Stand up for yourself 2/ boundries
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
Stand up for yourself 2/ boundries
Because I did not want to hijack KLM's thread, and because I thought this was interesting that I am struggling with this currently.
My AH (who you may know I left 4/2/13) Claims that he is currently not using. I to struggle with keeping him at arms length. Only it is not the rage any more. I think it is more manipulation than any.
He is VERY nice to me. Tells me how sorry he is. That this will never happen again. Loves me I will "prove" I am clean, give me a chance. ....blah, blah, But for some reason I think his manipulation tactics have just changed. I don't feel he is sincere. His attitude and behavior seem to not changed. For example. He is VERY arrogant. and into what he has accomplished.
I did this today. I talked to the head of so and so.
It was so much easier to keep him away when he was strung out. The he didn't try to call for a week. Didn't try to see the kids. Now he wants to get an apartment and see the kids every 2 weekends.
It is a constant struggle to keep him away. I don't want you to move here. I don't want to FIX this relationship. I want only to be civil with you for the kids sake. I don't trust you. I don't know you. I don't want you to prove anything to me. Don't do this for me, do it for you or your kids. I say over and over and over. He finally did quit texting me at night after weeks of me not responding. But still.
He wants to move closer "for the kids" He uses the kids as pawn. (he actually told me at one point it was the whole package or nothing. Meaning me and the kids back or nothing I guess)
This is another example. I live 4 hours away. It literally took me 7 days of text every day insisting I meet him half way for him to get the kids. He was insisting he drive here. The entire way. I do not know what his motive was but i did not want him at my house.
It is exhausting. I try to have as little contact as possible. When he wants to talk on the phone I tell the kids that I will call him back.... ect....
...And now my stress level must be up again... I don't sleep at night. The nightmares are back that wake me. My mind is instantly thinking of him and what to do the second I wake at 3 am.....Ugh....
My therapist says keep your boundaries...be firm... having firm boundaries is exhausting....
Why can't he just go away..... I hate to say it...but I am going there....
After I left him it was so much easier for me when he WAS strung out.... I don't know if he is know or not.... but sometimes I wish he would go back there.... Not nice I know...but whatever
My AH (who you may know I left 4/2/13) Claims that he is currently not using. I to struggle with keeping him at arms length. Only it is not the rage any more. I think it is more manipulation than any.
He is VERY nice to me. Tells me how sorry he is. That this will never happen again. Loves me I will "prove" I am clean, give me a chance. ....blah, blah, But for some reason I think his manipulation tactics have just changed. I don't feel he is sincere. His attitude and behavior seem to not changed. For example. He is VERY arrogant. and into what he has accomplished.
I did this today. I talked to the head of so and so.
It was so much easier to keep him away when he was strung out. The he didn't try to call for a week. Didn't try to see the kids. Now he wants to get an apartment and see the kids every 2 weekends.
It is a constant struggle to keep him away. I don't want you to move here. I don't want to FIX this relationship. I want only to be civil with you for the kids sake. I don't trust you. I don't know you. I don't want you to prove anything to me. Don't do this for me, do it for you or your kids. I say over and over and over. He finally did quit texting me at night after weeks of me not responding. But still.
He wants to move closer "for the kids" He uses the kids as pawn. (he actually told me at one point it was the whole package or nothing. Meaning me and the kids back or nothing I guess)
This is another example. I live 4 hours away. It literally took me 7 days of text every day insisting I meet him half way for him to get the kids. He was insisting he drive here. The entire way. I do not know what his motive was but i did not want him at my house.
It is exhausting. I try to have as little contact as possible. When he wants to talk on the phone I tell the kids that I will call him back.... ect....
...And now my stress level must be up again... I don't sleep at night. The nightmares are back that wake me. My mind is instantly thinking of him and what to do the second I wake at 3 am.....Ugh....
My therapist says keep your boundaries...be firm... having firm boundaries is exhausting....
Why can't he just go away..... I hate to say it...but I am going there....
After I left him it was so much easier for me when he WAS strung out.... I don't know if he is know or not.... but sometimes I wish he would go back there.... Not nice I know...but whatever
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Oh my goodness (((((blueholly)))))
He has certainly put you through the ringer a lot and possibly 'one to many times,' and I totally understand.
Sounds like you are HOLDING YOUR BOUNDARIES!!! Good for you!!!!
When he finally figures out that his attempts at 'nice' are not working, he will probably in all likelihood go back to the 'nasty and/or mean'.
Whether he is using or not, it does sound like he has done NO WORK on himself at all, so if not using is just 'dry' versus 'clean and/or sober.'
Sending extra hugs and some 'pats on the back' for a job that is being 'well done.' You are definitely on the progress (which is we continue to grow and change and have some fun to in getting into our 'new lives', lol) road not the perfection road (which is not only a very rough way to go, but is so so boring, lol)
Lots of love and bunches of hugs,
He has certainly put you through the ringer a lot and possibly 'one to many times,' and I totally understand.
Sounds like you are HOLDING YOUR BOUNDARIES!!! Good for you!!!!
When he finally figures out that his attempts at 'nice' are not working, he will probably in all likelihood go back to the 'nasty and/or mean'.
Whether he is using or not, it does sound like he has done NO WORK on himself at all, so if not using is just 'dry' versus 'clean and/or sober.'
Sending extra hugs and some 'pats on the back' for a job that is being 'well done.' You are definitely on the progress (which is we continue to grow and change and have some fun to in getting into our 'new lives', lol) road not the perfection road (which is not only a very rough way to go, but is so so boring, lol)
Lots of love and bunches of hugs,
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