fire2therain

Carlotta I think I will make better decisions in the future. He doesn't want to continue with me so I can forget about him. I know that asking for second chance was a mistake and all i can do now is try and surround myself with good family and friends and move on I guess.

nytepassion

So you feel you took 200000 steps backwards. You are not alone. I am sure plenty of us on here have felt the same way at one time or another.

It isn't anything that you can't redeem, by getting up, dusting yourself off and taking a couple steps forward. It may be hard, but don't look back. I can guarantee if you do and you go back with him what you feel today will be nothing compared to the pain and sickness you will feel if you continue in this relationship.

If you can find an al-anon meeting in your area it would be so helpful to you right now. Take time to read about codependency, enabling, detaching with love. Those are the things that will help you move forward in the right direction.

Everybody falls on their bottom in the beginning, but that doesn't mean you have to stay down. Like I said, get up, dust yourself off and keep moving toward a healthier, happier you. That may seem unattainable right this minute, but I promise if you do the footwork you'll get there.

Hugs,
Passion

allforcnm

Don't be too hard on yourself. All of this began something like 72 hours ago, so let your emotions settle. If you still have guilt over telling his parents, maybe that is why you made the comment to him? But I think you know coming forward was the right thing to do. Things were going South... This just isnt the relationship you need in your life. In time Im sure there will be lessons learned, and it will be a benefit to you in ways that you cant even imagine right now. We all live and learn. I think just like you said, lean on your family and friends. It sounds like you have a great support system ! Breakups hurt but your going to be ok.

Nowell

Where's the compassion from some of you? Try not to forget how you felt when you were in her shoes. The last thing I needed was someone else making me feel bad about myself or how I was handing it, when I was there. I've been in your shoes, fire2therain. My fiancé relapsed after being sober for 10 years. I have almost 7 myself and despite what I know from my own experience, what I've heard from others in recovery, AND in Alanon, what WE are experiencing is not easy. It's confusing, it's sad, and its scary. It's tragic. My experience has shook me to my core. Please feel free to reach out to me. I think WE could help one another. Keep coming back

zoso77

I believe, by and large, we are a compassionate bunch on this board. More importantly, we are an empathetic bunch and recognize the conflicted and confusing emotions that Fire2therain must be feeling.

She's going to have to find her own way, and we'll all be here when she does.

ZoSo

allforcnm

Yes, Compassion for those suffering with addiction, for the family and friends who love them. Acknowledgment that the choices we face on both sides are often challenging, confusing, overwhelming, and sometimes just sad.

fire2therain

I realize that sometimes the truth hurts. I know that when my friends go through a breakup I'm empathetic but I definitely do not sugarcoat things. I think that's what's being done here--at least I hope.

I definitely need some help. I have borderline personality disorder and take these things much more personally than I have to. That's why I've called my therapist back after months of not going (because I was with my exabf instead) and I'm going to try and focus on myself.

We have been talking a little bit but I said this morning that I will talk to him soon and ended things at that. I don't think he will contact me again. I have a hard time with letting go and I have major abandonment issues. I just want this to go away. I'm still praying for him but I know that I need to start no contact and try my hardest to keep it that way.

Every time I think about him, I try and distract my mind with something else. I either pray or turn the tv station to something new. I haven't cried as much as I thought I was going to. I almost wish I could cry.

fire2therain

There are some codependent anonymous meetings in my area and I'm thinking about going. This is not the first time i was a codependent in a relationship--I was like this with my alcoholic former best friend too until I broke away from her crazy behavior.

I'm doing okay today. I'm just trying to take it day by day. I unfortunately had to start over my NC clock today but that's okay. Slip ups happen and I know there will come a day when I don't NEED to talk to him.

Although he is clean now, it does not mean he's sober. He was only in the hospital for a week for detox then went home. I just have to remember how he started treating me when he got his freedom back from his family a couple of weeks ago. He wouldn't call/text/answer me when out with friends and would even go as far as ditching me and turning his phone off. I really don't need that in my life

allforcnm

Keep taking it one day at a time and you will move through the range of emotions that happen after a breakup. Sounds like you have some good plans in place; returning to see your therapist, examining patterns in your life, looking into Codependent Anonymous meetings that might help you sort it out, and leaning on family and friends. All good things.

I think your focus is good; its not about his recovery from drug use; its about the way he was treating you for those few weeks. Its about defining how you want to be treated and knowing what you expect from a relationship. But don't forget that you recognized the behaviors that happened with your ex best friend, and now your ex BF. Give yourself credit for this. You got out of both relationships.

lilyB2013

Walk away right now. 4 months is a loss of time... you don't need to make it 6 months or worse yet, a year of pain and deception.

He's calling you names because he's been found out-- he's verbally abusing you to cover for the fact that he's being faced with consequences. You did the right thing absolutely-- his family needs to know. How he reacts is how he reacts, don't let it sink in and hurt you.

fire2therain

Anyways. We have been talking and reconciliation has been brought up twice and he says no but he's still going alone to the movies etc with me and calling me just to see how him doing. Thoughts? Should I keep trying? I really love him and don't want this to end. And I know you all will say to stop but I just want this to work.

KKE

When my partner was using drugs he would often make up and break up with me. When he left he would often phone me and start huge arguments with me and scream horrible things at me. This would go on for ages. He would put the phone down, call again, scream, put the phone down, call again etc. of course I'd keep picking up. Then when I did stop,picking up, usually an hour or so later I'd get the texts "I'm sorry" and "you're too good for me". It always tied in with when the drugs were wearing off (angry) and when he'd managed to get more (the apologies). All that erratic behaviour did my head in so badly.

I haven't got a moral to the story or anything. Just made me think of how it could be for me at times and wanted to share it with you.

fire2therain

We were supposed to go to the movies today then he said he had to do stuff with his family. I feel like he's just toying with me because he knows I still have feelings for him. I know you all say run away and leave him behind I just feel like it's not done.

KKE

Sorry I'm probably being thick and you've probably said but has he said he wants to make another go of it? Or do you feel like its not done because you don't want it to be done?

Vale

fire2therain,

It DOES hurt. We DO understand.
SR will always be here when you need it.

fire2therain

He said he didn't know then he said no because he felt betrayed by me. But he still texts me (I admit I text him first a lot) but he also has called just to talk. That's why I'm confused.

fire2therain

He also keeps saying how were gonna be friends still and that he does care about me.

cynical one

At this point you've only invested a few months into this relationship and could walk away with an ouch.

He is now toying with your emotions.

The more you invest your time, your feelings, your heart...the more you will want a return on your investment. And instead of an ouch...it could be a life-altering hurt.

Choose wisely.

zoso77

Read carefully.

An addict in active addiction does not care about other people. This man does not care about you or anyone. What he cares about is satisfying his wants, his needs, even when his wants and needs are things that kill him a little bit each time.

If you allow yourself to live in denial regarding how pernicious addiction is and what it does, you will continue to be hurt by a sick person. And that is your choice, really.

Your issues right now have nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. You have resources available at your fingertips here, if you choose to open your eyes and mind and use them. No one can make you do that, kid.

My hope for you is that you wise up to what you're up against and start doing the things that are best for you. And although you don't want to hear it, what is best for you is a life without him.

Pardon my bluntness.

ZoSo

allforcnm

What happened with the subs? Did he get himself back on his treatment plan?

Why do you think he is toying with you? is it because you expect more of his time and attention than your getting? Because he hasn't wanted to redefine the relationship as BF/GF?

He hurt you by lying and blowing you off while he was wobbling in his recovery. It's important that you realize your feelings are important, and while it's ok for him to express he feels betrayed that you told his parents (although it had been discussed and was part of the overall agreement between you). Does he acknowledge his behavior towards you was poor during that time? Is he taking responsibility for his actions, and understanding it's important to respect his GF feelings too?

Maybe it is a good thing to slow down a bit. Take a step back and see how it all goes. If he is working on his recovery then it's often an emotional time; ups and downs. If he is not and is just waiting for the opportunity to use again, then this will show itself before long.

And going back in your posts, you said at one point you realized that you had been neglecting yourself because of the focus on him. Take this time to find balance, and strengthen yourself again. If you still want to check in with your therapist for example, spending time with other friends, thinking about the dynamics of relationships and what type of behaviors you expect and want from a partner. Might actually be a great topic to discuss with your girlfriends.

Relationships have to have strong and healthy roots. It's a step that I think shouldn't be overlooked. I see a lot of trust issues between you right now. Don't be afraid to step back, be friends, enjoy time together, and really look at what's going on objectively. You don't have all the answers today.