few good days but there were many moments where he would snap & be really nasty for no reason.he started gambling again, even though we have no money. I was furious to find out on Tuesday morning he had gambled $450 on my credit card. Being on maternity leave with no money coming in, every penny counts! So we had a huge argument & he took off to buy cigarettes. I haven't seen him since. Of course he took our one & only car. He has no phone & I haven't heard from him.
Yesterday me & our 2 babies caught the bus to the shops for food. There was no bus home so we began the 45min walk home when I bumped into an old friend of my addict who offered us a lift. After polite chit chat I asked if he had seen my addict. He said yes & did I know he was injecting speed. I said yes. He said, 'why are you still here!!'. Today he came to see me again. He said he had not been able to stop thinking about me & the girls & the danger we are in & wanted to explain. He said my addict comes round at all hours of the night for water (?). Looking for a mix or something. He also said he's sold his iPhone, fishing car (which I suspected but of course my addict lied about), the welder from our shed, etc. I checked the shed & it's true it's gone. I went inside & checked my jewellery box. My one possession of any value ($4000 24 carrat gold jewellery) is gone! My dad brought me that when I was a kid! I heard him snopping in there the other day & he said he had found ants??? This 'friend if his' also said he went to where ge was staying & he is very dirty with his needles & they all share. My addict promised me he wasn't stupid & he would never shàre. He also said their were 2 junkie females there with him and only him. My addict denied any funny business to the 'friend' and got angry when questioned. Why is this guy telling me all this?? Is he really a good samaratin? He guarantees my addict has cheated on me & said I don't understand the drug world. he didnt guve specifics. i never thought my addict would cheat on me. His 'friend' was not sleazy in any way & said his only mitive was to tell me the truth so I would get out of danger. He is worried I will get a disease!!
So I called the police. They can't do much as we are in a relationship but they have an alert on the car. I didn't give them the drug story but they assumed. When they see the car they will immediately pull him over & bring me back my car. I'm trapped at home. They also offered me a violence emergency restraining order but I declined just for now.
I then told my mum after months of me keeping this to myself (except for you helpers!). She's obviously worried. She raised the question of what will happen whe they find the car & it's full of drugs & needles. He will go to jail. So now I feel terrible. I know I need to run now oh & go to a doctor. I can't believe his done this!!! I called his dad to let him know i'd called the police. he encouraged me to do this the last tume he stole the car but has gone a little funny now ive actually called. I've been talking to him the whole time but no1 is doing anything about it.
Feel terrible. I love him or 'loved' him. He obviously doesn't care for me.
Pls tell me I've done the right thing??
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Lets talk about you, not so much him for this moment anyway. What can you do for you to bring peace and sanity to your life. Remember nothing is about him, but what you need.
First I suggest you get tested now and then again in 6 months. I wouldn’t be having any kind of sexual relationship with him, but that is just me. Also please note that if you choose to condoms do not stop the spread of all diseases.
Your health and the health of your children are most important now. As much as we need to safeguard money and valuables … we need to safeguard our health. That needs to be a huge priority. Being stressed isn’t healthy for you or anyone around you … one simple way to remove some of stress is to constantly remember you have no control, and that he is an addict and this is what addicts do and if you don’t wish to live in his madness then you need to remove yourself from it, or remove him from your life. Easier said than done, no not really acceptance does goes a long way.
Also I would report everything missing as stolen and if that credit card wasn’t a joint card I would report that as well. Then I would follow through. This is not about revenge, or getting even, hell it isn’t even about him facing the consequences of his actions, although he should…it is just what should be done. It is for you, a bit empowering …. I would take steps to separate my finances from him in terms of joint accounts with creditors or the bank. I would also inform the bank that he is not to have access to any of your accounts and if they do allow it, you will be holding them responsible.
If they pull him over, and find drugs, that isn’t your problem. It is the choice he made, after all he is an addict, isn’t he? It would make total sense if he had drugs on him. You can not control the outcome of any path he chooses, it isn’t in your power.
Now the speed. It is very unpredictable drug, and there is no reasoning with someone using at all. It goes bad real fast, and he will escalate and escalate as his addiction progresses. There is no way to insure your safety if you allow him around and frankly since I do understand the dynamics of it all you probably don’t even realize at times how much danger you really are in. With addiction we live in such a heightened state of alert, always on, always watching that not only do we miss the danger signs in the relationship with miss them in other areas of our life too. There is something important to be said about anxiety, if you are feeling it, then you need to find a way to remove it. Anxiety is a tell all of mental unhealthiness if a physical reason can not be found, like mitral valve, like a vitamin deficiency, low blood sugar , whatever… and it removes our ability to see what is dangerous, silences our intuitive voice that is very important for our survival and safety… and while everyone would suggest to read codependent no more, I would suggest “the gift of fear“. And I say this not only with what I know is the norm of living with someone using meth, and using it myself, but with the friend as well, who is all of a sudden sharing for your best interest. I have no trust issues anymore, but I still want to know motive and am a bit cynical. I would take the talk at face value, but I am not sure I would be all that ready to label it as help with no motive behind it. Now that is me based on what I have lived and learned from.
You are number one here, you have to be. So take good care of you because you are worth it as are your children.
Stay safe …
First I suggest you get tested now and then again in 6 months. I wouldn’t be having any kind of sexual relationship with him, but that is just me. Also please note that if you choose to condoms do not stop the spread of all diseases.
Your health and the health of your children are most important now. As much as we need to safeguard money and valuables … we need to safeguard our health. That needs to be a huge priority. Being stressed isn’t healthy for you or anyone around you … one simple way to remove some of stress is to constantly remember you have no control, and that he is an addict and this is what addicts do and if you don’t wish to live in his madness then you need to remove yourself from it, or remove him from your life. Easier said than done, no not really acceptance does goes a long way.
Also I would report everything missing as stolen and if that credit card wasn’t a joint card I would report that as well. Then I would follow through. This is not about revenge, or getting even, hell it isn’t even about him facing the consequences of his actions, although he should…it is just what should be done. It is for you, a bit empowering …. I would take steps to separate my finances from him in terms of joint accounts with creditors or the bank. I would also inform the bank that he is not to have access to any of your accounts and if they do allow it, you will be holding them responsible.
If they pull him over, and find drugs, that isn’t your problem. It is the choice he made, after all he is an addict, isn’t he? It would make total sense if he had drugs on him. You can not control the outcome of any path he chooses, it isn’t in your power.
Now the speed. It is very unpredictable drug, and there is no reasoning with someone using at all. It goes bad real fast, and he will escalate and escalate as his addiction progresses. There is no way to insure your safety if you allow him around and frankly since I do understand the dynamics of it all you probably don’t even realize at times how much danger you really are in. With addiction we live in such a heightened state of alert, always on, always watching that not only do we miss the danger signs in the relationship with miss them in other areas of our life too. There is something important to be said about anxiety, if you are feeling it, then you need to find a way to remove it. Anxiety is a tell all of mental unhealthiness if a physical reason can not be found, like mitral valve, like a vitamin deficiency, low blood sugar , whatever… and it removes our ability to see what is dangerous, silences our intuitive voice that is very important for our survival and safety… and while everyone would suggest to read codependent no more, I would suggest “the gift of fear“. And I say this not only with what I know is the norm of living with someone using meth, and using it myself, but with the friend as well, who is all of a sudden sharing for your best interest. I have no trust issues anymore, but I still want to know motive and am a bit cynical. I would take the talk at face value, but I am not sure I would be all that ready to label it as help with no motive behind it. Now that is me based on what I have lived and learned from.
You are number one here, you have to be. So take good care of you because you are worth it as are your children.
Stay safe …
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 83
Thkyou for your advice incitingsilence. I will be going to get tested as soon as I have a vehicle. Im concerned but staying positive. Where I live public transported is extremely limited. I am determined to make a definite break now. The police are involved now. It's going to be messy & I'm very upset about it as I can't believe the turn of events (& our relationship) in the last 3-4 months.
I am anxious. Very anxious. I'm worried what will happen when/if he comes back here. His anger the other day was scary. he doesnt make sense. he doesnt see reason. he was furious when i asked him about stealing my money for gambling & said its my fault. im to controlling & he will pay me back anyway. I'm working on my plan to get out of this town & back to my family. However, I have limited money & the house here is in my name. My mum has given me doubts about ringing the police. She supports what I do though wholeheartedly. I've only just told her today. She is hours away by plane & I don't think she really understands how much he had changed. She wouldn't recognise him. She thinks I can talk to him & tell him things. I can't.
Luckily I have always kept our finances separate. His money he busts, my mobey provides for us. if we go to court i have all the evidence. i hope it works out well. I'm hoping I will not inherit his debts.
Thks I will check out that reading now.
I should've left months ago but I'm always hoping, hoping the old man I loved will shine through. But he is gone. I now know that. To put me in so much danger!!!
Unlike you, I do have trust issues now. I can't work out the motive behind his 'friend'. I saw it as a sign or something I bumped into him yesterday but now I'm questioning it all. Would someone make things like that up? Or is really just worried for a woman & 2 girls he hardly knows. That's what he said. With or without his words though, my addict has still done more than enough for me to run, sprint! I've started walking now. I know I need to stay strong, think of my babies & start a new life. It doesnt stop it from being hard though as I'm sure you all know!!
Thanks again & thks for listening. So nice to know other people have gone through similar experiences & come out the other side x
I am anxious. Very anxious. I'm worried what will happen when/if he comes back here. His anger the other day was scary. he doesnt make sense. he doesnt see reason. he was furious when i asked him about stealing my money for gambling & said its my fault. im to controlling & he will pay me back anyway. I'm working on my plan to get out of this town & back to my family. However, I have limited money & the house here is in my name. My mum has given me doubts about ringing the police. She supports what I do though wholeheartedly. I've only just told her today. She is hours away by plane & I don't think she really understands how much he had changed. She wouldn't recognise him. She thinks I can talk to him & tell him things. I can't.
Luckily I have always kept our finances separate. His money he busts, my mobey provides for us. if we go to court i have all the evidence. i hope it works out well. I'm hoping I will not inherit his debts.
Thks I will check out that reading now.
I should've left months ago but I'm always hoping, hoping the old man I loved will shine through. But he is gone. I now know that. To put me in so much danger!!!
Unlike you, I do have trust issues now. I can't work out the motive behind his 'friend'. I saw it as a sign or something I bumped into him yesterday but now I'm questioning it all. Would someone make things like that up? Or is really just worried for a woman & 2 girls he hardly knows. That's what he said. With or without his words though, my addict has still done more than enough for me to run, sprint! I've started walking now. I know I need to stay strong, think of my babies & start a new life. It doesnt stop it from being hard though as I'm sure you all know!!
Thanks again & thks for listening. So nice to know other people have gone through similar experiences & come out the other side x
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Pls tell me I've done the right thing??
It's not ok for AH to take a care and leave a mother with little ones stranded without transportation. It's not ok to be gambling on credit. It's not ok to steal your jewelry and pawn it for drugs. It's NOT ok. And whether the bean spilling friend is telling the truth or not is irrelevant at this point......get tested.
Please.....take care of you. AH is an adult and is fully capable of taking care of himself. Addicts are extremely adept at surviving. Babies are not. Right now, your safety and the safety of those children should be your highest priority. The little ones need a clear headed responsible parent.
Nothing changes if nothing changes......and you can't change him.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2013
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Thks & agree. Just need to keep hearing it. I'm disgusted in myself for putting up with so much & not getting out sooner. I wanted sooooo bad to believe his lies & look where I am now.
He always promises to get help but comes back & never does. He had 1.5wks & spoke of his drug journey like a crazy adventure. He's not ready to give up.
Yes my girls are my number 1 priority which means getting them out of here. I've spent too long worrying about him & his welfare & forgotten about me along the way.
My 14month was with me when crying to my mum on the phone today. I've hardly cried. She couldn't stop kissing & hugging me. my 4yr old (who i had away from earshot) kept right away. usually she follows me around the house. Amazing wat children pick up on. We will be ok!!
Thkyou
He always promises to get help but comes back & never does. He had 1.5wks & spoke of his drug journey like a crazy adventure. He's not ready to give up.
Yes my girls are my number 1 priority which means getting them out of here. I've spent too long worrying about him & his welfare & forgotten about me along the way.
My 14month was with me when crying to my mum on the phone today. I've hardly cried. She couldn't stop kissing & hugging me. my 4yr old (who i had away from earshot) kept right away. usually she follows me around the house. Amazing wat children pick up on. We will be ok!!
Thkyou
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Yes check out that book, there are two very important chapters on relationships and there is a lot a of talk about waging a war, and when you shouldn’t. I really can’t explain it all that well this way but it gave me a totally different view on how I respond to domestic violence or abusive situations. It gave options that all woman I think need to know are there and why there is a reason behind those options. It is a look into the whys of the actions we would take to protect ourselves and how some of those things can make the situation escalate more.
Your trust will return when you trust yourself, and that is why mine has. Even if the motive thing still perplexes me some. I have to remember to watch my own and that it is just as important.
Make a backup plan and know that you do not have to see him. If you are scared and he returns home, lie to get out of the house, act flighty if you have too to get out… and then call the police. If you are scared then pay attention to that and know that you do not owe him an explanation, you do not have to engage with him, or make it softer for him to understand your whys. This isn’t about him, but what you need now … Keep close the unpredictable nature of this drug, that is so important to understand that you aren’t equipped to deal with someone out of their mind on speed. Even me knowing what it does because I have used this drug and loved it, I wouldn’t go there. You can’t talk someone irrational and our of their mind down.
It doesn’t matter his motive for telling you, and I am glad you do see that. Really did you need more proof than what you already had? You can drive yourself crazy looking for the motive. I know, I have been there done that. Try to keep it simple, ok.
Take good care!
Your trust will return when you trust yourself, and that is why mine has. Even if the motive thing still perplexes me some. I have to remember to watch my own and that it is just as important.
Make a backup plan and know that you do not have to see him. If you are scared and he returns home, lie to get out of the house, act flighty if you have too to get out… and then call the police. If you are scared then pay attention to that and know that you do not owe him an explanation, you do not have to engage with him, or make it softer for him to understand your whys. This isn’t about him, but what you need now … Keep close the unpredictable nature of this drug, that is so important to understand that you aren’t equipped to deal with someone out of their mind on speed. Even me knowing what it does because I have used this drug and loved it, I wouldn’t go there. You can’t talk someone irrational and our of their mind down.
It doesn’t matter his motive for telling you, and I am glad you do see that. Really did you need more proof than what you already had? You can drive yourself crazy looking for the motive. I know, I have been there done that. Try to keep it simple, ok.
Take good care!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Of course you did the right thing, you and your children need the car. I’d re-think the restraining order that way your anxiety can lesson a little knowing he is not allowed to come back with his nasty attitude towards you.
At this point I wouldn’t be too interested in the why’s of this other person telling you the truth as much as I would be interested in accepting it.
Is there any way you can go stay with a friend or your mom until more calm is in your life?
At this point I wouldn’t be too interested in the why’s of this other person telling you the truth as much as I would be interested in accepting it.
Is there any way you can go stay with a friend or your mom until more calm is in your life?
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Join Date: May 2013
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Thks for the support guys. Really appreciate it.
I'm working on a plan. Im going to pack a bag & hide it away invade needed. Maybe even a secret cell phone. If I have to get in a hurry & jump in a plane for my moms I will. However just now my 4yr old has just started school, its very expensive, I want to sort out the car, etc. my really good friend up here moved away about 6months ago. Geeze I miss her now! I will need to let another friend in on the craziness now to help me if me necessary. It puts a lot of pressure on people dealing with this crazy sh*t!
Rethinking the restraining order. My husband is seriously 3 times the size of me. im only small & he is tall. His father feels that restraining orders are a waste of time & will just make him angrier when he will already be in an angry place after what's happened. Agree but think he trying to protect his son - even though he hasn't do anything to help. I've been begging him to pick his son up (or organise for one of his brothers) for weeks. Maybe if he had I wouldn't have called the police.
Well back to the waiting game...
I'm working on a plan. Im going to pack a bag & hide it away invade needed. Maybe even a secret cell phone. If I have to get in a hurry & jump in a plane for my moms I will. However just now my 4yr old has just started school, its very expensive, I want to sort out the car, etc. my really good friend up here moved away about 6months ago. Geeze I miss her now! I will need to let another friend in on the craziness now to help me if me necessary. It puts a lot of pressure on people dealing with this crazy sh*t!
Rethinking the restraining order. My husband is seriously 3 times the size of me. im only small & he is tall. His father feels that restraining orders are a waste of time & will just make him angrier when he will already be in an angry place after what's happened. Agree but think he trying to protect his son - even though he hasn't do anything to help. I've been begging him to pick his son up (or organise for one of his brothers) for weeks. Maybe if he had I wouldn't have called the police.
Well back to the waiting game...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Needingadvice1 
Feel terrible. I love him or 'loved' him. He obviously doesn't care for me.
Pls tell me I've done the right thing??
he has done plenty wrong
and
you did what you had to do
remember
tough love is often better that easy please me love
and
you did what you had to do
remember
tough love is often better that easy please me love
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 64
You did the right thing! 
You are protecting yourself and your children. No other option.
And don't worry about the Good Samaritan's motives. It added a layer of evidence and helped you accept the truth. No reason to bake him a pie or anything. If the GS is into the bad stuff himself....well they have their bright, shining moments too. It might have made his day to something positive.
You are protecting yourself and your children. No other option.
And don't worry about the Good Samaritan's motives. It added a layer of evidence and helped you accept the truth. No reason to bake him a pie or anything. If the GS is into the bad stuff himself....well they have their bright, shining moments too. It might have made his day to something positive.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I don’t know the real reason why his dad doesn’t want the restraining order, but I tend to agree … there is no way to predict how he will react when served. And if he is high, or coming down, or not high … well damn no matter what state he is in, he is gonna be pissed off. I don’t know irrational people don’t tend to give a sh*t about some piece of paper.
Do you have a local domestic violence shelter close? Either way you can call and get some help via the phone for now, ask questions, get advice. The national number is 1-800-799-7233.
Do you have a local domestic violence shelter close? Either way you can call and get some help via the phone for now, ask questions, get advice. The national number is 1-800-799-7233.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Yeah I keep changing my mind. He's just been paid (his on workers comp so good money but bored) so I doubt I need to worry about seeing him for a few days. But he will be mad when the cops pull him over. I think the best is to pack an emergency bag, stay alert & find a way to the mall for a cheap spare phone.
You all don't know how much this helps to talk to others who understand! Well actually I'm sure you do, that's why you're here. Just talking to my mum again, who just found out about this all last night. I feel she's where I was 2 months ago. Still hopeful...
You all don't know how much this helps to talk to others who understand! Well actually I'm sure you do, that's why you're here. Just talking to my mum again, who just found out about this all last night. I feel she's where I was 2 months ago. Still hopeful...
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Ok so I'm furious!!!! Just spoke to his brother & his dad hasn't been passing anything on! Well not much anyway. His brother is trying to come tmor as he is 4hrs away. It's likely the police will find the car before then & that will really escalate the situation further. I've asked if they can drive & leave now & they are working on it. His brother made some calls & apparently anyone & everyone is travelling around in my car!!!!!! Someone asked where my addict was & they said he was back at the house to wasted to move!!! I'm doing everything to stop myself from getting in a can & driving around until I find my car!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh !! I know I know I'm not entirely stupid I realise how dangerous this could be!!!!!! All the baby seats will just be chucked to the kerb & my car will come back trashed!!!! I hope the police pull it over when some other scum is driving it. I could seriously boil an egg on my back at the moment I'm sooooooo angry!!!!!
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Ohhh & apparently the brother called this a number of a junkie I gave him. This junkies been calling desperate to speak to my husband on & off during the week. The junkie said to his brother, 'nah I've seen him his fine, nah we're not on the gear he's just going through a rough time.' HA!!!!!!!
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