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Of course the check never came

Old 05-20-2013, 03:52 AM
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Of course the check never came

Well you all called it a few weeks ago. If you remember the exABF of 3 years said he would mail a check for $800 he owes me that next day. He lives half an hour away. Still never came. I'm not shocked. I came home from a week long work trip and nothing was in the mail.

I should have just listened to you all and just wrote it off. I didn't. I sent a text Saturday just simply saying "i expected to see the money you owed me and it still isn't here. are you planning on paying me back?" Left it short and sweet. OF course, no response at all. Yesterday I lost it. I'm not proud of myself for getting so angry and losing control but all I did was sit back and think of all the crap that's gone down, the ignoring his responsibilites to pay people back money he owes, etc and I LOST IT!

I sent a huge slew of texts that were horrible. I called him out on what a piece of cr--p he is for taking money from a woman, a single mom at that, and not paying me back, on what a punk he is, that he's no man - just a punk who's mommy and daddy pays all his bills yet he still has no money because apparently spending money on drugs is more important than paying me back, that hopefully the pills are keeping his sick mind even, etc.

I must have sent 15 horrible text messages. I snapped. I'm not proud of myself. Yes, I lost control but damn I can't stand him. I really really felt so much anger and felt this whole situation was just so unjust that I lost it. Totally. I can't stand him. I really can't. I don't ever want to see him. I don't ever want to talk to him. I could care less what happens to him or if he is sober, high or just an as--hole. I just wanted my money back.

I don't feel any better now that I did that. The fact that he could ignore this is just proof he has ZERO revovery, that he's probably still sitting there being the same high, selfish person I left a month ago. Why is it that I think because I did the right thing and returned all of his important things to him as soon as possible that he would have the same moral compass I do?

I am just so angry right now. I put the blocks back on the text messages. I've never been to Naranon. All the meetings are always in the evenings when I have my daughter. Any advice on how I can connect with someone I can talk to? I really am ready. I need this so that I can get help getting over all this anger. I read somewhere that there's a hotline? Is this true and a way to find a sponsor?

Sorry for the rant. I'm just in a place of hurt and anger all over again.
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:37 AM
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Well dear, you can let this eat you alive and keep your stomach in knots, or you can accept that expecting responsibility from an active addict just isn't possible and let it go, take the lesson and write off the loss.

There are meetings of Al-anon at different times through the day, many have facilities for children...you might just want to look a little deeper into this because I have a feeling that meetings will help you find your balance again.

"He" isn't likely to repay you, so it's up to you how long you want to let this drive you crazy. My heart goes out to you because my son stole money I needed too and it really annoyed me as well.

Hugs
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:43 AM
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Hi madison, I'd have the same reaction too. I find freeloaders and scammers unbearable, because they take what we have worked hard for.
You'll never get your money of course, but at least he knows what you think of him.
Now having got that off your chest, you can move on and I wish you well with that.
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:53 AM
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To an Addict Money=Drugs

Let it go, he is out of your life, keep it that way.
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Old 05-20-2013, 07:53 AM
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Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post
Well you all called it a few weeks ago. If you remember the exABF of 3 years said he would mail a check for $800 he owes me that next day. He lives half an hour away. Still never came. I'm not shocked. I came home from a week long work trip and nothing was in the mail.

I should have just listened to you all and just wrote it off. I didn't. I sent a text Saturday just simply saying "i expected to see the money you owed me and it still isn't here. are you planning on paying me back?" Left it short and sweet. OF course, no response at all. Yesterday I lost it. I'm not proud of myself for getting so angry and losing control but all I did was sit back and think of all the crap that's gone down, the ignoring his responsibilites to pay people back money he owes, etc and I LOST IT!

I sent a huge slew of texts that were horrible. I called him out on what a piece of cr--p he is for taking money from a woman, a single mom at that, and not paying me back, on what a punk he is, that he's no man - just a punk who's mommy and daddy pays all his bills yet he still has no money because apparently spending money on drugs is more important than paying me back, that hopefully the pills are keeping his sick mind even, etc.

I must have sent 15 horrible text messages. I snapped. I'm not proud of myself. Yes, I lost control but damn I can't stand him. I really really felt so much anger and felt this whole situation was just so unjust that I lost it. Totally. I can't stand him. I really can't. I don't ever want to see him. I don't ever want to talk to him. I could care less what happens to him or if he is sober, high or just an as--hole. I just wanted my money back.

I don't feel any better now that I did that. The fact that he could ignore this is just proof he has ZERO revovery, that he's probably still sitting there being the same high, selfish person I left a month ago. Why is it that I think because I did the right thing and returned all of his important things to him as soon as possible that he would have the same moral compass I do?

I am just so angry right now. I put the blocks back on the text messages. I've never been to Naranon. All the meetings are always in the evenings when I have my daughter. Any advice on how I can connect with someone I can talk to? I really am ready. I need this so that I can get help getting over all this anger. I read somewhere that there's a hotline? Is this true and a way to find a sponsor?

Sorry for the rant. I'm just in a place of hurt and anger all over again.
My hope for you going forward is that the events of this past weekend serve as a bookend. At this moment, you know everything you need to know about him. So your choices are pretty clear: take engaged with a sick person and have your expectations of him go unfulfilled, or break free and begin the healing process.

It's pretty clear, Madison.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 05-20-2013, 09:57 AM
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If this is what it took to finally make that last emotional connection to him snap, then I am glad, madison, that this final betrayal will keep you in reality and away from him for good. Sometimes we require one final shock to completely cut the cord of attachment.

It is futile to expect an addict to have integrity in any area of life. Again and again partners and family members are shocked when the addict steals money or cheats sexually or doesn't show up at a child's birthday party or cleans out the checking account.

We must have zero expectations of an addict to meet any moral code. As the sticky written by Jon advises us: Stop being surprised.

Lectures, reprimands, get-even tactics, and volumes of rage from us will not change the addict's course. It simply wears us out, leaves us ashamed by or shocked by our own behavior. I remember how out of control I became when I was married to a late-stage alcoholic many years ago. I was overtaken with volatile and irrational and dangerous emotions. And as a young mother, I simply could not remain that sick. So I went to Al-Anon and to counseling.

You've been terribly mistreated by this individual. I think you would do well to see the $800 as a message from your higher power: this is the "cost" for ultimate emotional freedom and another layer of sanity. In the grand scheme of life, considering all the costs which could have been more deadly, I think this one you will be able to be grateful for in time.

You have done a lot of hard work, madison, and I commend you for continuing to recover from this dark relationship. You were manipulated and betrayed again and again. But you continued to reach out to people in recovery and you finally seem to have freed yourself from the entanglement with a very dangerous and damaged individual. It is a tremendous blessing for your child. I hope you will continue your efforts to remain awake and aware, and to always have compassion for yourself. Only those of us who have lived it know how low we can go in relationship with an addict. It is solely up to us to choose a better way.
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Old 05-20-2013, 10:43 AM
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Pray for him....your probably thinking yea right....but when I got sober, my husband at the time did some pretty crappy things and we divorced. There was sooo much anger there........I prayed for him and for God to change ME...not him. It happened...and we are very close buddys even though divorced. Dont let him have all that power over you girl!
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Old 05-20-2013, 10:48 AM
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I think the worse is when we put our all into someone else and they end up NOT putting squat into us. Everybody has to learn life lessons on their own, see it and feel it for themselves. So you did what you had to by asking him for the money and he did what was really kind of expected…….but a little part of you thought he would actually show you some respect by repaying you. If he had repaid you, you could then convenience yourself that he cared enough about you to do that. That there was still some kind of re-deeming quality left in him.

The hurt and pain and disappointment lies in knowing he didn’t care enough to pay you back. The anger is probably more self directed then actually at him. You might not be feeling this tornado of emotions today had you just let it go and written it off.

I think everything that happened needed to happen so you could finally let go. Now is the time to work through all these emotions you are feeling.

Al-anon would be a great place to start working on YOU. They have more meeting times then nar-anon. And keep posting here, vent away……it’s not like any of us haven’t been where you are.

((hugs))
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Old 05-20-2013, 01:12 PM
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I think atalose is hinting at something important: the possibility that you latched onto the money as a means to keep the door open to your boyfriend's "redemption" -- think hard about what your reaction might have been if that check had arrived on time, no hassle involved. Is it possible that you were keeping the possibility alive in your heart and mind for him to come right back into your life someday?

Almost six weeks ago my ex-partner stole from me for the last time. At that moment, I understood that the only option left for me was to close my life to him, completely. It was an immediate, decisive move for me, and in the ensuing weeks I haven't caved like all the previous times... However, that first night, he called and left a voicemail (my phone was off, on purpose) which was transcribed into a text message – since it was the first night, my emotions were raw and I read the message that time. He said that he was sorry, and that he wanted to give me back the things that he took.

Thankfully, my 2 1/2 years in Nar-Anon, 10 months or so in personal therapy, and an almost equal amount of time visiting SR had prepared me for that, because, in the past, I would have dosed myself with the addictive pleasure of welcoming him back, talking all night about how he must change and treat me better, and plans for his next steps in recovery. BULLSH!T -- I took one look at that message and said to myself, "He couldn't find anyone to buy my sonic toothbrush and my beard trimmer and he's just lost in the streets with no place to stay. If I respond to this, I will be starting the whole cycle of abuse over again and the ONLY one to blame for my suffering will be myself."

I simply erased the message -- the next day I bought a disposable razor and a regular, old-style toothbrush... the following weeks weren't easy for me, but with each new day I feel more like myself, and I'm a pretty wonderful person.
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Old 05-20-2013, 01:58 PM
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I think everything that happened needed to happen so you could finally let go. Now is the time to work through all these emotions you are feeling.
Nicely put.
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Old 05-20-2013, 02:13 PM
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Once again - you guys are all such a blessing.

Englishgarden - your post almost brought a tear to my eye becasue I remember you giving me advice in the past when I was in a much worse place.

Atalose - every word you said is so fitting. I gave this jerk so many chances and it sickens me that he would do this. I know - the "why are you surprised" message hits home.

MiSoberbio - I understand what you are saying. I've taken him back so many times, but honestly that is NOT what this is about this time. The last several weeks, I've realized how repulsed I am by him as a human being. I'm just repulsed. I'm not longing for him. I'm not attracted to him. The thought of his face actually disgusts me. That's how far he pushed me this time. This has NOTHING to do with wanting him back.

Am I feeling many emotions about my decisions to allow him to come back so many times and put up with all the stuff I did? Yes. Am I embarassed at some of my reactions over the years? Yes. But NEVER enough to take him back. If he came to me a year from now and said he had been clean I would never believe him. Actually, he could tell me he just had dinner with his family and I wouldn't believe that. That is how much this person lies. Lies about stupid things that don't even matter and have nothing to do with drugs.
He's mentally ill underneath all of this addiction. That I know. But I'm NOWHERE near forgiving him. I could care less for him and what happens to him at this point and that's not usually the kind of person I am. I am just 100% disgusted with him as a human being.

This was about him paying me back money he owed me. Period. I accept I will never see it. If I ever do, I want no letter from him. I want no apology. I want nothing but a check. Because to be honest with you all I would do with the letter is burn it in my fire pit as soon as I could. It would mean nothing to me.

Thank you. Your posts have helped me somewhat regain composure again today.
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:07 PM
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Don't be too hard on yourself.

In the beginning of my journey with my addict I did the same thing you did. Expected, contacted, reacted. It is hard not to react to such disappointment and betrayal. You are allowed to be angry. Each time you learn and grow from it.

I can't tell you how many times my xah promised me something and never followed through.

The hardest thing to realize, is that when you are dealing with an addict you are not dealing with a rational, mature, logical, responsible, loyal person. There really is no relationship you can have with an addict. I believe no contact if you can is just best.
It's not worth the pain.

Many blessings!
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:34 PM
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He's mentally ill underneath all of this addiction. That I know. But I'm NOWHERE near forgiving him. I could care less for him and what happens to him at this point and that's not usually the kind of person I am. I am just 100% disgusted with him as a human being.
Oh, how I can relate to this...

The anger will dissipate. The disgust may not. But that's OK.
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:37 PM
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This kind of situation reminds me of the saying "Let go or get dragged."

There is no plus side to hanging on.

Reading this again just brought that phrase to mind. Glad you are finding some help here.

Hugs
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:39 PM
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Maybe he spent all of his money on a treatment program and is currently isolated from his phone as an inpatient.
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post

Actually, he could tell me he just had dinner with his family and I wouldn't believe that. That is how much this person lies. Lies about stupid things that don't even matter and have nothing to do with drugs.

.
this is the part that really spoke to me. when i got to this point, i realized there is a permanent problem that even sobriety couldn't solve...not just loss of trust, but confirmation over and over that he doesn't deserve it at all.
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Old 05-20-2013, 08:10 PM
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Madison, I don't blame you for being disgusted....for some reason in reading your initial post and then the responses you received I had a thought. You likely needed this lesson to detach completely guilt free. HE may have needed to hear your complete and utter anger. As Kindeyes says "things come wrapped in unique packaging sometimes" (or something close to that!!) At any rate...perhaps down the road someday you will receive a gift. A step 9 letter or phone call...with a check that doesn't bounce and possibly with interest. You never know. Free yourself from his dysfunction. Say a prayer and send him on his way. You deserve so much more.
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