Putting it out there and ducking
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Putting it out there and ducking
As you may know, my son graduates from the SA-ARC in a week. He is six months clean and sober. And.....you guessed it.....he has asked if he can come to stay with us for a while.
Does he have options? Yes. He could continue at the SA-ARC but he has stated that he really doesn't want to do that--won't do that. He is open to going into a sober living house and is willing to go that direction but may need a few days (or week or two) to make the arrangements and is asking if he can do so while staying with us.
I'm hesitant. It would be the ultimate test of my own recovery to have him stay here for a while and continue to manage my own recovery and keep my nose out of his recovery.
I haven't given him a definative answer and I'm praying like crazy....lol. But wanted to stay honest in what is going on with me. Regardless of the responses I get here, I will (jointly with my DH) make a decision and I will own it.
Ducking now.........
gentle hugs
ke
PS- I am particularly interested in hearing from the double winners.
Does he have options? Yes. He could continue at the SA-ARC but he has stated that he really doesn't want to do that--won't do that. He is open to going into a sober living house and is willing to go that direction but may need a few days (or week or two) to make the arrangements and is asking if he can do so while staying with us.
I'm hesitant. It would be the ultimate test of my own recovery to have him stay here for a while and continue to manage my own recovery and keep my nose out of his recovery.
I haven't given him a definative answer and I'm praying like crazy....lol. But wanted to stay honest in what is going on with me. Regardless of the responses I get here, I will (jointly with my DH) make a decision and I will own it.
Ducking now.........
gentle hugs
ke
PS- I am particularly interested in hearing from the double winners.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hmmmm - the part where you said this would be the ultimate TEST of your recovery concerns me a bit.....not sure this is the best situation to try and PROVE anything?
he's your son, you want to help, I get that. but is going BACK to the parents abode the best help? is it his first choice just out of convenience? are you willing to circle a MOVE OUT date on the calendar and stick to it? does he have a job waiting, need money, have a solid treatment plan? and do you really want to change the current dynamic of your home....AGAIN? can you say NO and be ok with that?
that's a lot to ponder and if I recall you two have only been in contact again recently? and now with a week to go he's asking to come home? if I have that wrong, please forgive me!
he's your son, you want to help, I get that. but is going BACK to the parents abode the best help? is it his first choice just out of convenience? are you willing to circle a MOVE OUT date on the calendar and stick to it? does he have a job waiting, need money, have a solid treatment plan? and do you really want to change the current dynamic of your home....AGAIN? can you say NO and be ok with that?
that's a lot to ponder and if I recall you two have only been in contact again recently? and now with a week to go he's asking to come home? if I have that wrong, please forgive me!
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I say trust your gut.
I highly advise a sober living house .... it was something crucial to my recovery. Check out Oxford House (oxfordhouse.org). There are lots of houses in Washington State, assuming that's where he is. (Link: Oxford House)
Don't depend on the vacancy list that shows up online, it's not kept up to date very well. If a house has an opening there will be an interview and a decision made that day. It's quick.
Seriously saved my life.
But again ..... trust your gut. And about him not wanting to continue where he is .... doesn't want to, won't do it .... sounds a little like manipulation to me, may be. If he has to I bet her will. Just sayin'.
I highly advise a sober living house .... it was something crucial to my recovery. Check out Oxford House (oxfordhouse.org). There are lots of houses in Washington State, assuming that's where he is. (Link: Oxford House)
Don't depend on the vacancy list that shows up online, it's not kept up to date very well. If a house has an opening there will be an interview and a decision made that day. It's quick.
Seriously saved my life.
But again ..... trust your gut. And about him not wanting to continue where he is .... doesn't want to, won't do it .... sounds a little like manipulation to me, may be. If he has to I bet her will. Just sayin'.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Say again why he just doesn't want to stay where he is for another week or two until the sober house gets lined up? He just "doesn't want to"? "Won't" do it? Hmm
Saying no won't hurt him.
I don't "test" my recovery. My recovery is #1 always.
Just my experience having been the child getting out of rehab and asking my folks to let me move in "for a bit" (lol). Them saying yes actually hurt me in the long run.
Hugs
Saying no won't hurt him.
I don't "test" my recovery. My recovery is #1 always.
Just my experience having been the child getting out of rehab and asking my folks to let me move in "for a bit" (lol). Them saying yes actually hurt me in the long run.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Let me make sure I understand.
He's been at the SA-ARC for this long, and they're available for him to continue staying there for the week following his recovery for him to find a sober living house, but he won't stay there for that additional week (or even a couple of days) because he doesn't want to?
I mean, what's one more week?
He's been at the SA-ARC for this long, and they're available for him to continue staying there for the week following his recovery for him to find a sober living house, but he won't stay there for that additional week (or even a couple of days) because he doesn't want to?
I mean, what's one more week?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thank you both so much for your replies.
AnvilheadII - as always....you pose some great questions. I think the questions are so good that they deserve some very deep thought on my part. So I'll do what I do when working the Steps (myself and with sponsees) I'll write the questions out on a tablet and write out my answers..... As far as the recent contact goes....we've been in contact all along but during active addiction, I would limit contact and go for long periods of no contact. Since he has been in SA, we have had contact and it has all been good--very positive. But.....the questions are extremely valid and I owe it to myself to ponder them deeply (and perhaps confer with my sponsor! lol) Thanks again.....you're awesome.
As far as "testing my own recovery" goes.....that is tested daily in all aspects of my life. lol I welcome the tests. They are my daily reminders of where I am and how far I need to go. This situation is no exception. Yesterday was a good example. I actually yelled at my dog to "shut the *f* up". She's deaf....been that way since birth.....she has no clue how loud she can be...... Shouting at a deaf dog said a lot more about me than it did about her. lol
PaperDolls - He is very open to Oxford Housing and there are many houses available throughout our area. Thank you for sharing your experience. As far as my gut goes.......my gut says......he's committed to his own recovery because there's absolutely no way that he would have stayed with the SA program through completion without that commitment. He has watched many many many men come and go through those doors in six months who were either kicked out or left because they just weren't committed. It's a pretty huge accomplishment for anyone to stay in that program. It is very humbling and they are tough on the guys--they don't put up with any BS or gaming. And you're right....."the doesn't want to" were his words. The "won't do it" were MINE! Perhaps MY manipulation? hmmmmmm...........something else to ponder.
Thanks......more food for thought.......my prayer this morning was asking for God's guidance but asking for him to understand that I need a CLUEx4 to hit me upside the head. Waiting for God's cluex4.......
gentle hugs
ke
As always......time will reveal more.
AnvilheadII - as always....you pose some great questions. I think the questions are so good that they deserve some very deep thought on my part. So I'll do what I do when working the Steps (myself and with sponsees) I'll write the questions out on a tablet and write out my answers..... As far as the recent contact goes....we've been in contact all along but during active addiction, I would limit contact and go for long periods of no contact. Since he has been in SA, we have had contact and it has all been good--very positive. But.....the questions are extremely valid and I owe it to myself to ponder them deeply (and perhaps confer with my sponsor! lol) Thanks again.....you're awesome.
As far as "testing my own recovery" goes.....that is tested daily in all aspects of my life. lol I welcome the tests. They are my daily reminders of where I am and how far I need to go. This situation is no exception. Yesterday was a good example. I actually yelled at my dog to "shut the *f* up". She's deaf....been that way since birth.....she has no clue how loud she can be...... Shouting at a deaf dog said a lot more about me than it did about her. lol
PaperDolls - He is very open to Oxford Housing and there are many houses available throughout our area. Thank you for sharing your experience. As far as my gut goes.......my gut says......he's committed to his own recovery because there's absolutely no way that he would have stayed with the SA program through completion without that commitment. He has watched many many many men come and go through those doors in six months who were either kicked out or left because they just weren't committed. It's a pretty huge accomplishment for anyone to stay in that program. It is very humbling and they are tough on the guys--they don't put up with any BS or gaming. And you're right....."the doesn't want to" were his words. The "won't do it" were MINE! Perhaps MY manipulation? hmmmmmm...........something else to ponder.
Thanks......more food for thought.......my prayer this morning was asking for God's guidance but asking for him to understand that I need a CLUEx4 to hit me upside the head. Waiting for God's cluex4.......
gentle hugs
ke
As always......time will reveal more.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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mfanch & interrupted
More great input....thank you. Purposely "testing" my recovery? hmmmmm.....yeah that seems a little out of whack doesn't it? Now that I've heard it from you and
AnvilheadII........thank you.
And as I said above the "won't do it" was my interpretation of his "I don't want to do it". Like a good codie, I can jump to a conclusion quicker than you can blink an eye. Character defect......that I need some assistance with removing.
This courage stuff is hard.
I've also put out a request for feedback from a couple of dear friends (one who is five years clean from a heroin addiction and another friend 27 years clean from a heroin addiction). I'll listen carefully to both of them as well.
No matter what happens....whether he stays at the SA or stays with us while he locates a sober living house.....I have become (because I have allowed myself to become) a part of that decision process. And ultimately, no matter what happens, I do own my part in it and I'm ok with that.
gentle hugs
ke
More great input....thank you. Purposely "testing" my recovery? hmmmmm.....yeah that seems a little out of whack doesn't it? Now that I've heard it from you and
AnvilheadII........thank you.
And as I said above the "won't do it" was my interpretation of his "I don't want to do it". Like a good codie, I can jump to a conclusion quicker than you can blink an eye. Character defect......that I need some assistance with removing.
This courage stuff is hard.
I've also put out a request for feedback from a couple of dear friends (one who is five years clean from a heroin addiction and another friend 27 years clean from a heroin addiction). I'll listen carefully to both of them as well.
No matter what happens....whether he stays at the SA or stays with us while he locates a sober living house.....I have become (because I have allowed myself to become) a part of that decision process. And ultimately, no matter what happens, I do own my part in it and I'm ok with that.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
THIS is what is so awesome about SR. It demonstrates how someone with a good bit of recover under her belt can vacillate. It demonstrates having the courage to reach out for help when that happens. And it demonstrates the honesty, love and concern of the people who take the time to reply.
I love all of you. Thank you.
gentle hugs
ke
I love all of you. Thank you.
gentle hugs
ke
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I think he should stay where he is for the extra week or whatever to get into sober living. He probably doesn't care what my opinion is. LOL!
If you, or he, would like any more info on Oxford living, why it's great and why it sucks, I'm happy to talk with either of you.
If you, or he, would like any more info on Oxford living, why it's great and why it sucks, I'm happy to talk with either of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
KE, I think you knows story with my 23 RAS. He went to rehab in January 2012 came out the end of February. So there for 60 days and then back home. I thought I could handle having him back in the house. He was 60 days clean so everything would be ok. But it wasn't for him or me. I was a nervous wreck the whole time. And for him, things fell apart until he went back to another rehab 30 days later. The difference was when he got out in May 2012 he went straight to a sobe house. I couldn't provide the support, comradarie and structure he needed. I posted many times how I believe it was the guys in his sober house who really helped him to stay on the path to recovery. He just moved out of the SLE after 11 months but lives close by to them. He marked his one year anniversary last month. I wish you all the best in making this very important decision. Your son and your family will be in my prayers!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
When my son entered his last rehab, we told him he could not come home until he'd been sober a year. He wound up relapsing once, and picking himself and starting over. This Saturday, he will hit his one year. Two months ago, he asked us if he could move home at the beginning of June, after school was over.
We took our time thinking about it, and finally said that he could...but I was really worried about how it would work. After we told him he could, he spent time talking to his sponsor and others in his sober network, and decided it would be better for him to stay where he was (which is about 2 hours away from us).
I say to trust your gut...can't he do the work to line up the Oxford House placement before he leaves the SA program? 6 months is still VERY early in recovery and he needs to surround himself with solid sober supports...especially in the first days back out in the world.
We took our time thinking about it, and finally said that he could...but I was really worried about how it would work. After we told him he could, he spent time talking to his sponsor and others in his sober network, and decided it would be better for him to stay where he was (which is about 2 hours away from us).
I say to trust your gut...can't he do the work to line up the Oxford House placement before he leaves the SA program? 6 months is still VERY early in recovery and he needs to surround himself with solid sober supports...especially in the first days back out in the world.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I actually yelled at my dog to "shut the *f* up". She's deaf....been that way since birth.....she has no clue how loud she can be...... Shouting at a deaf dog said a lot more about me than it did about her. lol
Now for the mama to mama talk...your son has options. He seems to be making good decisions as he chose to stay until the end of his program. And he is looking for a sober living place when he gets out....follow me here, I am going somewhere.
If you could choose right out of the blue, what would you choose that would be right for YOU? Forget him and his choices and think about what YOU would be most comfortable doing...and then do it.
You get to decide what is healthy for you and your husband. When you choose what you honestly feel is healthy and right for YOU, there are no wrong decisions.
Bet you thought I was going to tell you what to do, didn't you? Nope, but I am telling you to be honest with yourself and do what you feel is the healthiest thing for you. Your son will be okay either way.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
kindeyes, I have no doubt that whatever you decide, you'll come out the other side ok. I don't see this as much about "testing" your recovery, as USING it to your advantage!!! no matter WHO comes into your home, they bring STUFF - when Renee moved back from LA about 8 years ago, she stayed with us...supposedly for a "few" months....at first I was in heaven, I had my "baby" back and hank noted that we both regressed...then that phase passed, and when it got to SEVEN months, I was like ok, don't you have somewhere to GO? it was no longer fitting for her to be living her mom....
we had a buddy of ours come stay with us for a "few" months...so he could get re-established after a break up and some (ahem) jail time (nothing serious) - again at SEVEN months we were like, dude, you gotta go!
there was much friction at the end of both the above...my daughter went so far one day while cooking food in MY kitchen where she had stayed for 7 months expense free that I had <quote> never done ANYTHING for her <end quote>. and our buddy J acted like we just ran over his dog when we asked him to leave.
we all survived.
what I now know is the importance of the move out date. otherwise it's two seasons later.......
we had a buddy of ours come stay with us for a "few" months...so he could get re-established after a break up and some (ahem) jail time (nothing serious) - again at SEVEN months we were like, dude, you gotta go!
there was much friction at the end of both the above...my daughter went so far one day while cooking food in MY kitchen where she had stayed for 7 months expense free that I had <quote> never done ANYTHING for her <end quote>. and our buddy J acted like we just ran over his dog when we asked him to leave.
we all survived.
what I now know is the importance of the move out date. otherwise it's two seasons later.......
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
kindaeyes, I'm a "double winner" & also spent time at a Salvation Army rehab program. I don't know if you should let him come home or not. However, I will say that 6months is a long time to be living there. I moved out at 9 months I think & I was absolutely sick and tired of the place. I was tired of the "horsing around" some of the guys did. I'm sure he has seen many guys get kicked out already. Having to get a breathaylzer every time you enter the building gets tiring after a while. Maybe he can go to a "sober living" type house that offers a bit more freedom?? He should do a lot of research though as halfway house type of places vary widely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You guys are so awesome. Thank you all for your thoughts and input--it helps more than you know.
God did answer my prayer. As I mentioned, I reached out to some friends (who happen to be recovering addicts). One of them called me this afternoon and we had a great chat. He helped me so much.....he pointed out some critical issues. My house is in the boondocks...it's not close to anything. He mentioned that isolating is detrimental to anyone's recovery. He suggested that I ask my son for his plan....a written recovery plan. My son does have an offer to live with a good friend (in recovery....good guy) who lives on a bus line.
So....I think it's ok for our son to come to our house for a few days and then I think he'll take his friend up on the offer to stay with him in that sober environment. He will be welcome to come visit and stay for a day or two whenever he chooses (as long as he continues his recovery plan).
Justfor1--thank you for the insight into living at the SA. He's had a great attitude about it but I can tell from his voice that he is becoming weary of living there. I respect the fact that he has stuck it out through graduation......so many are unable to do so. It takes a lot of strength, courage, and perseverance to make it through the whole program.
AnvilheadII--I think that's a much better way to express my thoughts on this matter....I want to USE my recovery tools....not really test my recovery.
Thanks again everyone. Feeling good tonight.....one day at a time......right?
gentle hugs
ke
God did answer my prayer. As I mentioned, I reached out to some friends (who happen to be recovering addicts). One of them called me this afternoon and we had a great chat. He helped me so much.....he pointed out some critical issues. My house is in the boondocks...it's not close to anything. He mentioned that isolating is detrimental to anyone's recovery. He suggested that I ask my son for his plan....a written recovery plan. My son does have an offer to live with a good friend (in recovery....good guy) who lives on a bus line.
So....I think it's ok for our son to come to our house for a few days and then I think he'll take his friend up on the offer to stay with him in that sober environment. He will be welcome to come visit and stay for a day or two whenever he chooses (as long as he continues his recovery plan).
Justfor1--thank you for the insight into living at the SA. He's had a great attitude about it but I can tell from his voice that he is becoming weary of living there. I respect the fact that he has stuck it out through graduation......so many are unable to do so. It takes a lot of strength, courage, and perseverance to make it through the whole program.
AnvilheadII--I think that's a much better way to express my thoughts on this matter....I want to USE my recovery tools....not really test my recovery.
Thanks again everyone. Feeling good tonight.....one day at a time......right?
gentle hugs
ke
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