Addiction and Control
 

So I've dealt with a couple addicts in my life time, but this one by far has to be the worst. His name is Jay, and he is my Bf's brother. Jay was a responsible , hard working guy until about 2-3 years ago his girlfriend of 6 years left him. He started with: Alcohol, to Smoking Pot, to Oxy's then he quit them after a month, and went to Ecstasy, and now he's taking MDMA, and Clonazepam. We all (Me, My Boyfriend, Other Brother, his Parents) had sympathy for Jay because we felt he was hurting. Over time it just became old, over a year had gone by and his behavior and everything was just getting worse. We had no idea he was taking so much, but as soon as we saw it was becoming to much My boyfriend decieded to try and talk to Jay about what he was doing, and for him to get his goals straightened out (Jay all the sudden wanted to become a rapper). After my boyfriend said this to him Jay has been on this streak to just get rid of my boyfriend. My boyfriend has been ignoring him for over 3 months, he walks past him and says nothing, but Jay constantly is trying to pick at him, and will send him texts saying things that break his self esteem down so much. Jay is also the oldest brother. In these 2 months, Jay has broken up the cars 3 times. They've had to be sent to a Mechanic.. I will say the parents are being enablers, because they still have that hope in their head that their Responsible , Sensible son is in there but they just are having a hard time realising that he is completely changed. Jay throws the biggest tantrums. When he needs money he will throw them, and when he's on the drugs he will try his hardest to irritate my boyfriend to start a fight , so he can run to his parents and act like the victim and tell them to throw my boyfriend out. He will purposely try to compete with him, and sometimes just start fights with his parents bringing up past issues with him that have already been talked out, just to start a fight. When they try to defend my boyfriend and tell Jay to stop, he will scream at the top of his lungs and just yell even louder, and be so loud to over power everything they are saying. My boyfriend just sits there in his room and quietly takes it all. Jay has even resorted to saying things with dirty intentions about me and my boyfriend and our personal lives together just to get at him. It's hurtful to us, because we've spent so many years just trying to be there for him, inviting him out, supporting him, talking to him through everything. He's become this person that wants control, and he likes to make people so unhappy and suffer for it. He lies so much, to seem like the victim to his parents, and to make his two other brothers look bad. He picks them apart to pieces, even though their minding their buisness trying to get on with life. He just started working this week, and for months now even when he didnt have a job he'd get make my boyfriend feel so bad about not having a job. My boyfriend tries hard every day to find a job, he's gone on multiple interviews, and Jay tries his hardest to bring him down by yelling and starting fights that hes not working bla bla even though Jay isnt himself. Saying my boyfriend doesnt contribute at all to the family, but he's been working his ass off to get a job, and in this time it's hard to get one. Everyone has defended him saying thats his responsibility and his buisness, he's working on it , why do you keep trying to pick fights and bringing it up, and he just yells even louder then trying to make it seem like he wants the best for the family. It's just a way to control everyone. He also writes stuff on social networking sites, saying how in 2013 he's messing with everyone's head. He really is hurting us all, and he keeps going and keeps fighting. He's keeps pressing buttons on purpose. Also it seems like he doesn't want anyone succesful. He overheard my boyfriend telling their mom that he wants to quit smoking in all, and he wants her support and help since then he's been trying to make things more stressful. Also with the other brother he has many tests coming up for his University course, and he started a fight today as soon as he got home, and he couldnt even study due to this. It seems he wants to ruin everyone's chance at success. I can go on with examples but this post is getting to long.

Has anyone else dealt with someone like this, thats constantly trying to pick fights while on the drugs? Who cant stand to see anyone else happy, and tries to ruin everyone's happiness. Also someone who just doesn't want to see others succesful? Someone who constantly tries being the victim? I'd love to hear if anyone has anything in common with this story. It's been extremely hard.

Welcome to SR, I'm glad you found us.

All that anger, the hate and the contempt, this all comes because Jay hates himself right now but cannot accept responsibility for his actions so he blames everyone else. How do I know this? Because most of us here have watched our addicted loved ones self destruct in a similar way.

What I learned with my addicted son is that I could not reason with insanity, I could not buy his sobriety nor could I plead, cry, yell, or manipulate him into changing because he didn't want to change, even though it may very well cost him his life in the end.

What helped me and many here was to find our own peace and recovery. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that helped many of us find our balance and move forward. Also, there is a wonderful book called Codependent No More that has been an inspiration and great help to many of us here. It is written for people like us, people who have addicted loved ones. Maybe get a copy and let the entire family read it.

Take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum. You'll find a lot of useful information there that may help you too.

Again, welcome. Make yourself comfortable here and know you are among friends.

Hugs

Thank you so much for the fast response. Jay is very well self destructing. But he doesn't put out that he hates himself. He acts like hes very happy with himself, and says clearly that we are just jealous, and said once that hes smarter then all three of our brains combined. Its like he think's hes better then everyone else, and he's so entitled to everything. I know its an act, you can tell he hates his own life and himself. But is this just a front that he is putting up?

IMO, yes it is a front as far as the entitlement that goes with addiction and I have noticed that many people in their 20's and early 30's are seeming to show feeling entitlement even when not in addiction May I ask the ages of the brothers?

Jay is 25
Middle Brother is 23
and my boyfriend is 21

I'd also like to add it's like dealing with a bully. Someone who just wants to intimidate and control someone elses mind and feelings. It's really sad to see. If he wants drugs, then fine he can go do drugs to himself and live his life. But why go out of your way to bully others, and make them feel bad about themselves when their trying to stay out of your way. Why keep pushing and pushing. It angers me to see, how he's being.:c004:

jay sounds like he needs help but dosent want it beyond more money for more drugs


he needs to be cut off the money so mabey he can start to come good or hit jail time
i know that this is hard for you and respective family

but with out understanding the intcrate plays beetween the drugs and his mind it's very hard for you to have a real understannnding of the absloute depseration and aggnoy mr jayis going through


but yeah imo the money has to stop

IMO, this is not just a Jay issue it is a family issue Jay, throws tantrums like a small child in a toy store who can't have what they want as for the bullying I can't say it is possible he says some of what he does in order to boost his own self esteem I use to walk on eggshells around my brother and it was not a good feeling.