scared to death

Old 06-11-2013, 07:33 PM
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scared to death

I have posted other another thread about my husband being on suboxune and having fits of rage. He has been on it now for 3 months and during these three months left and stayed with his mother 3 times. This time I stood my ground. He came home yesterday morning with a list of crazy demands of me wanting to quit my job because he insecure and he had talked with his mother and she agreed that my job is too stressful for him and it makes him unhappy. I own a bar. I have owned it for 11 years. There have been a few occasions while he was using that i have been very upset and he has said some horrid things to me while being at work and i decided to drink to forget about it I guess. I don't drink very often, so, no i am not an alcholic. i can count the times on my hand in the last 6 months that I have drank and most of them have been enduced by me being upset, which I realize isn't right, however, call it what it is, we drink to feel different. everyone does. Anytime that i have ever drank even a sip of something my husband get enraged with me, leaves goes on 4 day binges in hotel rooms. Basically, turns the tables on me just to have an excuse. After he finally went on suboxune, and started taking the steps in his life to make it better on his own, I made the decision for us and him that i could never have a drink again. He needed me to be sober. So since that day I have not drank. Things had actually been going extremely well, he went back to work, he was handing me his paychecks, i wasn't stressing over money, i was taking time off of work to be home more, and started finally setting goals to maybe stop bartending and just manage things and maybe get a different day job or something that he didn't have to worry about me going to work, getting hit on, drinking, just all these insecurities that go along w being in that siuation. It's not easy to be with someone that gets hit on constantly.

Durning this time on suboxune he makes new excuses to get get angry with me and rage and leave and go to his moms. She never sends him away. And after he went to his moms for a few days and came home i took him back in as if nothing happened. not letting him be accountable for his rage or leaving. After all, he wasn't using. I made him be accountable when he was, let him lose his car, stopped bailing him out, stopped paying his bills, and then, he finally one day, on his own, went to the doctor and got on suboxune. after i stopped enabling him and started to hold him accountable. For some reason while he was on suboxune i stopped doing that. maybe i was afraid that he would relapse. But this time i decided that his rage on suboxune with or without using was unacceptable expesically when i was doing nothing wrong myself and taking time off work. I wrote him a letter asking him to please stop going to his mothers everytime we have a fight and to please stop treating me the way he does when he gets angry or is feeling withdrawls. I thought maybe he would think about this and maybe say he was sorry and that he would work on it and he knew it was wrong. instead he packed his bags and left cuz he didn't want to hear what i had to say. I was putting him down in his eyes and he is such a horrid person, then he will leave and blah blah blah.

So last Thursday he went to his moms. He came over with his unreasonable list of demands about quitting my job and other crazy things and that he would not come home until this list changes. The fight had nothing to do with my job. My job hadn't been brought up in months. But he twisted it into that and now in order for him to come home, help me with bills, and so forth, i had to quit my job and in the mean time, he was going to stay living with his parents until i did all of these things. Well, I stood my ground and said no. he kept texting and over and over again saying i didn't love him if i didn't do this for him and he is insecure and needs this from me. Now, I said to him, you come home, stop leaving every time we fight. Give me the security that you are not gonna up and leave all the time, pay the bills on time, and I will more that happily take the steps toward getting out of the bar, but he has to come home and start acting like he is married and stop running off to his moms every time. he did not agree to this and wanted it his way. i refused to allow him to manipulate me and stood my ground.

Well, today he relapsed. His mother called me crying and upset and of course he called me crying saying that she accused him of being on drugs and he wasn't and he needed to come home. i knew immediately from his voice he was using. I talked with his mom and she doesn't know what to do and she had stories he had told her that were crazy untrue. I told her that she should of called me when he got there knowing that he is an addict and told him to go home in the first place and taking him in wasn't helping him whatsoever and that our communication about his addiction has to open at all times or he will never get better. She said that if he didn't have a problem that she would of sent him home to deal with his wife, but because he does she wants him safe with her.

After a long conversation she asked me to please let him come home and sleep it off for the saftey of others on the road. i agreed to let him come home. i took my daugther to her fathers, called off of work and his mother has agreed not to let him play both sides again. progress. After he wakes up they are both coming over to talk with him. They said to call them as soon as he wakes up so he cannot leave again.

I feel like if they never would of let him back home in the first place, he wouldn't have relapsed. What do i do or say to him when he wakes up? I really need help with this and with what to talk with his parents about. Tough love is hard to do when you are a parent.

Hope i get some responses before he wakes up.
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:45 PM
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What if neither you or his mother coddled him and gave him a soft place to land? Perhaps then he would have to man up and take his recovery seriously. And, I doubt if this is a relapse, sounds like he has been using most of the time but just got caught.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:34 PM
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Idk whether or not he has been using. I have suspected it because of his pupils, but not his behavior at that time. He has not been acting like he is on drugs. He has been violent of sub, but during those times his pupils were not pins. Also, he hands me his paychecks and i monitor every single penny that goes in and out of the bank. I make him use the debit card and give him no cash whatsoever. no money has been missing whatsoever in 3 months up until this week when he wiped out the account that i allowed him access to. And I am not giving him a place to lay his head and mothering him. I have been doing completely the opposite. I used to pay his bills and fix his problems. Now, I let him do so on his own. If he doesn't then he is accountable for those things. Before he chose to get on suboxune, i let his car get repoed and did nothing to help. i had the money. I could of helped. He makes over a hundred grand a year. He had the money. Wanted me to do it for him. i refused. The only reason that I have allowed him to come home at this time is because his parents asked me to so he wasnt driving around and being a threat to someone else. As soon as he wakes up, they are coming here so he can stop playing all of us
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Old 06-11-2013, 09:21 PM
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I think your doing the right thing trying to get on the same page with his parents. United front would be best to show strength. I think you have done well so far from all that's been shared here. If he is trying to end his drug use then I believe family needs to support recovery attempts (at whatever level all of you feel comfortable with). If it were my husband, I would be pushing for him to see his doctor immediately, to be honest about what is going on, and I would want him to agree to follow the advice of the doctor. Hopefully this would include some counseling / therapy for his emotional issues (like problems with coping, anger, and the drug issues), and possibly outpatient, inpatient treatment. I would want to see some willingness, and then action put behind it. Sending you good thoughts. Stay strong.
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Old 06-11-2013, 09:58 PM
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Whether he’s using or not really doesn’t matter. Is his raging and demands acceptable behavior and something you want yourself and your children to live with? Of course not. Also, the extreme jealousy to the point where he wants you to quit your job (becoming more dependent on him) is also a concern. Can you make some changes moving forward to get yourself in a position where you are not dependent on his income at all?

Being scared to death is no way to live.
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:08 PM
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I have never been dependent on his income. I have always taken care of my family myself. I have been single for 6 years and took care of my three children with no problems and no child support. I can do that again by simply working more. He drug use got me behind on some of the bills. Nothing major that one paycheck of his could not fix, but I do not want to start a life without him in debt. I am not dependent on him. It was nice to not work so much sometimes and have more time with my kiddies, but I could work as much as I want and pay bills just fine without him to take care of also. And what I am scared to death about is his parents. I don't know how to talk with them and explain to his mother that by taking him in she is enabling him. Hard to tell a mother that. It was hard for me as his wife to realize that I was enabling him at times and to stop doing so. And I do go to therapy. Trying Al anon, but it's a little to Godly for me at times.
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:10 PM
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as far as therapy for him, he says the meetings make him want to use. Hearing about drugs makes him what drugs. What do you guys think about this??? Is this just an excuse?
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:33 PM
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Hard to deal with inlaws on this subject in particular. I didn't have that problem as my husbands parents shut him out immediately, and they had no contact while he was actively using. Took his mom many months after he went through rehab and all that for her to reach out to him again. I had my own issues with her behavior, but knew that she had to take things in her own time. So, I can only wish you luck with the parents.

In my post I was not talking about NA meetings. I was talking about 1:1 professional therapy, so he can really dig into his issues. I cant tell you what is in your husbands mind about "meetings" but I do know that it was not a route my husband wanted to take because yes, he felt it was not healthy for his mentality; constant reinforcement of addiction, he felt it would make him feel stuck. He used rehab based on private therapy and then continued with a Dr. when he came home. It worked out well for him so far (just over a year clean). I worked with a private therapist too; she was an incredible help to me. Glad to hear you have that support.
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:52 PM
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I don't want it to be a power struggle between them and I. I want us to work together and both of what we say and agree to as a family be what is done for him. He was living with them once before several years ago and he was on suboxune and once he got off, relapsed. his mom paid all of his bills, did his laundry and gave him gas cards and an allowance. That worked for awhile until he would open a window and climb through it. She wants me to hide all money from him and give him nothing and no responsbilites. I disagree. Treating him like a child has never done him any good. It was only until I gave him responsibilites besides work, that he chose on his own to get on the suboxune and start the process once again of sobriety. it is so hard to tell her that she shouldn't of babied him like that. And, btw, his parents have not really done any research on drug addiction. They love him, got him on suboxune, got him attorneys but have no taken the steps necessary as a family member to research the disease and get therapy for themselves.
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Old 06-12-2013, 12:07 AM
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Just a side note to go with the topic of subs. If you haven't heard of it, do some research on Naltrexone (aka. Vivitrol) that can be used AFTER a detox. My husband used it for two months after his detox, and he felt it was very helpful.
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Old 06-12-2013, 06:23 AM
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I don't want to put a damper on all of this, BUT it sounds like y'all are going to try and 'intervention' and it sounds like none of you are on the same page, and he does know how to manipulate all of you.

He is telling you who he is, BELIEVE him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? If not, then go for a trial separation, no he cannot come to your house, no he cannot talk to you and the kids. Set a time limit, like one year (yes that seems like a long time but it will take a year, no matter what 'program' he uses for him to get the cobwebs, fog, and mush from his brain and start working on him) to see what his ACTIONS are, not his words, but his ACTIONS.

Oh, and btw, this applies to you also. Let your ACTIONS be what you say, "walk the way you talk."

Trying Al anon, but it's a little to Godly for me at times.
Try about 6 'different' meetings to see which ones fit you better than others. As to the 'Godly' thing, some folks do use a 'Christian' God, however, the program itself is a Spiritual' program, and nothing to do with religion. You Higher Power can be whatever you choose. ie the Universe, Mother Nature, etc

If Alanon turns our to be not for you, check into getting yourself some private one on one counseling so you too can work on you.

It is absolutely your right to have a 'toxic' free home.

It is alright to have your personal boundary be: "I will not live with nor associate with anyone in active addiction or in the first year of recovery. I will not allow toxic people into my life."

It is okay to tell him your personal boundary or not. That is up to you. The boundary is for YOU.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you and your whole family. I will ask Great Spirit to guide you and his parents in this meeting y'all are about to have.

Love and hugs,
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