lilyB2013

This is the whole crux of what's happening. He will do and say anything to get you to waver and change YOUR mind-- he will do all he can possibly do without having to change himself.

It's a hard thing to realize, because he will try and push absolutely every single button he has, use every psychological weapon at his disposal, to get you to crumble and for him to get to see his children and to get to do his drugs, too.

Please be strong-- the moment you give an inch, he will try and walk all over you.

Lily1918

the worst part is that while we are doing it we don't even realize or care that we are doing it until its already done.

this hit the nail on the head.

stay strong and you and your children will be ok.

lesliej

I think part of it has to do with denial...

if the person afflicted with addiction can still see their kids then "it's not really that bad, right?" the blame can then be put off on the co-parent who wants to "with hold the children" and since there is blame then they can be angry at the co-parent and deny that their addiction is the reason.

this twisted reasoning...deflection...manipulation is the heart of the denial and for that reason this article is very powerful anbd insightful!!!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Lily1918

that's me to a tee!!! I still have my kids my job my church my life ... its all denial

lesliej

my ex still had his nice suits and his cole haan shoes. his family provided the saab and his sister the smartphone. he could kick it and look pretty good whenever he had a few days away from the crack pipe.

so eventually I became a hybrid mix of a "beard" and a codependent freak...I became somewhat convinced that to him and also to his recovery community, family etc., I helped him (enabled him!!!) to look like it was all better than it was...re: if an attractive intelligent woman in recovery was hanging in there with him then it musn't be that bad, right?

and to myself, my community, my family etc., I was sinking deeper into the hole of codependency...crazy making behavior, frustration, despair, etc.

yikes...so glad I am off the roller coaster!

in particularly brilliant codependent fashion...I got off the ride in part for me...but also for him. I realized that while I continued to "enable" him to look like it wasn't that bad... I came to believe that I continued to feed his denial. his addict demon was eating my frustration for breakfast.

so maybe it was, in part, my own twisted ways of being codependent that helped me to get out... LOL maybe I fought fire with fire and found myself out of the relationship

still recovering!!!!!!

lesliej

what I meant by all that is this...even though it is tragically sad...an active addict can get so far down that they "need" their kids...not only for love...but as a "beard" to assure themselves that they are not as bad as they could be

if they still have access to their kids...

part of the wickedly tricked dealings with addiction.

Tleac

I have read all of the advice that was good (most of yours) several times over the week! It's been a week and 3 days since I told him he can't see the kids and he hasn't. Most days he went without bothering me too much or not at all, but there have been a couple days I've had to deal with some pretty heavy and hard manipulation and criticism. ...and as one of you said, deflection. It's been very tough. I don't know why I miss him, but I do. I will say though that it is getting easier. Especially when he continues to put everything else in life in front of his family. It's very unattractive. Today when I asked him about rehab he told me "I made a commitment to this job and once it's finished we will go from there." I about shot through the roof!!! A commitment to a job? Are you #%^+?! kidding me!!!? What about your commitment to your wife? Your family?! I still don't think I've quite cooled off from that. However, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not but I think that made me take one huge leap towards ending this for good. It makes me very sad. I wish I had my husband. But this is just a life full of misery.

Vale

....sorry you are going through this Tleac.

mstrust

i'm sorry too, tleac. i found with my addict there was always a reason not to begin recovery. always something coming up that took precedence. it was more than frustrating and said a lot to me about his level of desire/commitment to engage in getting himself healthy.