zoso77

I'm digging deep. Really deep. I'm trying to feel something, anything, when it comes to her.

And I don't.

In hindsight, I think when we met, she smelled blood in the water when it came to me. I bought into the idea she was vulnerable and helpless, and as a result I treated her that way. But she wasn't. She was a predator, and I was her prey. Unwittingly her prey. But the funny thing is that even at my most vulnerable, I had some idea of what acceptable behavior was, and whenever I attempted to hold her to that standard, she chaffed and attempted to make me feel like the bad guy. And while I may have done bad things in the course of our relationship, that didn't make me a bad guy.

I've spent a lot of time on the road lately for work. I've driven from St. Louis to Peoria and back. And then I've spend time in Anaheim three days later. The world is a very, very big place. I'm just a small part of it. This land is going to be here long after I'm gone. And when I think about my time with her, she's not a chapter in my book. She's a mere footnote. And the wiser I've become, the more transparent she's become. If the likes of her came along these days, I could easily sniff her out and know she was bad news.

What's also interesting is I feel no sympathy for her new husband. He Thirteenth Stepped with her. If he was really, really honest with himself, he'd know exactly what he's signed up for. He's either in denial, or he's too sick himself to recognize she's a walking, talking cancer. Maybe they're using together. Maybe he thinks he can change her. Either way, better him than me.

There are three women that are in my past that I feel genuine love and affection for. One I went to high school with. One I dated for a long time. And one I was with just before I met the addict. There is genuine warmth there for these three women. If one of them was ever in trouble, I'd drop what I was doing and would be there for them. And my AXGF is the one person that I would report to the cops for trying to contact me. There is nothing there. No affection. No warmth. No respect. Just disdain and disgust. I don't care about the fact she's sick. In my book, she is and will always be irredeemable. She's the lowest of the low, the filthiest of the filthy, the dirtiest of the dirty, the slimiest of the slimy. And while I do not wish ill will upon her, if ill will visited her, she's got it coming.

However, what I am thankful for is how everything that went down with her shined a light on me, the way I thought, and the way I behaved. I've grown. I've changed. I've gotten honest about myself. That's a gift that continues to give.

ZoSo

cynical one

Another thing to add to your gratitude list. It isn't you marrying her.

EnglishGarden

I'm glad you are still here on SR, Zoso. I always look forward to your direct and searching posts.

Sometimes we do things, make choices, become involved with people, change our lives in some dramatic way, and later wonder what in the world were we thinking. It was all a catastrophe, and we should have known better, we think.

But as you reveal in your post, sometimes we don't learn the hard lessons we need for life any other way. You lost a great deal of innocence when this woman violated your psyche. And for you, Zoso, that might have been very necessary for whatever mission lies ahead.

SR is best served by the truth-tellers, and you are one of them. But you first had to be deceived and live in illusion, before you could know, finally, the truth. It's a cold shock, but the truth really does set a person free.

Vale

........and me with no wedding present! tsk! tsk!

Living well is the best revenge, my friend.

(Second best is imagining the wonderful life these two
lovebirds will no doubt share.)

If your imagination falls short, just find a TV and tune in on
"hoarders" or one of the delightful pawn wars or storage wars genre.

Don't overlook opportunities in DOD work. You seem to have a knack
for dodging bullets!

horriblethisis

Zoso - you sound like an amazing person, with a genuine caring soul. I hope someday you will write on here about the amazing and wonderful person you have met - someone who will continue to fill your soul in all positive light - because YOU deserve that!

Kindeyes

Yes.....Zoso....you do feel something for her. You feel......

....and that's ok.

I felt those same feelings toward my XAH for a long time. True healing came one day when I didn't expect it. I just woke up one day and those feelings of disdain and disgust were gone. I forgave him.....not for him but for me. But it took a long time to get there......a really long time.

gentle hugs
ke

Baloo

I'm identifying with your story Zoso. Hopefully, I don't have to think that of her in the end, but that could happen. Seduction from a female is a lot like bullying from a male. Took me too long to figure that out.

Hammer

Soooo, Z.

Tell us how you really feel about her.

Sara21

You've been through hell and back. Not only did you survive, you got stronger. As for her, it sounds like she's still in the pits of hell.

Thank you for sharing your story and insight. There were times when I was down and I would remember something you posted and it would lift me back up. I wish you all the success in the world, you totally deserve it.

Ann

Zoso, there is always the strangely wrapped gift and with her it was the lesson that the experience brought, the clarity to see life and relationships with perfect vision, and to be able to move forward with your life in peace.

That's a lot of gift to be able to take forward.

I'm glad you can see past all of this and glad you come here to share with those who are still seeking "the gift".

Hugs

madisonblake

Zoso.......I completely understand the disgust. Trust me, I really do. Like you, the few men I've had long term relationships with will always have a piece of my heart and like you, I will always hold a warm place in my heart for them. My AXBF falls into another category of disgust. Sometimes, it's bothered me how disgusted I really am when I think about him but that's ok because some people deserve to be in that category.

I'm glad you have grown and have learned so much. It's probably helped to be on the road as much as well. I keep telling myself this all happened to me for a reason and you and I both will be wiser in choosing the next person we let in.

zoso77

Yes, it was a "strangely wrapped gift". Such is her lack of self awareness, she thought what she did would break me.

It didn't. It made me stronger than she could possibly imagine...