Ifinally woke up and found the strength
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
Ifinally woke up and found the strength
Hello All,
I have been married to a good man for about 2 years. I have been married to an addict for almost 8.
My husband is a drug addict! I am finally going to say it.
I have been ignoring the prescriptions hidden away where he thinks I wont find it. The numerous pharmacies and doctors who have been unknowingly helping him get his fix. The missing cash and the many items that have been "stolen" from him. The many "friends" who have needed to borrow money. The story of a family member in trouble who desparately needs money. The mood swings and paranoia. The fights that blame me for everything and finally the really sweet man that comes along when he sees that I am on to him or am suspicious.
The truth came out a few days ago and I've stopped living under a rock.We went thru this a few years ago. I had a short time of good judgement and left with my babies. He made promises I believed. He played a good acting role for about a year, then everything started to repeat itself. I cant risk my family, my mental health, the stress. He promises he will stop but not now. Hes not ready. I believed he was weaning down his meds they doses are going up. I asked him to leave, clean up and there will always be a place for him here if and when hes clean. Hes in denial, according to him hes not an addict. He gets so upset at that word.
I am leaving him. He is going to lose his family. His kids are his world bit they are not enough. Am I making the right decision?
I dont trust him anymore. I doubt everything he says. How can I live like this anymore?
I have been married to a good man for about 2 years. I have been married to an addict for almost 8.
My husband is a drug addict! I am finally going to say it.
I have been ignoring the prescriptions hidden away where he thinks I wont find it. The numerous pharmacies and doctors who have been unknowingly helping him get his fix. The missing cash and the many items that have been "stolen" from him. The many "friends" who have needed to borrow money. The story of a family member in trouble who desparately needs money. The mood swings and paranoia. The fights that blame me for everything and finally the really sweet man that comes along when he sees that I am on to him or am suspicious.
The truth came out a few days ago and I've stopped living under a rock.We went thru this a few years ago. I had a short time of good judgement and left with my babies. He made promises I believed. He played a good acting role for about a year, then everything started to repeat itself. I cant risk my family, my mental health, the stress. He promises he will stop but not now. Hes not ready. I believed he was weaning down his meds they doses are going up. I asked him to leave, clean up and there will always be a place for him here if and when hes clean. Hes in denial, according to him hes not an addict. He gets so upset at that word.
I am leaving him. He is going to lose his family. His kids are his world bit they are not enough. Am I making the right decision?
I dont trust him anymore. I doubt everything he says. How can I live like this anymore?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
Thank you. I need to find the strength. I thought ignoring it would be best for my kids but I cant be a good mom if I am not emotionally strong. If he changes good but if he kills his body with all the crap he is taking better not to have the kids around. I lost my cousin to drugs. Not an overdose but a heart attack from the abuse of the drugs. He was sober when he died.
My kids will not witness that!
My kids will not witness that!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
You are absolutely making the right decision, married - for YOU and your children!! Welcome to SR, although I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here. Read around on some of the other threads and the stickies at the top of the forum, and I think you will see rather quickly that you've made the best decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
Thank you. I am glad I found this forum. I thought of joining a support group but Im not ready to take this out in public. I live in a city where everyone knows eachother. He isnt gone yet either. Its only been a couple of days and he needs to find a place. I gave him an option of joining a support group or rehab and he wont. If hes not out in the next few days the kids and I are going to stay with my parents until he leaves. I have a feeling if my strength starts to leave me you guys will put me back in my place lol
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
marriedanaddict - welcome to SR. you are a strong and brave woman. you have to do what is right for you and most importantly, you have to do what is right for your children. no child should ever be exposed to the chaos that drug addiction brings along.
I was in your shoes about 2 yrs ago. I left my addicted husband w/ 2 small kids and being pregnant with our third. I doubted myself for so long contemplating if I did the right thing or not, hoping that he would clean up his act, etc., etc. those times of doubt do not come so much now as they did in the past, because after 2 yrs of being gone, I can't see anything different. like your husband, mine also adored his kids. unfortunately, he is not able to see what his drug use would be doing to them. I saw it though. the way my daughter did not understand at 4 yrs old why does daddy have to go see his friends instead of playing at home with her, the way she was hurt when he missed her soccer practice, because he was "too tired" (actually hung over from previous night) and the list goes on and would have went on for much longer have we not left. he never requested visitation rights and does not see his kids at all unless we run into him someplace.
I feel so sad for him, but know that I have made the right choice for myself and my kids.
not sure if this helps you any. I hope that it does. I just wanted to extend my welcome and let you know that you are not alone, sadly. stay strong for your kids, because they do not have the choice. we have to be responsible enough to provide them with a safe and drug free environment. the choices that we make for them today will impact their lives in the future.
hugs and hope to you. stay strong. it does get easier.
I was in your shoes about 2 yrs ago. I left my addicted husband w/ 2 small kids and being pregnant with our third. I doubted myself for so long contemplating if I did the right thing or not, hoping that he would clean up his act, etc., etc. those times of doubt do not come so much now as they did in the past, because after 2 yrs of being gone, I can't see anything different. like your husband, mine also adored his kids. unfortunately, he is not able to see what his drug use would be doing to them. I saw it though. the way my daughter did not understand at 4 yrs old why does daddy have to go see his friends instead of playing at home with her, the way she was hurt when he missed her soccer practice, because he was "too tired" (actually hung over from previous night) and the list goes on and would have went on for much longer have we not left. he never requested visitation rights and does not see his kids at all unless we run into him someplace.
I feel so sad for him, but know that I have made the right choice for myself and my kids.
not sure if this helps you any. I hope that it does. I just wanted to extend my welcome and let you know that you are not alone, sadly. stay strong for your kids, because they do not have the choice. we have to be responsible enough to provide them with a safe and drug free environment. the choices that we make for them today will impact their lives in the future.
hugs and hope to you. stay strong. it does get easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Married an addict...I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I want to welcome you to the forum. I know you will find strength and clarity here. I think you are already one step ahead of the game because you aren't asking what you can do to fix him. You are asking what is best for you and your kids. You clearly have your priorities right. My addict is my son so I don't always feel I have the best advice for partners but the feelings of powerlessness and frustration are the same. We can't love them clean but they can choose sobriety for themselves at any point. Stay strong...once we start making decisions that are in our own best interest you'll be amazed at how natural that becomes. Wishing you strength as you work through this. You'll have a lot of cheerleaders here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
I dont know if Im being manipulated. He want to stop and thinks he can do it without help. I made an appointment with his family doctor tomorrow and he knows if he doesnt go (with me there) its over between us. He is being too agreeable. He is agreeing to my conditions, says we can do this anyway I want. I think he is trying to manipulate me again. I went to my doctor today because i am starting to suffer from anxiety, and I need to know how to cope without medication. I have an appointment with a thrapist this week too. But tomorrow when we go to his doctor what should i say? I want to be honest but i dont want to get him in trouble legally seeing multiple doctors. Any advice?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Please read Nytepassion's last post on Tieac's thread. She is a recovering addict and codependent and her wisdom has always been spot on for me, my husband and his addiction.
While your situation may be different, I can tell you that did not work for my husband. He wanted his drugs, his wife and family and was willing to do anything, lie and manipulate to get it. Sad to say, it worked many times too. I was a slow learner, lol.
While your situation may be different, I can tell you that did not work for my husband. He wanted his drugs, his wife and family and was willing to do anything, lie and manipulate to get it. Sad to say, it worked many times too. I was a slow learner, lol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
I feel sick to my stomach. Everything is riding on this appointment tomorrow. If he denies anything or lies to the doctor I am done. That thought scares me so much. The idea that we can never have what we had before. The idea of being alone and without him. I am so scared of what I need to do.I have been mess the last week, I dont sleep, I cry all the time, I keep questioning my decisions. I know I am making the right choice but my conscience feels like I am turing my back on him. I am scared of him hitting rock bottom if I walk away. My kids are young, they wont understand why daddy had to go.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He is in denial, refuses rehab, and refuses to attend meetings....
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Please seek out help for you, either through alanon, naranon or a private therapist with addiction knowledge. I learned the hard way, I could not do it alone. Your in my prayers.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Please seek out help for you, either through alanon, naranon or a private therapist with addiction knowledge. I learned the hard way, I could not do it alone. Your in my prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My heart and prayers go out for you and your children, and for him too.
Only you can make the decision to stay or leave, and you don't have to decide today. The answer will come.
One thing that does concern me is that he hides his medications. What if a child finds them? And eats them? I'm not sure how old your children are but children have a way of finding these things and it can be very very dangerous to have medications anywhere near where they might find them...or see them being hidden.
Hugs
Only you can make the decision to stay or leave, and you don't have to decide today. The answer will come.
One thing that does concern me is that he hides his medications. What if a child finds them? And eats them? I'm not sure how old your children are but children have a way of finding these things and it can be very very dangerous to have medications anywhere near where they might find them...or see them being hidden.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
The decision needs to be made now while im strong. I cant wait. As far as hiding the meds they are in the garage or at work where the kids cant get them. When i found them they were up high and locked up.
Our appointment with his doctor is in a few hours. Well see how honest he will be or if he will deny everything. At least he has agreed to this. He has no idea that his actions today will seal our fate. Ive told him but i strongly believe he thinks they are empty threats. Wish me luck
Our appointment with his doctor is in a few hours. Well see how honest he will be or if he will deny everything. At least he has agreed to this. He has no idea that his actions today will seal our fate. Ive told him but i strongly believe he thinks they are empty threats. Wish me luck
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Married. I hope your husband takes the opportunity today to move in a positive direction in his life I will be praying for you and your family.
I see where you had said: I am scared of him hitting rock bottom if I walk away.
I don't know your definition of rock bottom but I do know many have to hit one before they stop.
I see where you had said: I am scared of him hitting rock bottom if I walk away.
I don't know your definition of rock bottom but I do know many have to hit one before they stop.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
Rock bottom would be to completely leave his kids for drugs or OD.
I know its a risk we take when we do whats best for us to avoid hitting our own rock bottom. My kids come first!
Thank you for all the support. You have no idea how much this has helped me.God bless you all for the kind words and caring you have shown to someone you do not know.
May God grant me the strenth to face my demons and push them away.
I know its a risk we take when we do whats best for us to avoid hitting our own rock bottom. My kids come first!
Thank you for all the support. You have no idea how much this has helped me.God bless you all for the kind words and caring you have shown to someone you do not know.
May God grant me the strenth to face my demons and push them away.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
Have you tried going to any Al-Anon pr Nar-Anon meetings. Maybe those that share the same problem as you do may be able to give you some more perspective on your situation.
I wish you well, stay strong and do what's best for you & your family.
I wish you well, stay strong and do what's best for you & your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Married...many of us will be here with support and prayers for you, you are not alone.
Beware of black and white thinking. One day at a time is a big help in any recovery group. I needed all the support I could find...friends, family members, a therapist...but most importantly those who have some insight into addiction and codependency...whatever group or method it is. Personally I have been part of both AA and al anon, and of course SR has been a major help!!!
Black and white thinking can traumatize you with thoughts of "never" and create ultimatums that might be too great for your heart and spirit to handle right now. Lose the "never" and gain the "now"...
for now you need some space, you need some distance, you need some clarity and you need some support.
you are heading in the right direction, and you are right where you need to be...awake, reaching out, and taking action for yourself and your children. you cannot take action for him.
the 3C's of al anon are this"
you didn't CAUSE it
you can't CONTROL it
and you can't CURE it
that is his work.
get some serenity, perspective and much needed rest by losing the black and white thinking, life is often both/and rather than an either/or
you can care for him and love him AND still need to leave him while he is active
praying for you!
Beware of black and white thinking. One day at a time is a big help in any recovery group. I needed all the support I could find...friends, family members, a therapist...but most importantly those who have some insight into addiction and codependency...whatever group or method it is. Personally I have been part of both AA and al anon, and of course SR has been a major help!!!
Black and white thinking can traumatize you with thoughts of "never" and create ultimatums that might be too great for your heart and spirit to handle right now. Lose the "never" and gain the "now"...
for now you need some space, you need some distance, you need some clarity and you need some support.
you are heading in the right direction, and you are right where you need to be...awake, reaching out, and taking action for yourself and your children. you cannot take action for him.
the 3C's of al anon are this"
you didn't CAUSE it
you can't CONTROL it
and you can't CURE it
that is his work.
get some serenity, perspective and much needed rest by losing the black and white thinking, life is often both/and rather than an either/or
you can care for him and love him AND still need to leave him while he is active
praying for you!
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