blueholly

I dont know why I am surprised any more....
I have been feeling like I have been screwed over financially lately. My AH and I own a business. And needless to say it is booming. Things have been going down hill the past year or so because of his using. But, as of may 16 he had brought in over 69000 just that month. I know this because I still had the pass words to the accounts until about a week ago when he locked me out.
Anyway, I also know that he writes EVERYTHING and I mean everything off. So he convinced a judge that he was broke. So i get $600 in childsupport for 2 kids.

Are you freaking kidding me?? I know where he spends his money. He blows it on guns and everything else and I get screwed...

And then I find out last night. He has been a regular at the strip club. We live in a very small town. The strip club is by no means "upper class" (not like any are) But I have known for years that you can basically pay for anything you want. Or just take home the 2 bit wh*res for free. I use to work with a girl who worked as a bar tender there.

And I am upset why? I don't know... I thought I was over him. I know I shouldn't be shocked. And here stupid me, WAS wearing my wedding ring till the divorce was final. I guess just out of respect for our marriage. HAH! I don't know what I was thinking! Why should I have respect for our marriage when he surely hasn't all along.

I don't know why this is such a shock. I thought that I was over him. I thought I was past this point. I cried until 1 am last night then woke up at 5am and cried some more. I am kinda mad at myself that this has upset me so much. I guess I thought I was doing better than this....

And really it's not about the money. I know that I can take care of these kids bymyself. I am not afraid of work. I just am so mad that he is still lying AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT!!

Thanks for the vent....

EverHopeful721

Don't beat yourself up too much, blueholly. It's perfectly understandable that you'd be upset. I was feeling similarly last week and said the same thing to my therapist, that I felt I was sliding back a bit and didn't know why. And he explained that it's normal to go back and forth, that it isn't always possible to constantly move forward with no steps back. Remember - progress not perfection, right? Hang in there - you're doing great.

zoso77

What is he really getting away with though? He's killing himself a little bit every time he uses. And as long as he stays on that road, he's on a road to ruin. And things have a way of catching up to people.

Right now, you're stung because he's not being held accoutable for his various misdeeds. You have to let that go. Otherwise, you stay stuck...

ZoSo

DG0409

Sometimes I think it's like being the wheel on the bicycle. The wheel feels like it's just going in circles, but it's actually moving forward.

The fact that it takes you by surprise when you get upset about it goes to show how far you've come with not being upset the rest of the time.

EverHopeful721

^^^Wow, I REALLY like this analogy, DG - it's perfect!! And you're right - the fact that we actually notice being upset shows that we must not be upset all the time (like we were in the beginning), because otherwise we wouldn't notice the difference, we would just constantly be upset and it would always be the same. Thanks so much for sharing this!

AnvilheadII

he sounds like a very empty, selfish person...grabbing madly, wildly for anything to try and fill the gaping sinkhole inside of him. drugs, guns, toys, hookers.....blowing thru cash indiscriminately, yet miserly doling out a pittance to his own children. what a miserable existence....filled with NOTHINGNESS. doesn't sound like much a LIFE to me......certainly nothing to be envied.

blueholly

I do like that response DG thanks.
And anvilhead... you always have such a way with words that makes me feel better

AnvilheadII

i've really perfected that touchy feely thing haven't i???

SoulKat

This is such a good point and I totally agree because I went through those same feelings after my divorce. My ex also convinced a judge he was broke and I held onto the anger for years that he got away with what he got away with. But guess what? He got his in the end. So will your ex. Hang in there, you're doing great and he's not.

blueholly

Yes, you have anvilhead..you make me laugh!
I know I have to let go glasscat... sometimes it is hard... like I kinda feel like that whole nice guy finishes last thing... But I am a firm beliver in what goes around comes around eventually. What you put out will come back....good or bad...
Thank you all! I have been needing a pep talk

Vale

......nice guys finish last, huh?

(nice sound bite, it probably takes in more than a few suckers)

if by 'last' you mean love, wealth, fulfilling life & work, and
not perpetually letting down those who voluntarily (spouse)
and involuntarily (kids) ...placed their bets on you -----
.......then yeah, nice guys finish last.


I feel like SUCH a loser, missing out on the blow, the oxy, the alcohol,
and the skanks! So much so I think I am going to chuck it all and GO FOR IT!

If you need me, I'll be the one Anvil wrote of,madly shoveling---trying
to fill the bottomless sinkhole of despair.

Wish me happy digging!!!

(a former 'nice guy')

AnvilheadII

really wasn't meant to be recruitment propeganda, vale....but hey might as well see how the other half lives!

Vale

......I've seen it.


I visited where she 'lived' once.
Knee deep in debris, filth, garbage, and despair.
It was the last time I ever saw her.

If that was a recruitment video for the joys of addiction and
I was Satan.......I'd fire the producer.

blueholly

your right vale...

...I don't want to be there...
you are exactly right.... He can have his money and buy his guns and drugs and whores. I have my kids and life is good! I don't ever want to go back! And that is exactly why I left. I was NOT going to live in his drug scum any longer...and let him drag me further into hell. I have seen hell. It's not cool there..
Thanks for the pep talk

Vale

blueholly wrote:

>>>>>>I have seen hell. It's not cool there..<<<<<<<<<
============================================
true, but the guns/drugs/whores I am told are to die for! (pardon pun)

On second thought, I think I'll call my travel agent and abort on the
'south side' adventure..........it seems a bit pricey for the paltry
benefits promised.

I'm sure it's a great place and all.....

AnvilheadII

i took that excursion....trust me it ain't like the brochure!!!

ya know what one of the coolest things about our house??? the 3 big front windows that look out over the lake....NO curtains. in the 6+ years we've lived here. they've never been shuttered, we've never tried to barricade ourselves in, repelled by the light of the day - I remember being back at the beach house, in the middle of summer, daytime, all doors and windows shut and locked, hiding out, smoking crack. it had to be 90 degrees INSIDE, no air, not a single ray of sun....a beach house, looking out over the sound, the Olympic mountains, humans out for a stroll, an absolutely perfect day....for them. and at that time, we wanted nothing to do with it....the rocks on the plate were all that mattered.

yeah blueholly, hell is not cool, not cool at all.

Katiekate

:bounce

zoso77

BlueHolly, when you think of your AXH, do this:



ZoSo

EverHopeful721

You know, all this talk about hell and the devil makes me think of something my XA said to me the last night I saw him.... He was in the process of kicking me out, after he had asked me to come over in the middle of the night [because he wanted sex, of course] and wouldn't even agree to let me sleep on his couch (most likely because he wanted to continue to use coke without me being witness to it). So he started screaming at me to get the f*** out of his house, and what didn't I understand about the fact that he just wanted to be alone and didn't want anyone there when he woke up in the morning. And when I just stood there, dumbfounded and staring at him, silently begging for an explanation as to why he was doing the exact thing he had told me a year earlier that he never wanted to do to me, he started yelling, "YES!! I'm an a**hole, I'm a c***sucker. If you wanna hate my guts, then go ahead and HATE my f*ckin' guts! Okay?? MAY I BURN IN HELL FOR DOING THIS TO YOU!!" And I said, "I'm not saying ANY of that to you, calling you ANY of those things - YOU are!! YOU'RE saying it about YOURSELF!!"

Now when I look back, I see that whenever he was treating me really badly, he would say stuff like that about himself, almost like it excused it....like if he admitted he was hurting me, then that made it okay, ya know? So weeks later, after he dumped me with a lovely text message, I was telling my brother (his former best friend) what he had said that last night, about burning in hell. And my brother, who was furious at that point (because he had just learned about some of the stuff that I had been 'hiding' from everyone - yeah I know, red flag, lol) said, "Yeah, he IS going to burn in hell for treating you like this. You know, I hope he likes sitting all alone with that devil every night - he'd better get used to it!"

I have to admit, it really bothered me that my brother said that....partly because they are pretty harsh words, but mostly because I fear that he's right. I can see that C is in his own private hell on Earth, and I fear he is just going to keep using and getting worse....until he kills himself. And it breaks my heart. Believe me, even after everything that's happened, if I thought I could do something to help him, to save him, I would absolutely do it - in a heartbeat. But I know there's nothing I can do, even if he would LET me, which he won't.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a downer here. I just wanted to chime in on the whole 'hell' thing....I just think it's so terribly sad that they choose to live in that hell on earth and keep company with those devils. And as much as we want to - TRY to - pull them out of that hell, WE JUST CAN'T. All we can do is hopefully save ourselves, before we get burned too badly or consumed by the flames. *sigh* Yeah, definitely NOT cool....

Vale

EH721 wrote:

>>>>>>>>>And as much as we want to - TRY to - pull them out of that hell, WE JUST CAN'T. All we can do is hopefully save ourselves, before we get burned too badly or consumed by the flames.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

How come you can say in 2 sentences what it takes me paragraphs & paragraphs
of useless blabber to get out?