Splitting
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Splitting
Splitting: Making Breakups Harder To Get Over
August 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott
What is “splitting” and why is it harmful to your recovery from a breakup?
In short, it means mentally and emotionally splitting the good from the bad.
It was something I had done with my abusive husband and something victims tend to do.
But it’s not just for abuse victims. Many people do this and it makes it downright IMPOSSIBLE to truly get over someone.
It’s the mental magician trick of chopping people up into good and bad and being so in love with the good and just wishing that the bad is an aberration and was a phase or just go away or be something unusual.
When the person you loved and who loved you is starting to engage in unloving behavior toward you, you can’t make sense of it. This person compared to the other person does not make sense. At all. It does not compute.
In your mind you hold onto what you HAD while ignoring what you HAVE. You tell yourself this is not the real person, the one you fell in love with is. But the person you fell in love with has not been around in a long time and the person who fell in love with you and treated you so well (as loving partners are supposed to do) is GONE. And gone for good. Even if he or she appears for a time, that’s not okay for the way they are treating you now is unacceptable. So stop holding out hope. The present person you are seeing is an ass and that is not okay.
It’s hard to stop splitting. But it’s a necessary step (stop splitting) if you want to get better.
The splitting is tough but when you’re doing it…holding onto the loving person…remember to concentrate on the person who hurt you and know they are the same person.
If you’re splitting, work on grieving the good person but keep acknowledging the hurtful person. They are one and the same.
And be glad that neither are still in your life.
But you still are.
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
You can do it!!!
August 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott
What is “splitting” and why is it harmful to your recovery from a breakup?
In short, it means mentally and emotionally splitting the good from the bad.
It was something I had done with my abusive husband and something victims tend to do.
But it’s not just for abuse victims. Many people do this and it makes it downright IMPOSSIBLE to truly get over someone.
It’s the mental magician trick of chopping people up into good and bad and being so in love with the good and just wishing that the bad is an aberration and was a phase or just go away or be something unusual.
When the person you loved and who loved you is starting to engage in unloving behavior toward you, you can’t make sense of it. This person compared to the other person does not make sense. At all. It does not compute.
In your mind you hold onto what you HAD while ignoring what you HAVE. You tell yourself this is not the real person, the one you fell in love with is. But the person you fell in love with has not been around in a long time and the person who fell in love with you and treated you so well (as loving partners are supposed to do) is GONE. And gone for good. Even if he or she appears for a time, that’s not okay for the way they are treating you now is unacceptable. So stop holding out hope. The present person you are seeing is an ass and that is not okay.
It’s hard to stop splitting. But it’s a necessary step (stop splitting) if you want to get better.
The splitting is tough but when you’re doing it…holding onto the loving person…remember to concentrate on the person who hurt you and know they are the same person.
If you’re splitting, work on grieving the good person but keep acknowledging the hurtful person. They are one and the same.
And be glad that neither are still in your life.
But you still are.
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
You can do it!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
I think I've been practicing this somewhat, and I'm glad to see it reinforced here. Whenever I have one of those days where I keep remembering the 'good' times, I give myself a mental shake and remind myself about the bad things - the way he ended it, the times he said something hurtful, the lies and cheating at the end. However, I admit that I don't always give myself that mental shake as quickly as I should and therefore, sometimes tend to get lost in the 'good' for a little too long!
But one of the best things my oldest brother said to me, after I showed him the text, was, "Keep that text. Get rid of all the others, but keep that one. And when you're having a moment of weakness or thinking it wasn't that bad, go back and read it and remember how you felt tonight." And you know what, it works! Granted, I haven't deleted any of the years' worth of saved texts from him yet, but I will when I'm ready and I don't read any of them anyway because it would hurt too much. But whenever I'm lost in the 'good' memories and can't find my way back even with a mental shake, I look at that last text and it hits me like a bucket of ice water thrown in my face. And I realize that NONE of that 'good' stuff that came before matters, none of the happier times, the intimate moments, the times I really believed he loved me. NONE OF IT MATTERS. All that matters, the ONLY thing that matters at this point, is HOW HE ENDED IT, with that awful, hurtful text message.
So I'm not sure if that's exactly what they mean, but it's been working for me. Thanks for sharing this, Anvil!
But one of the best things my oldest brother said to me, after I showed him the text, was, "Keep that text. Get rid of all the others, but keep that one. And when you're having a moment of weakness or thinking it wasn't that bad, go back and read it and remember how you felt tonight." And you know what, it works! Granted, I haven't deleted any of the years' worth of saved texts from him yet, but I will when I'm ready and I don't read any of them anyway because it would hurt too much. But whenever I'm lost in the 'good' memories and can't find my way back even with a mental shake, I look at that last text and it hits me like a bucket of ice water thrown in my face. And I realize that NONE of that 'good' stuff that came before matters, none of the happier times, the intimate moments, the times I really believed he loved me. NONE OF IT MATTERS. All that matters, the ONLY thing that matters at this point, is HOW HE ENDED IT, with that awful, hurtful text message.
So I'm not sure if that's exactly what they mean, but it's been working for me. Thanks for sharing this, Anvil!
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thinking about this a bit more, I realized that's also exactly what ADDICTS do - split the "good" from the bad regarding drug use...romanticize, chase that first mind blowing high....I thought it very insightful when she said that as long as we keep splitting, we can never let go.
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Posts: 1,618
wow!
guilty here!
even just Wednesday I used the Jeckle and Hyde metaphor when speaking with him.
I have always thought about it in a split way.
The good is an illusion. or a memory depending on the situation.
so things aren't black and white.
they are gray.
o_O
guilty here!
even just Wednesday I used the Jeckle and Hyde metaphor when speaking with him.
I have always thought about it in a split way.
The good is an illusion. or a memory depending on the situation.
so things aren't black and white.
they are gray.
o_O
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 68
I get that it's not the same person anymore !! But there are days I still I just wish I could have that person back that if he wasn't using things would be good but really would they ?? Even if he got sober today it takes years to change its a process I know as far as the drugs and really working a program and having a relationship with god if this did not happen to me I would not have wanted to know my higher power better to have a relationship with god giving him all of me not just the drugs and drinking !! How else could god get my attention if this did not happen??? He wouldn't .. Someday days I hate him somedays I'm just so sad !! But I know I hate this disease not the person but my heart doesn't it just feels like its been torn apart it hurts like hell !! I think to myself ill never get to talk to him again never see him smile never get to hold his hand .. Then I think of all the F@&k up **** he has done to me why would I want to ?? Don't know just venting and sad tonight .. Last I know he was sick with Pneumonia really I wonder why ?? But whatever that's what he chose I chose to have a life sad or heart broken I chose to not let me destroy me anymore !! I still have my dream of meeting a guy who
Loves me and god and has recovery it may never happen but I can still have my dream it just won't be with my husband
Loves me and god and has recovery it may never happen but I can still have my dream it just won't be with my husband
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I agree that god sent this person into my life. A lot of good things have happened from it.
I learned I was codependent.
I learned the serenity prayer.
I was introduced to the 12 steps.
I found Al anon and celebrate recovery.
I ran screaming and crying back into the arms of God.
sometimes people are lessons.
I learned I was codependent.
I learned the serenity prayer.
I was introduced to the 12 steps.
I found Al anon and celebrate recovery.
I ran screaming and crying back into the arms of God.
sometimes people are lessons.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Sometimes people are lessons. ^^^^
A lesson I didn't learn well enough the first time and needed to relearn?
I can only hope I can get some perspective from this situation. I bounced from a relationship with a drug addict into a marriage with a verbal and emotional abuser.
I went to Alanon for over a year - felt I was in the clear and my codependency snuck up on me again. I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna be stronger, I'm gonna be able to do it THIS time.
Ladies and Gentlemen - I officially give up and give this one to God.
A lesson I didn't learn well enough the first time and needed to relearn?
I can only hope I can get some perspective from this situation. I bounced from a relationship with a drug addict into a marriage with a verbal and emotional abuser.
I went to Alanon for over a year - felt I was in the clear and my codependency snuck up on me again. I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna be stronger, I'm gonna be able to do it THIS time.
Ladies and Gentlemen - I officially give up and give this one to God.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
omigod.
Great Stuff . . . hanging every word and then . . . . this ending . . . .
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
Laughing. At me. That was good.
Needed to hear that, I guess.
Great Stuff . . . hanging every word and then . . . . this ending . . . .
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
Laughing. At me. That was good.
Needed to hear that, I guess.
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amazing the lengths we will go to in order to NOT have to let go...including dissecting the object of our affection IN TWO! just take a paring knife and carve out the parts we don't like. like that will work!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
WOW!
I needed this! Have totally been going thru this lately. Mourning, if you will, what WAS my loving husband....
Anvilhead,
I just want to tell you thanks! You are truely a voice of wisdom. You have helped me so much to "see" the things I did not, in a in your face, full frontal approach (something I needed) When you leave this earth, know that you have done good. That you changed at least one life. (me) If it wasn't for you I may have never left!
((((hugs))))
I needed this! Have totally been going thru this lately. Mourning, if you will, what WAS my loving husband....
Anvilhead,
I just want to tell you thanks! You are truely a voice of wisdom. You have helped me so much to "see" the things I did not, in a in your face, full frontal approach (something I needed) When you leave this earth, know that you have done good. That you changed at least one life. (me) If it wasn't for you I may have never left!
((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I'm tempted to differ with Anvil here!
( putting on my 'folksy hat', my faux
southern backwoods accent---- behaviors
that SR regulars know presage great
pseudo-wisdom throat clearing by me!)
(((((Well... ya gots 'ta take the good with
the bad!))))))))
BULLCRAP!!!!!!!
..........sorry.........I can't do this.........Anvil
is right.........splitting is BS.
((((((Chuck them both!))))))))
( putting on my 'folksy hat', my faux
southern backwoods accent---- behaviors
that SR regulars know presage great
pseudo-wisdom throat clearing by me!)
(((((Well... ya gots 'ta take the good with
the bad!))))))))
BULLCRAP!!!!!!!
..........sorry.........I can't do this.........Anvil
is right.........splitting is BS.
((((((Chuck them both!))))))))
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