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GnarlyWoman 06-07-2013 07:35 PM

An intervention or intersection...?
The first part of my letting go, came when my daughter was in detox for the second time. She was threatening to leave.

Something in me, just broke. And I said "Ok. Go. But never contact me again. I'm done, here. It's on you."

And you have no idea how much it broke me to say this. Saying this, after watching this beautiful girl gradually warp and turn into a monstrous being hellbent on destroying herself.

No, it didn't happen overnight. Never does, does it?

Started when she was young and her father won custody. She and her brother both have their issues as a result. 12 years later they both moved away from him, and closer to me and my family. Why? Dad was (and still is) an adulterer, liar, sociopath. Prior law enforcement, took advantage of me working and going back to school. He had custody so he and his g/f essentially "raised" the kids. They split up 9 years later. The woman and I are friends. Survivors. She knows what I barely escaped, the way he is.

After having to push to be a part of their lives - legally, etc., the kids didn't fare as well. They were taught at a young age to lie to me, that I was evil, that I didn't want them. Parental Alienation wasn't recognized in courts back then. Only now, is it getting references in various mental health publications that recognize the combative phenomenon and the danger it presents to the innocents.

The kids were subjected to manipulations and mind games. He often forced them to choose between parents. Things were fine until they grew old enough to think for themselves. Downhill fast at that point.

So over the years, it's been like watching this graphic car wreck unfold in front of you.

My son blew off his college scholarship, took off across the country for a year, barely letting me know where he was.

She literally grew up and fell apart, exploding at me. He couldn't have picked better tactical weapons

But with the daughter and her addiction - I had to pull away. (found out the ex had been sending her money too. "Loving" her to death, if you will.)

She had a baby that didn't need to be a part of that fall out. How can I take care of the baby, if I can't take care of me?

And it is time to let go of that saga. Yes, these awful things happened. But gotta let go of that too.

The second part of letting go happened when she was in the actual rehab part. I had initially broached a sober living environment, knowing that coming home isn't an option. She wasn't receptive at all. After a week of silence from her, I decided to "let it all go and step away, leaving it to her to finish fighting her demons".

Ironically, she came to me with her own version of "letting go" and said she had to be responsible for her own recovery.

So a new chapter begins. Can't change what happened in the past. But can decide how today will be. And that's enough.

Ann 06-08-2013 05:14 AM

GW, welcome to SR. Would your daughter be receptive to going with you to family counseling, or even on her own? It is hard to move forward until we have moved from the past.

Al-anon and ALCOA may help her too, and even if she isn't receptive meetings may help you too. Meetings are about us, and healing and finding our balance after all we have been through. Maybe give it a try and see if it doesn't help you too.

My prayers go out for you and your family, that healing can begin and better tomorrows come for all of you.


irisgardens 06-08-2013 06:20 AM

Welcome. You expressed my story about letting go...different circumstances...same story. I am glad you are here...I am finding so much help here. Good luck on her have been strong...and fought many. This is a new chapter for you and for her...each one a different one...although perhaps some will be done in the same places. My daughter is still lost in active heroin addiction and I just had to let go. Moving on from the past is what I can do here and I pray, hope, and love her as I work on my own recovery.

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