How can I stop loving him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
How can I stop loving him?
My husband is a selfish, manipulative addict/alcoholic jerk and everyone can see that, BUT ME!Or my heart anyway! I pray that I would wake up one morning and not love him anymore so that I could just easily walk away. NOT THAT EASY!!! People tell me to just get a divorce. That will not make me not love him anymore. I talked to him this morning and AGAIN heard how his drinking/using is NOT the problem in our marriage. That it is me and my immaturity and being so dramatic. He told me that he doesn't care about me being on bed rest and being sick. Another part of my drama and,"talk to the doctor about it, not me."That I am just upsetting myself and will never grow up.That, I should be worrying about the bills. That I have said too many unforgivable things. That I make him miserable. That he hates me for it.I CAN NOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!! I keep wishing that I had something that would just kill me instead of keep me sick and in pain all the time!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
i'm sure you've read it here before... but when the pain of staying is worse than your fear of leaving, you will let go. and you don't have to stop loving him to do it. sometimes, as i've read, when we love someone we HAVE to let them go so they can get better.
he doesn't care if you're sick? YOU have said unforgivable things?? i've heard that too...all about all the damage i've done with my reactions. you know what? fine then. ok. maybe you have said things out of anger or being upset that were not the nicest things you could have said. sounds like he suffers from the same problem anyway, doesn't it??? you make him miserable and he hates you for it??? that's terrible. and to my eyes and brain being on the outside, it all seems like manipulation to me. he knows you will take on the responsibility and take all of this to heart and blame yourself. just like mine knows that i tend to do that myself.
as long as he keeps telling himself that his addiction(s) aren't the problem, he is not going to change. maybe he doesn't see it as a problem, but YOU do. YOU don't want to live like this. and this is how it is right now. i keep thinking to myself that if i really end things now, it will suck. it will hurt. it will take a long time to get over it. BUT, if i stay in this, i am possibly setting myself up for never-ending chaos, uncertainty, stress, anxiety, pain. in other words, the pain of ending things will be temporary. and it gets progressively better. the pain of staying is indefinite right now.
i feel like a hypocrite. you and i could almost be with the same guy. i am thinking of you...
he doesn't care if you're sick? YOU have said unforgivable things?? i've heard that too...all about all the damage i've done with my reactions. you know what? fine then. ok. maybe you have said things out of anger or being upset that were not the nicest things you could have said. sounds like he suffers from the same problem anyway, doesn't it??? you make him miserable and he hates you for it??? that's terrible. and to my eyes and brain being on the outside, it all seems like manipulation to me. he knows you will take on the responsibility and take all of this to heart and blame yourself. just like mine knows that i tend to do that myself.
as long as he keeps telling himself that his addiction(s) aren't the problem, he is not going to change. maybe he doesn't see it as a problem, but YOU do. YOU don't want to live like this. and this is how it is right now. i keep thinking to myself that if i really end things now, it will suck. it will hurt. it will take a long time to get over it. BUT, if i stay in this, i am possibly setting myself up for never-ending chaos, uncertainty, stress, anxiety, pain. in other words, the pain of ending things will be temporary. and it gets progressively better. the pain of staying is indefinite right now.
i feel like a hypocrite. you and i could almost be with the same guy. i am thinking of you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
Thank you, mstrust. EVERY aspect of our relationship is my fault (to him)for nagging, trying to control him when I can't even control myself or my "brat"kids.(Not true.) for blaming his drinking and using, my "nut job"reactions, not being "cool "like I was in the beginning, not being immature, irresponsible, a "drama queen ",making his life miserable (yet he choose to stay with his mother who is BY FAR"the most miserable person I've ever met),never giving him credit for anything he's done, speaking horribly to him,hurting him,kicking him out, calling /texting too much, ect.ect.ect
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Blame and Addiction
The Blame Game
Blaming other people means never having to say sorry. If other people are responsible for the bad things that happen in life then the individual can avoid feelings of culpability. Blame involves making a judgment about other people. When blame is apportioned it devalues that other person in the eyes of the individual making this judgment. Those who fall into addiction will frequently blame other people for their predicament. It is only when they take responsibility for their situation that they can be free.
Blame Defined
To blame somebody for something means to to hold them responsible for something that has happened. Another way of looking at blame is to say that the cause of suffering can be attributed to a conscious being. People do say things like the weather is to blame, but by doing this they are implying that the weather has the ability to make conscious decisions.
Blame and Grandiosity
Grandiosity means that the individual has an unrealistic sense of their own importance. Those who exhibit grandiosity will find it hard to accept any criticism and when things go wrong they will quickly find reasons to blame other people. No matter how bad this individual messes up their life they will always have somebody else to blame. Some individuals experience excessive grandiosity as part of a mental health problem known as narcissistic personality disorder.
Self-Blame
Self-blame is a condition where the individual feels responsible for the actions done by another person who has harmed them. This type of guilt is common with rape victims and others who have been through a traumatic event. It is suggested that the individual will resort to self-blame because of their feelings of powerless. If they blame themselves for what has happened it means that they may be able to stop it occurring again in the future. By admitting that they are not to blame for the event they may need to accept that it was beyond their control. It is understandable that people like to believe in a just world, but unfortunately bad things happen to good people all the time. Part of getting over self-blame may be accepting that the world might not be inherently just.
Addiction and Victim Blaming
It was once believed that anyone who fell into addiction did so because they were immoral or just bad people. In the last century this type of attitude began to be considered as victim blaming. The disease theory of addiction put forward the idea that the individual was as much to blame for their condition as the cancer victim. There is still a great deal of debate about whether or not addiction is a disease – some addicts may even use this as justification to carry on their current trajectory. The more modern view of addiction is that while the individual might not be to blame for their problems they are responsible for their own recovery.
Addiction and Blame
The blame game is something that addicts can use to justify their addiction. They can use it alongside denial to remain in their self-imposed hell. The addict will usually be able to provide many reasons for their substance abuse and most of these will involve blame. The typical examples of this include:
Other people make them feel miserable so that they have to drink to feel better
Other people criticize their drinking so now they have to hide it
Their parents made their childhood difficult. Those in recovery can later see the foolishness of such blaming with the humorous comment, I may not have had the best childhood, but I certainly had the longest one.
Those responsible for the education system did not provide them the right opportunities.
Their boss expects too much from them. Work is too stressful so they need alcohol or drugs to unwind.
Their ex broke their heart and substance abuse helps them cope
Their friends are all have alcohol or drug users so it is their fault for offering so much encouragement.
They joined an addiction recovery group and these individuals brainwashed them into believing that substance abuse was a problem. This is the reason why their alcohol or drug use is no longer enjoyable.
The government has ruined the country and the only option is to stay inebriated.
The banks have ruined the economy so there are no jobs around.
Humans have destroyed the planet so it makes sense to party in the last days.
They were indoctrinated into a religion and blame this for their current addiction.
The opposite sex doesn’t find them attractive so they need to resort to alcohol or drugs for comfort.
The Dangers of Blaming in Addiction
If the individual is focused on blaming other people it can keep them trapped in their addiction. This is because the addict has no control over other people; they only have control over themselves. The dangers of focusing on blame include:
It provides a justification for further substance abuse
Blame encourages a whole host of negative emotions that prevent people from thinking clearly.
Blame benefits nobody.
Blame can prevent the individual from acknowledging their own faults.
Blame is often just an excuse for poor behavior.
Blame in Recovery
In order for people to build a successful life away from addiction they will need to take responsibility for their own life. This means they can no longer act like a ball in a pinball machine using blame as the flipper. Emotional sobriety means dealing with life in a more honest way and taking control of things. Those who continue to focus on blame will be unlikely to get the most out of recovery. They will end up relapsing because somebody else made them do it, or they will develop dry drunk syndrome. To say that somebody is a dry drunk means that the only thing in their life that has really changed is that they no longer drink or do drugs – their behavior may still be appalling.
Admitting to Mistakes
If people are to become emotional sober they will need to be able to admit to their own mistakes. If their initial urge when something goes wrong is to blame other people this will prevent them from acknowledging the part they played in the event. Of course there will be many things that happen to people where they will not be responsible, but it is not a good idea to always rush to judgment. In order for people to become successful they will likely make many mistakes along the way. The worst thing that people can do with their mistake is to try to ignore it or blame other people for it. It is only by acknowledging mistakes that people can learn from them and grow. There is nothing to be learned by apportioning blame.
Source: Blame and Addiction
The Blame Game
Blaming other people means never having to say sorry. If other people are responsible for the bad things that happen in life then the individual can avoid feelings of culpability. Blame involves making a judgment about other people. When blame is apportioned it devalues that other person in the eyes of the individual making this judgment. Those who fall into addiction will frequently blame other people for their predicament. It is only when they take responsibility for their situation that they can be free.
Blame Defined
To blame somebody for something means to to hold them responsible for something that has happened. Another way of looking at blame is to say that the cause of suffering can be attributed to a conscious being. People do say things like the weather is to blame, but by doing this they are implying that the weather has the ability to make conscious decisions.
Blame and Grandiosity
Grandiosity means that the individual has an unrealistic sense of their own importance. Those who exhibit grandiosity will find it hard to accept any criticism and when things go wrong they will quickly find reasons to blame other people. No matter how bad this individual messes up their life they will always have somebody else to blame. Some individuals experience excessive grandiosity as part of a mental health problem known as narcissistic personality disorder.
Self-Blame
Self-blame is a condition where the individual feels responsible for the actions done by another person who has harmed them. This type of guilt is common with rape victims and others who have been through a traumatic event. It is suggested that the individual will resort to self-blame because of their feelings of powerless. If they blame themselves for what has happened it means that they may be able to stop it occurring again in the future. By admitting that they are not to blame for the event they may need to accept that it was beyond their control. It is understandable that people like to believe in a just world, but unfortunately bad things happen to good people all the time. Part of getting over self-blame may be accepting that the world might not be inherently just.
Addiction and Victim Blaming
It was once believed that anyone who fell into addiction did so because they were immoral or just bad people. In the last century this type of attitude began to be considered as victim blaming. The disease theory of addiction put forward the idea that the individual was as much to blame for their condition as the cancer victim. There is still a great deal of debate about whether or not addiction is a disease – some addicts may even use this as justification to carry on their current trajectory. The more modern view of addiction is that while the individual might not be to blame for their problems they are responsible for their own recovery.
Addiction and Blame
The blame game is something that addicts can use to justify their addiction. They can use it alongside denial to remain in their self-imposed hell. The addict will usually be able to provide many reasons for their substance abuse and most of these will involve blame. The typical examples of this include:
Other people make them feel miserable so that they have to drink to feel better
Other people criticize their drinking so now they have to hide it
Their parents made their childhood difficult. Those in recovery can later see the foolishness of such blaming with the humorous comment, I may not have had the best childhood, but I certainly had the longest one.
Those responsible for the education system did not provide them the right opportunities.
Their boss expects too much from them. Work is too stressful so they need alcohol or drugs to unwind.
Their ex broke their heart and substance abuse helps them cope
Their friends are all have alcohol or drug users so it is their fault for offering so much encouragement.
They joined an addiction recovery group and these individuals brainwashed them into believing that substance abuse was a problem. This is the reason why their alcohol or drug use is no longer enjoyable.
The government has ruined the country and the only option is to stay inebriated.
The banks have ruined the economy so there are no jobs around.
Humans have destroyed the planet so it makes sense to party in the last days.
They were indoctrinated into a religion and blame this for their current addiction.
The opposite sex doesn’t find them attractive so they need to resort to alcohol or drugs for comfort.
The Dangers of Blaming in Addiction
If the individual is focused on blaming other people it can keep them trapped in their addiction. This is because the addict has no control over other people; they only have control over themselves. The dangers of focusing on blame include:
It provides a justification for further substance abuse
Blame encourages a whole host of negative emotions that prevent people from thinking clearly.
Blame benefits nobody.
Blame can prevent the individual from acknowledging their own faults.
Blame is often just an excuse for poor behavior.
Blame in Recovery
In order for people to build a successful life away from addiction they will need to take responsibility for their own life. This means they can no longer act like a ball in a pinball machine using blame as the flipper. Emotional sobriety means dealing with life in a more honest way and taking control of things. Those who continue to focus on blame will be unlikely to get the most out of recovery. They will end up relapsing because somebody else made them do it, or they will develop dry drunk syndrome. To say that somebody is a dry drunk means that the only thing in their life that has really changed is that they no longer drink or do drugs – their behavior may still be appalling.
Admitting to Mistakes
If people are to become emotional sober they will need to be able to admit to their own mistakes. If their initial urge when something goes wrong is to blame other people this will prevent them from acknowledging the part they played in the event. Of course there will be many things that happen to people where they will not be responsible, but it is not a good idea to always rush to judgment. In order for people to become successful they will likely make many mistakes along the way. The worst thing that people can do with their mistake is to try to ignore it or blame other people for it. It is only by acknowledging mistakes that people can learn from them and grow. There is nothing to be learned by apportioning blame.
Source: Blame and Addiction
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Thanks for that post NYT. My ex blamed everyone in the world.......every ex girlfriend, his parents, his work, me, his friends, on and on. The list was endless.
But then again...I blamed him for everything in our relationship and my misery. I gave him that power. yuck. So glad those days are over.
But then again...I blamed him for everything in our relationship and my misery. I gave him that power. yuck. So glad those days are over.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
How can you stop loving him? Let go.
I loved my xah dearly. He was the love of my life and my best friend. He betrayed me, and I still wanted him back. It was pretty pathetic, but I loved him.
I still love him, and probably always will, but it is different now. We were together for 16 years, and he just abandoned me and my son. It has been about 2 years and I still think about him. Not as much as I uase to. The pain isn't near what it was before. I have learned that I am in charge of my hapiness. I have a great son, job and friends. It isn't always easy, but I cherrish every moment. I see this as a new chapter in my story. I try to see the life lessons and learn from them.
It really will get better.
I loved my xah dearly. He was the love of my life and my best friend. He betrayed me, and I still wanted him back. It was pretty pathetic, but I loved him.
I still love him, and probably always will, but it is different now. We were together for 16 years, and he just abandoned me and my son. It has been about 2 years and I still think about him. Not as much as I uase to. The pain isn't near what it was before. I have learned that I am in charge of my hapiness. I have a great son, job and friends. It isn't always easy, but I cherrish every moment. I see this as a new chapter in my story. I try to see the life lessons and learn from them.
It really will get better.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Maybe you don't stop loving him.
Maybe you'll always love him.
But just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with him. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you overlook all the horrible things they do.
ZoSo
Maybe you'll always love him.
But just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with him. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you overlook all the horrible things they do.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 154
Originally Posted by zoso77 
Maybe you don't stop loving him.
Maybe you'll always love him.
But just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with him. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you overlook all the horrible things they do.
ZoSo
Maybe you'll always love him.
But just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with him. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you overlook all the horrible things they do.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we can all "love" things that aren't good for us. part of our maturation process is to REALIZE that and learn to keep those toxic things OUT of our lives. THIS man is very toxic....the words are says to you like a sewer backup....stinky, unpleasant and just plain CRAP.
i just don't think someone who has THAT type of attitude towards you and just about every THING about you is ever going to be a good partner. he has way too much animosity and heaps way too much abuse upon you AND he's addict.
i just don't think someone who has THAT type of attitude towards you and just about every THING about you is ever going to be a good partner. he has way too much animosity and heaps way too much abuse upon you AND he's addict.
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