Why does this have to be so hard?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
Why does this have to be so hard?
My husband called last night and I didn't get to the phone. I didn't call him back since he was calling from his mother's phone. I woke up this morning feeling the sorest I have felt yet from the rheumatoid arthritis. I could barely walk down the stairs. I'm only 35 and as in great health before this all suddenly struck. I went back upstairs to try to relax a bit and the phone rang.It was my husband. He asked me why I didn't answer or call back last night. I told him that it was because I missed his call and his mother told me not to call her house. He told me that I need to grow up.I told him that I was feeling awful and he half asked what was going on with my appointments. He said that I needed help around the house and wanted to work things out so he can come home and help me.I asked him why he would leave me almost as soon as I went on bed rest and he said that he couldn't take my behavior. My nagging and insults. I told him that I can't allow the drinking didn't mention anything about the pills because I knew that he would argue the point of his shoulder.) He brought it up anyways and said that I won't even let him take what is prescribed. NOT TRUE! He told me that he can only "try" to cut down his drinking and that his drinking is not the problem, it's me.That I won't listen. That my crying isn't going to make him feel bad.I. KNOW THAT!!!He said that he walked out on me because he doesn't think that arguing around the children is good for them. OH,BUT DRINKING AND DDRUG ABUSE IS?!He told me that I was starting to upset his mother and her health can't take it.WHAT?!?!AND THIS IS GREAT FOR MINE!!! Then,he got nasty with me and hung up.Said that I ruined any chance of us working out our marriage. I CAN NOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! Why do I have to be the stupid one on here that can't give up my failed marriage? 
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
oh my goodness. jzeb. i hardly have room to talk here and i fully acknowledge this. i have allowed my addict to get to me so many times in so many ways. but as an outsider, it's easier to see. plus, there isn't the same emotional investment.
this guy is straight-up manipulative. my addict walked out on me to go somewhere where he could take pills in peace AND have them given to him all the while telling me that it was MY fault he was leaving and he just couldn't take MY behavior anymore. he said the EXACT same things. he also told me that i WANTED him to be in pain because i called him out on abusing "prescription" drugs. i can only theorize and can't begin to say anything for fact because i'm not in anyone's head, but it almost seems to me that your husband KNOWS he is being a jacka** for not helping you while you're sick and that his "attempt" to work things out and come help you was more of an act than anything sincere. now he can say, see, i tried and you slammed the door in my face. this is how mine operates almost continually. i posted somewhere else that he even said to me that i wouldn't do the ONE THING that would fix our relationship.
they do not take into consideration that, whether our behavior is healthy or not, that it is a REACTION to what is happening. would you be upset with him and 'on his case' and 'not listening' if the drugs and alcohol were out of the picture? i would guess not. do you find that anyone else in your life has any of the same complaints about you that he does?? i bet they don't.
it's all a bunch of crap. really.
i'm sorry you feel so bad...physically and emotionally. if you were in great health and then all this suddenly struck you, i wouldn't be surprised if a lot of it was directly related to the stress you are dealing with and i bet some of it would get better with more focus on yourself and doing what you need to in order to get better all around. i know you didn't seem thrilled with the idea of therapy that someone brought up before, but it really does help. i also understand that you have a S**T-TON going on and it's hard to think of ONE MORE THING to add to it. if you really can't do therapy, keep reading on here. go back in time on this board and read and reread. google search for situations similar to yours and what other people found helpful. that's what i've done and keep doing. i'm slowly getting better. i've been on here for almost a year now and i still have issues with all of this, of course, but i am nowhere near the mess i was when i started.
i wish you the best. keep posting.
this guy is straight-up manipulative. my addict walked out on me to go somewhere where he could take pills in peace AND have them given to him all the while telling me that it was MY fault he was leaving and he just couldn't take MY behavior anymore. he said the EXACT same things. he also told me that i WANTED him to be in pain because i called him out on abusing "prescription" drugs. i can only theorize and can't begin to say anything for fact because i'm not in anyone's head, but it almost seems to me that your husband KNOWS he is being a jacka** for not helping you while you're sick and that his "attempt" to work things out and come help you was more of an act than anything sincere. now he can say, see, i tried and you slammed the door in my face. this is how mine operates almost continually. i posted somewhere else that he even said to me that i wouldn't do the ONE THING that would fix our relationship.
they do not take into consideration that, whether our behavior is healthy or not, that it is a REACTION to what is happening. would you be upset with him and 'on his case' and 'not listening' if the drugs and alcohol were out of the picture? i would guess not. do you find that anyone else in your life has any of the same complaints about you that he does?? i bet they don't.
it's all a bunch of crap. really.
i'm sorry you feel so bad...physically and emotionally. if you were in great health and then all this suddenly struck you, i wouldn't be surprised if a lot of it was directly related to the stress you are dealing with and i bet some of it would get better with more focus on yourself and doing what you need to in order to get better all around. i know you didn't seem thrilled with the idea of therapy that someone brought up before, but it really does help. i also understand that you have a S**T-TON going on and it's hard to think of ONE MORE THING to add to it. if you really can't do therapy, keep reading on here. go back in time on this board and read and reread. google search for situations similar to yours and what other people found helpful. that's what i've done and keep doing. i'm slowly getting better. i've been on here for almost a year now and i still have issues with all of this, of course, but i am nowhere near the mess i was when i started.
i wish you the best. keep posting.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Deep breath. Relax. Repeat...
Now. You asked:
You're not stupid. What you are is in emotional upheaval, and anyone in your situation would be.
I'd like to make a suggestion to you, and when I do, I'd like you to have as open a mind as possible.
A common element in your posts, either explicit or implicit, is how your husband has done this to you. What I'd like you to do is stop being his victim. You're not powerless, although you may, at your worst, feel that way. Summon everything you've learned in Al Anon, and decide that your husband, so long as he's behaving the way he is, is a lost cause. There is nothing in his behavior or actions that indicate he's prepared to assume responsibility for his choices and how they've adversely impacted himself, you and your children. So this means you have to assume responsibility for your own health, mental and physical, and the health of your children. Take your power back, and do what you need to do to be well and sane.
ZoSo
Now. You asked:
Why do I have to be the stupid one on here that can't give up my failed marriage?
I'd like to make a suggestion to you, and when I do, I'd like you to have as open a mind as possible.
A common element in your posts, either explicit or implicit, is how your husband has done this to you. What I'd like you to do is stop being his victim. You're not powerless, although you may, at your worst, feel that way. Summon everything you've learned in Al Anon, and decide that your husband, so long as he's behaving the way he is, is a lost cause. There is nothing in his behavior or actions that indicate he's prepared to assume responsibility for his choices and how they've adversely impacted himself, you and your children. So this means you have to assume responsibility for your own health, mental and physical, and the health of your children. Take your power back, and do what you need to do to be well and sane.
ZoSo
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please for your own sake, go back and read your posts, as if, someone else wrote them, say your adult daughter. Then think what you would tell her.
Then tell that to yourself.
No one on here thinks you are stupid. It took me 10 months to let go of someone who had come back into my life after 45 years, and I have LOTS of Alanon under my belt, roflmao No I am not laughing at you, I am laughing at me and not in a funny ha ha way. Many of us have been where you are.
You will be ready to Let Go when you are at your own personal bottom. When your inner self starts rising up and 'screaming' NO MORE, NO MORE OF THIS CHIT. And it will happen.
So in the meantime stay close to us, and remember we are with you in spirit so you can picture your room FILLED with those of us here at SR. Also, check with your doctor, there are some IV treatments, every 6 to 8 weeks that seem to really help the rheumatoid arthritis. I have a friend, Birdie, who is 69 and was diagnosed at 35 and is getting those IV treatments and she says that without them she would be absolutely bed bound and in a wheel chair, but with them she does pretty darn good. Still feeds the chickens and the dogs, lol helps out with her grandkids (mine to, lol she is my daughter's m-i-l, does cooking, cleans her house, helps daughter, etc
We have been friends for over 19 years. She lives on their property in her own mobile home and they are only 6 blocks from me, so I have seen her rheumatoid arthritis get worse and then better once she started the IV's about 7 years ago. She also gets a shot weekly that my daughter gives her, but the difference is really like night and day.
So it wouldn't hurt to ask what is available for you. I would also suggest that since you have been diagnosed that you go ahead and file for Social Security Disability NOW as it will take a while to get approved, and yes more 'hoops' to jump through but well worth it in the long run.
Sending extra healing thoughts and prayers your way and am putting you onto the lists for my 3 prayer circles.
Love and hugs,
Then tell that to yourself.
No one on here thinks you are stupid. It took me 10 months to let go of someone who had come back into my life after 45 years, and I have LOTS of Alanon under my belt, roflmao No I am not laughing at you, I am laughing at me and not in a funny ha ha way. Many of us have been where you are.
You will be ready to Let Go when you are at your own personal bottom. When your inner self starts rising up and 'screaming' NO MORE, NO MORE OF THIS CHIT. And it will happen.
So in the meantime stay close to us, and remember we are with you in spirit so you can picture your room FILLED with those of us here at SR. Also, check with your doctor, there are some IV treatments, every 6 to 8 weeks that seem to really help the rheumatoid arthritis. I have a friend, Birdie, who is 69 and was diagnosed at 35 and is getting those IV treatments and she says that without them she would be absolutely bed bound and in a wheel chair, but with them she does pretty darn good. Still feeds the chickens and the dogs, lol helps out with her grandkids (mine to, lol she is my daughter's m-i-l, does cooking, cleans her house, helps daughter, etc
We have been friends for over 19 years. She lives on their property in her own mobile home and they are only 6 blocks from me, so I have seen her rheumatoid arthritis get worse and then better once she started the IV's about 7 years ago. She also gets a shot weekly that my daughter gives her, but the difference is really like night and day.
So it wouldn't hurt to ask what is available for you. I would also suggest that since you have been diagnosed that you go ahead and file for Social Security Disability NOW as it will take a while to get approved, and yes more 'hoops' to jump through but well worth it in the long run.
Sending extra healing thoughts and prayers your way and am putting you onto the lists for my 3 prayer circles.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From my personal experience, rheumatoid arthritis is an auto-immune disease, and stress makes it worse.
A quinine based prescription called plaquenil has helped me greatly for many years, and it doesn't have a lot of side effects. Mobic as an anti-inflammatory has been much easier on the stomach than a lot of other anti-inflammatories.
For me, and I have got the RA in check with no damage, managing stress is crucial, as is gentle exercise. Swimming - or floating around in the water moving gently - is the absolute best thing to do. Your joints are supported, the warm water is soothing, and it makes everything feel better. The Arthritis Association has water classes at lots of pools, including many YMCAs. You usually don't have to belong to the facility, just pay for the actual arthritis class which is usually very inexpensive.
And stress relief - that is so important. Think about serenity and what is means to you, and what has to happen for you to be serene. Meditation helps. And then just cut out EVERYTHING else in your life that isn't on the list of "good for you". When you get your physical health improving, all the rest will be easier to deal with. So get that health spiral going up!
ShootingStar1
A quinine based prescription called plaquenil has helped me greatly for many years, and it doesn't have a lot of side effects. Mobic as an anti-inflammatory has been much easier on the stomach than a lot of other anti-inflammatories.
For me, and I have got the RA in check with no damage, managing stress is crucial, as is gentle exercise. Swimming - or floating around in the water moving gently - is the absolute best thing to do. Your joints are supported, the warm water is soothing, and it makes everything feel better. The Arthritis Association has water classes at lots of pools, including many YMCAs. You usually don't have to belong to the facility, just pay for the actual arthritis class which is usually very inexpensive.
And stress relief - that is so important. Think about serenity and what is means to you, and what has to happen for you to be serene. Meditation helps. And then just cut out EVERYTHING else in your life that isn't on the list of "good for you". When you get your physical health improving, all the rest will be easier to deal with. So get that health spiral going up!
ShootingStar1
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