Baloo

Hi. Nobody should remember me. I went 40 days without drinking last year though and spent good time on this great site. Then I started drinking, but with more control. Then I lost control recently and gained back. Probly just gotta quit cold-turkey. That's a different thread and this is my first log-in for a whole year, so yea.

Right now, I'm more at the end of my rope with the codependence. But hey, maybe I can work on both tonite since I have bronchitis and missing work.
I've read up on codependence and took the quiz. Yea, I'm beary codependent. (sorry) Too nice but defiant to authority, compensating, bargaining, rationalizing, enabling, whatever else. Even before a codependent relationship, I coulda figured out that I fit the quiz. Actually was raised to be codependent, but not quite like what I'm talking about now.

I have a codependent relationship with a crack/heroin addict.
But, it seems like she doesn't need me at all. I just feel like I need her.
She would tell me she needs me, but no. She's not my girlfriend. We are way past that conversation. It's been an evolving complicated conversation. Ended with her saying she just wants me to be like her brother. Ouch, right?

Because of things about her that remind me of my life so much and her personality and some times we had, she ended up being one of those once-in-a-great-while people that actually would make me feel awesome if she loved me.

If she called me right now and we hung out, chances are good that she would be boring as can be. Want a ride or 2 or 3. Disappear forever in the bathroom. Text and talk on phone way too much. But she would liven up at times and we would have our good times thrown in. I honestly think we relate to each other in a unique way that means a lot to me, but....

But I'm afraid we are ready to not even be friends. Some of her decent friends and her mum told me to stand by her. She has told me to stand by her. She will probably get back in jail (I prefer prison, so she can actually maybe recover) and probably call me to visit and want to write.

At least I don't have to decide tonite. At least people are going to give me advice. Right?

I have to deal with my alcohol and some other health stuff and crumbling social life and difficulties at work. I really wanted her to help me with that stuff, and I could help her with her stuff. Makes so much sense, right? And I had no idea about what crack and heroin really were like. I've learned way too much over the last year. Even before the codependency I started learning at my hotel job where I met her. I got to know other people who are on it. It is beyond description as you all know. When people call it the Devil, I am agreeing.

So....hello and thanks for reading. And thanks for your threads and posts that I can read.

And yea, every thing I've thought about doing for her has serious pros/cons, but all ears if you have any tips on that.

AnvilheadII

put YOUR recovery first, foremost and at all costs. period. only way to assure sober success.

Baloo

Thanks Anvilhead.

On that note, my drinking in the last year went from drinking almost every weekend with very few weeknites to drinking about 90% of nites over a few months. Almost always alone. Why? Because when she got out of jail last time, she cast aside her promises and the plans we made. It drove me into serious depression. I will take care of myself. Thank you for making that point.

lizwig

Hi Baloo. You've done well to reach out. It sounds like you know you have an alcohol problem. Are you attending AA? I'm wondering if perhaps all the energy you are focusing on the object of your affection is really a distraction so you don't have to face the necessary changes needed in your own life. She sounds very unhealthy and chaotic. If you truly want recovery those are the type of people you need to avoid. Please know I'm not saying any of this to frustrate you. My qualifier is my son. He is an addict. When he isn't doing what he knows in his heart he should be he tends to hyper focus on what others are doing wrong and what he feels they should be doing instead. It keeps him from the real issue at hand. His sobriety. If I might, I'd recommend really committing to your recovery. No more excuses...I believe with all my heart once you do your life will begin to change for the better. Just be careful...because people who are confidently committed to their own cause all of a sudden become more attractive. You may have to put some boundaries in place while you decide if she's someone you want to invest time and energy into at that point. Healthy attracts healthy. Wishing you strength in your journey. You can do it!