RePost: What Addicts Do---this is deep...
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RePost: What Addicts Do---this is deep...
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
I had to repost this because it is just so deep.
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My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
I had to repost this because it is just so deep.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
This is Deeper
What Codependents Do
My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.
My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.
And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.
My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.
And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 47
@What Co Dependents Do.......
You got that right...................
Originally Posted by cynical one 
What Codependents Do
My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.
My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.
And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.
My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.
And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by cynical one
What Codependents Do
My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.
My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.
And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.
My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.
And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
When I started hearing the word 'codependant' years ago I wasn't sure I understood or believed what it meant. Even Dr. Phil has said he doesn't believe people are codependant.
When I was finally fed up with my 34yo going on 2yo immature, selfish, support me till the day one of us dies, AS I started really paying attention and reading about codependence and enabling.
YES I BELIEVE!
Once I was aware of what I was doing and made an effort to change my behavior it has impacted other areas of my life.
I no longer feel like I have to solve other people's problems, I can listen without offering advise, and I find it easier to say no, I am more honest with myself and others.
It is amazing how we let other people treat us because we feel we must be 'nice' at all times. Enablers (me) are people pleasers that allow themselves (me) to be used as door mats.
Realising, and trying to control, my enabling has given me more confidence in myself and I am much happier. I am worth the effort for me to have a good life!
When I was finally fed up with my 34yo going on 2yo immature, selfish, support me till the day one of us dies, AS I started really paying attention and reading about codependence and enabling.
YES I BELIEVE!
Once I was aware of what I was doing and made an effort to change my behavior it has impacted other areas of my life.
I no longer feel like I have to solve other people's problems, I can listen without offering advise, and I find it easier to say no, I am more honest with myself and others.
It is amazing how we let other people treat us because we feel we must be 'nice' at all times. Enablers (me) are people pleasers that allow themselves (me) to be used as door mats.
Realising, and trying to control, my enabling has given me more confidence in myself and I am much happier. I am worth the effort for me to have a good life!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Glad this has been revived.
This is how addiction manifests itself in Jon. While the behavior may be similar, this does not accurately describe me.
If we were completely powerless then stopping enabling would be fruitless. We can change the addicts behavior by changing how we interact with them.
This was not true for me, nor was it true for those men whose 5th step I've listened to. When I was jonesing for a fix, this was absolutely true - but after I got one; after the dope sick moment had passed, all I thought about was what a piece of sh*t I was for caving again. You know, kind of like a codie feels when they break no contact after they swore to themselves that they wouldn't this time. Every addict I worked with has described the same self loathing that crept in after the beast had been temporarily silenced.
I get it - this is a nice, neat, oversimplified and easily digested piece of work, but reality is simply more complicated than this. Lizard brain is incapable of love and demands feeding the addiction - prefrontal cortex is capable of love, shame, guilt, etc. During withdrawal - lizard brain kicks in. In the lull between using and withdrawal - shame, guilt, self loathing, etc., kicks in. There is nothing to feel shame or guilt over if we hurt someone we don't care about. Shame, guilt and self-loathing occur precisely because we love.
Same as above. I will feed the beast at your expense - and mine as well, but to say that it doesn't faze me is simply untrue. All the self-hatred comes from somewhere....this is it.
Agreed.
This is a choice - not the addicts choice, but ours. If I consider myself a victim, then yeah I'll be hurt again and again. If I understand it for what it is, then the addicts behavior is no more hurtful than my grandmother's alzheimers when she screams at me and tells me to get out of her room because she doesn't know who I am. It's sad to witness but it isn't personal.
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do.
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do.
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59
You cannot nor will not change my behavior.
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59
You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them.
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59
You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
This is not about trying to change someone else's mind or to prove anyone wrong. This is about finding peace for and within myself, in whichever works for each of us. I know I started the road to a more peaceful mind by reading What Addicts Do and all the other pieces of wisdom offered on this forum, including what co-dependency looks like.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by helpme33
When I started hearing the word 'codependant' years ago I wasn't sure I understood or believed what it meant. Even Dr. Phil has said he doesn't believe people are codependant.
When I was finally fed up with my 34yo going on 2yo immature, selfish, support me till the day one of us dies, AS I started really paying attention and reading about codependence and enabling.
YES I BELIEVE!
Once I was aware of what I was doing and made an effort to change my behavior it has impacted other areas of my life.
I no longer feel like I have to solve other people's problems, I can listen without offering advise, and I find it easier to say no, I am more honest with myself and others.
It is amazing how we let other people treat us because we feel we must be 'nice' at all times. Enablers (me) are people pleasers that allow themselves (me) to be used as door mats.
Realising, and trying to control, my enabling has given me more confidence in myself and I am much happier. I am worth the effort for me to have a good life!
When I was finally fed up with my 34yo going on 2yo immature, selfish, support me till the day one of us dies, AS I started really paying attention and reading about codependence and enabling.
YES I BELIEVE!
Once I was aware of what I was doing and made an effort to change my behavior it has impacted other areas of my life.
I no longer feel like I have to solve other people's problems, I can listen without offering advise, and I find it easier to say no, I am more honest with myself and others.
It is amazing how we let other people treat us because we feel we must be 'nice' at all times. Enablers (me) are people pleasers that allow themselves (me) to be used as door mats.
Realising, and trying to control, my enabling has given me more confidence in myself and I am much happier. I am worth the effort for me to have a good life!
So funny, in my first appointment with my therapist, I mentioned that I thought I 'might be' codependent (haha!!), and he said, "Ya know, I don't like the word 'codependent.' I think it's more appropriate to use the word 'doormat'." And I was like, WOW!!
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