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Worse Before it gets Better

Old 05-27-2013, 06:24 PM
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Orange Lily
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Worse Before it gets Better

Well everyone, you all called it.

It's all like clockwork, it seems. Went to the apartment to pack, AXBF wouldn't let me in until I "confessed" to sleeping with someone and cheating on him (who, as a reminder, I broke up almost 2 months ago with) and then it escalated, quickly.

He tried to steal my phone, when I tried to get it back he hit me a few times, and then he tried to pepper spray me while I was stuck in a small room.

Yes, the cops were involved, yes, I'm safe but I'm more shook up than anything.

I don't want to rant and rave and get into the specifics- I'm still trying to process what exactly I experienced and what this means for me:

I have to knuckle down in my resolve at no-contact.
Anytime I'm near him or the apartment, I MUST be accompanied.
None of this is my fault. NONE OF IT.


In typical addict behavior, I couldn't help but notice the manipulation even as everything happened. There was the "I'm only doing this because you asked for it," and "you could have just done what I asked and none of this would have happened," like you hear from domestic abuse cases. When he was talking to the cops afterwards, the twisting it into making it seem like I instigated it and hit him first, etc....

And now, and none of you will be surprised, I'm getting emails and texts and comments on my blog and responses to my twitter account from him asking for me to come home and to have dinner with him to "talk it out" and to "act like we're adults," and that, "he's sorry."

He's crazy!

But on a reassuring note, sleeping for hours at my best friend's house and shutting off my mind completely is sometimes the best escape.
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Old 05-27-2013, 06:40 PM
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I am so sorry Lilly. I am glad you are OK.

It never ceases to amaze me how the majority of wisdom here is always right. Stay safe and God bless.
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Old 05-27-2013, 06:52 PM
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I am sorry Lily, I watched those things happen to my mom often noone should be treated that way.
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Old 05-27-2013, 06:55 PM
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Lily,

I'm happy you're safe. But this puzzles me.

I have to knuckle down in my resolve at no-contact.
Anytime I'm near him or the apartment, I MUST be accompanied.
Under what circumstances would you need to be near him? There is no question in my mind, given what transpired, a RO is warranted. No games, Lily. Take care of business.

Be safe...

ZoSo
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Old 05-27-2013, 06:56 PM
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I'm so glad you're okay, and glad that you called the cops! I was hoping you had already gotten everything out by yesterday - I thought that was the deadline? Regardless, if you have to go back for any more stuff, do NOT go alone!! And once you're out completely, BLOCK his number, email, FB, etc. Do not give him any way to contact you and continue to lie, manipulate and harass you. Sending hugs.
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Lily,

Under what circumstances would you need to be near him? There is no question in my mind, given what transpired, a RO is warranted. No games, Lily. Take care of business.

Be safe...

ZoSo
He has my keys to the apartment and none of my stuff is moved out yet. The pepper spray he used on me was wrestled out of my hands-- which was attached to my keys.

And most of the place is packed, but nothing is moved out... I had the opportunity to see a couple of apartments to move in on the 1st yesterday so I opted to do that than finish getting stuff out.

I'm going back tomorrow with a group of friends to knock everything out and find storage space. Wednesday to finish any last moving, Thursday to clean. I've been pulling all my strings to get people with me the entire time.

No pride here anymore, this is survival.
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:11 PM
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i'm so sorry he hurt you. please stay safe. get this part OVER with and move on, as fast as humanly possible.
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:18 PM
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Please do not ever forget (or minimize in any way) that he hit you multiple times and tried to pepper-spray you. If I can offer some advice, I would say to be careful not to abstract what happened in order to distance yourself from the event. Our minds often do that to allow us to continue functioning and survive in cases of trauma, but if we don't give ourselves the time to really work through the event, we typically end up raising our bar of what is acceptable behavior.

I'm making these comments because they are things that I did for years. When my therapist said to me "You're using the exact same words that my domestic abuse patients use" I brushed it off. I happen to be a man and I thought, "But I'm a GUY. I can take care of myself... that was just my partner doing 'addict' stuff"... Well, in addition to being stupidly sexist, THAT is, as well, a common response from someone who is in a situation of chronic abuse. Minimizing and justifying are part of the process of making abuse acceptable.

Anyway, protect yourself, not just now, but from now on. That doesn't mean "live in fear" -- it simply means "put your safety before everything else."
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by MiSoberbio View Post
Please do not ever forget (or minimize in any way) that he hit you multiple times and tried to pepper-spray you. If I can offer some advice, I would say to be careful not to abstract what happened in order to distance yourself from the event. Our minds often do that to allow us to continue functioning and survive in cases of trauma, but if we don't give ourselves the time to really work through the event, we typically end up raising our bar of what is acceptable behavior.

You're absolutely on point, and this is something I've thought about this afternoon.

The forums are great for support, but I know I will definitely need to seek out professional help to really "right" myself again. The fear I'm sure domestic abuse sufferers experience seems to be part of my DNA lately.

How the hell did I get here...?!!
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:33 PM
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Oh goodness Lily, I'm so thankful you are okay. I do believe if you request it the police will"stand by while you remove your things. Given recent events and their involvement you'd probably be surprised by the support you'd get from them. They see so many women afraid to press charges, hesitant to get a restraining order and simply so beaten down they aren't able to see how much danger they are truly in. For them to see you making a stand for yourself...You can bet they'd protect you while you close up shop. If you do seek a restraining order (and I believe you should) don't allow any involvement of any type. Have him arrested the very first time he disregards it. Otherwise it means nothing. To him. To the courts. Or to the police. You can do this. You're almost there. Be strong. We are rooting for you. Big hug. That must have been so frightening.
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:38 PM
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Lily,

Please get a RO. I don't trust him at all.

ZoSo
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Old 05-27-2013, 08:14 PM
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How is he emailing and texting you from jail? You did press charges right?
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Old 05-27-2013, 11:10 PM
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Many here have been assaulted by addicts (including me), and we understand what has happened.

And many of us just did not see it coming, did not think it possible.

For me, trust was impossible after being hit. No amount of marital counseling, nothing, not sobriety (had he attempted it), nothing would ever have taken away my fear of him.

I'm glad you will seek counseling. You need and deserve that. And I'm glad you have such good friends. So many people become more and more isolated as they spiral down alongside an addict, and they find they have no one to call when everything disintegrates. But you have people, and that is a great blessing.

But if anyone says to you, "He didn't mean it, he was just out of his mind on drugs, you should at least give him a chance to apologize....."......that person is not someone to have on your team right now.

Realists are what you need.
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Old 05-28-2013, 02:07 AM
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I am so sorry you had to experience that,LilyB!

I have nothing to add except use every protection society avails you.
It is nothing short of amazing how quickly these cowards melt when
cops wearing sidearms show up.

Your being beaten,yelled at for hours,and peppersprayed is unacceptable.

Get an RO. If he breaks it,he does 6 weeks on the roadcrew.Break it again?
12 more weeks (in jail) for contempt of court.How pathetic and foolish and
naive are these buffoons to think they can 'trump' public policy. The 'public'
has virtually unlimited training, firepower, and patience.

You would really have to be under the influence to ever believe you could
win in this situation.

(But I guess he is!)

Let's hope this fellow is not the escalating type.Man on woman violence,with drugs
involved.....is a well documented and extensively trained for situation.It will not go well
for him.Here's hoping he doesn't make an irrevocable (fatal) error in judgement.


But that is HIS problem.Yours is staying safe!
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Old 05-28-2013, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by MiSoberbio View Post
Anyway, protect yourself, not just now, but from now on. That doesn't mean "live in fear" -- it simply means "put your safety before everything else."
Good advice.

Hoping you get your stuff out without further harm to you. Take care.
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Old 05-28-2013, 06:01 AM
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I am sorry it escalated to this, Lily.

I am quite sure that if you get an Order of Protection for domestic assault, you are entitled to have a police officer present to get your remaining belongings. Friends can help move it out quickly, but you need more protection. Please take a morning and go to your county and ask for help filing a domestic assault restraining order. In my state, these are called an Order of Protection and it is more powerful in the courts and more focused on domestic assault/danger.

A women's shelter or violence prevention organization can help you as well and they typically are in the know about local laws, cops, judges, etc. There is more than survival when it comes to the big picture, and that is stopping him from doing all this again to the next innocent GF. But you can deal with that after you have your stuff.

Please take care of this today. Your safety is #1. Please let us know when you did.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:44 AM
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Oh, Lily, that must have been terrifying! I'm glad you're okay and have friends to help you out. I agree that having a police officer present is a good idea in case he loses it again.

Let us know that you're safe, you'll be in my thoughts today, here's hoping the rest of the move is uneventful.
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Old 05-28-2013, 08:31 AM
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Please listen to everyone else here and go with the police to get your things, not just your friends.

I'm glad to hear you are ok. He sounds out of his mind. A restraining order is a wise choice.
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