nmb4421

When I question lies and stand up for myself (like refusing to give him money to buy drugs), my AH becomes an emotionally abusive monster. I think it's very typical of someone who is actively addicted, and it's also like communicating with a brick wall. I've been very angry and hurt lately, and have decided to detach emotionally. You can't let it hurt you. When I have a tough time, I sit down and read through this site or I call a trusted friend.

I was going to leave, but he's moving out of state for a job soon. (We can't afford to move me right now) My plan is to build myself back up, attend support meetings, and take care of myself.

story74

gfwhoneverknew, I have never had to deal with a recovering addict. The way I came up with any boundry was I would analyze the situation. I would ask myself what boundry I needed to set so that I would feel safe. For example, we had supervised visits at this very large park with walking paths. He took my son on this walkng path without my permission. I felt uncomfortable with this, but knew there was nothing I could say to him. So, I changed the supervised visits to a smaller park where I could always see him. He knew what I was doing and threw a tantrum, but I held my ground. It was exhausting and dreadful to deal with this man child.

IMHO, if you do not have children with this person and you are just boyfriend and girfriend I would move out and let him recover seriously for at least a year. Then, revisit the relationship. The thing is that he can relaspe at an point in time. Can you imagine if he relasped after you had kids and a mortgage together? Again, just my humble opinion. I don't know your story. You have to do what is best for you. I just know that what I went through, and am going through, is and has been very painful. My son lost his father and now has a 50% chance of becoming an addict himself. After being with my xah for 16 years and thinking that he was my one and only, I realize that you really can live without them. I don't need him for my happiness.

Good luck, and stay strong.

gfwhoneverknew

Story 74...thx for ur words! Was wondering why ur son has 50percent chance of becoming an addict? My bf also has a little boy and doesn't see him of course cuz the drugs etc

Yogagurl

@gfwhoneverknew - to answer your question, I live with him because I was naive to crack addiction when we were married. Yes, I did know that he was an addict; however, a car accident that put him in an exploding vehicle, just seconds from losing his life, was the life changing event that brought both his family and I to think "This is it for him. This HAS to be the end." My AH even thought it too. He did manage to stop drinking alcohol, which was a feat in itself. However, he was only off drugs for the time that he didn't have an income, which was about 6 months after the car accident (he broke a lot of bones).

So, long story short, we married a few months after he started back to work. Two months after we were married, he started using crack again. He has been using ever since.

I have been actively looking for a home for rent that I can bring my dog and cat to. Leaving without the animals isn't even an option for me. These animals have been the saving grace in my life. I am also actively looking for a better paying position in my field. I make decent money, but it's not ideal for living on my own.

I don't know if anyone has addressed this in former posts, but, my advice to you is to leave the addict behind. I have experience with the idea that they will "change, stop using, become a better person, it's just a phase, they are just stressed out, this won't last forever", etc. etc. ad nauseum. After what I have learned from living with an addict, I KNOW that even if the addict chooses to stop using, there is always the potential they will start using again. If an addict has been clean for several years, that's one thing. Ultimately, it's dangerous to get involved with an addict who has not been clean for several years because it takes TIME for an addict to learn how to live on life’s terms without using drugs. Throwing a relationship into the mix is a volatile cocktail. This is my opinion. I'm sure everyone is different and what not, but I'm speaking from what I KNOW.

I hope that you choose to get therapy and plan a way to move away from the active addict. Change your number, whatever. It's an endless charade of lies, manipulation, false promises, and emotional grief that NO ONE should have to deal with. The world is populated with billions of people. Surely, there is someone else out there who is a better fit for YOUR goals, YOUR standards, and YOUR life.