Feeling like I am not doing a thing
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Feeling like I am not doing a thing
I haven't posted for awhile because I have been doing some "collecting of myself and my thoughts". I am sorted out somewhat but keep coming back to the same question- "What do I do now?" My son has been an abuser of alcohol and I think now pills since high school- he is now 31. He was here last weekend and honestly, he looks awful. I see fear in his eyes and anxiety. I have spent years trying different interventions, and yes- I know it's up to him. I fear he does not know how to help himself anymore and I'm not sure what I am suppoed to do. I feel like a spectator to a movie I want to change the channel. I know my faith isn't as strong as I profess- it's not providing the comfort that I should be feeling if I were a strong faithed person. I feel it's wrong just to sit by and wait- I fear he will die. Please, please anyone with advice- I am all ears. Thank you
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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compassionate detachment
I checked my posting wanting to see if I have gotten any respones. I looked at some past posting and came across compassionate detachment and it explained what I am trying to do with my son. It's difficult to not do anything- I am afraid for him.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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detachment isn't comfortable for me either. My son isn't an addict, he is autistic, but when I see him melt down in fear or watch him struggle in his mind it wrenches my heart.
I do what I can to love him, but there are things I cannot change, like what is wrong with his mind.
But there are things I can change, like my reaction to it.
I wish I knew what to say... I don't know what it is like having an addicted child, but I can offer you hugs.
I do what I can to love him, but there are things I cannot change, like what is wrong with his mind.
But there are things I can change, like my reaction to it.
I wish I knew what to say... I don't know what it is like having an addicted child, but I can offer you hugs.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((Trinidad)) - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codie (codependent) who had/still has many loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).
When I began recovery for my addiction, I also began it for my codependency. To be honest? I was lost. I didn't know what to do if I wasn't focused on someone else. I wanted to "help" but I took it to the extreme...I lost me in the process (and actually began the addiction as a way to deal with my inability to make a difference).
I clung to this forum as a life line. I tried what others had done to get through it. Some things worked, some didn't, but I made progress. Today? I still have my codie-relapses, but at least I recognize them faster and grab the tools that I've learned over the years to get back on track.
I know, without a doubt, that had it not been for this forum (and some al-anon) that I'd still be a mess, I'd still be wondering "who am I without _____?"
I don't have children, so I can't know what you're going through. I do have several loved ones who are active in addiction, though.
Being on both sides of the addiction fence, I can only tell you that I had to hit my bottom. I knew my family loved me, I knew they were more than willing to help me, but I wasn't ready until I was ready.
It took me from going from a highly certified RN, to losing that career to opiates, getting clean (but not in recovery) and discovering crack. Became a prostituting crackhead, in and out of jail....got out, got clean (still not in recovery), relapsing and then I was DONE.
I put my loved ones through hell. However, I've got over 6 years in recovery, and am considered "the responsible one" in my family.
I'm sorry for your pain and fear for your son, but he really is going to have to find his own way. The best thing my loved ones did for me was allow me to dig myself into a really deep hole, figure out ways to get out of it and support me when I was showing recovery by my actions.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
When I began recovery for my addiction, I also began it for my codependency. To be honest? I was lost. I didn't know what to do if I wasn't focused on someone else. I wanted to "help" but I took it to the extreme...I lost me in the process (and actually began the addiction as a way to deal with my inability to make a difference).
I clung to this forum as a life line. I tried what others had done to get through it. Some things worked, some didn't, but I made progress. Today? I still have my codie-relapses, but at least I recognize them faster and grab the tools that I've learned over the years to get back on track.
I know, without a doubt, that had it not been for this forum (and some al-anon) that I'd still be a mess, I'd still be wondering "who am I without _____?"
I don't have children, so I can't know what you're going through. I do have several loved ones who are active in addiction, though.
Being on both sides of the addiction fence, I can only tell you that I had to hit my bottom. I knew my family loved me, I knew they were more than willing to help me, but I wasn't ready until I was ready.
It took me from going from a highly certified RN, to losing that career to opiates, getting clean (but not in recovery) and discovering crack. Became a prostituting crackhead, in and out of jail....got out, got clean (still not in recovery), relapsing and then I was DONE.
I put my loved ones through hell. However, I've got over 6 years in recovery, and am considered "the responsible one" in my family.
I'm sorry for your pain and fear for your son, but he really is going to have to find his own way. The best thing my loved ones did for me was allow me to dig myself into a really deep hole, figure out ways to get out of it and support me when I was showing recovery by my actions.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Amy- Your message is powerful and my head knows that I have to let go and let god. I look at him and honestly, I fear he has no bottom and he has lost the ability to get out of this gigantic hole he has dug himelf into. He wa a heavy drinker but I think his liver is giving him issues but now he's gotten into bigger/better things. His bio-dad died of an overdose of some type of pills and so I fear this of him. He has gone through several rehabs but truly, never recovered (you mentioned that you did!). I leave messages on his phone telling him I love him- I don't think I am enabling or being codependent. I just can't be totally happy because I keep replaying the look on his face full of anxiety and fear. I feel like I should be doing something- anything- not just ignoring.
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Lily- I have worked in special education for 30 years and I have the greatest respect for the parents of my students. You are awesome for lack of better words. I have often thought that my son is handicapped because of his inabilities to put things together, be responsible for his actions, make progress... He is a very academically but not so much intellectually. Your analyses idoes run parallel and the heartache is so equal. Only, I guess mind wasn't from the start but I'm afraid of it being to the end. I guess I feel my son could make it better and we have gotten him plenty of resources through rehabs and counseling. I am having such a difficult time understanding how he can participate in his own demise. How can that happen to one of my children? How can I just sit by and let that happen?
It sounds so very dramatic and I apologize for being so self centered. I thank you for sharing about your son. I hope there are supports in place for your family and your son.
It sounds so very dramatic and I apologize for being so self centered. I thank you for sharing about your son. I hope there are supports in place for your family and your son.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
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Dear, there is NOTHING you can DO to save your precious son.
I used to have nightmares of my AH. He was drowning in a lake. I was on dry land. I'd reach in for him and grab him by the front of his shirt but as hard as I tried, I couldn't pull him out. I just kept watching him struggle to live. It was horrible. If we hold on tight enough, their addiction will pull us into that stormy lake as well.
I feel for you. It's hard to watch a spouse go through this but I can't imagine how difficult it is to watch your baby suffer, knowing there is nothing you can do to save him.
If we had the power to save our addicts, we wouldn't need to be here on these boards.
You can work on saving yourself. Prayers and hugs to you.
I used to have nightmares of my AH. He was drowning in a lake. I was on dry land. I'd reach in for him and grab him by the front of his shirt but as hard as I tried, I couldn't pull him out. I just kept watching him struggle to live. It was horrible. If we hold on tight enough, their addiction will pull us into that stormy lake as well.
I feel for you. It's hard to watch a spouse go through this but I can't imagine how difficult it is to watch your baby suffer, knowing there is nothing you can do to save him.
If we had the power to save our addicts, we wouldn't need to be here on these boards.
You can work on saving yourself. Prayers and hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. I am a recovered addict and a loved one of an addict and even though I know from first hand experience that the addict needs to find his or her way on his own, I still find it difficult not to try to intervene..to not shake them and tell them to listen to me because I was in their position and now in recovery. Sadly, there is honestly nothing we can do to help them except let them know that if they ever choose recovery we will support them. Just because we love them however doesn't mean we need to be a part of their demise.
I am 23 and sometimes I am paralyzed with fear that when I have children I will give them bad genes and they will be addicts also so I cannot even begin to understand your pain. Now that I am sober my family has opened up to me all the pain they experienced and the confusion since I was the first loved one they ever had to watch struggle with addiction. I know that I brought my mom to the brink because she always looks at me as if I am so precious and as if I am so special..almost like she is looking at someone she can't believe is there. It breaks my heart but thank god my family let me find my way and were there with the biggest open arms imaginable when I crawled myself back to reality.
Even when I was in the worst of my addiction I always knew my family loved me and that they would help me get sober. I don't want you to think that your son doesn't know that you love him or that he doesn't think that if he decided he was sick and tired of living this lifestyle that he doesn't know he could come to you and ask for help. He just isn't ready and unfortunately we are family members need to accept that and all we can do is pray that he hits his bottom and decides he is worth so much more than this.
Be easy on yourself, you aren't sitting back doing nothing because of lack of effort or love or dedication, you are doing nothing because there is nothing for you to do. You are doing nothing because doing anything else would be preventing your son from reaching his bottom and hopefully getting to a point where he can realize he wants something different from life. So while you might feel like you are just sitting by watching, really you are doing the only thing that you can do that will give him any chance of beating this at all.
I am 23 and sometimes I am paralyzed with fear that when I have children I will give them bad genes and they will be addicts also so I cannot even begin to understand your pain. Now that I am sober my family has opened up to me all the pain they experienced and the confusion since I was the first loved one they ever had to watch struggle with addiction. I know that I brought my mom to the brink because she always looks at me as if I am so precious and as if I am so special..almost like she is looking at someone she can't believe is there. It breaks my heart but thank god my family let me find my way and were there with the biggest open arms imaginable when I crawled myself back to reality.
Even when I was in the worst of my addiction I always knew my family loved me and that they would help me get sober. I don't want you to think that your son doesn't know that you love him or that he doesn't think that if he decided he was sick and tired of living this lifestyle that he doesn't know he could come to you and ask for help. He just isn't ready and unfortunately we are family members need to accept that and all we can do is pray that he hits his bottom and decides he is worth so much more than this.
Be easy on yourself, you aren't sitting back doing nothing because of lack of effort or love or dedication, you are doing nothing because there is nothing for you to do. You are doing nothing because doing anything else would be preventing your son from reaching his bottom and hopefully getting to a point where he can realize he wants something different from life. So while you might feel like you are just sitting by watching, really you are doing the only thing that you can do that will give him any chance of beating this at all.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Maylie- Your family and you are so fortunate to be reunited in health. Thank you for giving me hope- I really need to work on strengthening my faith. I am so fearful. I have spent a lifetime with my children making it better for them- like I mentioned, I am having the worst time trying to understand the strength of addiction. I am having an awful time doing nothing even though nothing might be something. My defination of doing nothing is what I do when I don't care- and oh, I care so very much. I also care not to get in the way of my sons recovery- even though I might sound really weak in my correspondences. My balance is very unbalanced- my hope and faith are rocky presently. Again Maylie- thank you for your time to talk with me, it does mean a lot and you have given me hope.
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Know that you are not alone and your posts helped, Trinidad...as well as the support posts here. You could be posting my story.
I am on my third child addicted to drugs...two are clean (and one is not in recovery) and the other is active with heroin. I finally did enough work and interventions and lost enough that I know there is nothing else to do. I love her so much.
I call myself faith depleted. Hang in there.
I am on my third child addicted to drugs...two are clean (and one is not in recovery) and the other is active with heroin. I finally did enough work and interventions and lost enough that I know there is nothing else to do. I love her so much.
I call myself faith depleted. Hang in there.
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