Angelscry

This morning I go to wake up my recovering AH. We did not sleep in the same room cause my mom had a bipolar relapse and is living with us for a while. Anyway I walked into his room and I find him with his underpants around his ankles, I got so upset and reached for his pillow took his phone to see if he was looking at porn again and guess what he was. Now porn and Meth go together and so I lifted his pillows up found a meth pipe and a lighter. I started beating him, everything was going good I believed that he was sober. And now this. I'm feel so stupid and pathetic. He said its an old pipe and that he was not using what does he take me for. I lashed out at him I feel so ashamed of all the stuff I said the low point for me was when I started hitting him while yelling at him. What's wrong with me I am normally not a voilent person. I make empty promises like that I'd kick him out but I don't follow through on them. My mom is right I am creating problems for myself. I feel so devastated and weak I don't know where to go from here. He is working now and I hate to admit this but I am dependant on him for that extra money cause I cant cope with only my salary. I wish he would'nt have chosen now. I'm struggling with my mom haven't really slept well now that I'm taking care of her. I feel so exhausted like I can't deal with all of his sh;t. I don't think he will come home today. I hate what he is doing to us. He has help on tap so to speak and still he f#cks up. I am sorry for venting and for such a long post. I just needed to get this off my mind.

Tx
A

sevenofnine

I can relate. I also found myself wondering who I had become, when AHs relapse had me shouting, hitting, spitting... spitting! who does that?!? that isn't me! it was time to literally ignore HIS journey, leave it to him, and to focus on my own journey. Because I can't control him, but I can at least control whether or not I am always someone I'm proud of. The spitting had to go.
Maybe the only good thing about the incident was that I could see how I was also being unhelpful to my goal of his sobriety anyway. That regardless of whether he deserved it (he did!!), I don't have to stoop to that kind of abusive behaviour. It sure isn't love that brings out the spitting.
I hope you are able to find a way to cope with all the stress of a struggling parent and partner.
In terms of coping without the money--- probably living poor in a tent is better than living with money if you also have to live with this kind of instability.
HUGS!

wiscsober

I am sorry to hear this and wish the best for you. Right now, like you don't know,you are care-taking for two grown adults. Where is there time for you to just take care of your basic needs.

His addiction and recovery when it comes about is his responsibility. And so is your mother's.

When living with my alcoholic ex-wife I didn't have an identity and like you wrote I wondered where and when did I become this person, hateful, angry, suspicious, manipulative, etc.

It has been 30 years and how I can still relate intimately to others. For me the cycle didn't stop until very recently.

Seek help by calling your local Naranon hotline, maybe Alanon can help also. There are hundreds of women who would love to try to help over coffee and maybe getting to a meeting.

One very important things is: it's no longer a good time any time to keep secrets about what is going on with you, not talking about H or M. Secrets will keep us sick and isolated from those who can help us.

My best to you always and I hope you can find recovery for yourself!

wiscsober

And, one more thing...I don't think you are causing any problems to be responsible for...you are doing the best you can and living in the solution!!!

zoso77

Well, so long as you're dependent on him for money AND you don't establish healthy boundaries for yourself, then scenes like this will continue to play out.

And if you keep telling yourself that you're "pathetic and weak", then that's how you'll feel. You're doing yourself no favors with that.

ZoSo