Hello, I am new to this site.

Old 06-13-2013, 08:48 AM
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Hello, I am new to this site.

Hello,
I am new to the sober recovery site. I have been looking, for some time, for a support group where I can gain some understanding about addiction and feel supported in my experience being married for 13 years to a functioning narcotics addict.
When I met my husband, he presented as an exciting, outgoing guy. We clicked right away and were married 3 months later. I became pregnant right away and it was then that things began to change. He started skipping out any chance he got, saying, "I'm just running to the store" or "a friend of mine needs my help with his car." I noticed him nodding off a lot and when I would ask him, he would say, "I don't know what your talking about. I'm fine." When it started happening at family holidays and my family noticed, I asked him more seriously if something was wrong. I also suggested he see a doctor because I thought something was very wrong. His answer was always, "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm just tired. I work hard all day. There's nothing wrong with me. It's in your imagination." After years of this kind of behavior and years of me believing that I was wrong, I came home from running errands and found him comatose on the couch. Our eight month old son was left wandering through the house alone. When I tried to rouse him, he was out of it. I told him I had had enough of him telling me nothing was wrong. I was furious that he had endangered our son that way. What if something terrible had happened to him? Believe it or not, he continued to deny his problem. He told me he took an oxycontin because he had back pain and that he had no idea that it would affect him that way. He swore to "never let it happen again." I believed him. Not long after, I began to notice the nodding off again and he started skipping out a lot. I began to realize that things were never going to change and so I started giving a lot of thought to leaving. Back and forth I went in my mind and heart until one day, I found him asleep again outside in the yard with our son with the lawn mover running. I told him, after that, that I was leaving him. While he stumbled around the kitchen in his stupor, he kept slurring, "you're not leaving me." I kept reassuring him that I would find a way. Once he came out of it, he apologized and, again, swore that it would never happen again and, again, I believed him. These kinds of situations came again and again and eventually, when our son was about 4, he and I went to stay with a friend and her family. My husband was devastated. He begged us to come home. I insisted that he get help for his drug problem. He finally admitted being addicted to prescription pills and swore to get help. He started going to meetings and we began therapy together and I came home. About 6 months later, we were back to our usual days with him skipping out, money being gone, the nodding off. I became detached. Things got bad again when one day at work I got a call from the bank that my account was overdrawn. I asked how that could be possible since I am diligent about my checkbook. The teller told me that my husband was writing checks against my account. I was furious. I asked them why they were cashing checks that I did not sign. She said they thought it was OK because they knew him. I told her that I hadn't authorized the checks. She suggested I contact the authorities. I considered it for a moment then decided against it. I wasn't going to incarcerate my husband. I left work to confront him and found him on the couch again. When I woke him he was irate, began threatening me and threatening to take our son. Neighbors called the police and the nightmare began. He was pulled over by the police and they found drugs in the car. The spent the night in jail. I thought that for sure this was rock bottom. I insisted he stay with his mother for a while. HE did then soon after we were living together again as he promised to change his life to save our family. Not long after that, things were back to the way they always were. About a yer and a half ago, I left. It tore our family apart and my husband continues, on a daily basis, to blame me for our separation. The guilt I feel is indescribable but I just can't imagine going back. Our son splits his time between us. HE is 12 now and struggles a lot with anger and resentment. My husband tells me that all of that would go away if I brought our family back together. He asks me, "don't I want to make our son's pain go away?" I am truly heart broken and wonder if he is right, but like I said, I can't bring myself to go back to him.
I truly invite any insight you have to my situation. I respect your experience and understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
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Old 06-13-2013, 09:39 AM
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Living under the shadow of him ATTEMPTING to blame you for the psychological issues your son is having is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE. Part of being a grown adult and parent is the ability to take care of your offspring and you've done just that: pulling your son from a dangerous situation and protecting him. Perhaps there are resources you can tap in order to take your son to counseling? I'm not a parent, but there are so many mothers and fathers on this forum who will be able to advise you more in this regard.

You're away from his direct and immediate influence- you're in a better spot than you realize. You've seen him lie and steal for years and his behavior and words will not change until he's on a solid recovery path.

If you're not attending any fellowships or meetings, I HIGHLY recommend it. During my stint with my AXBF, going to CoDA helped me the most and kept me sane during the worst times. Having someone to bounce ideas off of, speak your mind to, and be honest with your feelings about in a safe place is invaluable.
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Old 06-13-2013, 09:52 AM
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As the adult child of addicted parents, I find this topic somewhat triggering, so I'll be brief.

Your son is suffering as a direct result of having been raised in the unhealthy environment that he was forced to endure throughout his childhood, and that he continues to endure today. Addicts make lousy parents and they should NEVER be left alone with children.

You can choose to allow your husband to continue manipulating you, but your son doesn't get to make that choice. Your husband has shown you again and again that he is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of caring for a child. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but your son desperately needs someone to put his best interest first. Please consider getting him therapy to begin working through his feelings, he can't handle this on his own, the things he is dealing with will have lifelong developmental consequences without intervention. I am in my 30s and I am still struggling with issues attributed to an alcoholic/addicted family of origin.

You can get through this, but nothing changes if nothing changes. You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 06-13-2013, 09:58 AM
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welcome

Welcome to the sight. I agree with what has been said but also want to provide you with an encouraging word. There is hope. Many of us have been able to maintain sobriety and work on the issues that got ushere in the first place. There is support through ala non and I urge you to reach out locally.

Glad that you found this sight.

Densobersoul
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Old 06-13-2013, 10:38 AM
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Thank you lilyB2013, interrupted, and densobersoul for taking the time to read my story and for your affirmations, understanding and advice. I already feel connected to something larger through this group and I am truly grateful. I don't feel so alone in this anymore.

My son is in therapy and has been since I left. That was the first thing I did. Recently, he has become part of a group therapy and he really looks forward to going each week.
The daily struggles are difficult though, and they wear on our relationship. I worry about him constantly. Most of the time, I feel like I'm never doing enough for him. I feel like I scramble every day to try to make him happy and to make sure he knows I love him, but I don't see that making a positive difference in his life. I see us growing apart instead of together. It breaks my heart.

Thank you for the suggestions to join a local group. I definitely will look into that, as I have been feeling, lately, like I need to be a part of a group of people who have had similar experiences. Getting linked in here was my first step.

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and thoughts and, again, I welcome any and all insights into the situation and appreciate your time and kindness.
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Old 06-13-2013, 12:21 PM
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I am glad that you are seeking help. The WE part of this is important. As a parent iI understand you desire to fix things. As we grow up we develop coping skills. My mom always wanted to fix things for me andit hindered my emotional ability to deal with life. I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts. Stay connected.

densobersoul
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Old 06-13-2013, 01:00 PM
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Welcome to SoberRecovery!

This forum has taught me so much and I truly do not know where my children and I would be without the lessons that I've learned from the people here.

Please take time to read the stickies at the top and to read other posts that share experience, strength, and hope.

I am the mother of a 13-year-old son. I am currently separated from my AH. My AH and I have two younger children together, ages 4 & 3. So far, my 13-year-old has suffered the most from his step-father's actions. It's hard to be a young teen. Those years are difficult for any child, even children in perfectly functioning homes. It has to be so much more difficult for children with addict parents. It's good that he's in counseling. Are you two able to possibly go to family counseling (just you and your son)?

Do you feel like your son is generally happier now that he is not in the same home as his father? Do you believe his father is still using oxy or any other drug? It is exceptionally hard to break away from the grips of oxycontin. If you suspect dad is using, why is your son spending half of his time with him?

Please, if you take anything away, let it be this: DON'T FEEL GUILTY! You absolutely did the right thing by moving you and your child out of the home of an addict. You did not tear your family apart! Addiction did. Recovery is in your AH's reach, but he has to make that choice. I don't personally know you or your son but I find it very difficult to believe that your son's pain will go away if you reconcile with your AH. Further, if AH is still active in his addiction, it will put your son in danger (again).

You did not cause, nor are the cause of, your husband's addiction
You can not control your husband's addiction
You can not cure your husband's addiction

I can relate. I've threatened my AH with the police for writing checks off of my account. I went to our local grocery store to demand they not accept any checks from my account until they verified it was me writing them. (He'd buy something for a couple of dollars and then write the check for $80 more) I also had to go to my bank and alert them to what he was doing. It's so embarassing.....and sad. It sucks that you or I even had to deal with an issue like this from a person we believed would love us more than anyone.

I'd also advise you to check out the books, Codependent No More and Boundaries.

((((HUGS)))) to you!
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Old 06-13-2013, 01:12 PM
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Welcome to SR, although I am sorry for what has brought you here.

Do not let your AH manipulate you into feeling guilty, that is what he is trying to do. How many times did he choose drugs over his family? By pointing the finger at you he is trying to shift the blame away from himself. I agree with others that say you did the right thing by moving away from him.

Does your son still have contact with his dad? When addicts are backed into a corner or upset, they can become very mean and hurtful. He might be telling your son that this is your fault and trying to manipulate him as well.

I'm glad that he's in therapy and hopefully that will help. Try to remind him that his dad is SICK and that is was not a healthy environment for either one of you. People that are sick need to get treatment and he was not willing to do so. Try not to badmouth him, though, because it's still his dad.

Keep coming back and hang in there. You are not alone.
Hugs
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:37 PM
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You will find so much operationally useful truth here,
but more importantly ---- people who understand this
mysterious & destructive affliction.
Anyone with a healthy psyche is going to naturally
drift toward the question --- what did I do wrong?
You didn't do ANYTHING wrong.And from what you've
related---- you have done alot of things right.
SR is a force multiplier to assist you in continuing
to make healthy decisions for you and your family.

I proposed changing the site name from SR to
"decisionator".......or "decisions-R-us" but was inexplicably
turned down!
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Old 06-13-2013, 04:27 PM
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Welcome Papillion.

I know it must be painful to watch your son struggling with all the changes happening. When parents separate it is often hard on the kids, regardless of addiction issues... Its wonderful that he is in counseling and enjoys attending the sessions. This is going to benefit him so much in the long run. Possibly, some of the distance between you may just be caused by his age right now – preteen? I know it is tempting to think if the family all got back together under the same roof it would maybe help him, but unless there is a change in the actual structures of the relationship with your husband, then I would think it would only end up in an unhappy situation again… for everyone.

If your husband is still in active addiction, then it would appear nothing has changed in the past 12 years. Has your husband talked to his doctor? Had any medical treatment or therapy? Made any positive changes in how he handles life? My husband was also a highly functional user of prescription pain meds. We separated while he was actively using. That time apart was very difficult, but it also allowed me to learn a lot about myself, and grow as a person. Fortunately, my husband did ask for help, went into therapy. I wish I had done it sooner, but at that point I started seeing a therapist also. It was very helpful to me in dealing with my feelings, events of the past, learning about addiction, and defining what I wanted for my life. So I always suggest this to others. In the stickys at the top of the forum there are some links to sites like National Institute of Drug Abuse, the Addiction series by HBO. These sites also have a lot of information related to prevention of drug abuse in regards to children. Due to my husbands past issues, I find myself soaking up all this info.

Very sorry your situation brought you to SR, but there is a lot of information here & I hope you find it a source of support and encouragement. (There is also a forum here for parenting /addiction issues).
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Old 06-13-2013, 05:11 PM
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I don't know how to respond individually to each post so I'm addressing you here:

densobersoul,
Thank you for your insight about your mom and how her trying to fix things actually made it harder for you. It's important for me to hear things like that. It helps me keep my head straight.
faithlove,
It's so refreshing to hear the support of a mom in similar shoes. Thank you. Yes, I believe his father still uses on a daily basis. He spends the time he does with him because he wants to. When I suggest otherwise, it hurts him deeply and I NEVER want to come between he and his father (unless it's a safety issue and there hasn't been one since we separated). It's such a blurred line, really, and it changes daily. I am usually trying to gauge myself somewhere between hyper-sensitive and clear thinking without projecting all of my triggers onto my son. It's so hard.
Thanks, too for the book suggestions. I'll eat them up.
And thanks for the supportive, kind words. This forum is amazing. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I already feel like I have a cyber crew of understanding. It feels really good.
sara21,
Thank you for reaffirming my position and for reminding me to keep it clean with my son. I work really hard never to badmouth his father. My own mother taught me that. She had plenty of reason to, but never tore my father down. I imagine my life otherwise and how much more difficult things would be and would have been for me. Thanks again.
vale,
Thank you for the encouragement. I completely understand what you mean already! In such a short time I feel so understood and cared for. Thank you for taking the time to connect.
allforcnm,
Your insight about my relationship with my son is so helpful. You are probable correct in sensing that it has a lot to do with his age. Because of my history with my husband, I can't help but think it has everything to do with that. It's helpful to think that he's struggling as a preteen, in general, and that the support he is getting will help to see him through.
My husband continues to deny any addiction, to this day. This makes me very sad, mostly for him because he is a kind, gentle, loving person aside from his addiction. I am happy to hear that your husband sought help. That is so courageous and strong. It makes me smile to think about the both of you working working towards something healthy together.
Finally, thanks for the suggestions about the stickies and websites. I most definitely will check them out.

You are all so wonderful and I feel so blessed to have found you and to be a part of such an incredible community.

Much love.
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:34 PM
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Have you had counseling for yourself, pappillon? You haven't mentioned it here. If not, is there a reason you haven't sought out a therapist?

You are unfortunately still, after all this time, extremely vulnerable to your addict husband's control of your thinking. And without help, you will continue to be. It is very difficult to maintain good mental health when an addict with an agenda is working on our psyche, pressuring us to feel sympathy for him, deflecting blame on us for the problems his refusal to get clean caused, using our children as emotional blackmail, pretending to be a moral person when he lies and abuses his responsibilities as an adult and a parent, abandons the marriage, and, from a distance, continues to create crisis and trauma in those family members who are suffering because HE LOVES DRUGS.

A good counselor can give you some objectivity about this mind-f*** you have been a part of. You can learn to value yourself and trust your decisions better. You can stop taking on unearned guilt. Life with an addict messes us up. And we rarely get better without outside help.

I truly hope you will find a very good counselor and stick with weekly counseling for a minimum of one year. As is written in Al-Anon literature: "our thinking becomes distorted." And the tragedy, in my opinion, is that the addict has such mental power over his loved ones, that he actually causes them to believe that they--not he--are the failures.
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:04 AM
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English Garden,
The thought of going to individual therapy has been popping up for me a lot lately. Thanks for reaffirming it. I'm calling today.
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:59 AM
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Good for you!
EG is right, sometimes we need to seek
professional help to untangle ourselves
from the spiderweb of lies and deceipt.
Make no mistake about it, though,
spiders don't like their webs destroyed!
Expect some blowback.It is in your power
to seek counseling---- a close in professional
who can easily see patterns that might be
translucent to us as we are too close and
emotionally compromised.
The next time you find yourself abused
by an addict-----told directly or by
proxy that ANY of this is YOUR fault......I want
you to run outside, look up, and say:

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT AND THE SKY IS GREEN!

.......then you will have said two things of
equal (and nonexistent) veracity.Two lies, as
it were.Both equally incorrect.

If by chance the sky IS green .....then I guess it
IS your fault...

.......but I wouldn't hold my breath on that one!
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:35 AM
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Quote:Make no mistake about it, though,
spiders don't like their webs destroyed!
Expect some blowback.

This is so true. I experience this on the daily when I refuse his money, refuse his guilt trip and his pleas to bring us back together. It has been a year and a half and his persistence is the same as it was on the first day. I wonder HOW that can be. I wonder WHY he wont move on. It's scary to me, sometimes, when I think about his devotion to it. I wonder if he will ever leave me alone.

I like the idea of the double negative!

Thanks vale.
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:39 AM
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Papillon
Welcome to SR.....as you have seen by the responses above, this is a wonderful forum with supportive people who understand what you're going through.......you are not alone.

I'm glad to hear that you are looking into counseling. Individual counseling and meetings are wonderful tools to keep yourself healthy. Unfortunately, active addicts use some pretty powerful tools to keep us off balance. Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG).....the things he says are employing those tools and manipulating those feelings. It can really mess up our owning thinking by putting us into a FOG. We begin to react based upon those feelings and often make poor decisions as a result.

You've done an incredible job of taking care of yourself and your son thus far. You, your son and his father will be in my prayers.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:46 AM
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Originally Posted by papillon75 View Post
Quote:Make no mistake about it, though,
spiders don't like their webs destroyed!
Expect some blowback.

This is so true. I experience this on the daily when I refuse his money, refuse his guilt trip and his pleas to bring us back together. It has been a year and a half and his persistence is the same as it was on the first day. I wonder HOW that can be. I wonder WHY he wont move on. It's scary to me, sometimes, when I think about his devotion to it. I wonder if he will ever leave me alone.

I like the idea of the double negative!

Thanks vale.
I left my AXH (addicted ex husband) 30 years ago. He is still in active addiction. He still blames me for all of his life's problems. He is still stuck in anger, resentment and self loathing. To be able to exist, he has to deflect some of that somewhere......I have compassion for him. But I know it's not my fault. He is an addict. I pray that he will find sobriety someday........because that's a really lousy way to live an entire life.

Just as it was not in my control to create all of my XAH's problems......it's not in my control to fix them.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-14-2013, 06:22 AM
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Quote: Just as it was not in my control to create all of my XAH's problems......it's not in my control to fix them.

These are the kinds of words that I need to remember.
Thank you, Kindeyes, for the warm welcome and the encouraging support.
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:13 PM
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"beyond economic repair" is a concept
of some utility w.r.t. addiction.
Let's say you have a wreck in some
sort of vehicle. After it is established that
noone is hurt, next item on the agenda is
getting the vehicle back in order.
But what if the extensive repairs cost
MORE than a new vehicle? Does it make sense
to pour such a huge amount of effort/money/
time into an older vehicle?
No, it doesn't. Anyone who deals with anything
that drives or floats or flies will tell you that.
(we're not talking about restoring a '66
Mustang for love here---we're talking straight
utilitarian transportation)
I'm a parent. A dad. Nothing frightens me more
than having some emotional vampire latch onto one of
my kids and suck the energy out of them that they
NEED to achieve a nice foothold in the world.
Do you know why? 'Cuz you never get it back
in any way, shape, or form.It's just gone. No "long
suffering codependent lottery" payoff. The codependent
lottery stands ALONE in the long odds department!
(you buy expensive tickets and there is NEVER a winner)

-----who in their right mind would play such
a lottery?!?!?

(I did)

With so many good, decent, wonderful, accomplished
undamaged people out there....many of them looking for the
same>>>>>>>>>why would you go to the junkyard and
try to "fix up" a 1991 Yugo?

Can it be done? Yes.

But why?

The thing to remember,Papillon,is that you are going to
get through this.......hopefully with as few lottery tickets
in the trash as possible.

(I'd throw in a raft made of coconuts here----- but
noone would remember what the old guy was talking about)
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:45 PM
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Vale,
Your analogy makes perfect sense and I couldn't agree more. To tell you the truth, I think I'd prefer the coconut raft.
Sometimes, I feel frantic, running circles around my son in a desperate attempt to protect him. It becomes exhausting. Joining this forum has really made a difference in my perspective (and in such a short time). Hearing from the members here keeps my head straight and, honestly, I feel as if I have more energy to keep up the good fight.
And so, I thank you....again and again.
No junkyard for me.
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