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i am just terrible at this. awful. you guys... i'm struggling. i don't know how to stop feeling guilty for not wanting this relationship anymore. the addict has been texting me again today but now the tone has changed. today he is so sorry...and it's all about me not talking and me not being able to listen and me being all over the place. this is not an accurate representation of events. i know this. i feel like this is what he does when he starts realizing he has screwed himself and wants to make everything "back to normal" and act like nothing has actually happened. he is still gone and he is telling me that he is almost done his time there. he said the same thing a month ago. and of course, he says, NOW i decide to tell him i don't want to be in this anymore, when he is almost ready to come home and i leave him with nowhere to go. i can see my own posts on here that indicate WHEN i said things and i know i've repeated myself to him. it isn't my fault if he is choosing to conveniently ignore me and pretend i never said anything. the very last straw for me was when i found he had filled a prescription for codeine and he denied having taken any despite the fact that his behavior toward me was EXACTLY the same as when he was here and using. anyone who commented to me agreed that it sounded like he was using again. and truthfully, even if he didn't take any of those pills, i just do not want to live this way anymore. with constant doubt, no trust for good reason, anxiety, chaos...always something. i want a chance at happiness. i want to have a relationship that is healthy. i want to fully get myself back and i can't do that in this situation. i can't. why do i feel sorry for him? why do i feel obligated? why do i feel guilty?? i know that there are not necessarily answers to these questions... sometimes it would be nice to be able to really shut down and not care at all. :wild |
cut off the contact. quit reading the texts. save your sanity! |
i want a chance at happiness. i want to have a relationship that is healthy. i want to fully get myself back and i can't do that in this situation. i can't. |
even if i do that, it's not going to make this disgusting feeling of guilt magically disappear. last night i VERY SLOWLY AND METHODICALLY read over this post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html i recognize myself in so much of this. so much!! |
you are right, there is no magic fix, no instant fix....only a process. but that process can't start until YOU take the first step! it's up to YOU and you alone. |
Hi mstrust....maybe you're trying to be too nice and could be leaving a window open. Direct communication is probably best. Texting is hard because there is no tone. Nothing wrong with a "while we've been apart it has become clear to me I lost myself in our relationship. The only relationship I want right now is with my higher power while I rebuild my sense of self and well being". Of course..."beat it" works too. ;) |
"No" is a complete answer to anything he says. Anything more than that is another ride around the merry go round. Even better than that is no contact though. Then you can fully focus on you without interruption. Hugs to you. |
Originally Posted by mstrust
(Post 3995464)
you guys... i'm struggling. i don't know how to stop feeling guilty for not wanting this relationship anymore. the addict has been texting me again today but now the tone has changed. today he is so sorry...and it's all about me not talking and me not being able to listen and me being all over the place. this is not an accurate representation of events. i know this. i feel like this is what he does when he starts realizing he has screwed himself and wants to make everything "back to normal" and act like nothing has actually happened. he is still gone and he is telling me that he is almost done his time there. he said the same thing a month ago. and of course, he says, NOW i decide to tell him i don't want to be in this anymore, when he is almost ready to come home and i leave him with nowhere to go. i can see my own posts on here that indicate WHEN i said things and i know i've repeated myself to him. it isn't my fault if he is choosing to conveniently ignore me and pretend i never said anything. the very last straw for me was when i found he had filled a prescription for codeine and he denied having taken any despite the fact that his behavior toward me was EXACTLY the same as when he was here and using. anyone who commented to me agreed that it sounded like he was using again. and truthfully, even if he didn't take any of those pills, i just do not want to live this way anymore. with constant doubt, no trust for good reason, anxiety, chaos...always something. i want a chance at happiness. i want to have a relationship that is healthy. i want to fully get myself back and i can't do that in this situation. i can't. why do i feel sorry for him? why do i feel obligated? why do i feel guilty?? i know that there are not necessarily answers to these questions... sometimes it would be nice to be able to really shut down and not care at all. :wild FOMO -fear of missing out. Don't give on us,baby......just give us one,more try, la la la la la la. ( I forget the actual words to the song). You are throwing away a winning lottery ticket,or a chance to buy Apple stock at $1/share.That's the message. See it through,don't give up the day before the big payoff.Perseverance ALWAYS pays off for those patient enough to 'see it through' Change your perspective.Know that you ARE INDEED missing out, on some unknown fella out there.One who will treat you like a queen,tiara and all. But you never found him 'cuz you were hoping for a happy ending in a book ( addiction) ......that HAS no happy endings. Ever read a crappy,long book? After about 300 pages,you have invested much ------ and NEED to see it through,even though the damned book is'nt getting any better. That's what I USED to do when I was younger.Now I am more adept at saying--This book is crap.I paid my $6 for it and I was rooked. I'm not gonna waste more of my valuable time. Book,meet trash can. |
You feel sorry for him because you love him? You feel obligated to him because you love him? You feel guilty because you love him? I still love my xah. If he would of given me a chance, I would of tried to make it work. We were married and had a child together. We were together for 16 years. What I didn't realize then, but realize now, is there is no relationship with an active addict. None. It just can't happen. At least not a healthy one. I let go. The pain got less in less. The love changed into something else. I am happy now. It can happen. I could only get to this point with no contact, or minimal contact. Love gets you nowhere. Your feelings are valid. There is only so much you can take on the addict coaster. Maybe it is time you get off and work on you. You need to heal. You need healthy. I would go no contact if possible. Good luck. |
mstrust, are you going to al anon. I think a program and a sponsor might help. He is reeling you in, you are not seeing the reality, you maybe want the fantasy. I'm not sure love has anything to do with it. It might just be your disease. |
mstrust, are you going to al anon. I think a program and a sponsor might help. He is reeling you in, you are not seeing the reality, you maybe want the fantasy. I'm not sure love has anything to do with it. It might just be your disease. If you google love vs co dependency you will get some hits. |
oooooooooooopppppppppppppppppssssss sorry |
no question i'm codependent. i don't even think i love him anymore. i care, but it's not like it used to be. at all. i'm working on these issues that keep me hooked. at the same time, i feel bad for him and his situation. it's not my responsibility, but it's hard to let it go. |
>>>>>>>>>it's not my responsibility, but it's hard to let it go.<<<<<<<<< yes,it is. |
it is...hard to let go of the responsibility, right??? not that yes, i am responsible for him? |
I took my ex addict back 2x after she stole money from me. She told me it was because of a gambling problem but she was getting help and had a sponsor. The third time she stole and pawned jewelry that is of sentimental value and irreplaceable. It makes me sick. I found out she is a major drug addict with a long history including heroin, pills, etc. Now she is facing charges and he judge ordered her to stay clear of me. Do you need it to come to that? It is very hard and painful but I have learned addicts are addicts and are all full of rubbish while using and not in a program. Trust me I know it is painful and there are times it kills me and I feel so weak and all I want to do is talk to her and hold her but that is my sickness. I have emailed her 1x, wrote to her 1x while she was in jail until someone bailed her out and even contacted her Dad via email. Pretty much telling her I care and begging her to get help and get honest. All that did was make me feel better for one second and then feel crazy. It is super hard but letting go is the answer. Trust in God. Right here going through this with you. |
Originally Posted by mstrust
(Post 3996495)
it is...hard to let go of the responsibility, right??? not that yes, i am responsible for him? it is very hard to let it go( responsibility) you are in no way,shape,or form responsible for HIS decisions. One thing that can't go unnoticed around here is how EASY and OBVIOUS the egress option is,From the outside looking in.The phrase "easier said than done" comes to mind. |
Originally Posted by mstrust
(Post 3995913)
no question i'm codependent. i don't even think i love him anymore. i care, but it's not like it used to be. at all. i'm working on these issues that keep me hooked. at the same time, i feel bad for him and his situation. it's not my responsibility, but it's hard to let it go. At some point you just have to do it. Make he commitment and do it. Commit to yourself, not him. |
thank you, katiekate and everyone else... i really need to just let go for good. last night i got an email from him that was all about how sorry he is and how much he loves me and that i am the best thing that ever happened to him and i made him believe in god again. he can't imagine his life without me and just wishes there was a way to fix things but he doesn't know where to start. i replied with what i think was a very reasonable message back about feeling that i can't talk to him about things without him becoming angry with me and not knowing how to respond to him when he is saying such nice things to me again now that have recently also been followed by how awful i am. i explained my need for honesty. i told him i really hope he can embrace recovery and i just want him to be healthy and ok. i apologized again for not always handling things right. etc. and so on. he responded to my email with anger. blamed me for not talking to me while he's been gone. told me again that i slammed the door in his face and i'm so hurtful he can't even believe it. accused me of being "all over the road" when i have been saying "the same things over and over". makes no sense. won't. he paid no attention to anything i said in my email to him...he didn't get the response he wanted from me so i am back to heartless and cold. i can't keep up and i'm to the point where it's becoming almost impossible to care. |
he didn't get the response he wanted from me bingo, baby, you just GOT it. I know it may be unsettling, but you just got the magic key. |
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