Standing up for yourself
 

Anyone else find that once your codependant self lets go a little and starts pushing back a little such as questioning lies, not putting up with the addict like you used to, the addict gets enraged?
Just going through this now and have sure found when I stand up for myself things get way worse.

The harder you push against the addiction the worse it gets.

By the same token when the addiction feels you moving away, mr. nice guy suddenly appears.

It's crazy making.

It isn't even about the drugs... Just calling him out on lies in general or not accepting the bad words and calling me down :(
It's been about a month since he's done hard drugs. Maybe he's jonesing

mmmm. I remember those days, the monster without the "medication"...not fun

Sometimes standing up for myself means just that, not pushing back but just not letting someone's words or actions bowl me over anymore. If I don't react to angry words they just flow to the wind and the universe, no longer meaning anything to me. Angry words are about "them" and they own the behaviour. Standing up for me scoffs at resistance and defense and and makes them meaningless.

Angry actions, if physical, gets a different treatment altogether, beginning with a call to 911.

Standing up for myself means I am confident and secure in my own skin...regardless of how badly others behave around me.

Hugs

I do my best not to push back so much as simply let things glide past me. Acknowledging and confronting just tended to make my son defensive and the "already difficult" person became more difficult.

Funny though.....when I let things glide past me, the "already difficult" person became more difficult too. Anytime I changed the "dance steps" his behaviors would often escalate. The trick for me was learning how to de-escalate (is that a word? lol) my own behaviors. No reaction. Walking away. Not engaging. Those were the difficult things for me to conquer (and I'm still working on that).

gentle hugs
ke

I've found that by not responding at all - or rather, not engaging - I end up feeling much stronger in the end. When I allow myself to react with anger or challenge I am still allowing someone else to control my emotions and feelings and after everything has settled down I usually regret having gotten caught up in the situation. By not engaging at all I retain control of my feelings and can better maintain inner peace. This has been extremely effective with my sister and cousin, although admittedly it has led to us basically being NC.

It's much easier said than done, of course. I know better, but I'm struggling sometimes to do better when it comes to not engaging with my mom. Often I am aware of what I'm doing and shouting at myself inside to not ask certain questions even as I am speaking them out loud her. I don't know why I can't seem to stop doing this. It's getting better, but we're not there yet. :rolleyes:

Yup. They sure dont like it when you stop dancing.

I feel NOBODY especially a bf or husband has the right to call u anything but special...my adbf even while using may have said one or two things bad and Iput my foot down n left that day n guess what...never happened.again. he says I'm the one adult he's ever listened to..I believe if we allow it to happen than it will continue kinda like dr. Phil says we teach (or allow) people how to treat us and I NEVER took any bad words ever!! :)

Ps after lotsa relationships I have my list of dos and donts and when a don't is presented, its THEN u say something! Just thought id add that! :))

Rant - Standing Ground
 

I have, for the past couple of years, attempted to set boundaries to my addict. Specifically, I ask him not to bring crack into our home. My home is my sanctuary and I keep it clean and organized. My spouse does not contribute around the house, except to mow the lawn and vacuum. He doesn’t do dishes, laundry, buy groceries, feed the dogs, organize, etc. The home that is currently rented to us is actually rented to him and he pays the rent. I cover the cable, insurance, phones, etc. in exchange.

When my spouse uses crack, he gets so paranoid that he becomes scared. He thinks that there are people in the room, he takes pictures with his phone to make sure he is alone, he runs from room to room because he thinks there is a monkey on his back. Not literally a monkey, but that there is something on him. He turns the lights on and off. It’s SO sad, and SO scary. But, he won’t stop using.
So, last night, I told him that since he was not respecting my wishes to not use in the house and that he keeps bringing drugs into the home that either he needed to find a place to live, or I was going to find a place to live. I don’t use drugs and I don’t want to be married to someone who uses drugs. There is a HUGE gap in the lifestyle of drug addicts and people who don’t use at all. Drug addicts spend all of their time looking for, using, and coming off of drugs. The moment my husband gets off work, he is looking for money to buy drugs and drugs. If it’s not crack, it’s coke, Percocet, Xanax, Vicodin, Methadone, Morphine, you name it.

Upon putting my foot down last night, he stays up in the living room and comes to bed around 2 AM. He wakes me up out of a dead sleep and tries to have sex with me. I roll over and say that I’m sleeping and to leave me alone. He gets angry with me because I’m not fulfilling his wishes and says that tomorrow (which is today) he is going to look for a place to live. When I speak with him today, he says that he is tired of me talking $%^& to him about his drug use because he “doesn’t want to live this way either.”

So, here is the point of all these elaborate details: it always comes down to my husband being angry at me when I say “No.” I’m the one who is in the wrong. I am the one who is the bad guy for not being considerate of the fact that he doesn’t want to live the way that he is living.

When I say no, all hell breaks loose. Things get broken. Names get called. Voices get raised. Tires are spun out of the driveway. Threats are made for my possessions to get sold if I don’t let him borrow money for dope. He sold the second GPS that we owned (his mother got it for us as a Christmas present) to the dope man for 40$ worth of crack to “spite” me for not letting him borrow money the night before. I used that GPS all the time because I work out of town.

The thing is, it’s not easy to stand your ground, but you have to. I’m not into altercations. I don’t like raising my voice. When it comes to arguing, I tend to cave just to avoid a break out because I’m a person who lives in peace, or did until I met this guy. But, standing your ground against your addict is going to make you question whether you are doing the right thing because they get so defensive about their actions and so angry when they can’t have what they want. My addict doesn’t care about me at all. All he really cares about is the next fix. And if I try to get in the way of that, he will slam me to the side (figuratively). I imagine it’s like this with other addicts and not just my husband.

Yogagurl...I think its really awesome u stand ur ground but can Iask why u agree to live w him when u know he's not trying to get clean?? Did u know he used when u dated?? I'm just askin cuz I never knew till his arrest and only continuing or the reason he wants to change now. Out of my own adbfs mouth....when they're busy chasing their next high...its possessing them if u will and ur right...anything or anyone else is on the sidelines!! They act without rationalization....if Ido this, what will happen? They never get to that second part ya know?!

I have custody of my granddaughter. Initially the court ordered visitation was supposed to be once a week in my home at my discretion. But after a few incidents, I spoke with the Guardian Ad Litem for the baby. She gave me the leeway to decline or move the visitations to a public place. Not that it matters. Drugs have ruled that whole mess, visitations were non existent. My heart broke for the baby on that first scheduled Saturday - they were no shows. That set quite the pattern for hit and miss visitaiton.

Since going into rehab and recovery, my daughter has seen her on a regular basis. But not him. And offers have been made, I tried to reach out. But not if he's high, and no where that isn't public.

The child's dad is not used to anyone saying no to him. He also tries to use her as a pawn when he doesn't like something that you do.

During my daughter's time in Detox, he's furious with me because I won't back down from my stance about him seeking help elsewhere. In one text exchange he says to me "Well fine, if you aren't going to let me do this then I'm going to get a ride to come have my visitation with my child tomorrow". I told him "No". And then he says "You are denying my court ordered visitation?" I told him "Court ordered isn't at your convenience."

He asks me again, if I'm denying him. I say "yep. Take me to court". Where her safety and well being is concerned, I'm not playing. Dance or no, I'll stomp on his toe and move to the next song.

After my xah continuously hurt and disappointed us, I set boundries. Very strict boundries. He was VERY enraged! Even though I had these boundries, I still felt like I had to tip toe around him. I hated having him angry at me all the time. I felt like I always had to diffuse the situation, but do it in such a way that I didn't back down on my boundries. It was a roller coaster.
An example, we had a nice supervised vist with our son after 3 months of not seeing him. I get an email from him afterwards, basically 3 sentences...."had a nice visit. our sonis so funny. please stop calling my girlfriend a *****" That was it. I was enraged! I hadn't even mentioned this woman. WTF? Here I was abandoned and dealing with this man child who didn't even pay support, disappeared for 3 months and he has enough audacity to ask this? This is his priority? I sent an email of all emails back to him. I had been nice and forgiving up until this point. I didn't ask too many questions, made it difficult but still let him see his son, made a picture book of our summer for him...basically turned the other way and allowed this poor irresponsible behavior. Not once did he try to build trust, or ask how he can co-parent. I was furious, and let him have it like never before. Sent the email, and became anxious because I knew I just pissed off the addict. There is NO rationalizing with addicts. They admit to nothing. It is pointless and a waste of energy. So, he reacted by calling me and leaving me a nasty voicemail...which I didn't listen to, and he sent me a stoopid email that just showed his anger. I knew I had to diffuse. No matter how right I was, I just didn't want his anger. So, I sent a very short email just saying sorry and that my email was below the belt. blah blah. He was still very angry. He saw his son 2 more times. The last time he saw his son he got mad because I checked on them during supervised visit, and he threw a tantrum and left. He totally walked out early on his visitiation. He was sooooo mad that not only did I call him out, but he could only see his son supervised, and I wouldn't budge on that. But he never even tried to do the right thing. EVER! He wanted what he wanted with no questions. He couldn't handle the fact I wouldn't give in to what he wanted. You see, my sons well being is too imprtant. There was no way I would let him take him unsupervised. NO WAY! I did not trust him or the druggies he hung out with. Anyways, he has since disappeared again. whew! THANK GOD!

It isn't easy dealing with them because there is no rationalizing with them. Any truth you say, they blow up and twist. They don't accept responsibility and they won't listen. They just want what they want when they want it and if they don't get it they throw a HUGE tantrum. I honestly felt like I was dealing with 2 three year olds at the time. The hard part is, you can't let them walk all over you. My xah hated my boundries, and he finally disappeared because I made it too hard for him.

If at all possible, no contact really is the best. It was so difficult dealing with him. It made me anxious. Who wants to deal with that all the time?

Good luck and stick to your boundries. Take care of you.

Story 74...just wondering what kinda boundaries are good to set up for ur recovering adbf?? Everything transparent like living with no secrets? That's what I was thinking...

Boundaries are for YOU not HIM.

We had a code word, if either one of us used it-----it was goodbye forever.

HARD forever, as in....you so much as text me, I'll file a restraining order the
next day----one more word after THAT, and you'll be back on the road crew
picking up trash on the interstate.

She knew I meant it---and never once tried to test me. The few times
she'd get 'testy' about my not playing her game, I'd merely say "you know the
word, just say it and we vanish from one another's existence & memory FOREVER".

They are not as irrational as they are sometimes painted. And they understand
HARD boundaries better than you might think. If you doubt this----watch how their
behavior changes when a disinterested neutral shows up that they KNOW is unaffected
by their act (like a cop).Totally different game.

Want to a truncate this BS game? Agree on a 'nuclear/game over' word.
Remind them in a dead calm voice......"You know the word"

If they say it, follow up and launch everything you have until the silo's
are empty. It's not a bluff if you are willing to follow through. The uncomfortable
truth of the matter is....if they had the ability to persevere unconditionally,
it is highly unlikely they would have ever gotten themselves into this horrific
mess to begin with.

Vale I'm lil confused...this word was just like a threat to break up??

I'm confused too vale.

Sorry for the confusion. The concept is a boundary that is
completely irrevocable and non negotiable----a condition agreed
to ahead of time, so that no possible misunderstanding exists.

"Threats" are (in my mind) intrinsically different. They are levers
of manipulation----whose innate weakness is that they are
dependent on the strength of will (credit) of the issuer. The fact
that threats are issued is often welcomed by the target of the threats
as reliable signals of impotence. How many times do you heard the US
boast of it's ability to annihilate North Korea? It never happens because
the fact is a given.

The code word was an agreed to reinstatement of original estrangement
whose violation (by either party) would be responded to as a hostile act.
(Game over. I don't know you. Next time you call, I call the law.)

To be honest, it was a tripwire,a way out of a badly deteriorating
situation----she gets pissed----says word----I'm off the hook of "standing by me
in my darkest hour". Except she never did. Even at her most pissed. Saying the
word meant no more contact, hence no more $. They are more pragmatic than is
sometimes commonly believed around these parts.

The tactic failed, as evidenced by the fact that I changed my phone #.

Hard to misinterpret that.