lilyB2013

Hey everyone.

I'm sitting on the floor, wrapped up in comforters in my old empty bedroom, looking outside into the morning-- both scared and oddly excited for the end of the day. Mostly scared. I have to repeat to myself that the world will still turn after today. Nothing in this life will stop because of my fear and anxiety, because its the final day with my AXBF.

The first text message I got this morning read:

"Happy Moving Day! Remember: You are strong, capable, and intelligent. You will get through today and the proper healing will begin. I love you. Be well. Call me if you need anything."

I appreciate it, but my anxiety makes me numb to it.

I'm at the apartment alone, but against my better judgement I helped my AXBF move his things out yesterday and allowed him to talk me into staying here with him for the night- "one last night here together." Fear for My Safety came a distant 2nd to Disappointment in Myself for having done so... But Im safe. He held me as we slept together for the last time.

Does it make me feel weak in my resolve- am I going back to him? No.

Maybe it's just too fresh for him, he still doesn't see why this has to happen. Or why it is I need space and time to heal. He still wants to see me, even if only once a month. I told him, "I don't know." I know, but I can't find the words. He wants me to tell him I'm safe every once in a while- because he says he'll worry. I know he will... But he's far too into his addiction to really see or appreciate how strenuous a gesture that actually is for me.

Guys, I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. I haven't even sorted out how I feel about a get-together/party my friends are throwing for me. It's in celebration of getting out of this madness. I know I will feel guilt- I do feel guilt. I don't know at what moment I'll be happy about it. Maybe the moment I drop off my keys? Maybe the moment I take a shower after scrubbing this apartment top to bottom? Maybe when I finally get a good look at myself in the mirror and see how old I've now started to look for 26?

I'm scared. It's a familiar fear, the same one I felt when I found out about his drug use and when I came to the realization that he cheated on me.

My dream last night when I slept next to him had that woman in it- and his drugs. That's what I'm running from, the negative energies he brought into my life. I'm better than that and I have to know it... Right now it's hard to see the wood for the forest.

I'll be ok, though. I need to listen to my "F*** Ya!" playlist and get my endorphins up. Survival mode. Push hard for the end of the day, block those feelings until tomorrow, when I can sink into melancholy in a safe environment. I'm nearly there- I can almost taste it. I can't spend all day being sad and like a kicked puppy... This is "Get Sh** Done" time, and I have a party to go to tonight.

I think only in this forum can I say those things and everyone knows its just a veneer to how much pain I'm going through... But that's how I have to cope until I can get out.

ALMOST FREE.

EnglishGarden

26 is young, Lily. You have little life experience as an adult. Many of us here have had some decades of experiences which have gradually shaped us into more mature adults capable of making better decisions than we used to. So you are doing the best you can with the experience you have.

I'm glad today you are safe and I know your desire to be with the addict you love while he is "quiet" is a very common response after a traumatic experience with him. That cycle happens a lot.

Just please be aware, that it is a cycle. It can continue, and you can unconsciously be manipulated at a very deep level and can again be at risk of tremendous harm. Many here, especially young members, really do not, cannot, absorb the evil nature of addiction nor its power to destroy not only the addict but those within his reach.

Have you found a counselor? Will you?

lilyB2013

You hit the nail on the head- I have to be 100% aware that every word my AXBF says will be in some way to twist things into his control- whether he knows it or not.

I just walked out of the bathroom, that I spent HOURS on my hands and knees cleaning yesterday... Only to see little drops of melted heroin all over the floor. Will I confront him about it? What for? There is nothing to be gained, no knowledge to learn, only an argument- for what? Today is the last day and I cannot change him or anything he does, no matter how much he pleads that he's clean.

As for a counselor, yes. It's part of my priorities for next week: get some "me" time, start going back to yoga, start taking steps towards building a more cohesive support system.

findingpeace87

I am right up your ally except mine is getting out of rehab next week. Mommy's coming to his rescue and taking him in. At first I was angry but now Im realieved even packed up some of his things tonight. Going to start alanon this week a repairing myself I know its time and I'm not going to fight it. I'm sure I wont even see him when he goes and that's ok. Trust me your first night peace will be music to your ears. Still weird coming to a quiet home but I will never go back to that chaos.