Mentally Ill inlove with Crystal Meth addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
Mentally Ill inlove with Crystal Meth addict
It's crazy isn't it? Just when you thought your life had no more meaning and you're ready to set yourself free, someone comes into your life, saves you and turns your whole world upside down. But how can you save the person that saved you when your still broken apart and can only do so much.
I'm disagnosed with MDD, anxiety, panic disorder and BPD. The beginning of this year I met up with an acquaintance whom Ive known for over a decade. I never really associated with him much in the past based on what I knew about him. He was a player, a pothead and did a few other drugs. We both had a pretty much bad reputation as I was pretty much the girl who beat people up and was difficult to approach. We started messaging each other on facebook and started texting, he told me he smoked Chrystal Meth and I already knew that there was more to his story. Ive gone through alot in life and learned to never judge people because we all have a story to tell which makes us the way we are. So, I met up with him.
The first time we hung out, we had alot of things to talk about but the second time we hung out, I fell inlove. Im well aware of my illness. At the moment I wasnt looking for a relationship and I was starting to focus on myself. But how do I push away something that found me. Ive learned alot more about him, we both grew up in a pretty messed up environment and had gone through alot in life. I connected with him in a way I couldnt connect with my past boyfriends or with anyone else. I go myself thinking he was my soulmate. I can see right through him and I know that hes a really great person, just bad things happened and was in the wrong crowd. I can see in his eyes his struggles, pain and suffering and his cry for help but hes just really lost and constantly doing what he knows to get rid of all those which is smoking chrystal meth. I love him. He understands and supports me through my depression and darkest days. I love him for so many reasons but I cant sit back and watch him destroy his life. I dont know much about drugs or how it affects you. He tells me all the time that he would never let it take control of his life. He tried to quit cold turkey last month. He slept for days, was always tired and hungry. I understood its his body trying to catch up fom the lost of sleep and eating but at the same time I needed him to be there for me with my own sickness which lead us both to go our own ways. He went back into smoking. He tells me all the time he needs me. He told me that he went back to smoking because I wasnt a part of his life anymore. He told me that the only way he was capable of giving that up is if i was with him. I dont want him to do it for me, I need him to do it for himself but at the same time, I would put my life on hold just for a chance to save another persons. I love him so much. It's really heart breaking and it honestly kills me to watch him smoke everytime. I started drinking every now and then when everything becomes overwhelming for me. In a way I understand what its like to have a "fix" and to numb out all the pain and hurt. But the difference is I dont rely on my drinking anymore to get through my day.
The relationship that me and him both have is very complicated. We're not together. We WANT to be but when things are really good, everything falls apart. We both have our own issues but putting all mine aside, Im really worried and concern about his. We started talking again the beginning of May. We've been really good. He already knows how I feel about him and smoking. He told me he was just going to finish his last batch and stop. But when he finished it today, he couldnt stand being tired and "missing out" on his day. So he went to go get some more. Its more heartbreaking than upsetting. I spoke what was on my mind but he autmatically assumed i was angry and being judgemental when truly, I dont understand the effect of it.
Its crazy. Hes still perfectly normal when hes on it. Hes still capable of going to work and communicating properly. aside from the fact that hes a bit paranoid sometimes and thinks people are staring at him and can see that hes "******" or "high." I honestly just dont know what to do anymore. He a part of my life and its honestly affecting me and hurting me to think that at any given day someone as great and perfect as he is can just be taken away from that stupid drug. How can someone so smart with so much potential, amazing personality and an een greater mentality be hooked on this? He says hes not. But I can see it slowly becoming more and more a part of his life.
Everything is taking a huge affect on me. Im starting to slowly fall back deeper into my depression. I can feel it. Seems like the more reasons he gives me to why he needs it, the more Im starting to feel more and more alone again. I know what I need to do and I know what most of you would do in this type of situation. But honestly, how do you just walk away from the person you love and let them slowly destroy themselves.
I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to think or do anymore. I honestly dont....
I'm disagnosed with MDD, anxiety, panic disorder and BPD. The beginning of this year I met up with an acquaintance whom Ive known for over a decade. I never really associated with him much in the past based on what I knew about him. He was a player, a pothead and did a few other drugs. We both had a pretty much bad reputation as I was pretty much the girl who beat people up and was difficult to approach. We started messaging each other on facebook and started texting, he told me he smoked Chrystal Meth and I already knew that there was more to his story. Ive gone through alot in life and learned to never judge people because we all have a story to tell which makes us the way we are. So, I met up with him.
The first time we hung out, we had alot of things to talk about but the second time we hung out, I fell inlove. Im well aware of my illness. At the moment I wasnt looking for a relationship and I was starting to focus on myself. But how do I push away something that found me. Ive learned alot more about him, we both grew up in a pretty messed up environment and had gone through alot in life. I connected with him in a way I couldnt connect with my past boyfriends or with anyone else. I go myself thinking he was my soulmate. I can see right through him and I know that hes a really great person, just bad things happened and was in the wrong crowd. I can see in his eyes his struggles, pain and suffering and his cry for help but hes just really lost and constantly doing what he knows to get rid of all those which is smoking chrystal meth. I love him. He understands and supports me through my depression and darkest days. I love him for so many reasons but I cant sit back and watch him destroy his life. I dont know much about drugs or how it affects you. He tells me all the time that he would never let it take control of his life. He tried to quit cold turkey last month. He slept for days, was always tired and hungry. I understood its his body trying to catch up fom the lost of sleep and eating but at the same time I needed him to be there for me with my own sickness which lead us both to go our own ways. He went back into smoking. He tells me all the time he needs me. He told me that he went back to smoking because I wasnt a part of his life anymore. He told me that the only way he was capable of giving that up is if i was with him. I dont want him to do it for me, I need him to do it for himself but at the same time, I would put my life on hold just for a chance to save another persons. I love him so much. It's really heart breaking and it honestly kills me to watch him smoke everytime. I started drinking every now and then when everything becomes overwhelming for me. In a way I understand what its like to have a "fix" and to numb out all the pain and hurt. But the difference is I dont rely on my drinking anymore to get through my day.
The relationship that me and him both have is very complicated. We're not together. We WANT to be but when things are really good, everything falls apart. We both have our own issues but putting all mine aside, Im really worried and concern about his. We started talking again the beginning of May. We've been really good. He already knows how I feel about him and smoking. He told me he was just going to finish his last batch and stop. But when he finished it today, he couldnt stand being tired and "missing out" on his day. So he went to go get some more. Its more heartbreaking than upsetting. I spoke what was on my mind but he autmatically assumed i was angry and being judgemental when truly, I dont understand the effect of it.
Its crazy. Hes still perfectly normal when hes on it. Hes still capable of going to work and communicating properly. aside from the fact that hes a bit paranoid sometimes and thinks people are staring at him and can see that hes "******" or "high." I honestly just dont know what to do anymore. He a part of my life and its honestly affecting me and hurting me to think that at any given day someone as great and perfect as he is can just be taken away from that stupid drug. How can someone so smart with so much potential, amazing personality and an een greater mentality be hooked on this? He says hes not. But I can see it slowly becoming more and more a part of his life.
Everything is taking a huge affect on me. Im starting to slowly fall back deeper into my depression. I can feel it. Seems like the more reasons he gives me to why he needs it, the more Im starting to feel more and more alone again. I know what I need to do and I know what most of you would do in this type of situation. But honestly, how do you just walk away from the person you love and let them slowly destroy themselves.
I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to think or do anymore. I honestly dont....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR...I'm glad you found us.
Addiction is a really tough disease to deal with as a loved one. It's very difficult to watch someone great and wonderful destroy themselves with meth. That is also my son's drug of choice (DOC). He has all of those qualities you describe....but when he's using.....he changes. It doesn't change the fact that I love him, but I simply can't be around him when he's in active addiction.
We are very big on self care around here. I am concerned about you. Just like in an airplane.....when that little yellow mask falls.....we need to put it on ourselves first before we assist someone else.
There are some great resources for you if you are interested and willing to get help for yourself. Codependent No More by Melody Beattle. There are programs to help us deal with loving an addict (Nar-Anon, Al-Anon and CoDA).
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Addiction is a really tough disease to deal with as a loved one. It's very difficult to watch someone great and wonderful destroy themselves with meth. That is also my son's drug of choice (DOC). He has all of those qualities you describe....but when he's using.....he changes. It doesn't change the fact that I love him, but I simply can't be around him when he's in active addiction.
We are very big on self care around here. I am concerned about you. Just like in an airplane.....when that little yellow mask falls.....we need to put it on ourselves first before we assist someone else.
There are some great resources for you if you are interested and willing to get help for yourself. Codependent No More by Melody Beattle. There are programs to help us deal with loving an addict (Nar-Anon, Al-Anon and CoDA).
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR! This is a really great place to vent and learn/hear from others who have been where you are and those that are there right now.
It is hard when you love someone who is an addict, but we have to comes to terms with the fact that the addict is an adult and he or she has the right to choose whether to continue using drugs or not. Addicts are incapable of being reasoned with and you won't be able to make him stop using no matter what you say, scream, cry, beg, threaten, give ultimatums, hide his drugs, check his phone, look through his stuff, confront him, etc. etc. There is NOTHING we can do to control an addicts use and the sooner we are able to come to terms with that the sooner we will be able to do something about the only thing we can control, our reactions to our addict and working on ourselves.
What helps me sometimes is pretending that my best friend came up to me telling me this story and I ask myself what would I tell a friend? It is much easier to give advice to someone else so I try to force myself to follow the advice I would give a friend if asked.
You don't have to make any decisions today, but it is important to start thinking about the future and what you want out of it. Addiction is progressive and it won't get any better, only worse. If today was as good as it gets would you be happy staying with him the rest of your life? It is hard to think about sometimes, but it is only self destructive to live in the "the future will be better" mindset because unless the addict goes into recovery that will just not work.
You both have your own things to work on and it is time for each of you to concentrate on yourself. If he is going to have any chance of being in recovery he needs to want it more than anything he has ever wanted and he is going to need to concentrate on himself for a long time. You stated in your post that when he did get sober that his lack of attention to you and your own sickness and therefore you went your separate ways. If him not paying attention for less than a week caused a problem, before you move forward it would be helpful to consider that a week is nothing..the beginning of recovery takes months and months, not just the detox period, and if a week caused problems then what will happen as he devotes his time more and more to his recovery?
Keep posting on here and reading others posts. You are not alone in this struggle, and the most important thing is to put your needs first. It gets easy to forget that our needs matter when we have an addicted loved one and it is important to take care of ourselves!
It is hard when you love someone who is an addict, but we have to comes to terms with the fact that the addict is an adult and he or she has the right to choose whether to continue using drugs or not. Addicts are incapable of being reasoned with and you won't be able to make him stop using no matter what you say, scream, cry, beg, threaten, give ultimatums, hide his drugs, check his phone, look through his stuff, confront him, etc. etc. There is NOTHING we can do to control an addicts use and the sooner we are able to come to terms with that the sooner we will be able to do something about the only thing we can control, our reactions to our addict and working on ourselves.
What helps me sometimes is pretending that my best friend came up to me telling me this story and I ask myself what would I tell a friend? It is much easier to give advice to someone else so I try to force myself to follow the advice I would give a friend if asked.
You don't have to make any decisions today, but it is important to start thinking about the future and what you want out of it. Addiction is progressive and it won't get any better, only worse. If today was as good as it gets would you be happy staying with him the rest of your life? It is hard to think about sometimes, but it is only self destructive to live in the "the future will be better" mindset because unless the addict goes into recovery that will just not work.
You both have your own things to work on and it is time for each of you to concentrate on yourself. If he is going to have any chance of being in recovery he needs to want it more than anything he has ever wanted and he is going to need to concentrate on himself for a long time. You stated in your post that when he did get sober that his lack of attention to you and your own sickness and therefore you went your separate ways. If him not paying attention for less than a week caused a problem, before you move forward it would be helpful to consider that a week is nothing..the beginning of recovery takes months and months, not just the detox period, and if a week caused problems then what will happen as he devotes his time more and more to his recovery?
Keep posting on here and reading others posts. You are not alone in this struggle, and the most important thing is to put your needs first. It gets easy to forget that our needs matter when we have an addicted loved one and it is important to take care of ourselves!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Self care is the word.
You deserve it even if you do not think you do.
You message is coherent, well written, and meaningful.
Please don't limit yourself with labels (MDD, anxiety,
panic disorder and BPD). Those are aspects of your life
story......not your whole story.
I hope you will find SR as helpful and comforting as I have.
You deserve it even if you do not think you do.
You message is coherent, well written, and meaningful.
Please don't limit yourself with labels (MDD, anxiety,
panic disorder and BPD). Those are aspects of your life
story......not your whole story.
I hope you will find SR as helpful and comforting as I have.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
