bcimkaela

As I read around the forums and in a codependency book I have, I am reminded that we can not "control" our addicted love ones. Currently, my husband is trying to recover(so he says)- and he is asking for my support in it. Unfortunately, this has happened a couple times in the past and my "support" then was simply staying with him- I did not ask a lot of questions or get involved financially-ect. This time around- my idea of supporting him has changed a bit. I feel as though he needs to give me the money he makes at work, so I can assure it is being used for bills-supporting him includes counting his suboxone to make sure he is taking it as prescribed- supporting him means having regular conversations about how he is doing and the urges he may still be having as he learns to cope with life without heroin.

Are these thoughts legitimate, or am I really, just trying to control his addiction? Am I naïve to think that me taking up these responsibilities will help him to recover?

Kindeyes

You've raised some really interesting questions. What does "support" look like? It will be interesting to read the replies.

The money issue is a given. Of course he should be contributing to the household finances.

Counting pills. I wouldn't want to be in the position of doing it.

The regular conversations regarding urges etc. Sounds like conversations to be had with his sponsor.

IMHO, support in recovery is a two way street. If you are supporting him in his recovery, he can also be supportive of you in yours. What would that look like?

gentle hugs
ke

bcimkaela

Thank you kindeyes! I definetly agree he should contribute to the household- but is it my responsibility to chase after his check every Friday evening?

If he is not pursuing a sponser-perhaps I should recommend it?

As far as my recovery- right now it is still all about him. I don't think he can respect the fact that I am recovering myself.

ShootingStar1

As far as my recovery- right now it is still all about him. I don't think he can respect the fact that I am recovering myself.

It isn't YOUR recovery if it is all about him. That is your co-dependency: focusing on what HE can do to make his life (and your life) better.

Unless and until he truly chooses his own recovery, he probably won't ever understand or respect the consequences of his behavior on your life.

Recovering is for you and all about you. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

All you can do, all any of us can do, is focus on what we need to do for ourselves to be healthy. All we can do is live our own lives.

He needs to be responsible for his own pills, getting his own sponsor, for everything and anything related to his addiction, his life. If he can't choose to do these things from the depth of his soul, he isn't truly in recovery.

ShootingStar1

Bubovski

Its certainly a fine line between pleasure and pain.
I did my fair and long supportive stuff with my drug addicted sister.
Help can be a multi edged sort of thing, particularly for a recovering addict and alcoholic as I was then myself.
Stepping back at times may not only help the party involved, but also yourself.
Sometimes other people just might step in relevant to area you have never thought about.

In Buddhism (I'm not one) they speak of "idiot compassion" where people try too hard to help someone else to obtain some peace for themselves: a real catch 22 sort of thingy.
Its very hard to weigh up options at times, we can only do our best, within reason and keep on learning.

AnvilheadII

ok, first off husbands "should" be putting all their income towards the household - wives should not have to chase them around to try and get $50 before it's all spent. he has demonstrated he is unwilling or unable to put those commitments ahead of his desire to use. this shouldn't even be up for discussion.....

sorry that is a lot of SHOULDS. you are not operating in a "normal" partnership. his selfish endeavors can drive you right into the poorhouse.

he is either serious as a heart attack about getting clean and STAYING clean...or he's just biding time. you've been down this road before....you get to decide if you want to keep taking this drive....or take a new route.

allforcnm

I don’t think anyone here can really answer the question of your motives, or what will aid him in recovery because I think that will be unique to both of you. The way I see it, it is wonderful to support and become involved with your husband’s recovery. The key is just to keep things in balance. What you do has to be comfortable for you, for him, and it cannot throw off the balance of your marital relationship. For example, if you have issues with codependency then some things might become obsessive or lead to compulsive behaviors where you begin to shift all your focus on checking up on him, or feeling like your efforts are all that are keeping him clean, and so you put aside other things in your life rush home after work to monitor him, etc. Most likely that will lead to burnout before long, resentment, regret; this is why its important to find balance.

My suggestion would be to open up communication with your husband, ask what he has in mind when he says he wants your support. Make a list of things that you feel you need to be involved in, and then discuss why you feel that way. Personally I think having regular non-judgemental conversations about his recovery is a healthy thing to do. Those with addiction often hold a lot of shame, guilt, fear of rejection, feelings of isolation. I don’t think you can expect him to tell you his every thought, but understanding his struggles I think can be valuable.

My husband went to a three month rehab, and then continued to work with a therapist when he came home. His rehab supported honest communication between us, nothing was off limits. He did not have a sponsor as he did not participate in NA/AA; but he did know that he could always turn to his doctor to help him work through any intense issues; find the cause, find the solution. He also talked to me quite often, his father, his brother, my dad…

Whatever works, wherever he finds support is acceptable in my opinion. Again, it comes down to what is comfortable to both of you.