hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
hello
Hi everyone. I'm a long time Alanon and ACoA member. My only cousin is just now in jail for meth, so I'm starting to read over here now. I have a different mess of feelings about her and her situation than I do about my alcoholic family members... I would go to Naranon if it was in my area.
It's in part the public shaming and criminality-- she's been in a couple of the local papers, print and online with photos and lurid arrest details, and then that went on facebook. I find myself thinking things like "well at least we don't have the same last name, people will have to look harder in order to connect us" and I'm just cringing about that, and the shame and dread I feel. I'm used to detaching with the family alcoholics but this is another level, I've not had to deal with it in the public media.
I'm in that place of feeling like my life is just too much... can't handle it... wanting to avoid everything that seems hard, and everything seems hard. And my own life is basically fine, except for the tasks I'm putting off!
It's the lives of family members and fear about dealing with the public that are too much for me. And it always will be that way-- if I don't keep my focus on one foot in front of the other.
I keep remembering her from Christmases so so many years ago, as a innocent little girl. It's so sad. One more of my generation down the hole, first mental illness then one kind of addiction or another.
It's in part the public shaming and criminality-- she's been in a couple of the local papers, print and online with photos and lurid arrest details, and then that went on facebook. I find myself thinking things like "well at least we don't have the same last name, people will have to look harder in order to connect us" and I'm just cringing about that, and the shame and dread I feel. I'm used to detaching with the family alcoholics but this is another level, I've not had to deal with it in the public media.
I'm in that place of feeling like my life is just too much... can't handle it... wanting to avoid everything that seems hard, and everything seems hard. And my own life is basically fine, except for the tasks I'm putting off!
It's the lives of family members and fear about dealing with the public that are too much for me. And it always will be that way-- if I don't keep my focus on one foot in front of the other.
I keep remembering her from Christmases so so many years ago, as a innocent little girl. It's so sad. One more of my generation down the hole, first mental illness then one kind of addiction or another.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hello Reedling and welcome to SR Friend and Family
I too have a son who is into drugs. Although drugs are chemicals in the same way alcohol is, our society does look at alcoholism differently not realizing they see it differently because our laws make that particular drug legal. Illegal drug addiction carries different fears on the part of friends and family. You are not alone.
When my now AS was in high school, there was a basketball game playoff that was covered by our local paper. The photographer wanted to get a picture of the intensity of the game and so took a picture of some kids in the stands showing their anxiety about a close score. One of those kids was my now-AS. It was a great picture that I have lots of copies of.
But now fast forward these many years. I have to fight back thoughts of my son's picture being in that same paper again, only this time a picture taken at the time of an arrest for some crime. I really have to concentrate on Steps 2 and 3 when I do that.
Keep coming back. What you are experiencing right now is so common - and there's nothing better than "talking" with people who are walking in your shoes to help you through!!! This and Al-Anon keep me sane.
By the way, even though I have Naranon in this area, I choose to go to Al-Anon because of the ESH that I find there. Most substance users/addicts below the age of 40are into more than alcohol, and I see that reflected in the members of Al-Anon.
I too have a son who is into drugs. Although drugs are chemicals in the same way alcohol is, our society does look at alcoholism differently not realizing they see it differently because our laws make that particular drug legal. Illegal drug addiction carries different fears on the part of friends and family. You are not alone.
When my now AS was in high school, there was a basketball game playoff that was covered by our local paper. The photographer wanted to get a picture of the intensity of the game and so took a picture of some kids in the stands showing their anxiety about a close score. One of those kids was my now-AS. It was a great picture that I have lots of copies of.
But now fast forward these many years. I have to fight back thoughts of my son's picture being in that same paper again, only this time a picture taken at the time of an arrest for some crime. I really have to concentrate on Steps 2 and 3 when I do that.
Keep coming back. What you are experiencing right now is so common - and there's nothing better than "talking" with people who are walking in your shoes to help you through!!! This and Al-Anon keep me sane.
By the way, even though I have Naranon in this area, I choose to go to Al-Anon because of the ESH that I find there. Most substance users/addicts below the age of 40are into more than alcohol, and I see that reflected in the members of Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When I find myself struggling and everything feels like too much (as you described).....that's my signal to dig back into Steps 1, 2 and 3. I revisit those Steps often.
I am very interested in the topic of shame. When a relative is in the paper for a criminal act, WE feel ashamed and we didn't do anything! Many of us grew up in a family that used shaming as a means of control.
It's amazing to me. I have watched people handle things with amazing grace that would have brought me to my knees with shame. I want to be like those people. I want to hold my head up and be calm and confident in the face of any difficulty.
There is no shame in being related to a drug addict. Even if there is criminal activity, there is no need for shame. We didn't do it. And if others want to point and whisper, that says a WHOLE lot more about them than it does about me (or the addict).
gentle hugs
ke
I am very interested in the topic of shame. When a relative is in the paper for a criminal act, WE feel ashamed and we didn't do anything! Many of us grew up in a family that used shaming as a means of control.
It's amazing to me. I have watched people handle things with amazing grace that would have brought me to my knees with shame. I want to be like those people. I want to hold my head up and be calm and confident in the face of any difficulty.
There is no shame in being related to a drug addict. Even if there is criminal activity, there is no need for shame. We didn't do it. And if others want to point and whisper, that says a WHOLE lot more about them than it does about me (or the addict).
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
i am going through the same thing with my third daughter in addiction. i went into the first and second daughters...battling, not worried about shame...but when i realized that my biological family (ACOA and woke up to this during second daughter's addiction) was shunning my issues and then I thought they were blaming me...and I started reaching out...it was a terrible process...but I am finally dealing with the fact that between the alcohol and denial...there is absolutely nothing in my biological family and no one will listen to me...so i have found other people in my life where I can be honest...but still wonder if it was me who screwed up the whole family...my mother blames me...but well...my real issue is my #3 daughter...I have dealt with #1, #2, binge drinking son like binge drinking father...and I am going through just so many feelings...and flashbacks and shame and the need to be with people I can be honest with and supportive with (I'm always supportive) and receive understanding and support back. I hope you feel as good as I do to be on this site.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
have arrived at the point where I am praying my daughter will be arrested and go to jail...so I guess I have come a long way...i don't spend as much time as I did when processing through my mother and sister about when "we" were happy together...and going through the addictions of the #1 and #2 daughters taught me a lot about choosing to be me and to not care what other people thought...and I am realizing with reading this...that I have grown, become more honest...and really care so much less about what other people think...but it is still an issue...and it is like an octopus that hits when I least expect it and am vulnerable.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
