mereid

Thanks so much for all the great advice and the PM's. Unfortunately I cant respond to PMs because I don't have 5 posts yet....my apologies - not intending to be rude.
Continued...my 19 yr old came out of rehab Friday. I had told him he could not come home to live with me and that I would only support him ( support means help with car insurance/phone/rent until he gets it together) if he went to a sober living home. He was upset at first but agreed and seemed okay with it earlier in the week. He is also on probation facing a bunch of charges and his PO also wants him in a sober living home.
So I picked him up Friday. He certainly talked the talk...but he always has been a smooth talker so while optimistic, I know not to trust his words much. Ill believe his actions.
He had found a sober living home and had an interview so we went. He decided the sober living home was too strict and he needs to go to a different one. He didn't have any lined up but said he would have it worked out by Monday and he headed out for the weekend...to Vermont a few states away to see his aunt (my sister).
He is back in town tonight. He is not at my house because he knows he cant come here....he has not checked into any sober living facitlity....he also has not called...
He has no cash, maybe a couple gallons of gas in his car, no place to stay tonight that I know of....and I have no idea what his plan is.
I am really fighting the urge to try to track him down and get him to do the right thing.
I think what I should do is just let it go and try not to think of it. He is an adult. I have made it clear under what terms I am prepared to help him...he knows I love him...but the rest is up to him now....RIGHT??? Why is this so hard?????

lizwig

Yes Mereid...it is hard. I think your boundaries are more than fair. If you start making allowances he'll take that to mean none of them matter. Our young adults are much more resilient than we think. Couch surfing is no big deal to them. He likely is aware you are anxious. It will be interesting to see what he works out for himself. I think he will quickly learn most sober living environs have strict rules. They have to. Good gracious can you imagine soft rules with that lot!! I think you've taken a thoughtful approach to this. As you know there are no guarantees but your reaching out for support is a huge step in the right direction. Big hug. Hang in there!

allthatsgood

Mereid, when my son decided to leave rehab after a couple of days he called me in the middle of the night to come pick him up at Port Auth in NY. As hard as it was, I told him I would not pick him up and he could not come home. What I told him was that he could call me when the sun came up and if he wanted I would pick him up and drive him back to rehab. Otherwise, I guess he would be sleeping there that night and many others. Don't ask me how I even slept that night but somehow I did. The call came at 7 that morning - he was ready to go back. I think when our addicts realize our boundaries are firm their thinking changes. Hugs from another mom.

GardenMama

I hope you are sleeping now, and even though it may be late, I want you to know you did the right thing. You are on track. Don't buckle or sway now. And yes, SLEs are strict! Otherwise, what's the point! Sounds just like my RAD last summer. Keep your boundaries. Take deep breaths. Read The Language of Letting Go! Find a meeting. You are doing great! He will find his way faster without your interference. Believe me, I know how hard it is to not call, to not help, to not reach out. Trust this process.

Kindeyes

I do understand how very difficult that is......you and your dear son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Tinks65

Be strong .... your boundaries seem to me to be wise and reasonable. Yes, it IS hard, my prayers are with you and your son. Hugs from a mom who knows

EJG123

I found it easier to stand strong on my boundaries than to detach when the time came for me live with the consequences of moving my AD out of the house. She was not with me but I wanted to know where she was and what she was doing. Eventually, I had to accept that I would never know all the ins and outs of the lives of my adult children (addict or not), nor should I.

You will be fine but be kind and patient with yourself. It is completely normal to want to know about your son's whereabouts but knowing won't change anything. He's going to live his life as he chooses and he knows you love him.