Kindeyes

AnvilheadII did a great job of explaining some of it.

My son is the addict in my life (so was my XAH but I did leave him--not suggesting that that is the only answer--it was simply the answer for me after five years of a very difficult marriage). I don't want to cut my son out of my life so I had to do things to ease the pain of his addiction.

Personally, I found help through personal counseling, Nar-Anon (or Al-Anon), and LOTS of books on the subject of codependence and addiction.

These things helped me learn how to:

• Detach with love
• Not take things personally
• Take care of me
• Not OVER care for someone else--no matter how much I love them
• Allow others to experience the consequences of their own actions

There's no doubt about it.....loving someone who is addicted (whether it is to prescription medications or illicit drugs) can be painful. It can have negative consequences for us too. But we can learn coping tools that allow us to function without constant anguish.

But it takes work......and not everyone is prepared to do it or understands that there is a whole lot we do have control over and a bunch of stuff we don't. Understanding the difference is the line between pain and serenity.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

...and not everyone is prepared to do it.

man, i need to remember that! not everyone is cut out for this stuff!!!

jkooba

I have cried for two days straight at work. I have lived in denial for the past year. But I read the past two responses and it gives me hope. I had decided to stop coming here because I just got more upset everytime I did because I *expected* to see someone saying "you just have to leave him" but you guys went past what I expected and tried to help without pushing me away from him. You will NEVER know how grateful I am.

AnvilheadII

if there is a sense that one is in danger of physical harm OR if there are children involved, it often will be suggested to strongly consider removing oneself, for safety reasons. OR if things have just gotten so out of control, financially, other drug users coming round, dealers owed money, hubby shooting up on the couch, or sharing needles and possible infection, etc etc those are also solid reasons to get out of harms way.

the only thing leaving really solves is just that, getting out of harm's way. it doesn't fix or change the addict, but it CAN give the loved one some much needed space to THINK clearly. however there are alot of other things the loved one CAN do before taking such drastic measures!!!

jkooba

I luckily don't have those problems. Not saying I won't, but right now I am just dealing with a sick husband who is having a hard time doing what is right. But I can't make him do the right thing. I can stop him from running out and buying meds and can just let him feel the weight of his stupidity - fully.

jkooba

Last night my husband gave me all the money he had on him and his debit card because he didnt want to be tempted to buy anything. Tentatively proud of him for this step.

legna

My wife did the same thing 36 days ago; she now has 36 days clean. Good start.

allforcnm

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Lao Tzu

cynical one

Being the money police works about as well as being the pill police. Have you thought of setting up a personal account in your name only where a portion of his earnings are deposited to pay his share of expenses. That way you can assure your bills get paid, and then he will have the rest of his disposable income to learn how to budget and manage like an adult.

jerect

^^^^^^^^

When I was married to my ex, after three years of us having a joint account, I separated out finances completely and he had absolutely no access to my bank account whatsoever.. He just paid me his share of the bills ( never on time and never the full amount he owed me but that's a different story in itself) i slept a lot better at night knowing that he couldn't wipe me out...

jkooba

We actually discussed that last night about the separate accounts but he has no access to money t the moment so we are going to see how that goes.

allforcnm

This post is short but it says a lot. You were able to talk about the money issue together (open communication and looking for solutions that work for both of you) and you know there are options left to pursue if need be to keep finances safe. Whenever Im proactive and have options thought out in my personal life, or business; then I always feel more secure, and optimistic for the future.

sevenofnine

"Letting him be in charge of his medicine makes the situation worse."

no. no no no. nope. nothing you do makes him use or be sober. that is his choice.
you don't have power over this, and holding yourself accountable for it will make you nuts.

my siggestion is to force yourself to do something you enjoy each day. A bath, a movie, a walk, whatever. It will be super hard at first, but if you learn to allow yourself a little happiness and calm, you will be learning how to cope with this storm, regardless of his outcome.

you don't control him, but you can exert some control over your own emotions.

Faithlove

I know others have said this, but you are not alone. I find so many similarities between our stories. I just wanted to talk about a few of them. Of course the main difference between us is that I have children. I was absolutely encouraged to leave by the people here at SR; for that I am grateful.

I remember crying and crying at work. It's awful. Entire days that should have been productive for me were just lost. Days....who am I kidding? Collectively, it was closer to weeks! I FINALLY set a boundary for myself. I would not "give" my AH any more of my work days. He is not welcome at my office. I rarely take phone calls from him and if his texts bother me, I stop reading them. But, mainly I had to learn to take my focus off of my AH and put it on my work. It's very hard to do sometimes. It takes lots of practice. My best days begin when I spend time with my Higher Power, God. I do this by praising Him through song (in my car while I'm driving my kids to school) and by praying and reading the Bible.

Set a boundary and seek your Higher Power for comfort. Your HP wants to comfort you.

The money police. I did that too. It did not ease my mind and here's why: Addicts are very, very resourceful! Whether or not you "police" your AH's money or pills, your AH can still obtain drugs. This may drive you crazy. It did me. Although his parents gave me his paycheck (yes, we're all Codie's!!!!!), I knew without a doubt in my mind that my AH was still, somehow buying drugs. And he was. He borrowed from friends. He borrowed from his dealer. He stole from me, his parents, organizations, anyone and everyone. BUT, these were HIS CHOICES. Not mine. I felt ashamed for the longest time being married to a thief. It was not my shame to carry. IT IS HIS until he makes amends and seeks forgiveness.

Set a financial boundary to protect yourself. I had my own account that he did not have access to. Think about letting him have control over his money. If he decides that he wants to give it all to you, let it be his choice. But remember, this will not guarantee that he won't be able to purchase drugs.

This an excruciating road to travel. The only way you'll make it is to do what is counter-intuative. Take care of you and let him take care of him. This is the best way, IMHO, to show your husband love.

Hugs and prayers to you.