Brokenandtired

Hi, this is my first post. My husband has been addicted to opiates for 5+ years. I only found out when his various doctors prescriptions stopped and he started spending our money on drugs about 2 years ago ( he actually had a legit medical issue thay masked a lot of the symptoms). The past couple of years have been tough and pure hell at times ( financially, emotional abuse, etc). I also found suboxone around my house sporadically over the past year. He has been to outpatient twice and recently came home from being out of house for 3 months because he was still using. He went to the doctor (his PCP who has prescribed him percocet and xanax in the past) a few weeks ago with back pain and the doctor prescribed suboxone for pain management. I was upset because I have already lived through my spouse abusing suboxone so I told him that he couldn't take it around me but I would go with him to someone in the behavioral health field ( he has a psychiatrist and an addiction specialist and I also have a therapist) and discuss why this treatment made sense for him since he claims he has been sober for 4 months (still taking Effexor and Xanax but not opiates). He gave me the suboxone and said fine, he wouldn't take it. I just found out he went back to doctor last week and got a new prescription for suboxone that he has been taking for 6 days. He lied to me about going to doctor and all weekend I asked him if he was on anything because he seemed high (red faced, eyes, sweats, passing out ) but he lied and said just his Effexor. Now, he's been back home less than a month and already the lying/hiding and blaming me behavior has started. I love my husband tremendously but I think I've had it this time. We have two small children and we can't live like this anymore. I thought I'd turn here for any advice. Thanks!

LoveMeNow

Hi brokenandtired and welcome to SR. As always, I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. My husband was addicted to percocets and tried suboxone. Although, he didn't abuse them, he tapered way too fast, went through awful withdrawals and relapsed. He was working a recovery program through NA, was doing well until he broke his arm in an NA softball game...of all things.

I did the dance of addiction and have been to hell and back too. I understand.

Nytepassion is a RA and recovering codependent, a double winner. Please read her post on this thread. It described my situation to a tee. Maybe it will give you the insight I was so desperately needing while I was in the middle of the chaos that became my life.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ard-place.html

Vale

Brokenandtired,
We're glad you found SR,although sorry for the
reason you are here.You will find a wealth of useful
information here----as well as the most important
piece of information of all....... that you are not alone
in this struggle.

The 'stickies' (semi-permanent messages above
the daily messages)--- are a treasure trove!
About the only thing that you will NOT find here
is people who wish to pass judgement,throw stones,
or make you feel (in any way) ...... that you made a
mistake coming here.

Kindeyes

Hi bnt
Welcome! I'm sorry that you're dealing with the chaos and craziness of living with and loving an addict in active addiction. It is crazy making.

Glad to hear that you have someone to help you navigate things (therapist). Trying to do this alone is too much for most of us to deal with. You have found a great forum. Everyone here understands what you're dealing with.

Welcome.....stick around...read a lot and ask questions. You'll soon feel like a member of the SR family.

gentle hugs
ke

marriedanaddict

I just found this site too. I cant believe how I am not alone. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand the issue with the children. I have young children too and we have to be strong for our children. You are not alone and apparently neither am I
Good luck!

zoso77

My AXGF had legitimate medical issues, too, but she still became a Perocet addict.

What's important right now is that you educate yourself in terms of what you're up against. Opiate addiction is no joke. I would assume going forward that if your AH's lips are moving, he's lying.

Your number one priority is to protect your children. There are several women on the board that have been where you are. My guess is they will be piping up over the next day or so. Pay close attention to what they share with you.

Welcome to the Board.

ZoSo

LolaBenKen

I also just found this website. I wrote my first post last night. I have received so many insightful and kind responses...I totally understand what your going through with your husband. my partner also abused opiates. Suboxone was extremely helpful in getting her off the opiate rollercoaster, however. Hang in there... make sure you take care of yourself. Your kids deserve to have one parent who is there for them, putting their needs above their own demons. I would also inform all of his doctors and the pharmacy about the multiple scripts. Once he gets flagged in the system for abusing the system, it will get increasingly difficult to get away with filling scripts secretly. HE WILL DEFINATELY GET ANGRY WITH YOU FOR RATTING HIM OUT-- BUT REMIND HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM, BUT YOU WILL NOT LOVE HIM TO DEATH. Good luck, hang in there ):

LoveMeNow

No, please don't report him. Bad idea, IMO.

Tleac

Brokenandtired...aren't we all! My husband has also been addicted to opiates for several years. Heroin for the last 2. I have gone through quite a similar situation. We have a 7 month old baby and a 6 year old. I too am SOOOOOO tired of the lying and the blaming. I have given him chance after chance after chance after chance to make himself right. It's very sad when I sit and wonder if there has even been one day my husband hasn't told me a lie since the day I married him. Not only has his addiction ruined our marriage but I have also allowed it to ruin me. I am just not my happy go lucky self I once was...not too long ago. I worry that if I continue to allow him in my home (I moved away from him when our baby was 1 week old because I just couldn't take being around the lying and shadiness for one more day) that he will also start to affect my oldest daughter. I don't want her to have problems just because I allowed him to stay and affect me..that would just kill me. Since I left I have allowed him in as long as he could promise he wasn't high and I didn't think he was high when he was around. Well guess how that turned out. He promised he wasn't high every single time, of course. So 90% of the time I made him turn around and leave because obviously he was...he's a drug addict. I told him, If you were really clean as often as you say you are you wouldn't be a drug addict. But you are, so I guess you're also a liar.
But we all know they are all liars, so anyway...

He also attempted to take Suboxone many many times. In the beginning I had no idea what addiction really consisted of, even though I've had other addicts in my family, having my husband as the addict was a completely different story. I was there 100% of the time, my heart was 100% involved, he was my world. So, I thought Suboxone would fix him and we could be on with our happy lives. Each time I think he was most likely genuine in his attempt and wanted to get clean. And each time, before the 30 days was up, he ran out of the prescription. It was excuse after excuse after excuse where it all had gone. His "buddy" really needed a few...he had to take more than he was supposed to because he was hurting too bad, etc. He went straight back to drugs. The next time he promised to get clean he promised I could hold onto the Suboxone and monitor his intake and watch him take it...so I know it's going where it's supposed to be going. Of course after a couple of days he creates a huge fight over nothing (as I've learned many addicts do to have an excuse to get away) takes the rest of the Subs, and leaves. A week later..all Subs are gone. I found out he was selling them to buy the "good stuff", pills...and then later on, heroin. Suboxone was his decoy. He made me think that since he had the prescription, he was definitely taking it as prescribed and staying 100% on track. Lies.

Most recently he got prescribed Subutex. It's similar to Suboxone but doesn't have the Naloxone in it. He seemed most sincere in his attempt to get clean this time. But like every other time, the pills disappeared. Not only that but he was using them to get high. He actually shot up the Subutex just like he does heroin.

Needless to say, he's back using again. I made the decision on Friday to cut him off from seeing me and the girls. I told him I can't do it anymore and that he needs to go to rehab before he will be allowed to see us. I'm going to do no contact. That's the ONLY thing I have not tried. Opiates are the worst and hardest drug to quit, so I hear. I firmly believe that most would not be able to kick it without professional help. They will definitely say otherwise but don't believe it. It's not going to happen. I'm learning I have to put my foot down and stay strong this time. He has manipulated every move I've made in the past, leading to me giving in every. single. time. Not this time. He may not believe that yet. But he better start believing if he thinks he's ever going to be a part of this family again.

Don't take his word for anything. Has his word ever been true? Why would it be this time? They are professional liars. If lying was a profession, we'd all be rich.

But it's not. So all we are is in your name...broken and tired.

Sorry this was so long and drawn out. It just hit home with me and I was venting. I wish you all the strength and courage and peace and happiness this world has to offer. I feel your pain!!!

Lots of hugs to you!

Brokenandtired

Thanks all for the posts and kind words. Although everyone's situation is a little different, addicts are basically all the same. It's helpful to hear from others who have been through it and I really do appreciate the support. How do you know when it's time to completely walk away from an addict spouse (i.e., divorce)? I'm guessing when the bad days continue to outweigh the good. Is there anyone out there who has a spouse who has been successful at recovery from opiate addiction and the relationship has been repaired? Sadly, I haven't heard any of these stories.

LoveMeNow

There are posters here on SR that have maintained their recovery for a long duration. There are some parents who post whose children have sought recovery and are doing well. As far a spouses, I have yet to read one that has any real validity if you read all their posts.

I read time and time again, "I never thought I would be back here. He/she is using or drinking again " Those are the posts that make me see the truth about addiction.

Also, I have yet to read a post that stated I should have stayed with my addict. But I read over and over posts about getting out and being very happy in time.

IMO, the true success stories are those who come here broken and learn how to love and value themselves enough to do the hard work, heal and change their own lives.

EnglishGarden

Addiction takes complete and total control of the brain. Drug-seeking becomes the addict's reason for living, the all-consuming agenda of his life. He is possessed. I have read so much, so many stories, about the mental and physical compulsions, about alcoholics and drug addicts, and time and again I am of the opinion that Bill W. was right: that recovery will not happen without a hard and agonizing bottom. And that true recovery will not happen through drug maintenance (suboxone, naltrexone) because addiction is at its core a spiritual pathology which can only be overcome by the admission of powerlessness over the drug and a complete transformation of the spiritual life of the addict through self-survey, confession of all the dark and dirty secrets, ongoing and direct amends to every single individual harmed, and a lifetime of service to other suffering addicts. In my opinion, without the spiritual death and rebirth, the addict will return to the drug.

Even if your AH successfully took suboxone, as prescribed, no abusing of it, I personally doubt he would achieve a true and lasting recovery. And there is also the issue of the disease being active through the use of other narcotics, including Xanax, which is not meant for long-term use, and can in itself keep the addict brain on fire. This is only my opinion, and there will be others with their own. I am not an addict and have come to my view only through deep study and through experience of addiction in relationship.

I would separate, if I were you, to keep my children's lives stable. Then I would work on myself, as you are doing, and allow at minimum two years to pass before I made a final decision regarding reunion. Free will, as Bill W. said, is the addict's right, and coercion into recovery will not work. It has to be a choice.

incitingsilence

Success stories are measured by how much time one puts into themselves, then everything is possible. It doesn’t matter if one is the addict, or the one watching. Success stories happen every day. I got the cake, extra icing too…I got healthy, he got healthy, life moved on, possibilities abound …In the beginning I learned how important it was to just allowed him to live and make the decisions he felt he needed to for whatever the reason, for whatever the lie he was telling himself, for whatever truth was in the mix. There is learning in that and in reality this wasn‘t mine I couldn‘t know. I stopped taking his addiction on, and stopped giving the addiction any power or control over my life. I also stopped the blame as well. He certainly was an awesome distraction, because hell wasn’t it so obvious how sick he was…oh please.

And the lies, the worst ones will always be the ones, one tells them self. You don’t have to believe theirs, but they sure as hell show a truth.

If anything was ever true active addiction sure looks the part, just as recovery does. Behavior, behavior, behavior, always shows truth. And even in terms of sub and the wonderful tool it can be, hell that it is for many … behavior again will show the truth as to who is working themselves and who isn’t.


My opinion, if you are done your are done. Don’t use done as some last ditch effort to get him to see. Actually no decision you feel you need to make for you, or the children should have anything to do with him. None of your boundaries should have anything to do with either, they are about you and what you need, not him and not with any motive of him getting well Nor do you need to explain. What is there is to explain, he is an addict and active, seems self explanatory.

Remove the drugs, remove the addiction and look at what is there today, not what was the past, because the past is always part of the problem, and be wary of the future as that will only be something you can make better, them getting better won’t make it fine and them staying sick shouldn’t have any effect, because this isn’t personal and never was.

Take good care of you. Trust me when I say he is a big boy and can take care of himself, just fine.

atalose

Welcome Brokenandtired,

Addiction is a hideous and baffling disease, it just stinks and I am sorry you are going through this. My exBF also was addicted to opiates and then switched and became addicted to benzo’s (xanax). He was also taking suboxone but not abusing that as it really didn’t make him high. His Dr described suboxone to us as, it’s like putting the key into the lock but it won’t turn. It helped him stay away form the opiates.

And even thought your husband may be over taking the suboxone it’s the xanax and effexor that is the more worry part.

Everyone is different on knowing when it’s time to leave… I guess when the pain of stay becomes more then the fear of leaving.

Hope you stick around, lots of good people here and so much to learn!!!!

TabulaRasa81

Yea! I found a thread on subs! You sound like me....almost all of you, that's nice as the recovering addicts sub thread is all over the place. I truly wanted some TRUTH from the perspective of the families. I read the literature and studies, that has helped some, however they never quantify based on the fact that this drug is prescribed to 'ADDICTS". Most of the sub users defend or say it's a life saver...I get it..cuz they're using it! Viscious cycle.
What I am more interested in is how do I process, what have the loved ones experienced. I know that I cannot control how my husband takes these meds, that's up to him. I hope for HIM that it works well, and he can taper off one day...and not be on them forever. I just know that I can't ever be with someone on opiods of any kind, as one of my biggest triggers was his quasi-narcolepsy BEFORE this...and that is something I have not healed From...yet.

Broken and tired, I have 2 kids also, and all trust with AH shattered by the lies, you can message me if you like?
Stay strong