Faithlove

My kids and I have been in our apartment for about a month and a half now. Everything is going wonderfully. I am starting to see my 4-yr-old act out a bit towards me. I know he misses his dad and that breaks my heart.

Up until about a week ago, it was really hard. AH would call and text me a lot telling me how sad, sorry, desperate, etc. he was. He would try to see us everyday and I would agree since the court order says he can't see the kids unsupervised.

One Sunday, we were at AH's house, visiting, and it all turned into a huge mess!!!! I relapsed and looked at his text messages between him and a friend of his who goes to the clinic wiht him. They were talking about a woman and about AH meeting her at friend's house, etc. Of course, all the while my AH has been crying to me and telling me how much he misses me and loves me and doesn't know what he's going to do. So, all of my hopes came crashing down again. I felt the way I knew I never wanted to feel again. But, I did talk about it with him and he said it was a lady that was a friend of friend's that wanted to rent a house from AH. Although I believe him (and usually I don't), I realized it didn't matter. I was still allowing myself to be put in the position for him to hurt me and turn my world upside down. I decided to not have as much contact with him. And I didn't.

This is my problem: When I rarely talk to AH and don't see him, I'm fine. I really am. I really don't miss him. I don't even miss what could have been anymore. I'm not wishing it would have all turned out differently or hoping we will be together someday.

But, when I see him and spend even a little bit of time with him, I do miss him a little bit. But, that's really it. Just a little bit. I feel bad because here he is crying all the time because he's not with me (us) and I don't feel the same way. I'm afraid my heart has become so hard that I'm not going to give our marriage a chance at all.....even if AH does find true recovery. It breaks my heart because I did love him, with everything in me, at one time. But, I just never, ever, ever, want to go back to the life we lived. I don't want my boys to experience the constant chaos and fighting and mistrust and depression that filled our old home.

I just feel like I'm still in limbo and I guess time needs to pass. But, having our own home to live in and being able to do what we want without constant questions from AH is a much better place to be in limbo.

jerect

If at all possible try to go NC accept when it involves your kids... NC truly helped me get over my ex husband... I don't miss him and I don't even feel guilty for not missing him... Living with him was pure chaos.. My life and my home are much more peaceful now

Faithlove

Thank you for replying, Jerect. I'm trying to go longer and longer without seeing him. But, I guess I'm still holding on to him some because What If he changes?

interrupted

It doesn't matter if he changes if you're still feeling the feelings of chaos and uncertainty. And that's how you feel when you're around him. YOUR feelings are the important ingredient, how you feel when you're around him, what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter.

I don't really know if my sister would steal from me again, but I know that whenever she is in my house I am extremely uneasy and I can't think straight and I start regressing back to old habits and engaging in past routines, and that's not healthy for me. So it doesn't really matter yet if she is clean or not, I'm not yet ready to have her in my home.

I guess it's almost like *I'm* the one who isn't "clean" yet, and until I am, it doesn't matter at all whether she is or not. You know?

story74

I hear ya!

Sorry your little one mises his daddy. I know first hand how heart breaking that is.

I also understand dealing with supervised visits. It is VERY VERY emotional. No matter what anyone suggested otherwise, I had to be there at the supervised visits. I wanted to see my sons interaction with my xah and make sure all was well. I didn't trust anyone else with this.
I also didn't want state supervised. So, I chose to have the dreaded anxiety ridden supervised visits. Some visits were fine, but he was very angry. So, if I did one thing (like check to see where they were at the park) he would freak. Or, we were angry about something before meeting (that was in the beginning) THEN, he was MIA for 3 months. It was a nice relaxing break, but I have to admit I went through a depression thinking, "wow, he really did what I thought day 1 he was going to do...disapear." It was shocking, but not. Relaxing, but sad. So, he came back into our life again. I set boundries and made it difficult, but saw him supervised. I was really nice and so was he. Then, he beame selfish again and got mad at me for not enabling him, and became super angry. He lied to my son when I wasn't around, and then ended up throwing a tantrum and walking out of a supervised visit...because he doesn't know how to be a man, father or husband. Haven't see him since. This time I have some hard days....more because of seeing my son miss out on a father, but I just don't need the drama. I still am getting over the anxiety. Sometimes I just have to tell myself that I am safe, there is nothihg to stress about and just relax...because I am so use to feeling anxious for a year and a half. My son is doing really well. Just recently, we have both been able to talk about daddy. we have before, but this time it is different. He misses him and is now telling me. I feel this is another step in healingand accepting.

I would not be in this place without no contact. Thankfully it was the addicts choice! But, this might not be an option for you seeing as you have children,.

This being said, here are some suggestions:
1. Set up a schedule for supervised visits and keep to it. We had the same schedule for a year and half. Same place and same time. (Well, I had to change the place 1 time because the x started taking our son on walks in unsupervised areas just to spite me. Oh the joys of dealing with an immature addict.) Anyways, my x couldn't do this. We saw him maybe 1-2 times a month because he was on drugs and couldn't handle it. BUT the schedule (suggested by my lawyer) was SOOOOOO helpful. He got 1 night a week at a park. That was it. He would of gotten more if he would have just proven trust and respect.

2. Keep the supervised visits at a public place. (My x is not welcomed at my home. EVER!) While they played within eye sight, I worked, read, knitted. Although, after I found out he lied, if I ever have to see him again it will be at a fast food place for a dinner. Where I can hear all conversation.

3. Can someone do the visits for you? Again, I couldn't do this and understand if you can't.

Once you set up a schedule then there is no need to have any conctact from him. I even set it up that he had to confirm visitation by a certain time on that day, or forget it. I was REALLY strict with this, which of course he was angry about. In fact the one time he confirmed late, I told him no visit. He said please. I said fine. Then an hour later he cancelled. I realized then, there is no giving an inch. There is no being nice. Also, if he cancelled day of visit, I would not make up this visitiation day. All of these "rules" were laid out prior and stemmed from choas on his part. He agreed to these rules, but got so angry when I actually followed them! I also had phone calls on a schedule which he refused to adhere to, and I took that privledge away. I had to be VERY strict with him otherwise I would be on his crazy train. I was tired of him disappointing, hurting and doing whatever he wanted with no consequences. So, I had boundries. Strict boundries. He couldn't do it.

Hopefully your addict will get better. Your children deserve stability, and you deserve time to have calm and heal. I would always think about what was best for me and my son, and go from there. He lost all rights being so irresponsible and constantly hurtful. I had to protect us. Good luck!

jerect

I've had NC for almost 5 months now, he tried to break contact a few months ago by texting me a picture of him and his new girlfriend stating how happy he was that I was no longer in his life.. So you see, even after NC he hasn't changed but the important thing is, is that I'm changing :-)

AnvilheadII

What If he changes?


imagine if you will, you just met this guy an hour ago....and you already are thinking...well, I don't really care that much who he IS, but gosh if he'd just change <<insert list of change he must make to be acceptable here>> then he might be worth dating.

you either want him as he is, OR you want him to be somebody else. cuz right now THIS is what he has to offer. not what he MIGHT be like later. we live in the NOW....we make our plans and decisions about our life in the NOW....we don't bank on the powerball ticket in our purse, nor should we bank on what we think somebody else might be like IF they follow our preset notion of changes and the results therein.

zoso77

And that's an unequivocal statement. If that's how you feel, then you have to maintain that stance...maintain that boundary. It's a good one to have.

It doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean you don't care about your husband. But what it does mean is in order for you and your boys to be sane...to be well...then you have to do what you're doing now. And whatever happens down the road happens.

ZoSo

allforcnm

It seems to me that you are in tune with your emotions, and that's a good thing. I'm sure it is a painful realization, but acknowledging that alone your ok, at peace, and knowing you don't want to go back to chaos is good. Likewise, I think it's also fine to say What If he changes.... What if recovery works and the chaos is no more. We don't have to have all the answers today. We all are in a constant state of change, learning, growing. What you did was great, you felt uncomfortable and pulled back; later you may feel comfortable and add more time with him and the kids. It's all ever changing I think, and that's ok. Sounds like your continuing to focus on life and moving forward and all of that is good.

I was separated from my husband while he was actively using. At times I missed him, other times not so much. I never gave up on him as was my choice, but I experienced a range of emotions during our separation and I think its normal. It was painful at times, but I also learned a lot about myself. I would much rather feel the emotions than shut them off because I think they help us grow.

sevenofnine

I realized it didn't matter. I was still allowing myself to be put in the position for him to hurt me and turn my world upside down.

^^this!^^

I think that sounds like you are on the right track. Sending you strength to follow through!