Katiekate

You are absolutely right, we do not know his conditions.

All we know is that he says he's an addict, and he is in jail for a drug charge.

mareahh

Urgh. He isn't just in there for possession. He's being accused of other things he didn't do! God bless. I have no reason to hide anything. You think I'd get upset if I'm hiding something. His bail is set at 60k. Which is 6k if they pay the 10%. His crimes are not serious. They are economical crimes. He just had a lot of them for what he's being accused of. So his parents figured a lawyer was more important than him being bailed out. Holy my god. You people. Also. I decided to include this to clear this up for all of you that thing I'm "codependent".


Symptoms of a codependent disorder


* Low self-esteem: Nope
* People pleasing: Im nice to everyone, won't go out of my way to help everyone and/or any specific person. My needs come first.
* Poor Boundaries: Well I have plenty of boundaries and morals.
* Reactivity: Maybe slightly if its something I feel strongly about.
* Caretaking: I'm a nurse. I'm a caretaker by nature. Do I put other needs in front of mine off the clock. No I don't
* Control: I have self control. No need to drive someone else's bus
* Dysfunctional communication: I communicate my issues, concerns, feelings and thoughts just fine
* Obsessions: Perhaps with my flat iron goin to burn the house down or that I didn't lock the front door. But I have OCD. I have worried about my boyfriend using. Doesn't make me a codey
* Dependency: I don't depend or rely on anyone to make me happy. I'm a home body. I don't need to go out and be with people to entertain myself. A good book does me just fine.
* Denial: what am I denying? That my boyfriend is in jail and uses drugs?
* Problems with intimacy: nope
* Painful emotions: if you bring up painful things that have happened in my life. Yes maybe

According to all that. I don't think I qualify for the codependency award.

mareahh

This has done nothin but turn into why my boyfriend is in jail instead of giving advice on addictions. I don't think this site is for this. It's a big drama filled lets see who can make you feel the worse race and I'm done. Thanks for anyone who was nice to me. But this is why I left last time. Won't be returning this time.

incitingsilence

I know it is hard, but he is an addict, and from there the key will be the day you wake up, look around and see that you didn’t know a damn thing cause you kept asking all the wrong questions.

A bit of a hint, you are here for you, not him. Stop trying to prove him different, from what you know he is an addict, he already had a relapse didn’t he….he used oxy, heroin, cocaine, and is in jail ... this is big time ….this is like a huge neon sign showing danger…and none of this is about staying or leaving, or loving or hating, and no one gets a damn medal for hanging around or really fixes themselves by running, it is all about the work and time one puts into themselves.

You sure might lose your own souls if you don’t take care of you and he will be the least of your problems, not a fun reality, that was mine.

Sadly you only know what he told you, there is always more, always.

No offence but if there wasn’t an issue you wouldn’t be here driving yourself mad trying to make it make sense. Worried about relapse, dismissing the fact that he is in jail.

If you don’t stop making it about him and make it about you, learn, read, take care of you, find your why’s not his, chances aren’t very good for you.

Look almost everyone one of us came to a joint like this looking for ways to help them, some of us got real lucky being about to see that we needed help…

LoveMeNow

''What is Codependency?

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency and may aid those who have been in recovery a while determining what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns:

* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
* I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
* I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

* I have difficulty making decisions.
* I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
* I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
* I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
* I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
* I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:

* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
* I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
* I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
* I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
* I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
* I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
* I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
* I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
* I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
* I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
* I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
* I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. ''


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

LoveMeNow

I am sure my codependency has been life long in some ways, however it wasn't until my husband became an addict did it really magnify. I don't have the all characteristics but I had enough to keep me unhealthy and doing what was best for me.

allforcnm

I guess it depends how far out you go. My husband has been clean a year and has not relapsed. We met many people at his rehab during a reunion event who said they had not relapsed since treatment that was received years earlier. Come to think of it, we have several people who post here on this forum that are considered double winners and I have not heard them speak of a relapse, but perhaps they did, or may still. Its a big world of course.

If your interest is peaked by the stats from National Institute of Drug Abuse, and if you are interested in doing a bit of research between them and other sources such as the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, then you could find statistical information on drug abuse as it is broken down by age, race, economic, geographic and other factors such as age of onset, and dysfunction in the family. Recovery data is available in a similar fashion except it includes information on actual treatment, duration of treatment. Quite fascinating IMO.

allforcnm

Im sorry your post went off track from the original intent. I think everyone here is trying to share things that have been helpful to them personally, but I also do not think anyone here is qualified to declare you a codependent. The stickys are valuable because they make people aware of the signs, and that is always good IMO. My other thoughts, I have shared with you in p.message earlier today.

LoveMeNow

After some reflection, I have decided to stand by most post.

Also, like addiction, I think many here can recognize codependent behavior as well. IMO, some protests too much. Many "control patterns" are very recognizable in a post. Just saying.

Vale

sadness.

for all the pain yet to come,
most of it as yet unborn.
all of it unnecessary.

c'est la vie.

wicked

Hello mareahh,
This is the second time you have equated stupidity and enabling/codependency as the same thing.
They definitely are not the same thing.

Your own boyfriend admitted he was an addict.
Who is being hard on you? Horrible stuff? Not in this thread.
You said he used drugs and you said he told you he was an addict,
no it does not make him a bad person.
But neither does loving an addict make you stupid. (or codependent)

Just because you have not been through anything bad yet, does not mean it will not get worse.

Loving an addict can make you "blind" to what is going on.
He has told you he is an addict.
He started with oxys? He moved to heroin because it is much cheaper!
I know this for a FACT. My own heroin addicted son told me this, and
there are many documentary type shows where you can get this information.
He said he didn't like heroin? Yeah, sometimes first time users get violently ill.
It does not stop the second time, or any time after that.


The people here have shown concern for you, and have tried to be honest and truthful with you.
So far, you get defensive and angry.
Why is that?

I cannot answer your questions, you will not believe my answers.
In my opinion, you do not really want to know.
That is okay. You will know soon enough.
The people here were trying to save you some grief.
It looks like you will have to learn the hard way.
Like I did. I hope what has been said to you comes back and you get yourself some help and away from an addict.

Oh and naive and stupid are not the same thing either.

Your boyfriend is in jail for six months, and you are supporting him (although not with money).
Yes, he can get drugs in jail and prison.

Beth

Hammer

Again, Welcome Home.

You are one of *us.*

I am not saying really as glib as it may sound.

I follow you Do Not Want to Be One of US.

Not a fun club. Not fun at all. No real benefits to membership, either.

I did not (and shamefully still Do Not) Want to be One of US, either.

I used to look around the Alanon Room and think -- Everyone. EVERYONE. Else here has a real problem. Final the "Else" part faded away.

The Take Away? EVERYONE. Everyone. Here Has a Real Problem.

Again. Welcome Home.

BeavsDad

LoveMeNow

The beautiful thing about being codependent is that once accepted, there is so much room for personal growth and change. I wouldn't trade "working on me" for anything. JMO

crazybabie

What Do You Know About Addiction?

Addiction is a chronic brain disease that can be caused by abusing drugs or alcohol. Over time, addiction changes the structure and function of the brain. Find out more about addiction by taking this quiz.

1. Addiction can begin when a person uses drugs, but addiction involves more than just using a lot of drugs.

You answered A. True.

The correct answer is A. True.

When someone abuses a drug, changes occur in the brain that bring on a feeling of pleasure. Pleasure is the reason for continuing to abuse the drug early on. These changes, however, also have a long-term effect on the brain, the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) says. These changes shift abuse to addiction. Without the drug, the pleasurable feeling decreases, and the drug is required just to get back to a normal level of pleasure. Thus, people addicted to drugs, including alcohol, suffer from a craving for the drug and usually can’t quit by themselves.

2. Addiction is usually progressive and continues to worsen over time.

You answered A. True.

The correct answer is A. True.

Addiction ranges from "pre-addiction" to the advanced stages of dependence. Unfortunately, many people still view drug abuse and addiction as a social problem, the NIDA says. People who are addicted to drugs, however, are not morally weak and simply unwilling to change their behavior.

3. Signs of addiction include increased tolerance to a substance and withdrawal symptoms when a person stops or reduces the use of the substance.

You answered A. True.

The correct answer is A. True.

Other signs include the inability to limit the amount of substance used; ongoing desire for the substance; unsuccessful attempts to stop; spending a lot of time obtaining, using, or recovering from the substance; and using despite ongoing personal problems. Medical professionals use a questionnaire developed for alcoholism as a screening tool for addiction. The questionnaire, called CAGE, asks these four questions:
Have you ever felt you ought to Cut down on your drinking/drug use?
Have people ever Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking/drug use?
Have you ever felt bad or Guilty about your drinking/drug use?
Have you ever had a drink or taken a drug first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover (Eye-opener)?
Answering yes to one or more of these questions may indicate a problem with drug abuse or addiction.

4. People often develop addiction in a day or two.

You answered B. False.

The correct answer is B. False.

How quickly a person can become addicted to a drug depends on that person's sensitivity to the drug, but it usually takes longer than a few days. Some drugs are more addictive than others.

5. Addiction can cause a lack of control over thoughts, feelings, ideas, or behaviors.

You answered A. True.

The correct answer is A. True.

This is the defining feature of addiction.

6. People have addiction when their use continues despite negative effects on their life
.
You answered A. True.

The correct answer is A. True.

Besides causing problems such as loss of a job or relationship, drug addiction can cause wide-ranging health problems. These are among the health problems related to drug abuse and addiction: heart disease, stroke, cancer, AIDS, hepatitis, and lung disease, according to the NIDA. Brain changes that occur with addiction can affect memory, attention, and decision-making.

7. Whether physical and/or psychological, addiction can be overcome.

You answered A. True.

The correct answer is A. True.

Most people addicted to drugs need treatment to overcome their addiction. The goal of treatment is lasting abstinence, the NIDA says, but initial goals are to cut back on drug use, improve a person's ability to function, and reverse or stop any medical problems associated with drug use. Several types of treatment are available: short-term methods lasting less than six months and longer-term programs such as methadone treatment for people addicted to opiate drugs such as heroin.

8. An addict in recovery should recognize that owning up to the addiction doesn’t mean he or she is a bad person.

You answered A. True.

The correct answer is A. True.

Being addicted merely reflects the fact the person has used a substance to the point at which he or she is now unable to control the use of that substance.
9. An important step toward recovery is accepting that change must occur.

You answered A. True.


The correct answer is A. True.

If a person doesn’t start change, it’s highly unlikely recovery will occur. The process has several steps. The first step is when the person is not interested in changing behavior. Through education and help, the person can move to the second stage. He or she now thinks about changing in the next six months. From there, the person can move to getting ready to make the change, action, and maintenance (continuing the behavior change beyond six months).
Your score was: 100%

crazybabie

You yourself said this then you got upset when anyone made a similar comment I can't say if your codependent or not but i can share my own experience when I first joined here there were some response post that made me wanna hit the computer or choke the person still happens time to time.

I later discovered those post were the ones that I did not want to accept 99 percent of the time

cece1960

I think this thread has run it's course (and then some).