Maybe an affair, active addiction and setting boundaries.
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Maybe an affair, active addiction and setting boundaries.
I think my AH might be involved in an affair. Friday evening when we got home he ate dinner, told me that he might have to go out and meet with his friend E who is a guy. Then at about 9:15 he phoned E and asked him in such a gentle soft voice whether he is finished and can he come over now. I got supicous because I thought that he never speaks like that to E especially not to any man I have ever heard him speak to over the phone. So I left it but it kept bugging me. Saturday he asked me to charge his phone, which I did and as soon as it came on I just had to look at his call registery and the number he dialed was not E’s number but an Albert. So I phoned the number from my mobile and guess what a lady answered the phone. I asked her if this was her number and if she uses it all the time and she said yes and I said I expected a man to answer the phone and she said no this is my number. When asked if she knew my husband R she denied it.
So later that evening I confronted him and he got really upset started accusing me of having multiple affairs and the rest is just to vulgar to repeat. He then said that it is a friend whom he goes to so that he can have a decent conversation because he cannot have a decent conversation with me because it usually ends in an argument and that he is lonely and I am never there for him. I listened to it all and said only one thing ‘addiction is a lonely disease because the addict is the one distancing himself from his family and friends’ and he did not want to accept it and I just left it at that. He kept on talking, accusing and swearing at me from 9pm until 12:40am nonstop! He said that this girl whom I happened to know, we used to be neighbors, is only a friend and he goes to smoke meth there with her boyfriend she does not smoke. He wanted me to wake the kids and get them dressed so that we could go to this woman and her BF and sort all of this out. I refused to take my babies out that time of the night in the cold.
I also did not want to go because I was scared of finding out the truth and of having my suspicions confirmed. But today I am going to phone her and ask her if I can come over tonight so that we can talk. I mean any woman would have thought her husband is cheating if a woman’s number is saved under a man’s name in his contacts. And he says because he knew that I would flip out that is why he did that. And if he was smoking with her BF why is he phoning HER???? None of it makes sense.
He is using again, yesterday I found the pipe in a baggy in his jeans and then I did a crazy thing. I took it out and hid it as if that would stop him from using again. He found out and asked me for it and I acted like the addict! I denied that I took it and then I lied! I hate telling lies I hate being lied to and then I- I lied! I felt horrible and then I told him I wanted to confess something, apologized and handed his pipe back. He said that he knew I was lying and he forgave me. I realized then that I needed to remind myself constantly that I had no control over his addiction. It does not matter what I do, I could never stop or cure it and most of all it is not my fault that he started using again. It is not my fault, I did not cause it, I cannot cure it and I certainly cannot control it.
How can I put some boundaries in place, he is in active addiction now and I need him to understand that I will continue to live like this. His workplace has a strong anti-drug policy I had some stinking thinking about phoning his boss to tell him, but his boss knows my boss and I know he will tell my boss, and I do not want my boss to know about this. I hate having to keep secrets but its the shame that goes along with this that I just do not want to deal with. I don't want people to pity me and check up on me/us. And knowing my boss he will do exactly that.
Thank you for reading.
A
So later that evening I confronted him and he got really upset started accusing me of having multiple affairs and the rest is just to vulgar to repeat. He then said that it is a friend whom he goes to so that he can have a decent conversation because he cannot have a decent conversation with me because it usually ends in an argument and that he is lonely and I am never there for him. I listened to it all and said only one thing ‘addiction is a lonely disease because the addict is the one distancing himself from his family and friends’ and he did not want to accept it and I just left it at that. He kept on talking, accusing and swearing at me from 9pm until 12:40am nonstop! He said that this girl whom I happened to know, we used to be neighbors, is only a friend and he goes to smoke meth there with her boyfriend she does not smoke. He wanted me to wake the kids and get them dressed so that we could go to this woman and her BF and sort all of this out. I refused to take my babies out that time of the night in the cold.
I also did not want to go because I was scared of finding out the truth and of having my suspicions confirmed. But today I am going to phone her and ask her if I can come over tonight so that we can talk. I mean any woman would have thought her husband is cheating if a woman’s number is saved under a man’s name in his contacts. And he says because he knew that I would flip out that is why he did that. And if he was smoking with her BF why is he phoning HER???? None of it makes sense.
He is using again, yesterday I found the pipe in a baggy in his jeans and then I did a crazy thing. I took it out and hid it as if that would stop him from using again. He found out and asked me for it and I acted like the addict! I denied that I took it and then I lied! I hate telling lies I hate being lied to and then I- I lied! I felt horrible and then I told him I wanted to confess something, apologized and handed his pipe back. He said that he knew I was lying and he forgave me. I realized then that I needed to remind myself constantly that I had no control over his addiction. It does not matter what I do, I could never stop or cure it and most of all it is not my fault that he started using again. It is not my fault, I did not cause it, I cannot cure it and I certainly cannot control it.
How can I put some boundaries in place, he is in active addiction now and I need him to understand that I will continue to live like this. His workplace has a strong anti-drug policy I had some stinking thinking about phoning his boss to tell him, but his boss knows my boss and I know he will tell my boss, and I do not want my boss to know about this. I hate having to keep secrets but its the shame that goes along with this that I just do not want to deal with. I don't want people to pity me and check up on me/us. And knowing my boss he will do exactly that.
Thank you for reading.
A
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How can I put some boundaries in place, he is in active addiction now and I need him to understand that I will continue to live like this.
The addict is acting predictably.......and so are you. It is a very familiar dance. And it will go on until one of you changes. That's just how addiction works.
I found myself doing all kinds of unacceptable things in order to combat addiction in both my XAH and my son. I had a "fight fire with fire" attitude. I deceived. I outright lied. I became a top notch detective. I hid our problems because I was ashamed. I thought that it was my responsibility to handle it all and keep everything together. And it darn near killed me.
I'm so sorry that all of this is happening. Addiction simply sucks...the life out of everyone around it. When you're truly ready.......there is a way to find some peace whether your husband continues to use or not.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
wow.
That is a mess.
Maybe start with getting First Things First?
Like getting you and the kids out of that mess?
Truth is a Meth-Daddy aint much of a Dad and as you are finding out, even less of a husband.
What else would you like to do with your life?
That is a mess.
Maybe start with getting First Things First?
Like getting you and the kids out of that mess?
Truth is a Meth-Daddy aint much of a Dad and as you are finding out, even less of a husband.
What else would you like to do with your life?
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Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
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He said that he knew I was lying and he forgave me.
I would not had hid the pipe, I would have smashed and tossed it. That is your home too and you have a right to keep your children from being around drugs and drug paraphernalia.
It's that complete insanity masquerading as normalcy that really f*cks children up. It did me anyway.
No, you can't control his use, but you can control how you and your children live. Away from active addiction is safest for your children.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry this is happening in your life, Angelscry.
My blunt 2 Cents: Don't even bother talking to "Albert." What is the point? What are you getting from it, really? What good can come of it? Nothing but more heartache and anxiety. I promise that is all you will get.
Instead, focus on yourself, your children, your future and your recovery. That's plenty. He's behaving like an addict. Don't believe his manipulations about you not being someone he can "talk" to. Disengage and protect yourself and your little ones. Take good care.
My blunt 2 Cents: Don't even bother talking to "Albert." What is the point? What are you getting from it, really? What good can come of it? Nothing but more heartache and anxiety. I promise that is all you will get.
Instead, focus on yourself, your children, your future and your recovery. That's plenty. He's behaving like an addict. Don't believe his manipulations about you not being someone he can "talk" to. Disengage and protect yourself and your little ones. Take good care.
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I'm sorry for all this pain in your life, Angelscry. Do you reallly expect a meth addict to live a moral life? And to give up drugs in order to keep you in his life? If you do, your thinking is irrational.
He is in deep addiction, he feels powerful and self-justified and he sees you as an annoying obstacle to what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. Drugging, cheating, lying, and probably stealing. You are in his way.
What is it that he says to you that makes you stay? What does he say to manipulate you into thinking he treasures you? Whatever it is is just addict-talk, it is all about him controlling you and getting whatever he wants at the moment.
Have you seen a doctor about possible STD's? I would get checked.
I am really sorry, but there is nothing but abuse in your relationship, and my guess is that it will continue.
He is in deep addiction, he feels powerful and self-justified and he sees you as an annoying obstacle to what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. Drugging, cheating, lying, and probably stealing. You are in his way.
What is it that he says to you that makes you stay? What does he say to manipulate you into thinking he treasures you? Whatever it is is just addict-talk, it is all about him controlling you and getting whatever he wants at the moment.
Have you seen a doctor about possible STD's? I would get checked.
I am really sorry, but there is nothing but abuse in your relationship, and my guess is that it will continue.
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Posts: 369
i agree with everyone else, angelscry. and i'm sorry you're going through this. i know the horrible feeling in your stomach when you feel you NEED to know things and you NEED the "truth". i am right there with you. i have also been told countless times how mine can't talk to me because i make it impossible. whatever. that's not true. it's a blame-shift. i can say this to you and know it, but i totally get being right there in it and letting those kinds of manipulation tactics pull at you.
if i were you, i would want to talk to "albert" too. but honestly, i would not do it. you know all you need to know.
if i were you, i would want to talk to "albert" too. but honestly, i would not do it. you know all you need to know.
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He kept on talking, accusing and swearing at me from 9pm until 12:40am nonstop!
ZoSo
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
I read your post with a lot of lightbulbs going off in my own mind--thank you for sharing.
It is obvious from a distance that a)he got caught, and b)threw a temper tantrum.
Yes, addicts operate at that level, except they are adults, capable of verbal abuse and physical abuse, and when an adult addict has a tantrum, it can be domestic violence. Yelling at you for hours is unacceptable.
But, when I was in the middle of situations like that, I'd be seriously confused. I would really think I must've done something wrong, to trigger such anger and frustration. Then if I could just change what I did, I wouldn't get yelled at. Self-doubt and wondering how to make things better is a positive in a healthy relationship---if both partners do it.
With an active addict, there's only insanity. Do you have somewhere you could go with the kids? Meth and anger and lies don't sound like a healthy environment for you and the kids. Again, thanks for sharing!
It is obvious from a distance that a)he got caught, and b)threw a temper tantrum.
Yes, addicts operate at that level, except they are adults, capable of verbal abuse and physical abuse, and when an adult addict has a tantrum, it can be domestic violence. Yelling at you for hours is unacceptable.
But, when I was in the middle of situations like that, I'd be seriously confused. I would really think I must've done something wrong, to trigger such anger and frustration. Then if I could just change what I did, I wouldn't get yelled at. Self-doubt and wondering how to make things better is a positive in a healthy relationship---if both partners do it.
With an active addict, there's only insanity. Do you have somewhere you could go with the kids? Meth and anger and lies don't sound like a healthy environment for you and the kids. Again, thanks for sharing!
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Putting yourself between an addict and their drugs can be a very dangerous place.
Whether it is hiding their pipe, calling their meth using buddies (whether they are male or female) etc.
It takes alot of strength to set a solid boundry and follow thru with it.
That includes calling the police if necessary. The best thing you can do is GET THAT
STRENGTH. He can't give it to you....it's something only you can do for yourself.
How do you do that? You cut to the chase and admit to yourself that he is an active addict. You forget everything that he "was" before...because he is no longer prince charming. He is an addict...with everything that goes with it.
You acknowledge that addiction is a family disease with far reaching tentacles. Tentacles that have wrapped themselves around you and will pull you to the depths if you don't start taking some action for yourself.
Start making an exit strategy. When the bottom falls out, and believe me...it ALWAYS does, you will be glad you did.
Don't waste your energy trying to figure out what he is doing. You will make yourself CRAZY. What matters is that he is an active meth addict......and YES....THAT IS ENOUGH INFO for you. What he is doing is a result of being in active addiction. The details are just not important.
It takes an incredible amount of energy to be a detective. Energy you could be using to empower yourself. Do you want to do it now?....or do you want to do it later when you are emotionally, financially and spiritually at your lowest? Because that is where you are headed. I'm not trying to be unkind in any way. I have been there.
You and you alone get to choose if you are going to be a vicTIM or a vicTOR.
Said with much love and compassion.
Whether it is hiding their pipe, calling their meth using buddies (whether they are male or female) etc.
It takes alot of strength to set a solid boundry and follow thru with it.
That includes calling the police if necessary. The best thing you can do is GET THAT
STRENGTH. He can't give it to you....it's something only you can do for yourself.
How do you do that? You cut to the chase and admit to yourself that he is an active addict. You forget everything that he "was" before...because he is no longer prince charming. He is an addict...with everything that goes with it.
You acknowledge that addiction is a family disease with far reaching tentacles. Tentacles that have wrapped themselves around you and will pull you to the depths if you don't start taking some action for yourself.
Start making an exit strategy. When the bottom falls out, and believe me...it ALWAYS does, you will be glad you did.
Don't waste your energy trying to figure out what he is doing. You will make yourself CRAZY. What matters is that he is an active meth addict......and YES....THAT IS ENOUGH INFO for you. What he is doing is a result of being in active addiction. The details are just not important.
It takes an incredible amount of energy to be a detective. Energy you could be using to empower yourself. Do you want to do it now?....or do you want to do it later when you are emotionally, financially and spiritually at your lowest? Because that is where you are headed. I'm not trying to be unkind in any way. I have been there.
You and you alone get to choose if you are going to be a vicTIM or a vicTOR.
Said with much love and compassion.
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Location: W Washington
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the reason why dude was on a rant for HOURS is that he was jacked out of his mind!!! he's getting high IN the house! or the garage or tool shed. he's bringing the dope and the paraphanalia IN the home where his CHILDREN reside. people high on meth are capable of great sudden irrational acts of violence.
what are YOUR boundaries regarding your children and drugs? THAT is where you should start IMHO. not sure you can even fathom what kind of stuff is going on when he goes wherever to get high.....but it ain't good.
do NOT call these people. that is not the solution. you won't get the truth. you are wasting your precious time and effort. get him out or get you and the kids out. make calls that assure your safety and your future, not calling his drug buddies!!!!!
what are YOUR boundaries regarding your children and drugs? THAT is where you should start IMHO. not sure you can even fathom what kind of stuff is going on when he goes wherever to get high.....but it ain't good.
do NOT call these people. that is not the solution. you won't get the truth. you are wasting your precious time and effort. get him out or get you and the kids out. make calls that assure your safety and your future, not calling his drug buddies!!!!!
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Police Departments have specialized protocols for dealing with Meth addicts because they are prone to spontaneous violence. Is this someone who should be anywhere near children?
" I will not expose my children to someone in active addiction or early recovery" is a boundary. A boundary does not attempt to control other people's behaviors. It's not an ultimatum.
Protecting yourself and your children is your job.
" I will not expose my children to someone in active addiction or early recovery" is a boundary. A boundary does not attempt to control other people's behaviors. It's not an ultimatum.
Protecting yourself and your children is your job.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Angelscry,
I'm reading a book called Boundaries. I highly recommend it. One of the things it suggests is that when you put boundaries in place, you should have a support system, possibly even a group of people who have dealt with what you are dealing with AND that you have a relationship with God, or your HP.
The reason is that it is very likely that when you decide on your boundaries, and stick with them, you may lose people in "relationships" you thought you had. This is difficult for us, because we, as humans, were created to be in relationships. Our first relationship needs to be with God, or our HP.
I'm saying this because I can relate to the feelings you're experiencing. It took me a long time to stand firm on my boundary that I would not allow an addict to live with me or my children. I think it was because I was afraid I would lose the relationship I had with my AH and his family. And, I have. But, I have a better relationship with God now and coming to SR was where I could find safety and people who cared about me.
My AH cheated on me. I found numbers in his phone as well that were misassigned in his contacts. I've read text after text of adultry. I've seen our phone records of him calling and texting the same number continously throughout days and days. It's heartbreaking. Calling this "Albert" isn't going to help. You already know the truth.
Being super-detective isn't going to help, either. Even if you find his pipe and get rid of it (which I've also done), he'll get another one. And another. And another. He won't quit until he's ready.
You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out an addict. Use that energy to focus on you and your kids. What do you need? (I need to live with adults I trust. I need to live in a drug-free home. etc)What do they need? (My kids need to live in a drug-free home. My kids need to live in a violence-free home. etc.) Turn those needs into boundaries and stick with them.
Your kids need at least one healthy, sane, parent.
I'm reading a book called Boundaries. I highly recommend it. One of the things it suggests is that when you put boundaries in place, you should have a support system, possibly even a group of people who have dealt with what you are dealing with AND that you have a relationship with God, or your HP.
The reason is that it is very likely that when you decide on your boundaries, and stick with them, you may lose people in "relationships" you thought you had. This is difficult for us, because we, as humans, were created to be in relationships. Our first relationship needs to be with God, or our HP.
I'm saying this because I can relate to the feelings you're experiencing. It took me a long time to stand firm on my boundary that I would not allow an addict to live with me or my children. I think it was because I was afraid I would lose the relationship I had with my AH and his family. And, I have. But, I have a better relationship with God now and coming to SR was where I could find safety and people who cared about me.
My AH cheated on me. I found numbers in his phone as well that were misassigned in his contacts. I've read text after text of adultry. I've seen our phone records of him calling and texting the same number continously throughout days and days. It's heartbreaking. Calling this "Albert" isn't going to help. You already know the truth.
Being super-detective isn't going to help, either. Even if you find his pipe and get rid of it (which I've also done), he'll get another one. And another. And another. He won't quit until he's ready.
You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out an addict. Use that energy to focus on you and your kids. What do you need? (I need to live with adults I trust. I need to live in a drug-free home. etc)What do they need? (My kids need to live in a drug-free home. My kids need to live in a violence-free home. etc.) Turn those needs into boundaries and stick with them.
Your kids need at least one healthy, sane, parent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Our actions are what convey our messages loud and clear (and the same goes for the addict).
The addict is acting predictably.......and so are you. It is a very familiar dance. And it will go on until one of you changes. That's just how addiction works.
ke
The addict is acting predictably.......and so are you. It is a very familiar dance. And it will go on until one of you changes. That's just how addiction works.
ke
Thanks for your advice.
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Originally Posted by Hammer
wow.
Truth is a Meth-Daddy aint much of a Dad and as you are finding out, even less of a husband.
Truth is a Meth-Daddy aint much of a Dad and as you are finding out, even less of a husband.
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Originally Posted by soberlicious
You are apologizing to a meth addict and feel grateful that he forgave you.
Thanks
A
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Originally Posted by GardenMama
My blunt 2 Cents: Don't even bother talking to "Albert." What is the point? What are you getting from it, really? What good can come of it? Nothing but more heartache and anxiety. I promise that is all you will get.
Instead, focus on yourself, your children, your future and your recovery. That's plenty.
Instead, focus on yourself, your children, your future and your recovery. That's plenty.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;3986233Have you seen a doctor about possible STD's? I would get checked.
[/QUOTE]
thanks Englisgarden, I have had myself checked out a couple of months ago and thankfully I am healthy. My HIV test also came back negative.
[/QUOTE]
thanks Englisgarden, I have had myself checked out a couple of months ago and thankfully I am healthy. My HIV test also came back negative.
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Originally Posted by fairlyuncertain
I read your post with a lot of lightbulbs going off in my own mind--thank you for sharing.
It is obvious from a distance that a)he got caught, and b)threw a temper tantrum.
Yes, addicts operate at that level, except they are adults, capable of verbal abuse and physical abuse, and when an adult addict has a tantrum, it can be domestic violence. Yelling at you for hours is unacceptable.
But, when I was in the middle of situations like that, I'd be seriously confused. I would really think I must've done something wrong, to trigger such anger and frustration. Then if I could just change what I did, I wouldn't get yelled at. Self-doubt and wondering how to make things better is a positive in a healthy relationship---if both partners do it.
With an active addict, there's only insanity. Do you have somewhere you could go with the kids? Meth and anger and lies don't sound like a healthy environment for you and the kids. Again, thanks for sharing!
It is obvious from a distance that a)he got caught, and b)threw a temper tantrum.
Yes, addicts operate at that level, except they are adults, capable of verbal abuse and physical abuse, and when an adult addict has a tantrum, it can be domestic violence. Yelling at you for hours is unacceptable.
But, when I was in the middle of situations like that, I'd be seriously confused. I would really think I must've done something wrong, to trigger such anger and frustration. Then if I could just change what I did, I wouldn't get yelled at. Self-doubt and wondering how to make things better is a positive in a healthy relationship---if both partners do it.
With an active addict, there's only insanity. Do you have somewhere you could go with the kids? Meth and anger and lies don't sound like a healthy environment for you and the kids. Again, thanks for sharing!
Thank you,
A
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