Addiction As Disease Does Not Equal "Get Out of Jail Free”
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Addiction As Disease Does Not Equal "Get Out of Jail Free”
Addiction As Disease Does Not Equal "Get Out of Jail Free”
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Sometimes family members have a hard time with the idea that addiction is a disease. When this is the case, it often has to do with the issue of responsibility. Sometimes family members believe that "disease" is equated with a "get out of jail free card" or not being held responsible. This is not the case.
An addict has responsibility for choosing recovery over choosing to stay in the illness. They have responsibility to do whatever is necessary to maintain sobriety after they have interrupted the addiction cycle by quitting drinking, using, or engaging in addictive behaviors like gambling addiction or sexual addiction. They also have responsibility for the inappropriate and devastating behavior that they engaged in during the active addiction.
One of the overarching tasks and goals of early recovery is to take responsibility for that recovery and for the devastation caused by the addiction. This is important in order to gain insight distorted by denial and other defense mechanisms, to gain a new direction in life, and in developing the living skills that are needed to recover.
Family members are naturally "irked" by the idea that the addict gets off the hook for their behavior because they have an illness. The truth is that in recovery, sometimes for the first time, they ARE being held responsible. They have to be responsible for their behavior in order to recover. The same is true for family members. There is often a great deal of maladaptive behavior involved in the family dynamics of addiction and each family member must take responsibility for their own feelings, decisions, and behavior.
Spouses and parents often try to solve the problem of the addict's addiction for a very long time before the addiction is correctly identified. They often end up enabling the addict by their very problem solving attempts. These family members usually tolerate intolerable behavior and situations over a long period of time, lose themselves in the process, and yet depend on the addict to step up and make it all alright.
Even sober or abstinent, the addict cannot make it all alright. The family member has often invested all their time, energy, and other resources in the development, nurturance, or reclamation of the addict, and has neglected themselves in the process.
In reality, family members are responsible for their own choices, decisions, and behavior in the addiction process--just like the addict.
One of the things that happens in the family dynamics of addiction is the circular blaming by all involved. The addict often blames the family members for the problems that occur in the family, in their lives, and the family member often believes them. These relatives typically feel compelled to engage in inappropriate caretaking or coercion of the addict, trying to get them to straighten up. There is a direct parallel between the compulsion to fix the addict and the addict's compulsion to "use" the mood altering chemical. The family member often gets to the point where they blame the addict for their own choices, saying "I had to do ____ because he did _______".
The reality is that both had choices and responsibility for those choices each step of the way. Addiction negatively affects everyone in the family. No one escapes unscathed.
The good news is that each person involved in the scenario can recover, regardless of whether the other does. This, again, is based on choices and responsibility for one's own choices.
There is no doubt that the inappropriate behavior of the addict hurts the family members. The dishonesty, the inability to be emotionally present, or the inability to engage in adult responsibilities with emotional maturity is often part and parcel of addictions. Family members are justifiably angry about the addict's behavior. If they have much insight into addiction, they are appropriately concerned about the continuation of that behavior.
Recovery is a process that occurs over a long period of time. When the addict enters recovery by stopping the consumption of alcohol or other drugs, things can begin to get better. However, abstinence is only the very, very, very beginning of recovery.
There is much work to be done.
Affected relatives also need their own recovery program. Family members do not recover by being a non-involved bystander or by continuing to over-invest in the addict's vs. their own recovery. Any person's recovery is contingent upon taking responsibility for that recovery. Relationships can also recover as each person works on their own issues.
The non-addicted spouse can recover regardless of whether the addict ever gets clean and sober. By working on their own issues and working a program of recovery, they can find peace and serenity that is not dependent on what the addict is doing or not doing.
Ultimately spouses get to choose whether or not they are willing to remain in a relationship with uncertain recovery outcomes. Relapse is a common symptom of all addictions and all chronic illnesses. Sometimes spouses decide that they "have had enough" and choose to get out. In some cases that action represents responsibility for self-care.
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Sometimes family members have a hard time with the idea that addiction is a disease. When this is the case, it often has to do with the issue of responsibility. Sometimes family members believe that "disease" is equated with a "get out of jail free card" or not being held responsible. This is not the case.
An addict has responsibility for choosing recovery over choosing to stay in the illness. They have responsibility to do whatever is necessary to maintain sobriety after they have interrupted the addiction cycle by quitting drinking, using, or engaging in addictive behaviors like gambling addiction or sexual addiction. They also have responsibility for the inappropriate and devastating behavior that they engaged in during the active addiction.
One of the overarching tasks and goals of early recovery is to take responsibility for that recovery and for the devastation caused by the addiction. This is important in order to gain insight distorted by denial and other defense mechanisms, to gain a new direction in life, and in developing the living skills that are needed to recover.
Family members are naturally "irked" by the idea that the addict gets off the hook for their behavior because they have an illness. The truth is that in recovery, sometimes for the first time, they ARE being held responsible. They have to be responsible for their behavior in order to recover. The same is true for family members. There is often a great deal of maladaptive behavior involved in the family dynamics of addiction and each family member must take responsibility for their own feelings, decisions, and behavior.
Spouses and parents often try to solve the problem of the addict's addiction for a very long time before the addiction is correctly identified. They often end up enabling the addict by their very problem solving attempts. These family members usually tolerate intolerable behavior and situations over a long period of time, lose themselves in the process, and yet depend on the addict to step up and make it all alright.
Even sober or abstinent, the addict cannot make it all alright. The family member has often invested all their time, energy, and other resources in the development, nurturance, or reclamation of the addict, and has neglected themselves in the process.
In reality, family members are responsible for their own choices, decisions, and behavior in the addiction process--just like the addict.
One of the things that happens in the family dynamics of addiction is the circular blaming by all involved. The addict often blames the family members for the problems that occur in the family, in their lives, and the family member often believes them. These relatives typically feel compelled to engage in inappropriate caretaking or coercion of the addict, trying to get them to straighten up. There is a direct parallel between the compulsion to fix the addict and the addict's compulsion to "use" the mood altering chemical. The family member often gets to the point where they blame the addict for their own choices, saying "I had to do ____ because he did _______".
The reality is that both had choices and responsibility for those choices each step of the way. Addiction negatively affects everyone in the family. No one escapes unscathed.
The good news is that each person involved in the scenario can recover, regardless of whether the other does. This, again, is based on choices and responsibility for one's own choices.
There is no doubt that the inappropriate behavior of the addict hurts the family members. The dishonesty, the inability to be emotionally present, or the inability to engage in adult responsibilities with emotional maturity is often part and parcel of addictions. Family members are justifiably angry about the addict's behavior. If they have much insight into addiction, they are appropriately concerned about the continuation of that behavior.
Recovery is a process that occurs over a long period of time. When the addict enters recovery by stopping the consumption of alcohol or other drugs, things can begin to get better. However, abstinence is only the very, very, very beginning of recovery.
There is much work to be done.
Affected relatives also need their own recovery program. Family members do not recover by being a non-involved bystander or by continuing to over-invest in the addict's vs. their own recovery. Any person's recovery is contingent upon taking responsibility for that recovery. Relationships can also recover as each person works on their own issues.
The non-addicted spouse can recover regardless of whether the addict ever gets clean and sober. By working on their own issues and working a program of recovery, they can find peace and serenity that is not dependent on what the addict is doing or not doing.
Ultimately spouses get to choose whether or not they are willing to remain in a relationship with uncertain recovery outcomes. Relapse is a common symptom of all addictions and all chronic illnesses. Sometimes spouses decide that they "have had enough" and choose to get out. In some cases that action represents responsibility for self-care.
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"....both had choices and responsibility..."
"....the circular blaming......"
Thank you, cynical one, for sharing this article. It is always a tough awareness to come to, for the codependent who has been blaming the addict or alcoholic for the chaos and pain in the life, that the codependent herself--or himself--has very likely avoided personal responsibility for choosing to remain in a destructive relationship, tolerating "unacceptable behavior and situations over a long period of time." The codependent has free will just as the addict does. And with that comes the personal responsibility for directing one's own life. Ultimately, the codependent has to stop blaming the addict for the misery in her life. Is she trying to force a relationship with someone in active addiction? Is she letting someone in active addiction live in her home? Is she going back again and again to someone with a history of cheating on her? If emotional pain and betrayal has been a constant for the past several years in the relationship, is she still waiting for her partner to be transformed inside and out and give her what she wants?
On this forum if the letter "A" comes before "BF" or or "GF" or "H" or "W", then anyone who is trying to find happiness in relationship with that person is engaged in a futile effort. And it is ultimately unfair to blame the addict for not living up to such an unrealistic expectation of happy and supportive and loving relationship. We have to ask ourselves why we feel justified in resenting someone for being exactly who he or she is at this moment in time. For resenting that individual for hurting us again and again. Why we do not take personal responsibility for our part in this destructive cycle.
We hold on to the addicted person, we sink our claws into him, and we don't let go, we swing wildly all over the place as he leaps from crisis to crisis and yet we don't let go,, our claws dig in all the harder. Finally, we have to ask ourselves, "What am I DOING?" He is not doing it to us. We are doing it to us. We have to change.
"....the circular blaming......"
Thank you, cynical one, for sharing this article. It is always a tough awareness to come to, for the codependent who has been blaming the addict or alcoholic for the chaos and pain in the life, that the codependent herself--or himself--has very likely avoided personal responsibility for choosing to remain in a destructive relationship, tolerating "unacceptable behavior and situations over a long period of time." The codependent has free will just as the addict does. And with that comes the personal responsibility for directing one's own life. Ultimately, the codependent has to stop blaming the addict for the misery in her life. Is she trying to force a relationship with someone in active addiction? Is she letting someone in active addiction live in her home? Is she going back again and again to someone with a history of cheating on her? If emotional pain and betrayal has been a constant for the past several years in the relationship, is she still waiting for her partner to be transformed inside and out and give her what she wants?
On this forum if the letter "A" comes before "BF" or or "GF" or "H" or "W", then anyone who is trying to find happiness in relationship with that person is engaged in a futile effort. And it is ultimately unfair to blame the addict for not living up to such an unrealistic expectation of happy and supportive and loving relationship. We have to ask ourselves why we feel justified in resenting someone for being exactly who he or she is at this moment in time. For resenting that individual for hurting us again and again. Why we do not take personal responsibility for our part in this destructive cycle.
We hold on to the addicted person, we sink our claws into him, and we don't let go, we swing wildly all over the place as he leaps from crisis to crisis and yet we don't let go,, our claws dig in all the harder. Finally, we have to ask ourselves, "What am I DOING?" He is not doing it to us. We are doing it to us. We have to change.
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