Questions/opinons please

Old 05-27-2013, 07:14 PM
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interesting....you didn't become close UNTIL he went to jail. that's not exactly a healthy relationship event.
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by mareahh View Post
Opinion to? Do you associate every person who's incarcerated as a drug addict?
I think you may have been talking to me Mareahh, as I said its just my opinion, who am I? your obviously concerned about your boyfriend using, I am just saying, from what Ive read here, to me would be a Red Flag. Me being a drug addict, an having been in jail and Ive also been around many addicts. Certainly not something Im proud of, but in MY experience an addict isnt gonna tell there non using "friend" everytime they want to use, they will use. You also said he's in jail for "Possession" if he werent using he wouldnt be in jail for having drugs, unless of course he's the supplier and even that MOST suppliers use. I dont know anyone who uses occasionally, most people who use drugs IMO are addicts, simply because I know how fast they grab you it happened to me, so if he's not an addict now, if he continues to use he will be
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Old 05-27-2013, 07:48 PM
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Originally Posted by mareahh View Post
I have some questions that I'd like opinions on. Thank you.

1) How long does it take for the urge to use to go away after you stop using?

It never went away for me. I'm early in recovery again and it is obviously even stronger. It's something I will have to be aware of for the rest of my life.

2) Who is considered the "active user" and "addict in recovery"
Active user, an addict who uses drugs or alcohol. Addict in recovery, someone who is abstinent from substances and working a program of some sort.

3) Will an active addict tell you when they using?

Depends. Sometimes but addicts are good liars or think they are!

4) If an addict in recovery promises to tell you when they have an urge, do they actually tell you?

Not always. Depends how much it has taken hold.

5) what are the chances of relapse

Different for everyone.

?
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Old 05-27-2013, 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted by mareahh View Post
I have some questions that I'd like opinions on. Thank you.

1) How long does it take for the urge to use to go away after you stop using?

I think that question is going to vary by person and will be dependent upon a lot of factors like type of drug, frequency of use, how engrained the use of drugs was in their life, what type of treatment they received, how far they distance themselves from triggers, what type of treatment they received, have they learned new coping mechanisms, recovered from past traumas where emotional issues triggered use.

2) Who is considered the "active user" and "addict in recovery"
I think a person in recovery is one who identified drug use as a problem, has stopped using, and is taking active steps to change their life so that it is no longer compatible with drug use. However, I also believe relapse is possible and it does not mean recovery efforts have failed. It only means they need to reinstitute treatment, or step up current treatment.

3) Will an active addict tell you when they using?
I think this depends on the person, the relationship, and maybe a particular instance in question. My husband told me when he was actively using, but I didnt ask him multiple times a day, or everyday for that matter.

4) If an addict in recovery promises to tell you when they have an urge, do they actually tell you?
I think this one is also variable. Sometimes there are advance warnings that lead to a craving or an urge, and sometimes (according to my husband) it can happen quickly and redirect all your thoughts – sort of like when you are eating ice cream and you get that horrible headache . When that happens for those moments all your thoughts get redirected to the pain, how long it will last. And then I think once a person is triggered, or has an urge sometimes there is shame associated with this, and individuals may not want to admit this to anyone, or they might downplay the significance even to themselves.

5) what are the chances of relapse ?
I think the chance of relapse varies also. It depends on factors like how long drug use went on, was use associated with trauma, abuse, did the person grow up in addiction and never learn coping skills, healthy behaviors, did they get treatment that helps overcome all these things, or are they gaps and remaining emotional issues, other mental health issues that are ongoing. National Institute of drug abuse says that if a person gets proper treatment that meets all of their needs, then relapse rates are consistent with any other chronic type of disease like diabetes, asthma or hypertension. They estimate 40 – 60% relapse at some point .
I think addiction happens in stages. I don’t know if your boyfriend is a true addict; but it could also be possible that he is at an early stage of addiction. Recognizing the problem early, getting proper treatment will offer the best chance of full recovery.
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Old 05-28-2013, 06:53 AM
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The view …

The drug is but a symptom. Behavior always shows the truth ... blaming others, this feeling one is entitled, comparing out, secretive, lost time, being stuck in place ( an I‘ll be home in 2 hours and 4 went by and still not home), stealing, and of course lying is one of them … do all lie, no. My husband didn’t lie after a point, he had no reason too. I didn’t care if he used, he had to care that he used … My caring didn’t mean a damn thing, me seeing his truth wasn’t helping me either cause I was missing my own.

Are you missing your own truth?

Ahh the truth, most who watch continually tell themselves lies over and over unable to accept the truth. All stuck in the fact they are being lied too. Missing the ones they are telling themselves which are much more detrimental.

It is this mentally that just because someone is addicted it means this is the end, not only for the addict either, but for everyone around. Many are so attached in unhealthy ways that their lives suffer as well, and they have no joy, no happiness, just chaos, confusion, an inability to make sense of anything…and nothing is as important as the addict in their life. If you don’t feel you are there yet, no worries you will be in time.

Hmm trying heroin … I doubt curiosity had anything to do with it. There is a level of progression and you get to heroin in many cases because you are chasing that first time and hell it can be way more cost effective.

And just because you work in this field doesn’t mean you actually understand anything going on in his head number one because it isn‘t yours and even more so because you don‘t understand what it is like to be ran by a drug.

My favorite is the he didn’t like it. Really? That sounds like my husband saying he hates needles. It wasn’t this hate or fear of in any tradition sense, it was that any time he saw one the lust was instantly triggered and still is.

Red flags…
First one you being here asking the questions.
Previous history of drug use … whether one wants to label that as drug abuse or not.
Jail, because people without drug problems aren’t arrested for possession, the accusation of other things, well users have been know to steal, it happens. The need for a hit just to fix things in one’s head far out weighs any moral conscience.

Will he tell you, I doubt it. One because you will react, if that is proven or maybe worse help … oh all that helping, just adds to the madness.

I am curious what is your definition of an addict? Because most I know don't fit into some junkie on the street label.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:17 AM
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I appreciate everyone's opinions. I guess I'm just lost and confused about the whole situation because I've never been in it before. However. He is a wonderful person whom I love very much and I can't figure out what to do.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:17 AM
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Things sometimes just don't make sense. The addict you speak of was arrested and jailed (felony charges pending?) and he's possibly only a casual drug abuser. (I use the term abuser rather than addict as I do believe there is a difference.)

My son.....an addict....no question about it. He was running and gunning. Stealing and dealing. And doesn't have any felony charges pending nor any felony convictions. (However he has had many interactions with the law and has spent time in jail for things like driving without a driver's license, failure to appear, etc. Even the one DUI he got was eventually dismissed for "good behavior" over a five year period of time.)

Go figure.

Your questions are interesting. And they are questions I asked earlier in my son's addiction. My answers today are very different than they may have been five years ago.

1) How long does it take for the urge to use to go away after you stop using?

As long as it takes.....could be a lifetime.

2) Who is considered the "active user" and "addict in recovery"

This seems obvious to me. One is actively using drugs the other is actively in a program of recovery.

3) Will an active addict tell you when they using?

Broad spectrum answer. No.

4) If an addict in recovery promises to tell you when they have an urge, do they actually tell you?

If it was me, no. I'd talk to my sponsor.

5) what are the chances of relapse ?

They are what they are. I have to catch myself when I begin to think (or obsess) about something that is not within my control. I don't own anyone else's relapse or recovery.......however, I do own mine.

Glad you're here. Glad you're asking questions. Keep digging. But don't just look for the answers you want to hear. Pay close attention to the answers that get your ire up a little.....as those may be closer to the truth. You know the saying....."it hit a raw nerve".

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Old 05-28-2013, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by mareahh View Post
No. He can't use. He's in jail.
Oh but so many do get access to drugs in jail my son always did and now he is in prison and can still get them if he chooses.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
They are what they are. I have to catch myself when I begin to think (or obsess) about something that is not within my control. I don't own anyone else's relapse or recovery.......however, I do own mine.


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This is what I'm doing. I'm obsessing over him using drugs again. He tells me that I can't worry about that because ill be miserable. He says well I don't want to use drugs. I don't have plans on doing drugs. What's that mean?!?
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by mareahh View Post
This is what I'm doing. I'm obsessing over him using drugs again. He tells me that I can't worry about that because ill be miserable. He says well I don't want to use drugs. I don't have plans on doing drugs. What's that mean?!?
It means to me that you are codependent and its time to address your own issues. Codependent No More is a great book to start you own recovery.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:54 AM
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It means exactly what it does.

Look anyone can say in the moment they don’t want to use, but that doesn’t mean that in the next moment they will be able to think of anything but how, when, where they can get a fix…

And yes you will drive yourself insane always worried about if he is or isn’t using….trying to figure out his why’s, what he is thinking, what he says means, what his actions mean. And it isn’t a healthy way to live. So if you are going to hang around, then you need to make sure your are putting yourself first, get some education on enabling, on codependency, and get yourself a strong support system. You can not watch without having your own support system and without working on just you. Find acceptance, because even if he isn’t an addict and I don’t think the label matters, using isn’t healthy, jail isn’t a good sign, you fixating on his behavior and his why’s isn’t healthy.
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Old 05-28-2013, 08:19 AM
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I think I am being codependent. I felt like I had a hold of this. But apparently I don't. I have the mindset that if he uses again. I'm gone. But I overly worry about him using again..that's my concern is why I worry about that so much. I don't feel I enable him. I just don't wanna worry
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Old 05-28-2013, 09:11 AM
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You gotten so much wonderful advice, but it's up to you to act on it. I've been the addict/alcoholic in my relationships. I thought I would add my perspective.

Originally Posted by mareahh View Post
I have the mindset that if he uses again. I'm gone.
  • Your boyfriend told you, at the outset, that he was an addict (though in recovery). You didn't leave.
  • He relapsed. You didn't leave.
  • He went to jail for drug related offenses. You didn't leave.
Say he comes out, and uses again. Maybe he tells you, maybe he doesn't. Maybe you figure it out on your own. Is he worried you'll leave? Prior experience says no. If you stayed before, you'll stay now. That's what I'd be thinking.

Maybe leaving him to his recovery is the best thing you can do for him. Give him time; give him space. I hope for his sake he can stay clean. If he does, then perhaps you have a chance...down the road.

Good luck.
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Old 05-28-2013, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by mareahh View Post
This is what I'm doing. I'm obsessing over him using drugs again. He tells me that I can't worry about that because ill be miserable. He says well I don't want to use drugs. I don't have plans on doing drugs. What's that mean?!?
Some of the wisest words I have been told have come out of the mouth of an addict. This is one of those cases. If you worry about his relapse, you'll drive yourself nuts. His sobriety or relapse is out of your control. "You" are within your control. Your obsessive thinking is within your control. Your worry is within your control. Perhaps it's time to stop driving his bus and start driving your own.

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Old 05-28-2013, 06:15 PM
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There is a post I can't find about what addicts say in jail maybe someone will know where it is I am not saying the one you love is not being honest with you I just thinkk it might be good for you to read .

I did find this link however maybe you can find it helpful we will walk with you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:19 PM
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Hi crazybabie...everything is tucked nice and neatly in cynical's blog...

Here is a link mareahh.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-say-jail.html
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Old 05-29-2013, 04:22 AM
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I've read this before thank you. I didn't find he said a lot of those things.
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Old 05-29-2013, 01:49 PM
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They don't necessarily have to say "a lot" they just seem to know how much they have to say to keep you hooked in... to keep their copilot.
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Old 05-29-2013, 01:59 PM
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Oh Jesus. He doesn't say any of that! He doesn't do anything anyone says that the "addicts" will do actually
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Old 05-29-2013, 02:00 PM
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He doesn't keep me "hooked". I choose to stay. Im grown and if I want to leave I will. I don't give him money. He doesn't ask. I don't enable him. I'm not stupid.
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