KKE

Forgot to ask, Did you try and organise going out with your friends in the end? How long did you manage NC for?

fire2therain

I realize now he was just using me for my car to get around with his friends and for someone to pass time with. He told me today that he didnt want to hook up he wanted to "go with the flow". I think I've hit bottom. I go on vacation tomorrow for a week and right when I go back he goes on vacation. I'm going to try and not contact him for those whole two weeks. Then do another etc. I realize that I was addicted to trying to "fix" someone.

Of course ill wonder if he's gonna contact me but I'm going to not care. It's sad but he has destroyed my self esteem and I need to get it back for me.

LoveMeNow

I am sorry you are hurting but I have to be honest with you. He did not destroy your self esteem. Blaming him is not going to help You. I hope you start working on you and take responsibility for your own choices.

zoso77

Kid, this simply isn't true.

You came to us three weeks ago with your issues, and as is your right, you followed your own path when most of us told you to get the hell out of there. So, my post isn't a "I told you so". What it is is pointing out that in order for you to recover, you need to be honest with yourself about the role you played. Your statement above is scapegoating a sick person because you're not yet ready to assume responsibility for your own choices.

And truth be told, maybe this had to happen. I'm certainly guilty of doing what you did, meaning not paying attention to what I knew deep down to be true. It's certainly within your power to stop this.

That is, if you want to.

ZoSo

fire2therain

Maybe I should've worded that better-I allowed him to destroy my self esteem. I'm not trying to blame a sick person with how I feel. I feel this way because I choose to and I am fully aware of that. I was told by everyone to just let go and work on myself and my issues so I just feel stupid now. I don't wnt anyone to feel sorry for me this is all my doing I'm just venting.

sleepy22

Hey now, it's okay to 'relapse.' Most of us here are in "recovery" ourselves from our qualifiers, so don't beat yourself too bad. Yes, everyone I know told me "this is going to end poorly" but I was so "in love" and "going to prove everyone wrong!" that I really tried to do exactly that. I put 100% effort into it.

None of them are saying "I told you so" now that I've been beat down, am humble and ashamed, and have my tail between my legs. But once that occurred, I'm more keen on listening now.

You'll be fine in the long run if you keep coming back and keep working on yourself.

Try to understand everyone's coming from a good place, with plenty of experience to back them. In the end, it's our mistakes that forced us to open our eyes. Keep positive.

KKE

I really believe that sometimes we have to learn the lessons ourselves and sometimes the more people say "leave him" etc the more more ....well we don't! It's a really difficult thing to do.

I reckon the baby steps and mini targets for NC might work well for you. Hope it does :-)

fire2therain

I'm attending my first nar-anon meeting today with a family member. I also bought the book codependent no more and I'm really going to try and focus on myself.

Fandy

If you are learning this now, i think you will make better choices in future relationships. You will be able to spot the phony self-centered men and recognize true friendship, connections, love.
We all like the *spark* and excitement of connecting with someone physically and emotionally, but some people are not honest as your xbf..he hid his drug addictions from you and never once considered how this was harmful for you and the consequences of his actions.
...6 months from now you will Be so far ahead of him and shake your head at his stagnant garbage...and if he keeps relapsing on whatever or new drugs...he will still be sitting in his bedroom with mommy and daddy until they get sick of his lies too.