Can he love me?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Can he love me?
My boyfriend is a heroin addict, injection user and has been for too long. I don't want to go into detail right now because there is so much I can say. I am confused because I read so many posts of significant others who feel trapped in the relationship and their addict boyfriend or girlfriend blames them and calls them names, etc.
I don't feel naive, I know he is manipulative but he would NEVER blame me for his addiction, he never has. He has never called me a name, he has never gotten physical. When I am with him or speak to him he is only loving and it makes it SO hard to stay away. But he just won't stop. I never know he is he actually trying, though he says he battles everyday.
I want to believe very badly that he loves me. I do adore this man more than anything and I know he has a good heart, even if drugs are his priority. He is sick, I know he needs help, I hope he realizes it too. Has anyone observed an addict who was truly getting clean? What were indicators?
So much more I could ask/share but that is all for now! Thank you. <3
I don't feel naive, I know he is manipulative but he would NEVER blame me for his addiction, he never has. He has never called me a name, he has never gotten physical. When I am with him or speak to him he is only loving and it makes it SO hard to stay away. But he just won't stop. I never know he is he actually trying, though he says he battles everyday.
I want to believe very badly that he loves me. I do adore this man more than anything and I know he has a good heart, even if drugs are his priority. He is sick, I know he needs help, I hope he realizes it too. Has anyone observed an addict who was truly getting clean? What were indicators?
So much more I could ask/share but that is all for now! Thank you. <3
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Lindsey...
Welcome to the Board.
You ask a question that gets asked a lot: is an addict capable of true, mature, romantic love.
I'm of the opinion no. Why?
Addiction is such a selfish and self-seeking illness. I like to say the active addict's eyes only look in one direction, and that's inward, and because of that, they will think nothing of lying to, stealing from, cheating on and abusing those that love them. Do you know what's even more heartbreaking than that? A parent watching a child suffer through addiction. As you read more posts, you read stories about how mothers have had to take RO's out on their kids, or have not bailed them out of jail, or have thrown them out of the house. I kid you not.
Of course, the addict is capable of gestures and affection, but they can't string those moments together with any sort of consistency.
When I tell you this, please don't personalize it. But you also need to be aware that you're dealing with something that is quite powerful. Learn what you can while you're with us. I would also encourage you to attend a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. Knowledge is power.
Best,
ZoSo
Welcome to the Board.
You ask a question that gets asked a lot: is an addict capable of true, mature, romantic love.
I'm of the opinion no. Why?
Addiction is such a selfish and self-seeking illness. I like to say the active addict's eyes only look in one direction, and that's inward, and because of that, they will think nothing of lying to, stealing from, cheating on and abusing those that love them. Do you know what's even more heartbreaking than that? A parent watching a child suffer through addiction. As you read more posts, you read stories about how mothers have had to take RO's out on their kids, or have not bailed them out of jail, or have thrown them out of the house. I kid you not.
Of course, the addict is capable of gestures and affection, but they can't string those moments together with any sort of consistency.
When I tell you this, please don't personalize it. But you also need to be aware that you're dealing with something that is quite powerful. Learn what you can while you're with us. I would also encourage you to attend a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. Knowledge is power.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband ended his use of opiated based pain meds just over a year ago. He tells me he tried to stop a few times on his own, but he could never see it through; although some people can stop on their own. My husband did a detox, and then went into rehab. I think the biggest sign of change is someone taking action and actively looking for a solution. I personally thing there are stages of change, and if you listen to his words, and his actions then maybe you can place him in one of the following catagories:
Are addicts capable of love? Yes I believe they certainly are. I would suggest taking a read in the Stickies at the top of the forum; especially the ones from the National Institute of Drug Abuse; one is Info for families and the other explain how the brain is affected once a person starts using drugs. The brain at a subconscious level actually believes drugs are needed for survival. At the end of that thread are some YouTube clips from a movie called Pleaseure Unwoven, these would be helpful I think. But the answer to your question, addicts are still people, still human, still have emotion and feeling. The problem often arises when they let other aspects of their life including relationships slide to maintain their drug use. They may love you, but you may end up not getting enough out of the relationship.
1) PRECONTEMPLATION STAGE
"It isn't that we cannot see the solution. It's that we cannot see the problem."
Precontemplators usually show up in therapy because of pressures from others… spouses, employers, parents, and courts… Resist change. When their problem comes up, they change the topic of conversation. They place responsibility for their problems on factors such as genetic makeup, addition, family, society, destiny, the police, etc. They feel the situation is HOPELESS.
2) CONTEMPLATION STAGE
"I want to stop feeling so stuck!"
Contemplators acknowledge that they have a problem and begin to think about solving it. Contemplators struggle to understand their problems, to see its causes, and wonder about possible solutions. Many contemplators have indefinite plans to take action within the next few months.
"You know your destination, and even how to get there, but you're not ready to go." It is not uncommon for contemplators to tell themselves that some day they are going to change. When contemplators transition to the preparation stage of change, their thinking is clearly marked by two changes. First, they begin to think more about the future than the past.
The end of contemplation stage is a time of ANTICIPATION, ACTIVITY, ANXIETY, and EXCITEMENT.
3) PREPARATION STAGE
Most people in the preparation stage are planning to take action and are making the final adjustments before they begin to change their behavior. Have not yet resolved their AMBIVALENCE. Still need a little convincing.
4) ACTION STAGE
Stage where people overtly modify their behavior and their surroundings. Make the move for which they have been preparing. Requires the greatest commitment of time and energy.
CHANGE IS MORE VISIBLE TO OTHERS.
5) MAINTENANCE STAGE
Change never ends with action. Without a strong commitment to maintenance, there will surely be relapse, usually to precontemplation or contemplation stage.
"It isn't that we cannot see the solution. It's that we cannot see the problem."
Precontemplators usually show up in therapy because of pressures from others… spouses, employers, parents, and courts… Resist change. When their problem comes up, they change the topic of conversation. They place responsibility for their problems on factors such as genetic makeup, addition, family, society, destiny, the police, etc. They feel the situation is HOPELESS.
2) CONTEMPLATION STAGE
"I want to stop feeling so stuck!"
Contemplators acknowledge that they have a problem and begin to think about solving it. Contemplators struggle to understand their problems, to see its causes, and wonder about possible solutions. Many contemplators have indefinite plans to take action within the next few months.
"You know your destination, and even how to get there, but you're not ready to go." It is not uncommon for contemplators to tell themselves that some day they are going to change. When contemplators transition to the preparation stage of change, their thinking is clearly marked by two changes. First, they begin to think more about the future than the past.
The end of contemplation stage is a time of ANTICIPATION, ACTIVITY, ANXIETY, and EXCITEMENT.
3) PREPARATION STAGE
Most people in the preparation stage are planning to take action and are making the final adjustments before they begin to change their behavior. Have not yet resolved their AMBIVALENCE. Still need a little convincing.
4) ACTION STAGE
Stage where people overtly modify their behavior and their surroundings. Make the move for which they have been preparing. Requires the greatest commitment of time and energy.
CHANGE IS MORE VISIBLE TO OTHERS.
5) MAINTENANCE STAGE
Change never ends with action. Without a strong commitment to maintenance, there will surely be relapse, usually to precontemplation or contemplation stage.
Are addicts capable of love? Yes I believe they certainly are. I would suggest taking a read in the Stickies at the top of the forum; especially the ones from the National Institute of Drug Abuse; one is Info for families and the other explain how the brain is affected once a person starts using drugs. The brain at a subconscious level actually believes drugs are needed for survival. At the end of that thread are some YouTube clips from a movie called Pleaseure Unwoven, these would be helpful I think. But the answer to your question, addicts are still people, still human, still have emotion and feeling. The problem often arises when they let other aspects of their life including relationships slide to maintain their drug use. They may love you, but you may end up not getting enough out of the relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
He is an opiate addict, long term, you'll know when he stops because he will be very sick. If he's not very sick and agitated, he's isn't clean. It's that simple.
I'm guessing you've never gotten in between him and his drug. In my experience, the niceties end really quick at that point. I'm not advising you to do this, it wouldn't work anyway. He will stop when he's ready; he'll stop when the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of quitting.
Two of my family members are heroin addicts, and so far they haven't reached that point. They have active enablers and I have removed myself from their chaos. I can tell you that it will get worse, much worse. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. There's a lot of help and support here, keep reading and keep posting!
I'm guessing you've never gotten in between him and his drug. In my experience, the niceties end really quick at that point. I'm not advising you to do this, it wouldn't work anyway. He will stop when he's ready; he'll stop when the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of quitting.
Two of my family members are heroin addicts, and so far they haven't reached that point. They have active enablers and I have removed myself from their chaos. I can tell you that it will get worse, much worse. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. There's a lot of help and support here, keep reading and keep posting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Thank you for all of the responses, please share more if you'd like! This isn't very new to me, I have been to al-anon meetings and he has gone to rehab once, where I stayed for the last weekend for the "family" portion of treatment. He was on suboxone for a time but came off when he went to rehab, but he's back in his using now. I can tell in second when he is high, which is usually everyday (I work with him, he's very "functioning" regardless of how bad his addiction is right now). But some days I can see he hasn't used and the irritability is obvious, although he always tries his hardest to be a gentleman and it's very sad. He seems depressed when he hasn't used. We aren't exactly "together" right now, because of the addiction, but I can't deny that he has a strong hold on my heart and probably always will. Even if I never have my happy ending with him I want to at least know that his love for me was real, because I know that the love I have for him is so special.
Thank you for sharing the stages allforcnm, I haven't seen that before! I suspect he is only 1st or 2nd.
Thank you for sharing the stages allforcnm, I haven't seen that before! I suspect he is only 1st or 2nd.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
I guess I can't answer if it would be closure or something to hold onto 
but I know that so long as he is active in his addiction we can't ever be and it won't ever be enough, there's no future there and only madness. It's very frustrating and I hate feeling so helpless.
but I know that so long as he is active in his addiction we can't ever be and it won't ever be enough, there's no future there and only madness. It's very frustrating and I hate feeling so helpless.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by LindseyBoBinds 
I guess I can't answer if it would be closure or something to hold onto but I know that so long as he is active in his addiction we can't ever be and it won't ever be enough, there's no future there and only madness. It's very frustrating and I hate feeling so helpless.
but I know that so long as he is active in his addiction we can't ever be and it won't ever be enough, there's no future there and only madness. It's very frustrating and I hate feeling so helpless.You can choose to detach from him...with love. You can choose to allow whatever is supposed to happen with him to happen, for that's between him and God. You can choose to learn about addiction and its pernicious effects on those in its field.
Or...you can choose to stay coupled to him and gradually watch him disintegrate. And if you choose this path, it's more than likely he'll bring you down with him.
There is nothing you or anyone can do to help him. He has to choose recovery on his own.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
even tho drugs are his priority.
drugs are his priority. not you, not his family, not his self respect, NOTHING matters when the jones hits. and it hits often. I am an addict, but never opiates ( alcohol, crack) and I can't fathom what heroin addiction is like. but I do know when I was a crack addict, when it came time to USE, absolutely nothing else mattered...not the job the next day, not draining another $80 from the account, not going to meet the dealer in some shady place....sending my other half off on a 40 mile round trip IN rush hour, to a dealer that went all paranoid and toted a shotgun.
might he have had loving, caring feelings FOR you? certainly. but his addiction would NEVER allow him to put anything first. it's just not possible.
I remember driving TO the mall, ON Christmas eve, to hook up. can you imagine the chaos? the sheer volume of traffic? the night before Christmas??? we were at that time unable to do anything else. the desire, the craving for crack said we HAD to go. it made us sick WHILE we were fighting our way thru the parking lot, passing a slew of cop cars...but by then all our brain said was get the dope.
this has nothing to do with, how wonderful you are, how much you might have loved him....
drugs are his priority. not you, not his family, not his self respect, NOTHING matters when the jones hits. and it hits often. I am an addict, but never opiates ( alcohol, crack) and I can't fathom what heroin addiction is like. but I do know when I was a crack addict, when it came time to USE, absolutely nothing else mattered...not the job the next day, not draining another $80 from the account, not going to meet the dealer in some shady place....sending my other half off on a 40 mile round trip IN rush hour, to a dealer that went all paranoid and toted a shotgun.
might he have had loving, caring feelings FOR you? certainly. but his addiction would NEVER allow him to put anything first. it's just not possible.
I remember driving TO the mall, ON Christmas eve, to hook up. can you imagine the chaos? the sheer volume of traffic? the night before Christmas??? we were at that time unable to do anything else. the desire, the craving for crack said we HAD to go. it made us sick WHILE we were fighting our way thru the parking lot, passing a slew of cop cars...but by then all our brain said was get the dope.
this has nothing to do with, how wonderful you are, how much you might have loved him....
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
My bf stated that when he was using, his only priority was the drug. It was his best friend. He admitted that I was not his priority at the time. Active drug addicts don't take care of themselves or anybody else. Nothing is more important than the drug. I'm not going to go so far as to say they cannot love. However, they cannot be there for themselves or others. They are never completely there with you, because their main love is the drug. I don't think love is really what matters. I don't believe it is everything. There is more to a relationship than love, and love can't solve all our problems. If love was strong enough to cure addiction, than the many addicted loved ones in my life (my mom, bf, step-daughter, etc.) would be clean. Take care.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
even tho drugs are his priority.
drugs are his priority. not you, not his family, not his self respect, NOTHING matters when the jones hits. and it hits often. I am an addict, but never opiates ( alcohol, crack) and I can't fathom what heroin addiction is like. but I do know when I was a crack addict, when it came time to USE, absolutely nothing else mattered...not the job the next day, not draining another $80 from the account, not going to meet the dealer in some shady place....sending my other half off on a 40 mile round trip IN rush hour, to a dealer that went all paranoid and toted a shotgun.
might he have had loving, caring feelings FOR you? certainly. but his addiction would NEVER allow him to put anything first. it's just not possible.
I remember driving TO the mall, ON Christmas eve, to hook up. can you imagine the chaos? the sheer volume of traffic? the night before Christmas??? we were at that time unable to do anything else. the desire, the craving for crack said we HAD to go. it made us sick WHILE we were fighting our way thru the parking lot, passing a slew of cop cars...but by then all our brain said was get the dope.
this has nothing to do with, how wonderful you are, how much you might have loved him....
drugs are his priority. not you, not his family, not his self respect, NOTHING matters when the jones hits. and it hits often. I am an addict, but never opiates ( alcohol, crack) and I can't fathom what heroin addiction is like. but I do know when I was a crack addict, when it came time to USE, absolutely nothing else mattered...not the job the next day, not draining another $80 from the account, not going to meet the dealer in some shady place....sending my other half off on a 40 mile round trip IN rush hour, to a dealer that went all paranoid and toted a shotgun.
might he have had loving, caring feelings FOR you? certainly. but his addiction would NEVER allow him to put anything first. it's just not possible.
I remember driving TO the mall, ON Christmas eve, to hook up. can you imagine the chaos? the sheer volume of traffic? the night before Christmas??? we were at that time unable to do anything else. the desire, the craving for crack said we HAD to go. it made us sick WHILE we were fighting our way thru the parking lot, passing a slew of cop cars...but by then all our brain said was get the dope.
this has nothing to do with, how wonderful you are, how much you might have loved him....
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