eveewonder

My gf stole jewelry and pawned it. I threw her out, pressed charges and tracked her down, called the police and watched as she was cuffed. It was difficult but it was really sentimental jewelry she stole. I am so torn and heartbroken over all of it. I didn't even realize she had a drug habit. Looking back there were so many lies. She has been in jail for several weeks now. No one is bailing her out and I found out she has other old warrants and charges so who knows how long she'll be there. This is no kid...40 years old. I still care about her as a human. I hate the disease and everything that happened but love the good parts of the person. I feel compelled to write or visit. It all ended so abruptly and horribly. I pray every night she gets some help and wants help finally. She has some mental health issues too. I wonder how she is and if she has remorse now that she is detoxed. I wonder if she feels bad or what the hell she thinks. This has all been such a crazy whirlwind. Any thoughts? Should I in anyway be a supportive friend or totally leave her. i don't think she has any support system left in her life except other addicts who are using. She stole and screwed over all her employers and decent friends. I've learned a lot I didn't know about since all of this happened. Thanks.

committed2013

This is a tough one. I become sober and WANT TO GO...I thought stopping would cure everything...all it did was bring everything to the surface I WAS SELF MEDICATING TO ESCAPE FROM...My husband never left me, but he wasn't really "present" either, if that makes sense. Never took the time to learn about addiction, how it happens, what the consequences are for the addict and the loved one. Not one al-anon meeting, but like he couldn't make me stop, I can't make him do what he wants. I've been arrested for DUI and a domestic issue, yes, all under the influence. Fortunately, if she has good qualities while she's in active use, she's probably an amazing person sober. However, that's the Unfortunate part, I was active in use for 9 years, it did lots of damage to him and to my 3 sons. If she has no support and your it, the right thing to do is TRY...if you care. If you don't, that's your choice. I can't tell you how lonely it is to be in that seat. It's horrible, self worth is very low, confidence is at an all time low, amongst many other things. Maybe jail will scare her. It's gotta be the right place and at right time. It's her deal and her decision only. But support would help. You can't police her, it causes resentment, you'll know when it's time to cut the strings if you have to. Good Luck, and I hope she does well. Let her know you joined this and you are making efforts to help out.

eveewonder

Thank you. I did send a letter. I did try to say I cared for her and saw lots of good qualities. I told her I am praying for her and to please get all the help she can. I let her know I hated all the bad behaviors but didn't hate her. I told her she is strong and intelligent and can get well if she chooses. I read in the newspaper when she went for her first appearance before the judge he told her not to have contact with the victim (me) if she makes bail. This was a theft and fencing case not domestic violence. The only way I knew about the order was to read it in the paper. Does this mean I can't go visit or she can't write or anything? I have no idea now that she is sober what she thinks or feels. I've come to learn she has a long history with pills and heroin. All the lying and manipulating that go along with addiction, wow. thanks for thoughts and advice.

committed2013

I'm pretty sure if you just call the court or ask an attorney they'll let you know. You were told nothing, so i'm sure she would like the visit. You may get a "peek under the tent" into her reality right now and what she feels. Unfortunately, lying is a big part of it. It starts with just lying because you want to cover up the usage to your loved ones, then the lying, whether small white lies or not, just kind of naturally transfers over. My choice was alcohol, never pills, or illegal drugs, although when you go for treatment, sometimes they like to medicate you with pills, and ironically, I did not like that. I like to choose what I put into my body, I just chose the poison of alcohol. The praying is very good, once I came to accept and surrender and beg God to help me and I couldn't do this on my own, it lifted a big burden off my shoulders. I started taking my two youngest to church and that seriously helped, not a bad thing the pastor and his wife have been sober over 20 years. I too know what you are going thru. My mother has a boyfriend who Is addicted to crack. Well he is in drug court for 1year now, so I trusted him in my home. I came back from vacation while they stayed here, I can't prove a damn thing, but I had 5 pieces of sentimental jewelry stolen from jewelry box totaling almost 2,000. I have no insurance as I rent and could just file a report. Even though your relationship is different with your significant other, it still stings just the same. It's hurtful. I could have never imagined stealing in my using days for alcohol. I have an uncle in prison for 65 years because he turned to crack/cocaine after being a heavy alcohol user for years, he will never see the light of day. And I was quite close to him. I go see him every few years, as he is far away. Addiction is no joke, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, your heart will guide you, you started in the right place, here. It's more than many would do, many turn and look the other way or harbor anger and resentment, that is the hardest for an addict to feel. Go see her. It can't hurt. Not at all.

eveewonder

Thanks committed. She has been in a few weeks now. I'm not sure if she is at a point where she is angry and hasn't accepted she is there because of all the things she has done not that I put her there. I have no idea what is going on with her. I definitely don't want to be a schmuck or enabler but I did get her charged and arrested and I'm not bailing her out so I guess letting her feel the consequences of her actions is good. It is extremely difficult and painful but I am praying it saves her life before it is too late.

FeelingGreat

Hi Evee, I suggest you examine your heart closely, because if her addiction goes back many years, and she has stolen from others, chances are she's not going to stop now.
You seem to be a good sincere person, and you are putting yourself into her shoes, imagining she feels sorry and is determined to start again. But that's not likely to be her attitude. She has old warrants and charges, so this isn't the first time she's been in trouble and it didn't stop her stealing from you.
If she really wants to recover, good, but it's not dependent on your support. Actions are what count with her now.
I know it would make you feel better to reach out to her, but do it with your eyes wide open. Ask yourself if you knew for sure she wasn't going to recover, would your actions still be the same, or would you quit while you can?

Mountainmanbob

zoso77

What you did took a lot of courage, whether you realize it or not, and you're to be commended for that.

As far as "supporting" her goes, you have helped her in a roundabout way: she has to face the consequences for her actions and decisions, and by turning her in, that's exactly what will happen. Does she feel bad? I doubt it. I'd be willing to bet if you visited her in jail, she would do her best to turn it around and make you the bad guy for turning her in.

See...addiction's a funny thing. An addict in active addiction or abstaining but not in recovery will jump through major cognitive hoops to justify their behavior. It doesn't matter how outrageous the behavior is, or who it hurts, the addict will not accept responsibility until they make the decision to not only get clean but get honest with themselves.

Protect yourself.

ZoSo

eveewonder

Ok. It is sounding like I should completely leave her alone in there and her life is up to her. I remember some loving intimate times but need to put that aside. We never really fought or argued. Pehaps she has to find her own way although odds are she won't. Her own family bailed years ago. Very sad.

zoso77

Exactly.

And you're right, this is very sad. It's sad to see someone we care about make poor decisions and self destruct...

Maylie

We cannot force someone to become sober and we cannot make them see that their lifestyle is unmanageable and that there is such a better life out there if only they get sober. All we can do is step out of the way and refuse to get in the way of their consequences for their actions. No one ever got sober from having someone clean up all their messes. The addict needs to deal with the consequences of their actions in order to realize that this life style is not working.

When someone steals from us we call the police. It shouldn't make a difference that she is an addict. She knew what she was doing and she made the conscious decision that stealing from you was worth it because getting high was more important. If you didn't call the police it would have shown her that she can steal from you and there will be no consequences. Not calling the cops would basically be putting a sign on your head saying "if you steal it will be fine".

It is best that no one is bailing her out because once again it is showing her that her consequences have actions. She is now detoxed (as long as she didn't seek drugs out in prison) and will hopefully have time to look back at what she has done and what her life as come to. She might not be taking this time to do that, and that is her choice. She might be mad at you, but oh well.

As for reaching out to her, that is your choice. Don't do it just because you think she doesn't have anyone else because quite frankly, there is always someone else. If she truly wanted to get sober and wanted a support system there are free rehabs, free detoxes, NA meetings filled with sober people willing to give support, she could join different groups that get together and read books, go hiking, knit, basically there is a group for anything..she could become active in a church, she could volunteer and meet wonderful people that way, she could call a hotline and get support over the phone, ...get what I'm pointing out? There is ALWAYS help and support out there, whether the addict utilizes that support and help is up to them.

It is up to you whether you continue to be her friend but I would caution you to look at your motives first. If you want to be her friend because you feel bad for her, because you think you can some how fix her, or you want to show her how to fix her life then please reconsider.

eveewonder

Thanks for the reminders that she can get help on her own and make choices on her own. There is no question I had her arrested and did press charges. It is a felony in my state and apparently there are other outstanding issues. I did love the person and we did have some good times. Stealing and lying just really suck bad. Maybe I should just totally forget her and see if she ever reaches out to say something for herself. I read some stories about people who had a family or loved one who set boundaries and limits but continued to be there and they indicated it helped. Maybe her ways don't even warrant this.

atalose

How long were you with her?

There is nothing YOU can do for her. She is where she is at today because of HER choices.

Now is not the time to be thinking about setting any kind of boundary with her - except to walk away!!!!

eveewonder

We knew each other for several years and were together for about a year in a relationship and we lived together in my house. We had many mutual friends in town who were duped by her and lent money they will never see again.

zoso77

This happens every day, unfortunately.

atalose

You couldn’t have known her very well in those several years other wise you would have known about her issues and duping friends out of money.

Did any of these mutual friends try and tell you about her and her history?

I know for me my codependency wouldn’t allow me to see the caution flags let alone the red ones. NO, I had to see everything up close and personal!! lol figuring it all out after the fact but by then I was too emotionally sucked in and didn’t have the knowledge or skills to get myself out. I usually was forced out – much like you with her going to jail.

eveewonder

None of the friends ever told me until after the fact and none of them were talking to each other about what she was doing. She is very personable and everyone liked her. Very very good at lies and manipulation. Almost so good that she might believe her lies. There were signs but not for awhile. Somewhere toward the end I think the use got real bad be because things went real bad. Oh well I'm sure jail stinks and at 40 years old maybe she is ready for a change. A very intelligent person for sure.

AnvilheadII

thing is, i doubt that is her first time being in jail. to me it's not THAT she stole from you as much as WHAT she stole. hawking the DVD player versus taking jewelry that is of sentimental value to you. one is an object, a thing, the other is a part of you, a keepsake to the past. this was not done in a vacuum, she has a history and pattern of doing this to everyone, regardless of their show of friendship and affection - hell i bet she stole from her own family members. she took advantage of the kindness of others....that's more than "just" an addict doing what they gotta do to fund the next fix....that's a moral disconnect, not seeing others as warm blooded persons but as means to an end.

i'd dare to suggest that if you try to keep contact, and telling how great she is, yada yada, you can do this, rah rah, you will simply re-up to be a pawn in her game, your actions will tell her what she did was ok.

peacedove

eveewonder
i'm glad you are here but not about the circumstances getting you here. you did the right thing. what happened would happen again and again not only to you but others. so much comes to light after the fact like hearing friends loaned or lost money, etc...which will help you be stronger in knowing you did the right thing.
somehow, i hope you are able to see what you have avoided. although you loved, cared and had about a year with this person...she wasn't what you thought. i've been there. it stinks. but it's a chance to find a way to be thankful for what is real and also be thankful for no longer being in the dark.
it's common for everyone to like them. i mean, i liked mine in the beginning for the same reasons other people do. if he had been some dreadful type i wouldn't have been there that's for sure. but he was a dreadful type. if that makes any sense. mine is not in jail but i would imagine if things continue in his life as they were when we ended he will eventually be there. not sure but probably so. maybe then he will wake up and realize some things. never know.
you mentioned wanting to visit her possibly but i wonder if it would help or hurt you if you did.
i feel like if she wants to write you she will or she will manage to contact you some way. gosh, it's hard to let go but i hope you can. her past and her present are caving in on her due to her own choices.
i'm sure you've seen it here: "let go or be dragged." it's true.

eveewonder

Thanks Anvil. I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Complete coldblooded no conscience no morals non human sociopath when it comes right down to it. No hope for rehabilitation. Well her picture was in the paper on the police FB page with the story so now everyone knows what she is about. Now I'm feeling angry. Scamming thief demon grrrr.